Chapter 12 #2
And even though I didn’t want to admit it, the fact that he’d enjoyed our kiss made my entire body tingle and I couldn’t fight the smile that played on my lips. A sense of satisfaction flooded my body as I rolled to my back and stared up at my screen.
If I was going to have my first kiss with anyone, I was glad that it was Ethan. He was my friend and he knew me more than anyone else—well, besides Olivia. The fact that he wanted to kiss me and then complimented me on it meant a lot.
Me: Thanks
Ethan: And me? Do you want to say something to me?
I chewed my bottom lip as I thought back to our kiss. It was hot. Mind blowing. I was pretty sure he’d changed me more than I cared to admit. I doubt there was another guy on this planet that could make me feel what Ethan had.
But I couldn’t say any of that. Not when we were supposed to be just friends.
So I settled with something less exposing.
Me: Eh
Ethan: ???
I sent a shrugging emoji.
Ethan: Talk about giving someone a complex. This wasn’t my first time. You have me doubting my ability. Doubting if the Earth is round.
I giggled as I read it. Well, I didn’t want to do that. Before I could respond, his next text came in.
Ethan: Don’t answer that. I’m not sure I want to know one way or the other. Just know, I get a lot better.
Heat raced through my body and yet I shivered. I didn’t doubt that kissing Ethan got better than what it had been. There were a lot of things I had felt in that one kiss and if this was just the beginning…I sighed.
I didn’t want to admit it but I wanted to know more. And I wanted the guy who taught me everything to be Ethan.
Too bad it would never happen again.
Me: I’ll keep that in mind for all of your future girlfriends.
I hoped that was all I needed to say to squelch his assumption that there would be a next time.
Ethan: Good night, friend Collette
I smiled. I felt victorious in our conversation.
Me: Good night, friend Ethan.
I waited for a minute or two to see if Ethan would text me back, but he never did so I rolled off my bed and plugged in my phone. After I brushed my teeth and washed my face, I returned to my room feeling a million times better.
I walked over to my phone, regret settled in my stomach. I hated how I’d left things with Olivia. So I turned on my phone.
Me: Sorry I was a dud tonight. I’ll tell you tomorrow, ’kay? Movies?
Olivia: You don’t need to apologize and yes, the movies. Noon?
I sent her a thumbs up and then left my phone to crawl onto my bed and curl up under my covers. I sighed as I closed my eyes.
Now, if I could only convince my heart and head that Ethan and I were only friends, then I’d be golden. But I doubted that was possible. Especially since right now, all I could think about was Ethan’s hands on my body and his lips pressed against mine.
I had a feeling once I entered dream land, he was going to be the main star of my dreams and when I was unconscious, I wasn’t able to tell myself to get a grip.
And even though I knew it should be a problem, if I were really honest, it wasn’t.
Because in my dreams, I could have what I really wanted.
Ethan.
I woke up in the middle of the night, dying of thirst. My throat felt like sandpaper as I flung the covers from my body and slipped my feet to the cold floor. I winced as my feet took a few seconds to adjust.
I wrapped my blanket around my shoulders and stood. I tiptoed out of my room, making a point to avoid the creaky floorboards. I winced as I stepped on one. My entire body tensed as I waited for Mom’s door to open.
It never did.
After a few seconds, I blew out my breath, tucked my hair behind my ear, and made a beeline toward the kitchen. As soon as I was in front of the fridge, I pulled open the door and grabbed a water bottle.
“Couldn’t sleep either?”
Mom’s voice made me scream and drop to the floor. Once reality set it that we weren’t getting robbed, embarrassment coursed through me. I scrambled to stand and shut the fridge door.
“You scared me,” I mumbled as I turned to face her. She was sitting at the table with stacks of papers around her and a coffee mug in the middle of it all. Her hair was pulled up into a messy bun and her glasses were perched on the tip of her nose.
She looked tired…and stressed.
Not wanting our status quo to be our future relationship, I fought the urge to run back to my room and walked over to the table and sat down. I cracked the lid on my water bottle and took a sip.
Mom was watching me with raised eyebrows and parted lips. Like she wasn’t sure what to make of what I was doing.
“Light reading?” I asked as I scanned the top paper. There were a lot of numbers all over it.
Mom sighed as she leaned her elbows on the tabletop and rubbed her temples. “I couldn’t sleep.”
I nodded. “Me neither.” I took another sip of water as I studied Mom. She had dark circles under her eyes and the spark I used to see when she danced—or even talked about dancing—was gone. “You okay? You know, you can talk to me.”
I winced. Since when did I sound like a school guidance counselor? This was why I stayed away from emotional conversations. I stunk at them.
Mom leaned back and tapped her fingers on the table. Then she leaned in and sighed as she took a sip of her coffee. “How well do you know Ethan Morrison?”
