Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
COLLETTE
There was a pit in my stomach that I couldn’t get rid of. It felt like I’d swallowed a whole gallon of cement; it hardened inside of my body and wouldn’t let go.
I’d felt so free and weightless while dancing with Ethan, but now it was as if I were wearing weights on my ankles and a cage around my soul. I couldn’t shake this feeling that I’d lost some part of myself when I’d walked away from Ethan last night.
I wasn’t me when I wasn’t dancing and I wasn’t me when I wasn’t with Ethan.
It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours since I’d seen or talked to Ethan but it felt like an eternity had passed. And when I’d see him again? Well, that was anyone’s guess.
I overheard Mom talking to Coach Reynolds this morning as I got ready to leave. Apparently Ethan’s dad had complained for the umpteenth time so he was releasing Ethan from his punishment. When the mayor wanted something, people bent over backwards to give it to him.
I tried to feel grateful that I wouldn’t have to see Ethan anymore. Not seeing him meant I would get over him that much faster. I wouldn’t have to worry about him intruding in my life anymore.
I could finally collapse inside of myself like a dying star.
I shook off that sad thought. Not seeing him again was a step in the right direction. I’d move on. My life would go back to normal. I’d get over him…eventually.
But no amount of self-talk about why it was a good thing that Ethan was no longer part of my life seemed to help.
Knowing that we were done just made the day drag on.
Seconds felt like minutes and I wasn’t sure if I could continue living my life in slow motion like this. If this was my new normal, kill me now.
“Psst.”
I glanced over my shoulder to see Olivia offering me a soft smile. She mouthed Are you okay? And I just shrugged and turned back to my lab I was working on. Well, ‘working on’ was a stretch. I was doodling in the corner. I couldn’t concentrate to save my life.
But I tried my best to keep my head down, to focus on my meaningless scribbles so I wouldn’t have to pay attention to the dancers who’d been leaving class for their auditions.
Knowing the auditions were currently underway was a special form of torture. Wondering if Ethan was there—if he was really going to go through with it with or without me? That was killing me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Olivia stand. I didn’t think too much of it until suddenly, ice cold water was dumped down my back.
I yelped and shimmied out of my seat. I glanced up to see Olivia’s surprised face. Her eyes were wide and her mouth shaped like an O.
“Oh my gosh, Collette, I’m so sorry,” Olivia said as she reached out to offer me assistance. I just glared at her. I loved my friend but being soaked and heartbroken had to be a new low for me.
Why stop digging at six feet when you could go to ten?
“What’s going on here?” Mr. Baker asked as he hurried from his desk over to where we were standing.
“She…I’m…” Heat permeated my cheeks as I glanced around and saw the entire class staring at us.
I just waved to my now soaked shirt and marched out of the classroom. After all, Olivia did this to me, she might as well explain herself.
Just as the classroom door closed shut behind me, I heard Olivia say, “…I should make sure she’s okay…”
Not wanting to wait for Olivia to start in on a round of, ‘what’s wrong’ and ‘why aren’t you okay,’ I hurried to the bathroom. Thankfully, I had a tank on underneath and as soon as I was at the hand dryer, I slipped off my shirt and stuck it under the air.
Olivia joined me a few seconds later. She kept talking but I couldn’t hear over the roar of the dryer. I shook my head and shrugged as I watched her lips move. Hoping she’d pick up on the message that I didn’t want to talk. Not to her. Not to anyone.
I could make out some of the things she was saying. Something about Ethan and dancing, but I’d made my decision. There was no going back now.
Suddenly, Olivia yanked my shirt from my hands and stepped back. There was a fire in her gaze that I’d never seen before. I scrambled to get it back from her, heat pricking at my neck.
What was the matter with her? Couldn’t she see that I just wanted to be left alone?
The noise from the dryer stopped and an eerie silence engulfed the room. I lunged for Olivia only to have her step to the side and raise my shirt over her head.
“Give it back,” I said as I stood there with my hands on my hips, trying to give her the most menacing stare I could muster.
When she met my gaze, I wanted to cry. Olivia didn’t seem angry or upset. Instead, she looked worried. That was so much worse. I could handle her anger right now. In fact, I craved it. Part of me wanted to yell and shout and slam my fists against the wall. But seeing her concern? Or worse…pity?
That I couldn’t handle.
