Chapter 5
Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud.
I groan, pulling a pillow over my head, trying to block out the throbbing pain in my skull.
The beat keeps drumming. If anything, it’s getting louder.
How much did I drink last night?
Not enough to forget Zach. I swear that man just has to look at me and my panties disintegrate into nothing. I spent the rest of the night trying to erase the memory of the bathroom to no avail. Considering how much I still think about him, this shouldn’t be a surprise.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.
I wince, only now realizing that pounding pain isn’t just in my head.
“Go away,” I mumble into the mattress, pulling the soft sheets over my head.
“Honey,” Olivia’s voice comes through the wood loud and clear. “It’s me. Open up.”
The sheer urgency in her voice makes me throw the sheets back and push myself up.
“Oh. That was a mistake.” I wince in an attempt to get the room to stop spinning. “Don’t throw up,” I whisper to myself, the only kind of pep talk I can muster at the moment.
“Honey?”
“Yeah, give me a second,” I drawl, slowly dragging myself out of bed.
When I walk past my reflection, I gasp at the woman standing before me.
Mascara is smeared down my face from when I was crying to Chase—or was it Chris?
They both look so similar that I’m not sure I could tell the difference drunk.
My hair is a tangled mess, still in a half updo and back-combed to oblivion.
I really should’ve given it a good conditioning last night.
But none of that is the worst part.
The most humiliating thing is that I’m still in my bridesmaid’s dress, now wrinkled beyond repair. I can’t even look at the slit on the side without thinking about Zach’s hand sliding underneath it.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
“Come on, Honey. It’s urgent.”
I push through the embarrassment, stumble to the door, and yank it open.
Olivia is glowing as she stands there in leggings and one of Mike’s old T-shirts stretched over her belly.
“Wow.” It’s all she says as she takes me in. “I knew yesterday would be tough on you, but uh—” She’s lost for words.
“Are you okay?”
She shakes her head and walks into the room. “I’m fine, but I have a problem.”
“What’s wrong?”
She tosses the bed sheets back so she can lower herself onto the edge of the bed. When she looks up at me, all I see is guilt.
“The cruise line called me this morning.”
“Okay.” I cross my arms, watching her every reaction.
“Well, when we booked it, I didn’t know I was pregnant, and now, well—” She trails off, swallowing hard. “I’m too far along, Honey. They won’t let me board the cruise.”
My brow furrows because the words don’t make sense at first.
“Why won’t they let you board?”
“It’s a liability issue. I’m too far along in the pregnancy.
If I go into early labor, they don’t have the medical facilities or the ability to fly me out to a hospital.
They’re not equipped for—” She rubs her belly before looking down at it and frowning.
“I’m so sorry. I should have checked the fine print. I should have—”
“It’s okay, Liv.” Sitting down, I take her hand and draw her attention to me. “It’s not your fault that Mike impregnated you with my future favorite person.”
She smiles at that. “But this trip was supposed to be for you. I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks, and now I’ve ruined it.”
“You didn’t ruin anything.” I squeeze her hands, hoping the disappointment doesn’t show. I don’t want her to feel bad. It’s not her fault that I embarrassed myself at a wedding last night and wanted to hide in the middle of the ocean. “We can reschedule it. After the baby comes, we’ll—”
“No.” She shakes her head firmly. “I don’t want you to have to put your life on hold for me. You should still go.”
“On my own?” I ask with a raised brow.
When she nods, I laugh and look down at my rumpled dress. “Do you really think I can be trusted on a cruise ship alone? I couldn’t even put my pajamas on last night.”
She brushes back a clump of my hair to rest behind my ear. “You made some mistakes last night, but you did just see Zach for the first time in a long time.”
I nod, still not feeling any better about myself and how I acted, though.
“Can’t say I blame you. Zach has always been blessed with looks, but my goodness. In that suit—” She lets out a little hum. “—saying all those nice things about Tiff and Jamie. Well, no wonder you wanted a little piece of him.”
“Olivia!” My jaw drops, and I playfully push my friend away, because she’s not wrong.
“What?” She shrugs. “I might be pregnant, but I’m not dead. The man is hot. Even hotter since he started bulking up for the NFL.”
I blow out my breath. “Don’t I know it.”
Her hand wraps around my shoulder. “This is why you need to go on the cruise. You need this trip. You need to get away from everything and figure out what you want in life.” She gives me a little smile.
