Chapter 17 #2
I could feel her hesitation. It cloaked what I knew was hidden deep inside of her.
I knew there was a whole other level of passion she was suppressing.
I could see it when she danced. She wasn’t just jokes and quippy lines.
She was elegance and perfection. If only I could draw that part of her out.
If only I could make her feel comfortable enough around me to show that part.
For a second I felt like I could feel her heartbeat. She put everything that was holding her back into that kiss and I felt it all—her confusion, her desperation, her wanting to believe.
And as much as I wanted to confirm to her that she would find all of that in my kiss, I knew better. I didn’t hold the answers she was seeking. I would always believe in her—but she needed to believe in herself.
She pulled back first and when she did, she shut her eyes rather than meet my gaze. I could all but feel her pulling away from me, shutting down.
She needed to think. She needed time.
I dropped my arms from around her waist and took a step back. “I’ll be at the auditions tomorrow,” I said.
Her head whipped up and her eyes snapped open. “What?”
“I’ll be there tomorrow,” I said again, hating the fear that was back in her eyes.
“I asked your mother for the slot and I’m not going to bail,” I said. “And I plan on inviting my parents, for the record.”
Her eyes widened and I wanted to reach for her again. But I didn’t. I cared about her so much but I was starting to understand that the best way I could help her was to let her make this decision on her own.
Let her choose if she wanted to follow her dreams, if she wanted to choose herself…if she wanted to choose me.
“I can’t make you go,” I said. “And if you don’t show, I’ll play my music and make the best of it.”
She was nibbling on her lip again, her eyes a watery mix of confusion and heartache and…and wanting.
She wanted to dance.
“I’ll be there at your side,” I said.
She stared at me for so long that the chords from the next band started up, the sounds of their off-key strumming as they warmed up broke through the silence and made her blink.
I saw it, the moment she made up her mind. She blinked once and then she shook her head. “I can’t, Ethan, I’m sorry.” She started to back away with another shake of her head. “I won’t be there.”
She turned and ran, lost in the crowd in seconds.
My heart seemed to go with her and I was left standing there, hollow. Empty.
She wasn’t just choosing to walk away from auditions, she was choosing to walk away from me. She was choosing her fears and her insecurities rather than take a risk with me.
I tried to swallow down the pain, thrusting my hands into my pockets. Maybe she’d come around. Maybe she’d learn to see her own beauty and maybe she’d get over these issues that were holding her back and keeping me at arm’s length. Maybe—
“There you are.” The recruiter who I’d met just before the show was suddenly standing right next to me. “I thought you’d left before we could talk.”
I faked a smile and reached out to shake his proffered hand.
Luckily he led the conversation because I was spent.
I managed to say all of the right responses, but my heart wasn’t into it.
I barely managed to keep a smile on my face, not even when he said how impressed he was and told me how much he enjoyed seeing this side of a candidate—something real that didn’t show up on the transcripts.
I should have been happy. He was impressed, the plan seemingly worked. I hadn’t ruined my chances for the Ivy League, and I’d managed to live out a dream and help a friend.
As much as I tried to tell myself that the night had been a success, I wasn’t convinced. None of it seemed to matter. Collette had walked away.
She’d heard my offer—the big grand gesture to come clean to the world about who we were and what we wanted. She’d heard it and she’d left.
By the time I got home, all I could think about was the look in her eyes before she’d run. The sadness, the pain, but mostly…the resignation. Like she was giving up.
That was what made it so hard to hope. I had this deep, unsettling sensation that she’d given up—on herself, on her dreams, and on us.
What else mattered now that the girl I loved had walked away?
Maybe that was why I barely flinched when I got home and ran right into a red-faced, thunderingly loud Dad. “What did you think you were doing?” he roared.
Chrissy must have been upstairs in bed—not asleep, no one could have slept with my father shouting like this. My mother sat quietly on the opposite side of the room, her lips pinched and the area around her eyes tight with tension.
“You embarrassed me tonight,” my father said as I dropped my guitar case next to the stairs. “You had no right to contact that recruiter—”
“Actually, Dad, I had every right.” I spoke quietly. I refused to match my father’s anger. I didn’t want to be like him and it would be a slippery slope if I ever let him pull me down to his level. “It’s my future,” I said calmly. “So that makes it my right.”
My dad sputtered a bit—he wasn’t used to me fighting back.
But I wasn’t fighting. I was just finally standing up for myself.
I was finally speaking the truth. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for your fundraiser,” I said.
“I try my best to help with the campaign stuff, but this time I’d made a commitment and you raised me to be the kind of man who honors his commitments. ”
He was staring at me like I’d sprouted a second head while my mother’s eyes went comically wide.
“You raised me to be a leader, Dad.” I met his gaze head-on as I walked toward him.
“That means it’s time for me to lead.” I crossed my arms. “It’s time for me to make my own decisions, and to plan my own future.
” I looked from him to my mom and back again.
“Because that’s the kind of man you’ve raised me to be. ”
Any other time I might have laughed at the way my dad’s mouth flapped open and shut. I’d never once seen him at a loss for words, and the sight would have been hilarious if I could feel anything.
As it was, I was weary and exhausted. I had a feeling that sensation was a relief compared to what I’d feel when it finally sank in that Collette didn’t choose me. That she might never choose me.
I turned and headed toward the staircase when it became clear that my parents were too stunned by my new attitude to form coherent words. I was exhausted and beat and I needed a hot shower and my bed.
I’d reached the bottom of the staircase when my dad finally managed. “Since when do you play in a band?”
I stopped. I turned. This, at least, was a valid question. “I don’t,” I said. “Not really. But I’ve been playing guitar for years.”
“You have?” My mother sounded so confused I almost felt sorry for her.
“I have.” I let out a sigh as I faced them fully. “I’m actually pretty good, too. The recruiter was impressed.”
“The recruiter.” My father’s face started to turn red which meant that I was done here. “I can’t believe you went behind our backs—”
“I wouldn’t have had to if you’d ever listened to me,” I said. “I wouldn’t have had to sneak around if you’d ever once stopped and asked me what I wanted.”
Honestly, you’d have thought I’d just told them that Martians had invaded.
“All I’ve ever worried about is your future,” my father started.
“Yeah, the future you want for me,” I said. “But that’s not my future, that’s your dream.”
“Now listen here,” he started, his voice booming once more as he fought to find his footing through his usual anger. “I’ve only ever acted out of your best interests and—”
“Here’s the thing, Dad,” I interrupted. Maybe it was the lack of emotions that made him stop talking, and that had my mother eyeing me with concern.
“I’ve been a good son, I’ve always done as I’ve been told.
But I’m not a little kid anymore. I’ll be going to college next year and it’s time for me to make my own choices. ”
I saw him open his mouth but this wasn’t an argument and if I didn’t collapse soon I’d start to think about Collette. About how she’d walked away from me…
“I’m a good son, Dad. And honestly? I’m a pretty great guitar player.” I picked up the case and started up the stairs. “If you want to be a good father, you can find out for yourself.” I glanced back to see them both at the bottom of the stairs, staring up at me like I was a stranger.
“Come support me at an audition tomorrow,” I said. “If you really care about me and my future, then show up. Show me that you care about the future I’ve picked even if it’s not the sort of future you planned.”
I walked away before they managed to come up with a response.
For the second time tonight, I’d put myself out there and I wasn’t about to stick around to see if I’d get burnt again. My heart could only handle so much rejection in one night. And losing Collette?
That was as much heartache as I could take.