Chapter 13
THIRTEEN
ETHAN
I hated that I was nervous as I drove to the academy after school on Monday. It was the first time I was going to see Collette after our kiss and I was supposed to play it cool.
And I was. I was the cool guy.
But not anymore. Things with Collette had changed and I was fairly certain that it wasn’t going to go back. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that things could be the same, it wasn’t possible.
We were definitely more than friends. But I couldn’t think like that. If I did, I’d lose her. I was still uncertain as to why. Collette was a puzzle I was determined to figure out if it killed me.
When you had something as great as Collette, you worked hard for it. And like my dad always said, Morrison’s weren’t quitters. And I wasn’t going to start now.
Even so, I was starting to second guess what I’d set in motion. I mean, there were grand gestures and then there were epic fails, and I was starting to worry that the surprise I’d planned for today would be the latter.
I gripped the steering wheel long after I parked, giving myself the sort of inner pep talk I gave myself before a game.
After I parked my car and crossed the street, I took the front steps two at a time. I straightened my duffle bag on my shoulder as I moved to pull open the front door.
“Oh good. You’re here.”
Olivia’s voice startled me. I yelped and turned to see her familiar dark eyes and curly black hair. She had a sucker in her mouth and her eyebrows were raised as she ran her gaze over me.
I liked Olivia but she scared me.
“Hey,” I said. “How’s it going?”
She waved away my lame attempt at small-talk and grabbed my arm as she pulled me to the side. “We need to talk.”
I moved to follow her. As soon as we were around the building, she turned and poked my shoulder. “Why did you kiss Collette?” she asked and then folded her arms. She looked like a teacher punishing a student.
Not sure what I was supposed to say, I shoved my hands into the front pockets of my jeans and shrugged. “It felt like the right thing to do at the time.” That made me sound like a prick and from her raised eyebrows, Olivia agreed.
I sighed and raised my hand to run it through my hair and down to my neck. “Why do you think?” I held her gaze so she could feel how serious I was about Collette.
Olivia narrowed her eyes. “Hmm, that’s what I thought.”
I felt exposed and raw that Olivia now knew this about me. About us. “Did Collette tell you?” Did I dare hope that Collette might have talked about this with Olivia? That maybe it meant more to her than she was letting on.
Olivia snorted. “We’re best friends, so, yeah. She told me.”
I swallowed as I tried to push down the fear that had crept up inside of me. I didn’t know how to read Olivia and I hated this feeling of limbo.
She must have seen my fear because a moment later, she sighed and waved her hand at me. “Don’t worry, she likes you too.” Olivia tapped her chin like she was thinking.
I couldn’t fight the smile that emerged on my lips. My heart was pounding in my chest and I felt like I was about to float away. Collette did like me. I knew it. And she liked me enough to tell her friend.
See? This would all work out. I’d show her how I felt, I’d prove to her that I was there for her, and then I’d kiss her until she forgot all about whatever hangups she was holding onto to push me away.
“She said that?” I asked, hoping that I didn’t sound too eager. “She told you she liked me?”
Olivia blinked a few times as if she were returning to the present. She shook her head. “Collette didn’t need to say anything. I know my friend. She likes you.”
Well that took some of the wind out of my sales. I’d rather hear that Collette couldn’t stop talking about me. But it appeared that she was just as tight-lipped with Olivia as she was with me.
Maybe I was moving too quickly…again. Maybe she needed more time. Maybe I shouldn’t try to push her into something she’s not ready for…
I needed to see Collette and I needed to see her now. If I didn’t, these doubts would be the death of me.
I had a plan, now I had to see it through.
It was too late for second guessing. I’d taken two steps toward the studio when Olivia stopped me.
“Why are you walking away from me?” she asked. With a smirk, she added, “Do I make you nervous?”
I nodded. “A little bit, yeah.”
She smiled. “Good. Then you know I could destroy you if you hurt my friend.”
“I’m not going to hurt Collette,” I said. She had to know that.
She narrowed her eyes and then nodded. “I believe you. Or, at least…” She stopped as though she were considering her next words carefully. “I don’t think you’d intentionally hurt her.”
Her words made me wince. I didn’t want to hurt Collette…period. Intentionally or otherwise.
“Look,” Olivia said as she crossed her arms. “I know Collette seems strong and she acts like nothing bothers her, but she’s not…unbreakable.”
