Polk 22.
I’ve about had it with medical personnel. “Professional” my ass. Bunch of distracted, condescending pricks. I may have insinuated to my brothers in Church the other day that we let McKinley find inventive ways to punish them. He was all for it, but Madison shut us down, claiming four injured/maimed/super dead eye doctors within a 30 miles radius would draw suspicion. And Quinn’s link to us would turn that suspicion our way.
Why he gotta be all logical and shit? My woman is distressed and trying like hell to hide it. Joe and I had it out two days ago, after I blamed him for her insisting that she carry the weight of her disease and new-onset blindness alone. It took the wind right out of my sails when he accepted responsibility, though he heaped a good bit on her parents, rightly so. Surprisingly, Joe and I have struck up a friendship. He’s a cool guy, he loves his kids, and he loves Quinn, but he is man enough to recognize that he has enough of his own demons to contend with that being a full-time dad or husband isn’t in the cards right now. Also, he thinks Quinn is as beautiful as ever, but he isn’t attracted to her sexually anymore. To be fair, he claims he isn’t attracted to anyone sexually because of his medications.
That sucks.
And I can relate a little. Since her first eye appointment she’s been withdrawing slowly. We haven’t made love or been intimate more than a quick kiss goodnight since. It’s frustrating. Not because I’m horny, but because I miss her. Intimately, emotionally and physically. I refuse to sleep anywhere else but beside her. She can have all the time and space she needs with me right next to her every night. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I love her, and she isn’t going to face any of this alone. With each subsequent appointment ending in disappointment, she curls in on herself and it tears me apart to witness. She’s a strong woman. She’s Quinn Fucking Palomeni.
Not even Audrey can get through to her. She roams aimlessly around the house, unable to work because of her loss of sight. She can’t drive the boys to school, pick them up, or take them to practice. She’s lost more than the ability to see, she’s losing more and more of herself as the days go by. She’s not eating, either, and she’s lost weight. The boys are worried but have been busy taking care of things around the house. And Joe has popped in and out with meals and picking up or dropping off the boys when he can.
I feel impotent, unable to help her and it is not a feeling I’m digesting well.
I don’t want to put all our eggs in one basket, but I’m hoping that today’s appointment yields something helpful. Her neurologist prescribed an anti-anxiety medication. I had to laugh when he told her about it. She stated she wasn’t anxious, claiming she was calm, cool, and collected. He and I shared a look before he asked her to humor him. She won’t admit it, but I think it’s helped. He also set up an appointment with a colleague, a neuro-ophthalmologist.
And that’s where we are heading right now. I guide Quinn to my cage, helping her in the front passenger seat. I hold her hand on the drive as I navigate the 35-minute trip. She’s quiet, and it’s unnerving.
“I can’t believe Wilson is getting married next week. It’s crazy to think someone volunteered to spend a lifetime with him,” I joke, getting a hum in response. “Do you have any dress fittings this week?”
She clears her throat, her head turned to the door window. “Um…no. I had…I told Audrey to send my apologies, but I won’t be in the wedding or in attendance. I think it’s best—”
“Fucking coward,” I spit out. She can’t see me, but her head whips around in my direction with her lips curled back in a sneer.
“Excuse me?”
“I called you a coward.”
“A fucking coward,” she repeats, her voice laced with venom. I guess we’re doing this right now. I’ve bitten my tongue, I’ve let her figure shit out on her own, but this is the last straw.
“You’re blind. Not dead.”
“FUCK YOU!” she screams. I check the time and realize we have a little extra, so I pull over into the parking lot of a strip of businesses.
“Great. Keep it coming.”
“What?”
“That’s the first emotion I’ve seen or heard from you in almost two weeks.”
“Pardon me, I’ve got a bit going on right now.”
“We all do, princess, that’s life.”
“I can’t fucking see! I woke up one morning blind! My body is attacking itself and there’s nothing I can do about it!”
“You are just going to roll over and accept it? That’s not the woman I know, definitely not the woman I’ve fallen in love with. Life sucks right now, but we’re all here, rallying around you, wanting to figure shit out with you, but you have just given up! You can’t see…so that means you’ll never go to another school function for the boys? No competitions? The wedding of good friends? What’ll you do when Audrey is pregnant? You’re just going to abandon your best friend because of a disability? A disability, I might add, that millions of others deal with on a daily basis.”
She crosses her arms, leaning as far away from me as she can, tears falling down her flushed cheeks. “ Sorry, I’m such a burden to you. If it’s so frustrating dealing with me, then just leave. No one is forcing you to stay.”
My jaw drops open at her response. Is she for real?
“Are you fucking serious right now?” There’s something in my tone that has her sitting up straight and dropping her arms to her lap. She appears contrite, but my girl ain’t backing down.
“Yeah, I am. I don’t need you. You want to leave? Go. Find someone else. Someone easier. Someone who isn’t…isn’t… broken .” For fuck’s sake. I unbuckle my seatbelt, jump out of the cage, and round to her side. Pulling open her door, I lean in, unbuckle her, and drag her out and into my arms. She wraps her arms around me so tight, I can’t breathe, and I don’t fucking care. My stomach knots itself, listening to her guttural sobs, feeling her body tremble in my arms.
“You aren’t broken.” I murmur near her ear. I press a kiss to the shell, clutching her closer. “You are so fucking strong, baby.”
“I’m not! I’m weak and stupid and a coward.”
I take my life into my own hands as I tell her, “Not weak. Not stupid. But, yes, you’ve been a coward.”
She snorts, her face buried against my chest, “Please, don’t sugarcoat anything.”
“I never will. You and I are honest, open, raw.”
