Chapter 37
Willow
Camping
Talking to Spencer
Concert
“It’s not my fault,” Zoe said, stepping back from the tent we’d spent the last forty-five minutes figuring out how to erect. Hollis swatted at a bug on her arm and gave Zoe dramatic side-eye.
“You said you wanted a re-do on your first concert. How was I supposed to know the Pius Boys wasn’t a cool local band?” Zoe said she had a surprise when she picked us up from the airport—she’d found a concert for us to go to, and it was free.
I wiped my hands on my jeans and fell into a camping chair. “And nothing about the flyer made you question why it was free?”
“In retrospect, there were clues.” Zoe toyed with the zipper on the tent and then joined Hollis and me by the fire. “But even though it was the St. Pius X Catholic middle school boys choir, it was technically still a concert.”
“And, they kind of rocked,” Hollis added.
I laughed and held out my jazz hands, even though my arms were exhausted from hauling gear and then putting the tent up. “I declare it counts,” I admitted. “Another re-do in the books!”
Zoe’s eyes flashed, and a Cheshire grin spread across her lips. Hollis gave a wolf whistle.
Zoe fell into one of the camping chairs we’d rented, crossing one leg over the other with the glow of the fire flickering across her soft features. “Now for page two!”
Hollis took the chair on the other side of me. She and Zoe had gotten along immediately. “Ooh, the sexy part of the list! Good to have Deacon on hand for that!”
I opened the bag of marshmallows. “I was against the idea at first, but I’m really glad Cruz asked him to check on me.”
Zoe grinned. “And you’re getting that D regularly now, right?”
I threw a marshmallow at her, which bounced from her chest into her lap where she plucked it, popping it in her mouth. “Is that a yes?” she asked through a mouth full of marshmallow, and I threw another one at her.
“A lady never tells,” I said, arranging a stack of sticky, sugary goodness on the metal skewers.
I liked mine lightly browned, Zoe preferred hers blackened to a crisp, but we could both agree that adding a peanut butter cup to the top instead of just chocolate was next-level, despite Hollis’s protestations about being a purist.
“You told me about the list, and anyone with twenty percent of their vision could see you two are hot for each other,” Hollis said. “But you really like him?”
I shrugged, finding a good spot to rest my skewer and rotating it slowly to get an even brown.
My face was probably hot because of the fire.
Of course I really liked him. No one had ever made me feel like he did, like he’d catch me when I leaped into the air, but maybe more important, he made me feel like I could make the leap in the first place.
Deacon, with his dirty jokes and blatant flirting and his big questions, helped me realize I could ask for more in life for myself than just being ready for a new relationship.
I wasn’t sure he was the kind of guy you could just like—he was the kind of guy you had to fall head over heels for, and I desperately wanted my heels to remain on the ground. “Liking him is a bad idea.”
“Someone’s in denial,” Hollis said in a singsong voice.
“Big denial,” Zoe agreed. “But that’s okay.
You can pretend you’re not head over heels for this guy.
As long as you’re getting over the Drip, I’m happy.
” She popped another marshmallow in her mouth.
“Hollis, imagine someone as dull as watching paint dry but also the paint is bad in bed and very comfortable with you giving up your dreams so you can support him.”
Hollis held out her skewer to get a marshmallow from Zoe. “Willow, your ex actually sounds like the worst. Why were you with him so long?”
“He wasn’t that bad,” I said, checking my skewer again and deciding I wanted them just a touch browner.
“He was usually kind, and sometimes he could be funny. He cared about me.” I’d spent so long lamenting how Spencer left me, but now I felt like I couldn’t think of more words to describe his personality.
All the good things, all the things I loved, felt like smoke in my fingers, and I couldn’t hold on to them except for one. “He was there for me.”
Hollis eyed me skeptically and pointed her skewer in my direction, then tapped her fresh marshmallows against mine. It was by an unspoken agreement that we were having s’mores for dinner. “Like he was your only option? No way.”
I chuckled. “I mean, I thought he was the only guy.” In middle school and high school, I felt like I was so lucky that I had a boyfriend who was into me.
Now that I’d been in front of Deacon, feeling his gaze on me, his lips on mine, all of that felt special in a new way.
When Deacon touched me, I felt like it was because I was touchable.
When he looked at me, I felt like I was someone who deserved the attention.
