Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
ETHAN
Collette was so beautiful, it almost hurt to watch her.
I’d seen glimpses of this side of her in the studio. I’d caught flashes of this young woman who was so lost in the music she forgot to be afraid; a girl so vulnerable and confident, she could conquer the world.
But here, tonight…it was more than a glimpse and it lasted so much longer than a flash. For a little while there as I played and she danced, I fooled myself into thinking it would never end.
I didn’t know why she was here or what this meant but for as long as she danced and I played, only one thing mattered.
She came.
Collette was here and she was too stunning for words. Only music and dance would do. In that short black dress, with her hair pulled up, she was elegance personified. Yet, dancing like she was, with utter abandon, she was joyful and unrestrained. Wild and chaotic and graceful, all at once.
Maybe this was why her mother feared she wouldn’t fit into the world of ballet. She could master form and technique, but beneath all that she was genuine and unrestrained.
When the last song ended, I watched her come back from that place she went when she danced.
I imagined it was the same place I went when I played music—that place where I felt weightless and free.
Her dreamy expression faded as she blinked a few times like she was readjusting to this world with its limitations and the full force of its gravity.
She gave me a small, sad smile, before turning to leave the stage. I reached out and stopped her with a hand on her arm. “Wait for me to finish,” I whispered. “Please.”
She hesitated but then she nodded and slipped off the stage with the help of Olivia and Bianca.
Offstage was a madhouse as we rushed to remove our gear so the next band could set up. “We did it, man,” Ryan shouted, clapping me on the shoulder as he passed. He was practically humming with excitement and a post-show adrenaline buzz. “You didn’t let us down.”
My chest swelled with pride. I still had to deal with my father but there was no doubt in my mind that the choices I’d made today were the right ones. I’d chosen my friend, I’d chosen to strike my own path…I’d chosen myself.
Ryan and I weren’t exactly big on touchy-feely moments, though, so I didn’t say any of that. I just smirked. “Was there ever any doubt?”
Ryan laughed as he shook his head. “Nah, man, of course not.” He nodded toward the audience. “Go on, get out there and see your girl. We can take it from here.”
He didn’t have to tell me twice. I headed off to find Collette, shouting my thanks as I went.
I was desperate to see her again, to talk to her.
I knew I needed to explain everything. I needed to make this right.
She was probably still angry, maybe even scared.
But the fact that she’d come here tonight to see me… that had to count for something, right?
“You were amazing up there.” I heard her before I saw her.
Whipping around I found her grinning at me, her eyes filled with pride and joy, along with a million other emotions. She looked nervous, and weary, and shy—well, shy for Collette.
Pretty much exactly how I felt.
But I was excited, too, and more than a little hopeful because…she came.
I took a step closer, noting distantly that Olivia and Bianca stood a few feet away, unabashedly watching us but not close enough to eavesdrop.
I took a step closer so we could hear each other over the surrounding crowd without shouting. “You were pretty incredible yourself.”
Her gaze flickered up to the stage and I caught a hint of that dreaminess again, but it was tampered by something else. Something bittersweet.
“I can’t believe you did it,” Collette said, her voice filled with awe. “I can’t believe you chose music over Yale.”
“I didn’t,” I said quickly. “Or at least, I hope I didn’t. I invited the recruiter here to watch me play. I thought maybe I could sell him on the fact that I’m more than football and good grades. I thought maybe he’d understand and…I don’t know. Maybe it’s wrong not to choose between the two but—”
“It’s not wrong,” she interrupted. “It’s smart.”
I met her gaze head-on to see if she was being honest. But this was Collette, of course she was being honest. She was never anything less than honest with me, and she deserved the same. “I’m going to tell my dad,” I said.
Her lips hitched up in a cute little smile. “After tonight, I’d say you have to.”
I nodded. The thought wasn’t nearly as terrifying as it had once been. Making the decision to choose my own dreams over my father’s had been the hardest part. Now I was just seeing through what I’d started.
My father had been texting me all night asking me where I was and what I’d done.
I planned to tell him on my own terms, just like I’d been hoping to explain everything to Collette in my own words on Monday before Bianca beat me to it.
The thought made me desperate to explain now.
