131. Confession Time
CONFESSION TIME
LIVY
In the morning, I receive a voicemail while I’m in the shower.
“Miss Morgan. This is Cynthia at Natomas Hills. Mr. Ranger has indicated he does not want any visitors this week. He asked me to call you and his other emergency contact to let you know his decision. This isn’t uncommon.” She tacks on the last part quietly as if she’s apologizing.
I dial his other emergency contact.
“Livy?”
“Exton? Did you talk to the rehab center?”
“I did. How’re you holding up?”
I’d like to say there’s a hitch in my voice, but that’s an understatement. “I’m disappointed. So disappointed. I’m also afraid, though that’s the wrong word.”
“Why?”
“Because I think his denial means it’s harder than he expected.”
“Probably.”
“Um…” What do I say to that?
“Layton is gifted and Layton is a natural, but he’s willing to work too. He’s a fighter,” he says plainly.
“Right.”
“He didn’t quit. He didn’t check himself out. And he told us what he needed. You might argue, but all of that is better than a week ago or a month ago.”
“Dang it. Are you always this calm and wise?”
“No.” This comes from the background. “Don’t feed the ego. Please, Livy.”
“Of course, I am,” Exton says.
“You tamed the beast. Thanks.”
“See you tomorrow,” Willa calls from somewhere behind phone.
“I can’t wait. Have a great night.”
We disconnect, and I pace a bit.
Me: I miss you. Can you chat?
Bean: Is after work okay? How’s your week?
Me: Sure. Call anytime. My week’s been interesting.
Bean: There’s a story there.
Me: Oh yeah.
I finally bail on the sofa with a book and a blanket but end up texting Layton.
Day 8
Me: I’m guessing things suck. I hate it for you and wish I could fix it.
Me: If I were there, I’d tell you I was proud of you doing the hard things.
Me: If you were here, I’d want you to spoon me.
Me: How do you feel about spoon sex?
Something in that text trips my memory from grad school. What if it’s chemical and not physical? What if Layton isn’t impotent, but…
I flip to my browser, and a quick search shows what it’s taken me too long to piece together… namely, that oxy can cause erectile dysfunction in one percent of men.
One percent.
Me: Do you have to be an overachiever in everything?
Night 8
Me: I can’t wait for you to be home. I’m over your side of the bed being cold. I’m over showers alone. I bawled my eyes out today that you didn’t want to see me. Us. They’re very clear it’s us. It just feels so… personal.
Night 9
Me: Is it wrong for me to wish Kimpton would make his debut just so I could see you? I’m not heartless – he’s fully developed, and there’s no danger. It would force your hand. I miss you. I love you.
Night 10
Me: Sabine is coming to Texas this weekend. No stripper shoes or restraining orders necessary.
Me: Confession: That night at the club. I wanted your hands on me.
Me: Someone renamed your group text “Team Takedown.” What’s that about?
Night 11
Me: Tell me a secret, Layton. Mine is I miss you whispering in my ear. I miss the feel of your beard on my skin. I miss your cock inside me.
Night 12
Me: Colt asked about Unca Lay tonight. He says he misses you.
Luna is worse, probably. Sweet girl goes to your room every day at Pop’s, according to him.
You owe her some snuggles when you’re out.
You owe me some too. I need you to hold me as I cry about all this…
This loss and pain, the hell you’ve been through—that we’ve been through.
Night 13
Me: Sarah says PT is going well. She doesn’t say much else when I ask. I don’t know what to adjust without the feedback. And it’s not like she doesn’t know. She’s been doing this two decades longer than I have. But it’s like you iced me out. I feel out of the loop. I wish you had your phone.
Night 14
Me: Do I get to see you tomorrow? Don’t answer that. I can hope for it tonight. It’s been a long two weeks.
Me: Please don’t stand me up again. This is hard for me too. Not physically, but… Can you imagine quitting your job? Moving across the country? Finding your person, only to lose him?
My pain has ratcheted up since he left. It’s not like I’m not used to it. I am. I just have less going on to keep my mind off it. Tomorrow I need a plan for getting my schedule on track.