“I’m not taking that away from you. Mike’s on the phone with the cruise company, fighting to get me cleared for a later port.
Maybe I can meet you in Nassau or something. ”
“No. I don’t want you to risk anything for me.”
“Will you go if I don’t?”
Good question. The tickets are non-refundable, and even though I have a trust fund helping me at the moment, I don’t have the ability to just throw money away like that.
“Go.” She squeezes my hand. “Go spend two weeks on a cruise ship and get pampered and relaxed.”
“On my own, though?”
Anxiety in my chest rises when I think about sitting at dinner alone. What will people think of me?
“I mean,” She raises an eyebrow, a hint of her usual mischief breaking through. “You don't have to be alone the entire time. Who knows, you might meet a cute guy. Could even get laid and have some fun for once.”
I let out a hollow laugh. “That’s not going to happen.”
“Why not? You’re young, you’re gorgeous, you’re finally free from all that family bullshit—”
“Liv.” I cut her off, moving toward my suitcase. “After last night? With Zach?” I stand and yank open my suitcase, shoving clothes inside without folding them just to give me something to do. “Meeting a cute guy is the last thing on my mind.”
She takes a moment, then says, “You know, for someone who says she wants to move on from that—you aren't exactly doing much moving.”
“I know.” I sigh, frustrated at myself for always giving in to my feelings and not focusing on what's important, like actually doing the work and finding myself.
She shifts on the bed. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” I grab my toiletries from the bathroom, tossing them on top of the clothes. “It was a mistake. A stupid, reckless mistake that doesn’t change anything.”
“Doesn’t it?”
“No.” My hands are shaking as I zip up my bag. “We’re still broken up. I’m still leaving. He’s still—” I stop, my throat tight. “He’s still him, and I’m still me. Nothing about last night changes the fact that I don’t know who I am without him.”
Olivia silently assesses the situation before she pushes herself up from the bed with a small grunt and waddles over to me.
“Then go find out,” she says softly, wrapping her arms around me from behind, her belly pressing against my back.
“Get on that cruise. Write in your notebook. Stare at the ocean. Figure out what Honey Sanderson wants when she’s not running from or toward anyone.
” She squeezes tighter. “And when you come back, maybe you’ll finally have an answer. ”
My eyes burn. “What if I don’t find one?”
“Then at least you’ll have a killer tan.”
I laugh despite myself, leaning back into her embrace. “I love you, Liv.”
“I love you, too.” She presses a kiss to my shoulder. “Now go shower. You smell like a distillery.”
Forty-five minutes later, I’m showered, packed, and standing in the elevator with my suitcase in one hand and the bouquet I caught last night in the other.
I didn’t mean to, but I was pretty much the only single / non-engaged or married to the love of their life woman there last night, which kind of made it impossible to avoid.
That and Madison might’ve dragged me to the dance floor and pushed me in the direction of the throw. I couldn’t bear to see it fall on the floor, so I caught it.
Olivia is standing next to me with her hand on the top of her bump as she looks down at the flowers. “You’re not bringing those with you, are you?”
I follow her gaze, taking in the wilting white roses and blue hydrangeas. “I don’t know,” I admit. “It kind of felt wrong to leave them.” I run my hand over the gold ribbon that says Forever Starts Today in white script, and all I can think about is Zach’s smirk when I caught them.
“Even if Zach sees you carrying those, he’s going to take it as a personal invitation to start planning your wedding?”
“He’s not going to see me.”
Olivia snorts. “And I’m not pregnant. That man already acts like your ex-boyfriend, current boyfriend, and future husband all at once. You really think you’re going to get out of this hotel without him seeing you?”
“I do.”
“Well, I like your optimism. How did it work out for you last night in the bathroom?”
I sigh. “That was a mistake.”
She hums. “Have you ever thought that the universe is hitting you over the head with a mallet and you’re too oblivious to notice?”
I glare at her. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”
“I am on your side. Unfortunately, your side keeps making out with the same six-foot-six problem, and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about it.”
I let out a laugh despite myself.
“It won’t happen again.”
When the elevator dings open and we walk out into the lobby, Olivia pulls me in for one more hug.
“I’m sorry I can’t come with you, but will you call me when you board?”
“Of course.”
“And text me pictures of everything. I want to live vicariously through you for the next two weeks.”
“I will.”
“And Honey?” She pulls back, her hands on my shoulders. “Whatever happened with Zach last night—it doesn’t define you. You get to decide what it means. Nobody else.”