Chapter 18 #2
“The school is in trouble, Livi,” I said as I turned. I hated that I was spilling this to her when it was Mom’s secret, but I was tired of holding it inside.
“What?”
“The school. It’s in trouble. If the scout doesn’t pick someone from here, then the donors will leave and then this”—I waved my hands around the bathroom—“will be over.”
I rested my hands on the sink in front of me and tipped my face down. I swallowed as my final words rang in the air.
When Olivia didn’t say anything, I glanced over at her to see her frustration etched on her face. She was still mad at me? Why?
“That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
You dumped Ethan and quit dance because you’re trying to save the school?
” She growled as she threw her hands up in the air.
“You’re not a savior, Collette. If this school is doomed to close, it has nothing to do with you.
Quitting everything you love isn’t going to save your mom or the students here.
” She stepped forward as she held my gaze.
“It will only make you unhappy and full of regret.”
I studied her as I let her words sink in. She was right. I knew she was right. My auditioning wouldn’t hurt Bianca or Eve’s chances of being picked. I wouldn’t help save the school but my auditioning wouldn’t hurt it either.
But it would save me from seeing my mother’s embarrassment. It would spare me the pain of her disgust when she watched me dance.
I sucked in a deep breath as the truth of it landed like a punch in the gut.
Olivia was right. I was no savior…I was just scared. Scared of being rejected again and terrified of making a fool of myself.
And Ethan? Who did I think I would help by hurting the guy who’d done nothing but support me and my dreams?
Walking away from Ethan certainly wouldn’t save the school. I shut my eyes tightly against the image of his pain as I’d told him no. As I’d turned away from him and his offer.
My gut churned as an ugly truth I didn’t want to face started to surface.
Walking away from Ethan had been hard, but it had been easier than facing his rejection.
And deep down that was what I knew would come of being with him.
One day he’d wake up and realize that I wasn’t amazing.
He’d finally lose those rose-colored glasses and see me as I really was, flaws and all. And when he did…would he still want me?
Olivia pulled me into a hug and then stepped back. “I know you, Collette. I know why you’re pulling away. You’re worried that who you are isn’t good enough.” She smiled at me and shrugged. “But you are. Everyone sees it but you.”
I met her gaze and let myself hear her words. For the first time I forced myself to consider that maybe she wasn’t just being nice because I was her friend. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Olivia was never nice just to be nice, not even to me.
Olivia was honest. Brutally honest, in fact.
She placed her hands on my shoulders like she was my coach preparing to lay into me with some hard truths. “It’s time you stop running away from what you want, Collette. It’s time to start chasing your dreams.”
I took a deep breath because what she was saying? It was terrifying. It was so frightening…because it was true.
“I don’t know how to do that,” I said.
Her eyes grew warm with sympathy. “Maybe you could start by trusting me when I tell you that you’re more than enough—for Juilliard, for this school…for Ethan.”
My heart did a weird little backflip at the mention of Ethan.
Olivia sighed. “Maybe you could start by trusting Ethan.”
I let out a shaky breath as her meaning hit home. It was so hard to let myself believe that he might mean what he said. It was so much easier to listen to that voice that said he was mistaken, or he was blind, or he would change his mind. But why?
Why couldn’t I choose to believe in Ethan rather than in that stupid voice that had been making me miserable for years?
Olivia squeezed my shoulders. “Be brave, Collette. Take a chance. Take the leap.” She scrunched up her nose. “Now I sound like those motivational posters.”
I laughed for the first time in a long time. And it felt amazing. As if I were releasing the pressure on the balloon that was my stress. So I laughed some more until tears filled my eyes.
Olivia stared at me with her eyebrows raised. I could tell she was confused but I couldn’t stop so just waved my hand in her direction as I bent over and held my stomach.
She was right. On so many levels. And it was comical how wrong I’d been. How completely lame I’d been. I was the fool. I was the idiot who thought giving my life jacket to this school was the way to save it.
It wasn’t.
“I’m so sorry,” I said through the burst of laughter.
Olivia nodded but she still looked confused.
Thankfully, she stayed with me until I finished. I wiped my cheeks as my expression grew serious. “You’re right, Livi. I’m so sorry. I’ve been a lame friend.” I furrowed my brow. “Can you forgive me?”
She stared at me for a moment before she slowly began to nod. “I think I can manage that.”
I grabbed my shirt and pulled it on. It wasn’t soaking wet which was good enough for me. Then I threaded my arm through Olivia’s as we walked out of the bathroom. I swallowed as I tried to push down the fear that had crept up inside of me at the words I wanted to speak.
If I was going to be brave. If I was going to prove to Olivia and Ethan that I was the person they thought I was, then I needed to act.
I needed to put my money where my mouth was.
“So, do you think you can help me?” I asked suddenly, forcing the words out on an exhale.
Olivia glanced down at me. “With what?”
My whole body felt as if it were on fire, but I couldn’t back down now. I was strong. I was a dancer. I could do this.
“Help me with the audition?”