Olivia sighed. “I’m sorry I had to resort to such drastic measures, but you are shutting me out,” she said as she shook out my shirt and grabbed a few paper towels and began blotting it.
I stared at her as I tried to process what she was saying. “You did this on purpose?”
Exhaustion swept over me and I leaned my shoulder against the wall as I watched her work.
Olivia snorted. “I’m a dancer. I have incredible balance.
” She smiled at me but then her expression morphed into one of concern.
“You didn’t answer my texts and this morning, I waited around for you in the courtyard but you never came.
” Her voice dropped to a hurt whisper. “We always meet in the courtyard.”
Perfect. Now I could add ‘being a crappy friend’ to the list of why I sucked as a human. I swallowed, the cement from my stomach moving up to lodge itself in my throat. Tears stung my eyes and I shifted my body away from Olivia so she couldn’t see them spill.
“Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?” Olivia’s voice was closer and I glanced down at the ground to see she was standing right next to me.
I parted my lips, hoping something witty would come out, but nothing but a sob escaped.
I was a horrible human being. I wanted to dance.
I wanted Ethan. I wanted my mother to be proud of me.
I wanted the school to thrive. I wanted to pursue my dreams but I wasn’t a glutton for punishment and I had no desire to live in a world filled with rejection and humiliation.
I wanted to be a professional dancer and I wanted to not want to dance and I wanted Ethan but I didn’t want to want him and… ugh, I was a mess.
I felt like I was being pulled in so many different directions but no matter which way I choose, someone always ends up getting hurt.
If I chose dancing and Ethan, then it would break my mother’s heart.
If I chose my mother, then Ethan would never look at me like he had last night.
But then he’d eventually find someone else.
And I’d move on too, just without Ethan and without dancing.
And as for Juilliard and the auditions? Well, the dancing world never knew I existed so I doubted they would care if I disappeared.
Olivia wrapped her arms around me and let me sob into her shoulder. All the worries. All the stress that I’d been carrying around for days slipped out. I was broken and hurting. Trying to cover a wound that felt as if it would never heal was killing me inside.
If I was ever going to become whole again, I needed to mourn.
And that’s what I did. I mourned my future with Ethan and my future as a dancer.
Thankfully, I didn’t cry forever even though it felt like I could. A few minutes later, my tears began to dry up and I stepped away from Olivia and into a stall where I grabbed a handful of toilet paper.
Once I was down to just sniffles, I turned and faced Olivia. I forced a smile and shrugged. “Thanks,” I said.
Olivia nodded as she continued to blot at my shirt. Then she sighed as she tossed it to the side. “I’ve got a sweatshirt in my locker you can borrow. Now, are you going to tell me what’s wrong or do I need to spill water on your pants as well?”
I raised my eyebrows as I studied her. From the tilt of her chin and her narrowed eyes, I knew she meant business. So I swallowed and walked over to the mirror where I began dabbing at my face. I looked like a mess, which was perfect.
I was a mess.
I sighed as I ran my hands under the water in front of me. There was something soothing about the shock that came from ice cold water touching your skin. It was waking me up which was nice. I was tired of living in a haze.
“I’ve given up dancing and Ethan,” I mumbled as I watched the water trickle through my fingers.
“I’m sorry, what? Why?”
I inhaled slowly and then held my breath for a moment. Then I exhaled. I needed to remind myself why leaving everything I loved behind made sense. That this was what I wanted—no needed.
I glanced over my shoulder and shot Olivia a please let this go look. “It’s the right thing to do.” I pulled my hands from the water and shook the excess from my skin.
Olivia’s expression didn’t shift to one of understanding. Instead, the crease between her eyebrows deepened and she glared at me. Glared at me.
“You are ridiculous,” she said as she folded her arms and met my gaze head on.
I parted my lips as I stared at her. “I’m sorry, what?”
She motioned to my body. “You are one of the most talented dancers in the entire school. You have so much potential in your one pirouette than I do in my entire body. You’re beautiful and an incredibly handsome guy wants you.
” She sighed as she shoved her hands into the front pockets of her jeans.
“I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He loves you.
He adores you. And he wants you, just the way you are. ”
I parted my lips but I couldn’t seem to find the words to speak. And then, reality hit me and tears sprung up again. I knew all of these things. I did. But they weren’t the reasons I was walking away.