Chapter 8
EIGHT
Sophia
One month later
Walking on eggshells every waking minute of the day is far more tiring than any newborn baby stage could ever be.
I jump at every noise. Startle at every shadow.
Things are going from bad to worse at a rate I can’t even comprehend. Everything is spiralling out of control. It’s like I’m being spun around in circles at full speed, and I can’t get out because I can’t even see the way out, it’s all spinning too fast.
It’s a big blur of being scared and confused, and watching the minutes, hours, days and weeks tick by and not doing anything to protect myself. All I’m doing is sinking deeper and deeper into a pit of self-loathing.
Josh hasn’t touched me – literally . Not only has he not hit me again, but he hasn’t touched me at all. It’s like he looks right through me, and as fucked up as it is to say, sometimes that feels worse than the fear of him seeing something he doesn’t like. I don’t think he sleeps anymore, he’s barely eating, and he’s out at all hours.
I don’t know what to do about any of it.
Something’s got to give – I just pray it’s not my sanity, or my life.
Not that either of those things are going well for me right now anyway.
The only thing I feel like I’m doing even remotely right is being Aria’s mum. I know deep down I’m a good mum. It’s the only thing I’m sure of anymore.
I sigh as I walk through the gate of the small park.
The last thing I feel like doing is meeting up with the local young mum’s group at the playground this morning, but if I stayed in that house a minute longer, I was legit going to lose my mind, so I’m here, about to sit on a blanket on the grass, surrounded by babies, toddlers and other mums who had their kids as teens, and pretend that everything is fine.
Maybe it might be nice to fake it for a while.
Most of the mums are kind of annoying. They’re still young , young, and it’s all teenage slang and never-ending drama, but there’s one cool girl, Cat, and we’ve actually become friends. She’s the oldest one here at nearly twenty-three, and her son, Max, is going to start school next month. She was one of the girls who started this group.
She gives me hope that there’s life outside of being a mum with a shitty baby daddy. She’s a police officer, and she’s just got engaged to her boyfriend, a guy who she met when her son was just a baby.
She’s awesome. She’s strong and she’s trustworthy. She’s exactly the kind of person I should be talking to about what’s going on at home. She’d help me, I know she would.
I probably wouldn’t have come today if she hadn’t text me to tell me she was going to be here. She’s missed the last three because of work, and they’ve all sucked.
She hugs me when I arrive, and it’s nice. No one ever hugs me anymore except for Aria. It’s not until Cat starts talking my ear off about everything we need to catch up on, that I realise how starved I am for adult interaction.
I don’t think I’ve had a real conversation with another adult since I last saw Bryson about a month ago.
I must be the saddest person around. It’s pathetic. My life is utterly boring for the most part, and the rest of it is sprinkled with trauma and abuse. What a winning combo.
“Is she asleep?” Cat asks, leaning around me to try and see into Aria’s push chair.
“Yeah, she dozed off about ten minutes ago.”
She tips her head backwards, in the direction of the park, away from the playground. “Come for a walk with me, I need to talk to you about something.”
I don’t know what she could want to tell me, but God knows my life could do with a bit of excitement. Maybe it’s more gossip about her sister and the three guys she’s been dating. I’ve got my fingers crossed there’s a fourth on the scene. Drama is fun when it’s not your own.
I’m getting the vibe it might be more serious than that, though. She looks anxious.
I get up and move Aria’s pushchair so I can take her with us. Cat asks one of the other girls to keep an eye on her son, Noah, who’s playing pretend shooting games with some of the other boys under the monkey bars.
We walk away from the group, and she makes small talk about being at work full time, and how Caleb has been so good with Noah, so good in fact that he’s planning to adopt him after the wedding.
It’s all real nice and all, but it’s not what she wanted to get me alone to talk about.
I know that as well as she does .
“So, are you going to tell me the gossip or do I have to drag it out of you?” I ask when she finally falls silent.
She turns serious and my stomach flips. I don’t like how nervous she looks. An expression like that isn’t going to lead to her telling me something positive. I don’t know what she could possibly have to say to me, though, she barely knows anything about me or my life.
“I’m scared to tell you,” she admits.
I frown in confusion. “Why would you be scared?”
“Because I shouldn’t be telling you this.”
“You don’t have to tell me anyth–” I try to reassure her.
