12. Harden
A urora takes in the disarray on the ground, her eyes tracking each of her favorite foods, as she starts to fit all the puzzle pieces together.
A puzzle we’ve all tried to break up and dispose of over the last year, and for what?
For this? For both of my best friends to be brawling and bleeding?
For the girl we all want, to have tears shining in her eyes? It’s fucking bullshit.
Griffin is the first to break, he steps forward, a piece of the porcelain cracking beneath his shoe, as he pleads her name, “Ro?”
It’s not much, but it’s enough to snap her out of the trance she was in, because she stumbles back a little, her eyes darting in the direction that Everest just left. “I’m sorry, I have to go,” she mumbles, retreating back into the house, just as Claire and David arrive to find out what’s happened.
Griffin sighs, kicking the disregarded muffin across the patio.
“So much for fucking brunch,” he curses, swiping at the blood on his jaw, before he meets his parents’ disappointed glare through the glass.
“I’m out of here,” he adds, looking between me and my mom before fleeing in the opposite direction to Everest.
I want to do the same, I need to do the same, but my feet won’t just listen to my brain and move. I will for my fight or flight instinct to kick in, just like I have so many times before, but it’s no use. I’m frozen.
My mom smiles, her perfectly practiced smile that leads everyone to believe she is a sweet and grieving widow who never moved on from my dad, but I know the truth.
I can’t be here, not with her.
My heart is racing, my breaths coming in quick, short pants that I try to disguise, but she eyes me keenly, seeing straight through me.
I envision my shaking hands closing around her throat, stealing her life the way she stole mine, but still I do nothing.
My legs are trembling, my entire body slightly shuddering as I fight to keep my composure, but one step is all it takes.
She takes one single step and I break, fleeing down the stairs behind me, once again nothing but a frightened child. I don’t know where I’m going, I just know I need to get out of here, get away from her, but the clack of her expensive heels tells me she has followed.
“Harden, my sweet boy, wait, please,” she begs, and I stumble a little at the sound of that nickname, her fingers reaching out and caressing the back of my arm, and I turn around so quickly that she almost falls over.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” I roar, and her eyes widen in disbelief at the sound of my voice booming between us.
My throat feels raw and dry, and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears, but I don’t let her near me, not again. I walk slowly away, not giving her my back, but keeping her completely in my line of sight as I try to escape her.
“But you never come and see me anymore,” she whines, fluttering her perfectly extended eyelashes, and bile rushes up the back of my throat.
“You know exactly why that is, Gemma,” I tell her, my voice sounding strange to my own ears, but it’s the only way I can communicate with her.
She never did learn to sign, but that’s not surprising, considering she never cared that she was the reason why I had to.
My mother is already shaking her head. “No, my sweet boy, you’re confused,” she starts, repeating a lie I’ve heard a hundred times before, from the moment I started asking questions.
“I may have been confused as a child, but I see everything fucking clearly now,” I tell her firmly, trying to keep my voice flat and even.
I don’t want her to know the effect she has on me, even as my heart thunders in my chest. “I know what you are,” I breathe, inhaling deeply, wishing I could say the word, wishing I could scream it in front of all of her fucking friends, just so somebody could know the truth.
“I’m just a mother who loves her son, we have a special bond,” she replies softly, and those last two words send my head spiraling into memories of every single one of those dark nights, and I can’t take it anymore.
“Stay away from me,” I snap, before I turn on my heel and run as fast as I can.
I don’t stop, not until I reach my car, not even bothering to check where Griffin or Everest went, no, I just need to get out of here.
I jump in and start the engine, my entire body still shaking, as I practice some deep breaths.
I read online that it can help with panic attacks, which I’m pretty sure is what I suffer from, but it’s not like I have been to a therapist to check.
Not since Gemma realized she was the root of all my problems and pulled me out of their offices.
The deep breaths do nothing, I can barely swallow them down, and my heart is pounding so hard that I wouldn’t be surprised if it beat right out of my chest. I make it two blocks before I have to pull over, barely getting my door open before I start throwing up all over the sidewalk.
Only once there is nothing but bile left do I start to calm down, stepping from my car and ripping off my suit jacket. I toss it in a nearby trashcan, needing anything she has touched to be gone, but it doesn’t help, because I’m still here.
