Chapter 26 #3
With great effort, Barbara turned into something human enough to pick up the cards. ‘Agreed. I must know my enemy in order to swear eternal vengeance on you.’
As they moved to the final round and dealt the last cards, Delilah said, ‘I’m a completely human accountant from London.’
Inky blackness exploded from Barbara’s ears and eyes. ‘That cannot be! I am the Harbinger of Chaos! I would not lose to a mere accountant!’
‘It’s the truth.’ Delilah held Barbara’s gaze, and this time the demonic being looked away first.
Turning over her cards, Delilah said, ‘Whoops, I have nothing . . . Just kidding, it’s another royal straight flush.’
Barbara dissipated into nothingness with one last, long, furious howl. The lightbulb broke. As she swirled down into Hell she cried, ‘Ugh, I wasn’t even going to do anything particularly horrible to your boy-toy!’
Delilah sighed. ‘We just got that light repaired.’
Howard appeared where Barbara had been sitting. His eyes were moist. ‘I saw everything from inside the space where Barbara shoved me. Thank you, Delilah. That was amazingly brave.’
Delilah winked. ‘I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.’
She’d been saving that joke and felt vindicated when he laughed hard enough to clutch his sides.
Damien, Heather, John and Jaime cheered from the lift. Delilah jumped in fright.
Damien said, ‘We didn’t want to distract you by telling you that we were watching. That was amazing! Now I understand why you got banned from every casino in London and Purgatory.’
They rushed forward, slapping her on the back and murmuring congratulations. Heather and John conspired to briefly toss her in the air with a ‘Hip, hip, hooray!’
Meanwhile, Lucy stalked over to Howard with a glare. ‘I’m angry that you mistook Barbara of all demonic beings for me.’
‘I have no excuse.’ He hung his head. ‘I thought something was off, yet I still fell for it. I got careless because I didn’t want you to be angry with me.’
‘I’m glad you’re all right. I won’t pry any further. I’ve learned my lesson. As long as you’re safe . . . nothing else matters. Because I value your . . . friendship.’ Very awkwardly, she offered him a handshake. Very awkwardly, he accepted.
Delilah stepped forward. ‘Lucy, you can have the barony of Hell back. It must be very important to you.’
‘Hmm? Oh, don’t worry about it. You deserve to keep what you won. This belongs to you from now on.’ Lucy handed Delilah a golden circlet. ‘I have several lands and titles – that was my most minor one. You need at least that much status as my daughter.’
‘You were serious about the daughter thing?’ Delilah gasped. She shoved the circlet into her bag. It looked as if it was made of gold, but the metal felt stronger.
‘Dead serious. That was not a pun, Howard.’ A golden contract materialised in the air before Lucy, written in an unearthly language. The characters seemed to wiggle on the parchment. ‘Sign here, and I will officially adopt you.’
Delilah grabbed the floating pen. ‘This is the happiest day of my afterlife.’
‘It wasn’t passing your test?’ Damien asked.
‘No, that was marred by my biological mother being right about something. This is far better.’ Delilah signed. ‘I have a new mother from now on! One who actually likes me!’
Lucy swept Delilah up into a hug. ‘I more than like you – I love you. I am inexperienced at parenthood and likely would be ill-suited for a young child, but I will smite your enemies and tell you that you’ve done well.’
‘I always wanted a parent to praise me and give me a hug.’ Delilah sniffled, trying her best not to cry.
Howard cleared his throat. ‘Delilah, I owe you even more. I don’t have anything to offer. All my earthly possessions vanished when I died, and most of my skills became useless. Nevertheless, if you have any use for a dad who is full of bad puns, then I would adopt you as my own too.’
Delilah hugged him before he’d finished speaking. ‘I never had any dad before at all. This is truly the happiest day of my life and afterlife. You know what would make today even more perfect? If gambling got removed as a sin from Floor Greed.’
Lucy nodded. ‘You are completely right. I now appreciate that gambling can be an art.’
Delilah bounced. ‘Thank you, Mum!’ It felt amazing to say ‘Mum’ to someone who didn’t hate her.
Heather cleared her throat. ‘I’m happy for the new family, I truly am, but I might have just felt the hotel shake again. Which floor are we going to next?’
‘The rocking might have just been Barbara’s departure,’ Lucy said, ‘but I do take your point. We have two tests left, Limbo and Violence.’
Delilah shuddered. ‘I hate Floor Limbo. I was trapped there for weeks and watched someone get eaten.’
‘My daughter has spoken,’ Lucy declared grandly. ‘We will head to Floor Violence.’ She offered an arm to Howard, and they floated into the lift shaft together.
John backed away. ‘I’m on strike again. I refuse to set foot on that floor.’
Delilah scowled. ‘This again? Are you backstabbing us?’
‘No, he wouldn’t do that.’ Heather turned to John. ‘What’s wrong?’
He gulped, his face pale and sweaty. ‘My sin is Violence.’