“I do. ” She interrupts me. “But I could lose my job for this. I could be thrown off the force completely. You have to swear that you’ll never say a word about where you heard this, to anyone . Do you understand me? You have to play dumb.”
I nod, confused, but willing to go along. Whatever it is she wants to tell me, it’s obviously important to her, and more than that, I want to know, the suspense is killing me.
“I swear, I won’t tell,” I promise. “I can play dumb, probably a little too well.”
She looks around to make sure we’re really alone, that no one has crept into ear shot. “Sit down,” she instructs.
I sit on the bench she’s led me to and pull the pushchair next to me, nervously rocking it back and forth.
“This stays between us,” she warns me.
I nod quickly, pulse racing.
She takes a deep breath. “The past year, I’ve been part of a taskforce assigned to bringing down drug dealers in the area. We’ve cleaned up a bunch of the little guys on the street, but there’s a big-time supplier. Their operation is growing rapidly and putting more drugs on the streets than anyone has ever seen before… and they’re local.”
“Okay...” I say, waiting for what the hell this has to do with me.
She looks at me like she’s sorry for what she’s about to say.
“It’s Josh’s uncle, Soph. He’s the drug king pin.”
I think I almost black out.
“ Gavin ?” I manage to get out.
She nods her head.
“But he can’t be. That’s crazy. I mean, I know he grows a little weed, but a drug king pin ? You’ve got the wrong guy. He just runs the auto supplies shop; I really don’t think he’s selling hard drugs on the side.”
She sits down next to me and rests her hand on my arm. “He’s not just dealing it, honey, he’s making it. We’ve got intel telling us that they’re producing meth, heroin, MDMA pills… you name it, they’re probably putting it out there. It’s a huge scale operation. ”
“Meth? Heroin ?” I gasp. “I don’t even know how you make those!”
She squeezes my arm. “I’m really sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but I don’t want you getting caught up in it all when shit starts going down.”
My eyes widen. “What has it got to do with me ?”
She just looks at me, waiting for reality to sink in.
Oh my god.
No.
“You don’t think…”
She nods sadly.
No. no. no. no.
Josh can’t be tied up in this.
Except for that maybe he can . The cogs start spinning in my head. Things that shouldn’t add up, start adding up.
I hear the breath leave my lungs. “No.”
“I’m so sorry, Sophia. I didn’t know he was your Josh until a couple of months ago. We’d been so focused on his uncle.”
“No. He wouldn’t ,” I whisper.
Except he would . I’m only lying to myself by acting like he would never do something like this. It’s got his name written all over it.
She rubs my arm in a way she intends to be comforting, but I don’t think I could find comfort in anything in this moment.
“Why are you telling me this now?”
“We’re close to making a bust, and when that happens, you and Aria need to be far away, somewhere safe. You need to make sure that you’re not implicated in anything dodgy. I need you to search for anything illegal in the house, anything that you might be able to find in bank statements and go to the police with it. I need you to be completely innocent in this. If he’s weaved your name into any of it, you need to untangle it, and quickly.”
My veins feel like they’re filled with ice.
“Could I really get into trouble? When I haven’t even done anything wrong?” I can feel myself starting to panic. If something happens to me, what will happen to Aria? I’m a teen mum, I don’t have a lawyer. I don’t have crap all. I can’t afford anything.
If I find myself in the shit, I’ve got no way of getting out of it without running to mummy and daddy.
“Breathe,” she demands. “No one thinks you have anything to do with any of this, and I’m sure you’ll be totally fine, but I’d rather not take any chances. If he tries to take you down with him, it’s going to be messy to clear your name. I’d rather you don’t find yourself in that position.”
“Okay.” I nod, doing my best to take deep breaths.
“Go through your financials, check there’s nothing hidden in the house that could incriminate you, and if you find anything you need to go to the police, but most importantly… you need to leave.”
Leave.
That’s exactly what I need to do, but I need to find something to prove this isn’t all some crazy conspiracy first. I have to see some evidence. I know I need to leave either way, but I also need to know for sure first. I can’t just take her word for it – this is too crazy. I can’t have been this blind.
“I have to get home,” I mutter as I get to my feet.
She looks at me with her eyes full of worry. “Are you okay?”
“No,” I admit. Truthfully, I’m far from okay. I’m so far away from okay that I can’t even remember what it feels like.