I knew I just hoped that feeling stuck when he wasn’t looking anymore.
“But that’s not what I meant. I think I stayed with Spencer so long because he was steady. I felt like enough for him.”
“Reliability is something,” Zoe said begrudgingly. “Not enough. But something.”
I lifted one shoulder. “It was all I thought I needed,” I said, noticing Zoe straightening. I hurried to cut her off. “But I know I want more now.”
“You want someone who’s there, but also…” Zoe plowed forward and waved in front of her lap. “But also here.”
“And here,” Hollis said, waving in front of her boobs.
I laughed, covering my mouth to stop the s’more from flying from my lips. Our laughter felt like some kind of cocoon in our clearing along with the warmth of the fire. It felt so good to be here sharing my feelings with my friends. I pointed to my mouth. “And here.”
The others whooped and cheered, and I felt heat rise on my cheeks, especially proud to have surprised them a little.
“That’s a re-do I can get behind,” Zoe said.
“Same. Not sure you’ll get much mouth action in the woods, though,” Hollis said. “I’m spoken for.”
“And I’d ruin you for anyone else,” Zoe added. “Plus you’re a big fan of equipment we just don’t have.”
I shook my head and opened the graham crackers. “Camping is on my re-do list.” The peanut butter cup was a little melted from being near the fire, and I eased it onto the cracker, licking the melted chocolate from my fingers.
“Okay. Why is that? You had kind of mid sex with the ex in the woods?” Hollis held out her hand for a wrapped peanut butter cup, and I tossed one to her, more gently than I did the marshmallows.
I chuckled. “No.” I pressed my s’more together, the middle squishing satisfyingly between the graham crackers.
Spencer and I had never gone camping—he didn’t really like the idea of sleeping outside and using campground bathrooms. He hated smelling like smoke from the fire.
As I thought about it, I inhaled the scents of the fire and the woods. “We never camped.”
“So, why re-do it?”
“I was actually camping with my family. It was right before my parents decided to divorce, and they thought it would be good for us to get out of town and spend time together as a family. Cruz was already in the Air Force, so just me and them.” I couldn’t even remember what the argument was about, but they went from sniping at each other, to hurling barbs back and forth when they thought I had my headphones on, to just being cruel to each other.
I didn’t remember what they said, but the way they sounded—so angry, so injured, so full of regrets—did stay with me.
“They were fighting a lot, and I snuck off to sit by the lake.”
“And Spencer was there? Probably wearing khakis, loafers, and an oxford shirt?” Zoe asked, her grin crooked, and I appreciated the attempt to keep the story light.
I shook my head with a smile. “We were already friends, and I needed someone to talk to.” I remembered the feel of my heart pounding in my chest, of how nervous I’d been to text him.
We were friends, but I had a huge crush on him.
Still, if I didn’t talk to someone, I’d just focus on my parents and their issues.
“He replied to my text, and then we talked on the phone for a couple hours.”
“That’s kind of sweet,” Hollis said, before taking a bite of her s’more. “He was there for you.”
“My flabbers are gasted. Do I need to have a new respect for the Drip?” Zoe motioned with her skewer and the overcooked marshmallow fell off the tip and into the dirt.
“You’re never going to get to eat any of your marshmallows,” I said, motioning to the bag next to her.
“Who cares? More. What happened next?”
I laughed and took another bite of my treat.
“We talked for a long time, and he made me feel better.” I remembered staring at the stars as we spoke, and it felt meaningful.
“He asked me if I was okay before we said good night. If I needed him to call me the next day. I said no, but he did, anyway.” He’d called me a few times a day for the three days we were in the woods.
“He really always was kind of like that.”
“He was there,” Hollis said, sitting back in her chair. “Okay. I get it a little.”
Zoe clapped, the skewer still in her hand. “Fine. He isn’t all bad, but to be clear, he still wasn’t here for you, though, right?” She spread her thighs and pointed between them.
I laughed and took a bite of a peanut butter cup to avoid answering.
She dropped her hands. “Boo!”
“He said the idea kind of grossed him out.”
“Drip strikes again. What a tool.”
Hollis was proving to be the more measured friend tonight. “I mean, everyone has their own sexual green lights and red lights, right? He didn’t expect you to go down, did he?”
I winced.
Zoe clapped again. “My assessment stands. Tool.”