Night 15
Me: I’m pissed. Not at you. Well, I am a little bit, and I wish I could be even more so. Again? Are you shutting us out? I wish I knew how to help.
Me: Brighton gave me the keys to your car here, and I took it to get Bean. She’s here and says if this is Texas, she’d give it a go. I wish! Know anybody who needs a perfect woman with only a little trauma and a handful of bad habits? She comes with a fabulous bestie.
Night 16
Me: Kyle discovered the lake today. What’s with all the blackbirds? It’s like an Alfred Hitchcock movie or something. I have a video of him chasing them for you when you’re ready.
Me: I was alone for a long time. And it wasn’t a problem for me. I liked it actually. But you messed that all up with your charisma and charm. You made me feel special, and now I’m alone, and it’s different.
Night 17
Me: I miss you. You’re starting to feel like a memory again. This many days of radio silence reminds me of… then. Come home soon.
Night 18
Me: Willa went into false labor today. I spent half the day at the hospital in case. I brought them a meal, though she’s adamant the baby won’t make room, even for fruit. He’s probably exactly like his namesake. And just as stubborn as him. You are, too, you know…
Night 19
Me: I miss you. This is harder than I thought it would be. Not being a Debbie Downer, but last time we went this long… It’s hard. That’s all. I hope you had a great day and found rays of sunshine around every corner.
Me: Bean went home today. Austin traffic is atrocious, by the way. Are they trying to medal in Worst Traffic in the Country? If so, they get the Silver. It’s neck and neck with Atlanta. And I grew up in Boston!
Night 20
Me: I don’t know about the mental stuff, but from what I’ve researched, the physical-slash-chemical addiction should be almost out of your system. Nearly three weeks. Is that true?
Me: This house is great, but it’s not a home without you.
Not trying to be a sap. But it’s been too long.
Kyle has decided he’s the king of the castle and might as well not even remember Florida.
Aside from the word “beach” which is the lake, I don’t see anything to make me worry that my Kyle doesn’t love it here.
He may need his own sofa. Otherwise, we’ll be unable to sit without him.
Me: Knowing him, he’ll want us to sit with him on his sofa or try to curl up to be as close as possible. His wound is healed. Bright did a sonogram on the area with the high-tech equipment at the barn. You’ll be pleased to know he’s not pregnant.
Night 21
Me: I’m prepping myself that you won’t be ready tomorrow. Do I remember correctly that you can have your phone soon? I wonder if you want it. You might be enjoying the solitude. Do you miss us?
Me: George called me today. That creeper Gerald Tustin was arrested for stalking a woman. It pinged on some Google alert because the brief news article mentioned his arrest after our altercation. That feels like forever ago, doesn’t it?
Night 22
Me: Confession time… I drove to Natomas Hills and talked to the manager there. Three weeks, Layton. It’s been three weeks with no word except that you aren’t ready to see me. Us. They said ‘anyone,’ but... I’m angry and I’m tired of my own whining. I’ll stop now. Do the work. Come home.
Night 23
Me: It crossed my mind today as I was walking Kyle that we haven’t ever had a life together, much less one that wasn’t steeped in drama.
The club brawl. The hidden affair. (Did I ever tell you how much I enjoyed our time together?) Then here and family stuff.
And now this… What if you don’t like the boring life we might have when all the drama is over?
Night 24
Me: Would you believe me if I tell you that Kyle is a Jeep dog?
Brighton and I took her car out. She took off all the doors and the top.
We made a harness with the back seat belts for Kyle.
Goggles on and jowls flapping, he had a blast. He wouldn’t leave the back seat when we got back to the ranch.
I coaxed him out, and later, when we couldn’t find him, there he was, plopped in the back seat as if it were his personal chariot. Houston, we have a problem.
Day 25
Me: Willa’s in labor! I repeat, Willa’s in labor! See you soon!
I jump into Layton’s SUV before running back into the house.
I tear through the bathroom, brushing my hair and scrubbing my teeth.