There is only one place I can go right now to feel a sense of freedom, so I climb back into my car and make the two hour drive from the city to The Underground, bypassing Fairfield completely on my way.
There are no races tonight, so when I pull into the lot it’s completely empty, but my eyes narrow as I look over to the platform and see a lone, dark figure.
It isn’t until I am half way over there that I recognize that it’s Caden Miles.
He watches me approach with a blank, assessing stare, and when I get a few feet away, I notice his blood-soaked shirt.
Neither of us say anything, he just watches me watch him, before offering me the bottle in his hand.
Accepting it gratefully, I take a seat by his side and take a deep pull, letting the vodka burn away the words I spoke today.
I’m not sure how long we sit there before Caden speaks, but it’s long enough for us to finish half the bottle between us.
“Aren’t you going to ask?” he questions, finally cocking his head toward me as he ignites a cigarette, and my eyes scan his bruised and swollen hands.
They’re covered in even more blood than his shirt, if that’s even possible.
Do you want me to ask? I sign, before snatching the cigarette from his fingers and inhaling deeply, staring at him for his answer.
Caden only laughs at my response, accepting the cigarette back.
Him being able to understand me is one of the many reasons I enjoy coming here.
His aunt Carol, Wilder’s mom, is deaf. She only communicates in sign language, which means all of them grew up learning it.
It’s why the first time one of them invited me I said yes, because I knew it wouldn’t dim my experience, that I wouldn’t fade into the background of conversations.
Most of my life I’ve had people try, but when they realize how hard it is, they give up, and I don’t blame them, but it makes for a very limited existence.
Outside of Aurora and the guys, my world is pretty fucking gray, but being here, being understood and seen and fucking valued as a member of society, is the kind of freedom you can’t buy.
They probably don’t even realize how grateful I am to be able to communicate with them, but that’s okay, being not only seen, but heard too, is more than enough.
“This is why I like you, Haze, you mind your fucking business,” he breathes, blowing out some smoke, his hand curved around the cig and showcasing the damage.
“Someone messed with Casper’s car,” he grunts, his jaw grinding, as he forces out the words, taking another deep drag of the smoke to try and calm himself.
Is Cas okay? I quickly sign, and Caden nods.
“Yeah, I got word of the rumor and took care of it myself, he doesn’t even know it happened,” he exhales, and it’s only now that I see the true weight of everything that Caden holds to keep them on top.
Caden and Casper may be identical, but they couldn’t be more different. Casper is the golden boy, the racer, the future champion, and Caden is the reason he gets to be all of that.
Is the person responsible still alive? I dare to ask, and Caden smirks at that.
“For now.” The two words are said with deadly calm, and I can’t help but wish I had the strength he exhibits.
Well, everyone knows not to mess with Cas, guy must have had a death wish. He smiles when I sign that, as if recalling exactly how he made the person responsible pay.
“He will by the time I’m finished with him.
Casper is my brother, my blood, and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my family,” he spits, stubbing out his smoke and grabbing the bottle of vodka again.
“I’m sure you get it,” he adds mindlessly, and I can’t help the scoff that leaves me, causing him to turn a surprised eye in my direction.
I get it for the guys, sure, Ever and Griff are my family, but blood means nothing to me . I sign and he nods, as if recalling our last conversation, where I called my mom an abusive piece of shit, and I see the wheels turning in his mind.
“Physically?” he asks, and I don’t know why, but I shake my head no, watching as his eyes darken in understanding, as he learns my sickening truth.
Any other day I’d have probably ignored him, taken her sins to the grave, but today is not that day.
We’ve all got secrets, right? I sign, when he doesn’t say anything else, and he nods, handing me the bottle so I can finish the rest of it.
It burns still, but not as much as the bile that came up earlier, so I take that as a win.
My friends are fighting over our girl, while I’m just fighting to stay alive. How fucked up is that?
Caden watches me closely, before jumping off the ridge we are sitting on and nodding his head. “Come on, Haze, let’s go,” he commands, storming off in the opposite direction of my car, and I have no choice but to follow.
When I catch up to him, I sign. Where are we going?
His smile is completely devilish, as he signs back. To wash away our sins .