I furrowed my brow. Why was she asking me that? Did she know something? “He dances with Bianca. I know that.” I tried to calm my pounding heart, hoping she wouldn’t pick up on the fact that he and I kissed hours ago.
And that I may have feelings for him.
I cleared my throat, hoping my mom wouldn’t pick up on my failed attempt at indifference. “Why?”
She studied me and then shook her head. “Never mind. He just called me earlier and asked me something…” Her voice trailed off. I raised my eyebrows at her ominous statement.
“What did he ask?” I hated how desperate I sounded. But I needed to know what they’d talked about. Was it me?
Mom blinked a few times as she turned to study me. Then she shook her head. “Nothing. It was…never mind.” She sighed as she pinched the bridge of her nose. Her shoulders slumped.
I decided to let it go. I doubted it was about me. Guys didn’t normally call up random girl’s parents for just a chat. It most likely had to do with the fact that the team was tired of taking lessons. They wanted to get out of them and sent Ethan in as tribute.
“Can I help? I mean, with whatever is stressing you out. I’d like to help.”
Mom tipped her head to study me and then sighed. “It’s just, things are bad. Funding is drying up and I don’t know where I’m going to get more.” She cleared her throat and I could see tears brimming her lids. “If this thing with Juilliard is a bust, I think I’ll have to shut the doors.”
I stared at her with my lips parted. I wanted to protest. I wanted to tell her not to worry. But what do I know? I didn’t know the first thing about running a ballet academy.
“Mom, seriously?” I leaned in, hoping I’d misheard her.
“I thought maybe opening our school to outside classes might help. Specialized classes like what we’re doing for the Oakwood football team, but…
I don’t think anyone is happy with the way that’s going.
” Mom pinched her lips together. “I just don’t know what else to do.
Juilliard calling me was the sort of Hail Mary I was hoping for.
But if they don’t pick someone from our school, it’s the end.
” She tipped her head up and closed her eyes as she blew her breath out. “We’ll be done. Finished. Closed.”
My chest felt as if there was a vise squeezing it to the point of bursting. Sure, I didn’t take dance classes, but that didn’t mean that I wanted the place to close. The school was my home and so many girls depended on it staying open.
I reached out and rested my hand on her clasped ones. She glanced up at me with a pseudo smile. She was hurting. I could see it. Feel it.
“It will work out, Mom,” I said as I held her gaze.
She freed one of her hands so she could pat my hand. “Thanks, Collette. You always know how to make me feel better.
I smiled, hoping she’d feel my confidence. That I could somehow make up for her lack of confidence. She was an amazing teacher and an incredible dancer. Anyone who worked with her would succeed. That was a fact.
“You know what you’re doing, Mom. You can do this.”
A tear slipped down her cheek. “Thanks, Collette.” She smiled, this time a genuine one. “I’m not sure what I’d do without you. Since your father left, I’ve always worried I was failing you.” She reached out and rested her hand on my cheek. “But you’re a fighter and I love that about you.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I said. My voice had turned husky as emotions choked my throat. If she only knew what I had been planning, she wouldn’t say what she just did.
If she only knew that I had been contemplating signing up for the Juilliard audition against her wishes, she’d take her words back.
I wasn’t a great daughter. I was selfish. Mom didn’t set the standards for a ballerina and she just wanted me to be realistic. My auditioning wouldn’t change anything, and my almost-certain failure wasn’t going to help anyone.
And yet, here I sat, thinking I knew better. And I didn’t.
If I loved my mom then I wouldn’t ask her to sacrifice her dream of running the academy just to play to my delusion that I might be able to get into Juilliard.
If I loved my mom, I would step back. I would let the Juilliard recruits only see our best chance—someone like Bianca or Eve.
To win a coveted spot on the Juilliard stage and finally put Academie de Ballet back on the map where it belonged.
If I cared about my mom, I would be a better daughter because in the end, the only thing that matters is the relationships you have. And if I lose my mother, I had nothing.
And that was the last thing I wanted.
Dancing wouldn’t make me happy if it made my mom miserable, and from the way she was hunched over the table with stress etched on her face, she would be heartbroken to lose the studio.
As someone with a perpetually broken heart, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. If giving up dance made my mom truly happy, then I’d do it. I would walk away.
I’d put on a smile and cheer on the other dancers as they tried out. I’d be supportive as they got opportunities I only dreamed of.
In the end, dancing was just that. A dream I could never make a reality.
It was time I started accepting that. Before a lot of the people I cared about got hurt.
Before I started down a path I couldn’t come back from.
I was at a crossroads and I needed to make the right decision. Even if it broke my entire soul to accept my fate, I was going to accept that Juilliard and I would never be.
I loved my mom too much to perpetuate this fantasy.