Chapter 29
LUKE
I’m standing off to the side of the room with Lily when several heads turn toward the entrance. I curse under my breath, looking at the woman of my dreams, who was mine just a few days ago before I messed everything up.
Jessica draws the attention of every man in the room, and I see several of the eligible bachelors wrapping up their conversations, probably eager to be the first to ask her to dance.
She’s wearing a beautiful gown, and when I realize we match, I’m reminded how fucking stupid I’ve been all over again. Her hair is curled and hanging off one shoulder, and she looks breathtaking.
“She chose that dress with you in mind, you idiot. And I even made sure you had a matching tuxedo! So much for that effort.” Lily scoffs next to me, and it’s probably the hundredth time she’s called me an idiot over the past few days.
Along with Robert, they’ve all decided that I’m a useless man who doesn’t deserve someone like Jessica anyway.
I haven’t told them the real reason I ended things with her, fearing Lily might tell Jessica. I don’t want Jessica to sacrifice anything for me, so it’s better that no one knows the truth, even if it makes me seem like an even bigger asshole.
Lily goes to greet Jessica, and I turn to the bartender, asking for the strongest shot of alcohol he has.
I never drink during the season, only the occasional champagne at the podium, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
I down the shot just as Peter Centimo walks up to Jessica, and I feel like I’m going to be sick all over again.
All week, I’ve been feeling physically ill; I’ve even been performing worse in the gym, unable to push myself the way I usually do.
I feel drained of all my energy, even though I only eat, sleep, and train.
I meet with my agent and the team, but it all feels like a state of limbo, where I’m walking around like a zombie.
When Jessica smiles at Peter and accepts his hand for a dance, I see red.
I know I have no claim on her, but seeing her take his hand, a man I can’t stand, sends raging jealousy through my bones.
Just as I’m about to go over there, Sebastian stops me with a hand on my chest.
“Not so fast there, lover boy. You look like you’re going to murder someone.”
I push against him. Sebastian arrived in Australia yesterday, and I’m grateful to have him by my side.
“Yeah, I might as well do that, maybe it will make me feel something other than absolute shit,” I tell him, and he gently steps in front of me.
Sebastian knows why I broke it off, and even though he also thinks I’m a stupid idiot, he understands why I also want to protect her.
“Dude, hitting him would only push her further away, and even if you can’t be with her the way you want, maybe you’ll eventually have something like a friendship. That opportunity flies out the window if you do something like that.”
I take a deep breath, trying to ease the jealousy burning inside me.
Thankfully, Jessica quickly excuses herself from Peter’s arms and slips out of the room.
I excuse myself from the group I’ve been lingering with and follow her.
I just need to talk to her, if only to ask how she’s doing. It pains me to have her so close but not be able to have her. I catch up to her as she hurries down the corridor.
“Jessica, wait.” She freezes in her spot, and when she turns to look at me, I almost tumble to the ground at the sight of the pain in her eyes.
The sadness in her eyes mirrors my own.
Her eyes have always been one of my favourite features about her, and right now, I feel terrible knowing I’m the one causing her pain.
“What do you want?” she asks me, and I sigh, seeing her so devastated. Knowing I can’t bring us out of this misery, even though I would like nothing more. It’s obvious that we’re both miserable, and I don’t even understand why I chased after her initially.
I couldn’t control myself.
I just had to talk to her, although it hurts.
This is painful in every way.
“How are you doing?” I ask with a gentle tone, and she scoffs at me.
“You don’t get to ask me that. You made it clear you don’t want me in your life, so I’d prefer if you stayed out of mine.” Her tone has more of a bite to it now, and I’m grateful.
It’s easier if she hates me.
Seeing the fire in her eyes also means she still cares; she’s hurt, and part of me is glad that we’re in this pain together in some way.
And seeing her riled up has always been one of my favourite things about her.
“Didn’t take you long to move on to the next big driver in the paddock,” I toss back at her, making her even more furious.
Even though I really shouldn’t light up her temper, I can’t control myself, and seeing her reaction is the closest thing I’ve felt to alive since I broke up with her.
She takes a deliberate step toward me.
“You men and your fucking egos. To your information, which you don’t even deserve, it would be impolite to turn down a dance with him, and I only did it because I know I’ll be seeing him for work and didn’t want to bruise his ego,” She spits at me, and I feel even more like an asshole.
She’s entitled to dance with whoever she wants to; I just wish it were me.
It was supposed to be me.
And now I feel even worse.
Knowing I’m the one causing her pain, and putting salt into our wounds by chasing her down, riling her up, and not being able to make things right again.
“I’m sorry, Jessica, for everything. I wish things were different,” I tell her, and I feel drained all over again.
Seeing her, talking to her, and smelling her brings back all the good memories and moments we shared.
I try to remember that I’m doing this for her.
I want her to have every dream come true, without my name or fame getting in the way.
I’d never forgive myself if she gave up opportunities because of her relationship with me or if chances were ripped away from her.
“Yeah, I’m sorry as well that you’re a fucking coward,” Jessica says, and even though it crushes me, I turn around and walk away, while it feels like I’m leaving part of myself in that corridor.