“I’m not.” Quinn shakes her head back and forth. “I don’t know how to let you in. Every time I do…people leave. They…leave me. And with the MS and now the loss of my sight, there’s more reason than ever for you to leave. And I won’t…God, I hate this. If I let you in, I won’t survive if you leave. I don’t want to be strong and competent and in charge all the time. But I’ve always had to be. My parents, my husband, my kids, work, friends…I woke up in darkness and I’ve slinked deeper into it every day. But the bitch of it is, you’re already in. Embedded deep and there’s no hope I could ever carve you out. And that is fucking terrifying!”
That’s a lot. I don’t know where I should start. And the side of the road is probably not the best place to hash this out. “Who do you trust the most? Can’t be me or Joe.”
She leans back to look at me, though she can’t see anything. “Adams,” she answers confidently.
“He’d be pleased to know that, so I won’t tell him.” She chuckles at my gruff response. “Has Adams warned you to be careful around me? Spoken a single word against me?”
“ No, ” she whispers. “He told me I got a good one. If he had to handpick a brother in the club for me, he would be hard pressed to find anyone better suited for me.”
I grin so big; it’s a good thing she can’t see or she’d smack me. “Is there anything in our history that would lead you to believe I’m not in this 1000%?” She shakes her head, tears welling in her eyes again. “I’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear it, darlin’, but you’re it for me. You, the boys, and the club. That’s all I need to survive in this world. Fuck that, all I need to thrive .”
“You forgot your parents.” I roll my head back and laugh.
“I did. Don’t tell them, or mom won’t make me the Christmas cookies I love.” I inhale the scent of her shampoo. “I ain’t leaving, Quinn. You’re stuck with me. Facial paralysis, blindness, an oral fixation that requires daily blowjobs to sate…so long as I’ve got you, I’m golden.”
She inhales deeply, her shoulders rising with the effort. “I’m sorry. For my behavior, my cowardice…I’m sorry for causing you to repeat yourself. I know deep in my soul that you and I are it. But my brain…love is illogical.”
“It is.”
“I feel like I keep going through the stages of grief. Daily.”
“Some days you will. Some you’ll have a handle on everything and feel invincible. And yet others, you’ll be working to free a child from a toilet.”
“I’ve always taken each day as it comes…but this whole thing has thrown me.”
“Understandable.”
Shaking her hands at her side, she steps back and cracks her neck. “I’ve got this. We’ve got this. One day at a time. Side by side.”
“Always.” I lead her into the vehicle again and buckle her in. I purposely graze her tit when I’m done, then shove my tongue in her mouth when she gasps. She moans and I swallow down the sounds greedily. “God, I’ve missed you.”
“Never again.” She vows, her hands coming up to grip my shirt, pulling me closer.
“Alright, pretty girl, we have to go, or we’ll be late.”
She sighs in disappointment, pouting when I pull back. I run around to the driver’s side. I’m pleasantly surprised when she reaches across the console and grabs my hand to hold.
We talk about Sal’s competition and the girl in the group he can’t stop staring at instead of practicing. After I park in the garage for the medical complex, I shift in my seat to face her and bring her hand to my lips to kiss her knuckles.
“I know this all sucks, and I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re experiencing. And I know that vulnerability makes you feel icky.” She laughs, nodding her head. “But I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to know that you can be weak with me. That the strong veneer you present to the world comes off when it’s just the two of us.” I reach out and caress her midsection, tickling her when she squirms. “You give me your soft underbelly, and I need you to know I’ll protect it with my life.”
Her hands reach out and I oblige moving closer until her fingers find my jaw. She slides her hands along my face until she’s cupping my cheeks. “I trust you.”
I exhale shakily, closing the distance between us to rest my forehead against hers. “ Thank you .” My voice breaks but I don’t care. Her trust means so much. It’s an honor.
“I’m, I’m,” she stutters, licks her lips and tries again. “I’m scared, Bently.”
“I know.” I don’t offer any useless platitudes. She knows that no matter what, we’ll figure it out together, but the fear is overwhelming common sense right now. I’m sure I’ll catch some heat later for calling her a coward, but I needed her to snap out of her funk. She doesn’t realize it, but she’s scared the boys. Fuck, she scared Joe and me.
We walk into the office building, hand in hand. I smile politely at a few people we pass and press the button in the elevator for our floor. It’s awkward like most elevator rides are, with 5 strangers packed into an enclosed space with shitty music playing.
“Babe,” Quinn sidles up to me, releasing my hand to wrap her arm around my waist, “did you finish calling the girls on the list? They should know that the syphilis you gave us can cause blindness.”
I bite the inside of my cheek as my face flushes and my body grows uncomfortably hot. The older woman next to me puts distance between us as she gasps. The man behind me snorts and can’t hide his laughter at my expense. And the young woman in front of us spins around so fast I’m surprised she doesn’t fall over.
“What the fuck?” the woman snaps. “Girl, why are you hanging on him? He’s diseased and a fucking pig!”
Quinn looks up at me with a sappy smile, “Dunno. I guess I’m just a coward .”
So, I’ll pay for that far sooner than I thought.
The elevator opens and everyone else exits. The doors close and I lean against the wall and start laughing so hard I can barely stand up. Quinn is proud of herself. As she should be, I deserved that. I reach out for the panel and start laughing harder. “There are two other floors selected! You scared them away!”
She gives me a patronizing smile, and tells me in a slow measured voice, “Polk, syphilis is highly contagious.” Quinn steps cautiously toward me. When her shoes touch my boots, she leans close enough that I can feel her warm breath across my skin. “Call me a coward again, and I will do far more than tarnish your character in front of strangers.”
“Welcome back, darlin’.”