I nodded, my heart in my throat as I thought of the look in her eyes before she’d run away. It had taken me a little while to figure it out, but the more I’d replayed that entire incident, the more I’d seen the truth behind her actions.
It wasn’t me she’d been scared of, it was herself.
It was the same look she got when she talked about her dreams of dancing—this sort of bittersweet longing. It was the look of wanting something you know you can’t have.
I had to believe she felt this connection between us. I had to trust that she wanted it too.
Otherwise…
I swallowed down a tidal wave of fear. Well, otherwise I was about to have my heart handed to me on a plate.
Olivia shifted, her eyes darting away guiltily. “She has these insecurities…” she started. “Between her mother and being raised in this world…” She shook her head as she trailed off, clearly at a loss for words.
“I know,” I said.
Olivia’s gaze darted back to mine, her eyes widening in surprise.
“I get it,” I said.
She studied me for a while, like she could read something in my eyes. Whatever she saw there, she seemed to come to some sort of conclusion. With a short nod, she said, “Yeah, I guess maybe you do.”
The thing was I did get it. I mean, I didn’t fully understand Collette’s body issues, because those just seemed crazy to me, but I understood living in a parent’s shadow.
I got how hard it was to figure out who you really were when you spent most of your life living up to expectations—or living down to expectations, as the case may be.
I understood how hard it was to find yourself when everyone around you looked at you like they already knew exactly who you were.
I also knew that Collette had helped me figure out who I was—or at least, who I wanted to be. And I wanted to be the guy who did the same for her.
But first, I had to find her. I had to talk to her…and I had to say a prayer that she didn’t punch me in the face when I told her what I’d done.
I started to turn away when Olivia rested a hand on my arm. “Don’t tell her I said anything. She’d kill me.”
I nodded and raised my right hand in the Boy Scout salute. “I promise.”
Olivia hesitated and then dropped her hand. I made my way to the front door and pulled it open and disappeared inside. My heart was pounding as I scoured the studios in search of Collette.
Collette was the sexiest, most beautiful girl I knew. She took my breath away and I hated that she doubted that in herself. She needed to see herself in a new light—she needed to see herself like I saw her.
Just as I passed by the far end studio window, I stopped. Collette was standing in the center of the room. She had on her leotard and tights and was practicing a move. I loved how her nose crinkled as she flung her foot out and turned. She spun around and stopped.
I thought she looked amazing, but she must have not done something right because a moment later, she blew the loose strands of hair that had fallen out of her bun from her face and tried it again.
Just as she moved to twirl, her gaze fell on me. Her lips tipped up into a shy smile as I raised my hand to wave.
She motioned for me to come into the room and I did. I pulled open the door just as she rushed over to the chair next to the wall and grabbed her sweatshirt. I used to think it was cute that she liked to wear them, but now? They were just a sign of her insecurities.
But she slipped it on before I could stop her. She walked over to me with her wide blue eyes that danced with excitement, and my heart ached for the sadness I knew she held within herself.
I wanted to prove to her right here, right now, that she was incredible.
“Where’s your guitar?” she asked as she glanced around.
I shrugged as I slipped off my duffle bag and took a step toward her. “It’s in my car. I can get it later.”
She furrowed her brow. “Later? No, you practice first, remember?” She took a step back as I advanced on her.
I held her gaze, hoping she would feel everything that I was trying to say. Everything I felt. I doubted that she just wanted to be friends. I was almost positive that she was scared. And I could work with scared.
“Not today,” I said as I reached out and grasped the edge of her hoodie that she had wrapped around her body like a robe. I was tired of her hatred of her body and I was going to show her what I saw. What I only saw.
“Ethan, what are you doing?” she asked as her gaze filled with fear.
“Why do you always wear this when we practice?” I asked, allowing my voice to deepen as I grasped the other side of her hoodie.
Collette’s cheeks heated as she kept her arms wrapped around her stomach. “I get cold,” she said as she stepped back.
I shook my head. “I don’t believe that.” I moved closer just to see her eyes widen.
“I like the way it feels on my skin.”
I shook my head. “Try again.”
Tears brimmed her eyelids and I wanted to fix what she felt was so broken inside of her. What I saw was perfection and it killed me that she didn’t see the same.
“What do you want me to say?” she asked as she studied me.