The man I made a baby with isn’t just a violent, jealous asshole, he might also be a drug dealer.
Just perfect.
It all makes sense as I stare down at the needles, glass pipes, and various other items I don’t even recognise or know the use for.
I feel so stupid. All the signs were there. I should have known it was drugs. I guess it was easier for him to hide from me than the alcohol was.
Fuck, I’m an idiot .
He’s a drug dealer. And a serious drug user by the looks of things. Maybe even an addict if his more recent behaviour is anything to go by.
Not only did I find the paraphernalia, but I found enough other evidence to support what Cat told me, as the absolute truth. Thousands and thousands of dollars in cash was stashed in an old shoe box in the very back of a cupboard in the hallway – somewhere I’d have thought Josh had never, ever been.
Clearly, I was wrong. Looks like I’ve been wrong about a lot of things. Apparently, I have no idea of anything going on around me. All this time we’ve been struggling to make ends meet and he’s had all this tucked away for a rainy day.
I managed to get into Josh’s iPad and read through a bunch of his messages with his uncle and cousin, and while they don’t seem like much, when you know what you’re looking for, they paint a disturbing picture of a sly, undercover family operation.
Fuck, this is insane . This is the kind of shit you see on Euphoria , or Ozark , this isn’t happening here, in little towns like the one I grew up in.
It can’t be.
Except for the fact that it is.
I’m not stupid, I knew he sold weed in high school, but this … this is insane.
I guess this is what the kids selling hooch at school can turn into.
He never stopped at all like he promised me he had. Instead, he only got in deeper. Much, much deeper.
At this point, I’d be willing to bet that auto supply shop is nothing more than a cover for their money laundering from their drug empire or something equally as nuts. Hell, maybe they’re actually cooking meth in the back. Maybe they don’t even do auto supplies at all.
Maybe everything is just one big lie.
They all need to be arrested and thrown in jail before this ruins any more lives. It sounds like that’s exactly what’s going to happen, and when it does, me and Aria need to be out of the way.
I need to report what I’ve found – hopefully that will be enough to clear my name and keep me out of trouble.
I can’t believe I didn’t see it. I feel so stupid.
My heart is racing as my fingers hover over the dial screen on my phone.
It feels like my stomach is trying to climb up my throat as I press the green call icon.
I hear the voice on the other end as my call is picked up almost instantly.
“He-Hello,” I stutter. “I think I need help,” I finally admit.
He’s here in less than ten minutes, which, given he lives nearly double that away, is no small feat .
I guess he meant it when he said all I needed to do was call.
“Tell me everything, don’t leave anything out,” Bryson instructs as he packs Aria’s clothes into a big box he brought with him.
Not only did he arrive fast, but he also came prepared. I almost have to wonder if he kept his vehicle loaded up, waiting for the day this call would come.
“Sophia. Talk.”
I may as well be totally honest with him now. It’s not like there’s any hiding it anymore.
“He’s a drug dealer. I think he might be an addict. And he hits me.”
His movements falter for a second, and I watch as he composes himself enough to carry on.
“What kind of drugs?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I found needles. Pipes. I don’t know what that means.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” he mutters.
I feel tears welling in my eyes, but I can’t cry again, not now. I try my hardest to blink them back as I take a few deep breaths.
He glances over his shoulder at me and must see that I’m on the verge of falling apart.
“Hey,” he says softly, crossing the small space and pulling me into his arms. “None of this is on you. You did the right thing calling me. I’ll make sure you’re safe no matter what.”
I don’t know how he does it, but I do feel safe .
I trust him.
I barely know him when it comes down to it – I’m not sure how I could possibly know him when this is the most he’s ever spoken to me, ever, but there’s something in me that knows something in him.
“I don’t know what I’m meant to do.”
“You’re meant to keep it together, just for now, until we get you and Aria out of here safely, and we’ve spoken to the police, and then… then you’re meant to fall apart.”
“Okay,” I whisper.
“I won’t leave your side. Alright?”
I honestly don’t think I’d be able to do any of this if it weren’t for him. I’d be alone.
I couldn’t call my parents. What the hell would I say?
Hey, Mum, hey, Dad, turns out my boyfriend, who I’m pretty sure you already hate, is a druggie, a dealer, oh, and he doesn’t mind a bit of domestic violence on the side.