I change clothes three different times and finally settle on my most casual non-workout gear.
Two coats of mascara and a pale pink lip gloss later, I’m back in the car and rolling south.
The problem is I don’t know where the hell I’m going.
Or how to get there.
I call the calmest person I know.
“Pop?”
“Hey, sweetie.”
“I don’t know where to go. And I don’t know how to get there. And I don’t know where that is from Layton. Has he been told?” I may have taken a breath in there, but it didn’t work.
He laughs through the line. “First, do you have Kyle with you?”
“No.”
“Turn around and go get him. Bring him here.”
“Why?”
“Because first labor isn’t like in the movies. It takes a while. And you’ll worry… He can be here with Sola and Luna and the horses. We have staff.”
“Okay.”
“Turn around. You won’t miss anything, I promise.”
“And then what?”
“Can I tell you something? Each of my kids found the perfect partner. And not one of them is alike. Willa is artsy and creative. She colors outside the lines. Hell, I bet she doesn’t know what lines are.
And I’m sure you’re learning that Exton is all lines.
He’s not bouncing off those borders. He’s playing within them. ”
“I noticed that.”
“Layton is calm, cool, and collected. He’s also always been on the outside a bit.”
“Really? He seems to move in that circle so easily.”
“Oh, he fits. You’re right about that. But he never rushes. Things happen when he arrives; he doesn’t arrive so things can happen.”
I pause, trying to get my brain around that.
“And?”
“And are you home yet?”
“Just pulling up.”
“Keep me in your car. I’ll be right here. Go get your boy.”
“Scarecrow, I think I love you most of all,” I whisper and run for the door. “Kyle, come on. Let’s go to Pop’s.”
It isn’t a minute later that I’m back in the driver’s seat.
“Okay. I’m back. Now what?”
“Head our way.”
“You don’t have to tell me twice.”
“I’m going to make a phone call and dial you right back, okay?”
My knee is bouncing. “What’s the speed limit on this road?”
“Slower than you’re going, probably. You won’t miss it. You won’t miss him. Be safe coming.” He disconnects, and I look in the rearview. “Pop says you can stay with the horses. And Luna and Sola.”
Kyle’s tail starts whipping, and I worry about the glass in Layton’s windows. Note to self: don’t mention anything like that inside the SUV.
The phone rings, and Willa’s name flashes on the screen.
“Hey.”
She growls in return. “Do you have some ideas on ways to reduce the pain I’m feeling?”
“Not the baby exiting part, but the muscle part? Maybe.”
“Tell me all the things. Better yet, can you come over?”
“Are you not on your way to the hospital?”
“My contractions aren’t close enough together for that.
It’s such bullshit. Seriously… they want me to suffer longer here with no drugs and then suffer there, too.
This whole thing is messed up.” Her voice drops.
“No more sex for you.” One huge inhale and exhale later, she continues, “That wasn’t for you. ”
“God, I hope not!”
“Can you come?”
“Sure. I need to drop Kyle off at Pop’s first, unless you want a beast trying to help.”
She yelps in pain, and I stomp on the gas. “I’ll do whichever you want.”
“Drop him off, and then head our way. In the meantime, aside from breathing crap, what should I do?”
“Breathing first and foremost.” I walk her through some techniques. “Second, find any position that gives you relief. I need fifteen minutes.”
“Don’t get all chatty with Pop. I love that man… More than my own dad, for sure. But I need you.”
I haven’t felt this loved in a long, long time.
“I won’t. And fifteen minutes or less… I say that because sex would be the best thing you could do for your muscles right now.”
“Oh, hell no.”
I laugh under my breath. “Okay then… So it’s painful but not so much that it’s worth some relief?”
“Dammit, Livy. Okay… Make it twenty minutes then.” She clicks off, but I can hear Exton say “What did she say?” before it disconnects.
I bought myself some time with that. And since I’m nearly that far from the ranch, I’m patting myself on the back. I have time. I don’t need to rush. I’m not going to miss Layton.
I’m excited about Kimpton’s arrival, but I get to see Layton today.
Finally!