The fact that she might still think I’d been somehow using her or been out to sabotage her…
I couldn’t let it lie. “I’d prepared a speech. ”
Of course, it probably would have helped if I hadn't blurted out the first words that popped into my head either.
Collette’s eyes were wide with surprise. “Excuse me?”
I drew in a deep breath. “The other day,” I said, clearing my throat and starting at the beginning. “At the studio, I’d had a speech prepared but Bianca beat me to it. I know what you think and—”
“You can’t know what I think,” she interrupted. With a helpless shrug, she added, “How can you know what I think when I don’t even know myself?”
I nodded. “Fair enough. But that’s why I want to explain.”
Her lips twitched like she might say something, but she ended up nodding instead.
“I never set out to hurt you,” I started. “When you walked away from me, after our kiss, I thought that I needed to show you how much I believe in you, how I see you…”
Her eyes widened slightly at that.
“I wanted to show how I felt,” I said. “How I feel.”
She took a deep breath but she still didn’t speak.
“I wanted to show you that I could be the guy you wanted me to be. I could be strong and stand up to my father, and that we could go after our dreams together.”
Her eyes grew wide and alarmingly shiny even in the dark lighting of this club. I cursed myself for not finding a place more private, but I was tired of waiting. Tired of not speaking when I had the chance and tired of not going after what I wanted.
“I care about you as a friend, Collette, but I want to be more. I like you more than that, and I—” My throat temporarily froze at the sight of tears in her eyes. “I hope you feel the same about me, too.”
She didn’t answer but her big blue eyes held a world of emotions and that alone gave me hope. She wasn’t apathetic. She wasn’t running away in horror. Deep down I had to believe she felt it too, and right now I needed to have faith in that to do what I needed to do.
“I asked your mother for an audition slot for you, Collette. For us.”
Her watery eyes met mine evenly but her trembling lower lip gave away the intensity of her emotions.
“I wanted to surprise you with the chance for us to perform together. I wanted to give you the opportunity to seize your dreams. And I’d hoped I could be at your side when you did it.
I thought if we both showed our parents what we’re really about, maybe it would be easier.
” I reached out and grasped her hands in mine, and squeezed.
“I wanted to show you how much I believe in you.”
Even in this loud club, I heard her catch her breath.
“But…” I started.
I sighed as a tear spilled over and trickled down her cheek with that ‘but.’
I swallowed, summoning the courage to do what needed to be done for her sake as well as mine. I couldn’t make this choice for her. I couldn’t make her choose herself or believe in herself…and I definitely couldn’t force her to love herself.
The best I could do was give her the choice and let her decide.
“But,” I said again, slower this time. “I realized something, Collette. I can’t force you into being brave, and I can’t make you see yourself the way that I do.
” I took a deep breath and forced out the words, hating the fact that they might hurt her.
“I want to be with you, Collette. And I hope that you want me, too. But I’ve realized now that you’ll never be able to trust me if you don’t trust yourself.
” My heart ached as I steeled myself against her tears.
“You’ll never be able to believe that I love you unless you learn to love yourself. ”
She caught her lower lip in her teeth, but I heard the sob she’d tried to stifle.
I pulled her close, hoping to comfort her even though I knew it was me…
I was the one who was hurting her. I wrapped my arms around her waist and dipped my head, blocking out the scene around us.
“I still believe in you, and I’d be honored to be the one at your side when you’re ready to face your fears. ”
She sniffed quietly, tears streaming down her face as she stared straight ahead, as if the buttons of my shirt might hold all the answers. I needed her to look at me, to know how serious I was…about her and about us.
I slipped my hand under her chin and tipped her face upward. She hesitated at first, but then allowed me to guide her gaze. I slid my fingers to her cheek so I could wipe away the tears that lingered there.
I reveled in the feeling of her skin against mine. There was so much I wanted to tell her. I wanted to show her just what she meant to me. I felt as if I would burst with emotions.
But I’d already talked too much this evening. I needed to act.
Before either of us could speak, I dipped down and kissed her softly. Her lips were warm and familiar. My whole body heated from her touch. She hesitated for a second but then she parted her lips and kissed me back. She moved closer to me and I responded by pulling her to my chest.