None of my friends are close enough to be able to help fast enough.
I could have called Cat, but I didn’t want to risk anyone finding out that she led this horse to water.
She’s done enough for me, the least I can do is make sure that she doesn’t get into any trouble.
I also know that we can’t risk compromising the investigation. These bastards have to go to prison. Every last one of them, and if her superiors knew she’d said a word to me about it, the whole thing might get thrown out. I need to be very careful about what I say.
“Alright.” I nod. “I can be strong, for now.”
I think I feel him kiss the top of my head, but he moves away so quickly, back to his packing, that I can’t be sure.
“Put your things in a bag,” he tells me. “I’ll finish up in here and then we’ll start loading up. Don’t leave anything you can’t live without; you might not get a chance to come back.”
I nod numbly as I go to do what he tells me to.
You might not get a chance to come back.
It’s crazy to think that might be true. Not that I care much about this shit hole flat, but it’s been my home for a while now. It’s weird to think I might never set foot in the door again.
I don’t really have anything I care about other than some old photos and school memories. My passport, birth certificate and a few other documents go into the bag with my favourite clothes and some toiletries. I fill up the few bags I have with anything else that’ll fit and start to lug them out to the living room.
I pause when I walk by a framed photo of Josh, me and Aria, on the wall in the hallway.
She’s only a few weeks old in the picture, and even though I knew then what he was capable of, we look happy.
I don’t know how the hell we got here .
Nothing was ever perfect, but it was okay. It wasn’t dangerous or filled with fear. Arrest warrants and prison time wasn’t looming.
I guess those days are long gone.
I take the photo off the wall and shove it into a bag. Maybe Aria will want it one day. It’ll likely be the last family picture we ever take together, after all.
I keep dragging the bags until Bryson materializes out of thin air to take them from me. I don’t know how he does that, he’s a huge guy, but he’s quiet as hell.
He lifts them and swings them over his shoulder to carry them out.
“Alright, I’ve taken out Aria’s stuff already. I’ll load these up while you double-check you don’t need anything else, and then we’re grabbing Aria and leaving, okay?”
I nod my head. I know I’m doing the right thing, but this is a lot to deal with. I’m essentially walking away from everything I know, with about an hours’ notice. I can barely pack for a weekend trip without feeling like I’ve forgotten something, how am I meant to manage this? I’m teetering on the edge of a meltdown.
I know I’m meant to be doing what he said, but instead I’m standing there, blankly staring at the door he just walked out of.
It feels surreal having him here, in this little place I’ve been trying to make a home. I don’t like it. He doesn’t fit here. I don’t want him tainted with the memories of what happened here. The sooner we leave, the better.
Aria starts to babble from her cot in the corner. I’ve timed this well with her nap. Not that there was any real rush, Josh hasn’t been coming home until about eight at night every day, but I don’t know what the police are planning – I don’t know if Josh and his family have anyone on the inside feeding them intel, and the last thing I need is to be anywhere near here if he comes home.
“Is that everything?” Bryson asks as he comes through the door.
“Just her cot once I get her out, and that chair over there – my nana gave it to me.”
He nods, and heads for the chair.
I don’t know where he’s planning to fit everything, but I don’t have the energy to ask questions.
“Go grab her up, Sophia, I’ll take the cot out after,” he says as he strides past me, the heavy chair just causally balancing on his shoulder.
“Okay.”
I feel frozen. I know I told him I could be strong, but I’m starting to have doubts.
“Sophia,” he says softly.
I spin around in surprise. I thought I was alone.
“Go and get your baby. You’ll feel better when she’s in your arms.”
I nod. He’s right. I might not be able to help myself, but I can do anything for Aria .
“You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for,” he tells me.
I can feel myself starting to tear up. He truly believes I’m strong. That I can do this. I can’t let him down now, no matter how hopeless I feel.
“Bryson?”
“Yeah?”
“I need you to promise me something,” I tell him.
He eyes me up curiously. “Okay, what is it?”
“That you won’t treat me like a victim. Please don’t let me become one.” My voice cracks, and I feel a breakdown coming, but somehow, I manage to bite it back.
The look on his face tells me that he understands. I don’t know how, but he knows exactly what I’m saying.
“Never,” he promises.