Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
I woke up yet again with the sheets stuck to my sweaty body. Groaning, I rolled over to look at the time on my alarm clock.
Three-twenty a.m.
My head fell back against my pillow as I stared up at the ceiling. These few weeks were going to feel like a few months if I couldn’t figure out a better sleep schedule. Another dream had woken me up. Once again, Michael and I hadn’t gotten to wherever we were supposed to be going.
Maybe that was the point of these dreams. To remind me that we would never get anywhere together, ever again.
I squeezed my eyes shut and begged my body to drift back to sleep, but it was pointless.
Leaving my bed behind, I jumped in the shower to rinse off before putting on a fresh sweatshirt and a pair of leggings. The door of my suite summoned me. The thought of stepping outside the room filled me with a mix of nerves and anticipation.
After our conversation outside today, Eli had told me that he’d likely be up again tonight, if I needed company. Then we had gone back inside and spent the rest of the night talking to the group, or being pulled aside for interviews. Unfortunately, Sofia kept the drama high. She kept throwing Eli heated looks, or telling me he’d just break my heart and that we were a mess together. Eli had watched me worriedly while she droned on, but little did he know she wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t already told myself. But the thought of seeing him right now still excited me in ways I didn’t want to process.
I stepped into the hallway. He wasn’t there—of course he wasn’t—but I wasn’t quite sure where to find him, either. I walked quietly down the hall, toward the kitchen. I saw and heard no signs of life. Maybe he wasn’t even awake. Maybe he had exaggerated when he’d said he couldn’t sleep every night.
When I turned the corner that led to the small sitting area in front of the kitchen, however, I found him lounging on a small sofa, feet up on a footstool and staring out the window. Moonlight illuminated his face, casting a subtle glow across his features.
I cleared my throat so I wouldn’t startle him.
He looked over at me. “I was hoping I might see you,” he said, patting the seat next to his.
I sank in beside him, just close enough that I could smell whatever intoxicating cologne or shampoo he used.
“You were hoping I’d have another nightmare and not be able to sleep?” I teased.
He dipped his head, smiling. “I was hoping to have some company, the rest is just an unfortunate side effect.”
“How long have you been out here?” I asked, curling my feet underneath me.
“Maybe an hour. I tried to sleep, but it just feels like a nap and then I’m wide awake.”
We sat there, watching the moon for a while. It looked so peaceful out there—nothing like the lights and bustle I saw outside my own window in Chicago. But this serene setting wasn’t doing anything to lull me to sleep right now. Eli’s proximity had my pulse elevated and my stomach fluttering. I hadn’t felt like this since high school when I’d met Michael. The feeling was kind of addictive, if I was being honest with myself.
Eli blew out a breath. “We should probably talk about that game today,” he finally said.
The fluttering in my stomach only increased. “What about it?” I tried to sound casual, like I didn’t even know why he might want to have the conversation.
“Our answers were a bit...different.” He eyed me, trying to gauge my reaction.
“I guess so.”
He leaned forward as if trying to draw the words out of me. “And that didn’t make you feel any certain way?”
“Not really,” I lied.
“Calla,” he said in a stern voice that I wished I didn’t like as much as I did.
“Fine,” I relented, playing with the checkered fabric of the pillow on the couch. “Maybe I found your answers a little...overwhelming.” There. That felt like a safe word choice.
A frown creased his forehead. “Overwhelming? How?”
“Do we really have to talk about this?” I closed my eyes in embarrassment.
“Yes,” he said simply.
“Fine,” I huffed. “It’s just you obviously have a lot more experience than I do. I already knew that we were pretty different and today just confirmed it.”
He let out a frustrated sigh. “I have more experience in all the ways that don’t matter. You have more experience in all the ways that do.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Love. Commitment. I don’t know anything about it.”
“Yeah, that kind of took me by surprise too,” I said. Because if Eli had managed to go all this time without falling in love, there was no way someone like me was going to be the exception.
“I know what you’re thinking,” he challenged me.
“What?” I asked, ensuring my expression remained neutral.
“You’re thinking that I’m incapable of love, or that I can’t handle a committed relationship.”
“I mean...” I let my words trail off, unsure of what to say.
“The truth is, I’ve never bothered to try. You saw Sofia back there. That’s the kind of person I deal with every day. The kind who only wants to talk to me because they think I can offer them something. That they’ll get ahead from the publicity, or I’ll introduce them to my father. They never actually want to get to know me.”
“That can’t be true,” I said, and I meant it. One look into his earnest eyes and he had me wanting to open up more than anyone had in years. There was no way he didn’t have this effect on everyone he met.
“I remember the first time I had a crush on a woman—like, so monumental I thought we would for sure be something great. I was eighteen and had been cast in this action movie that was supposed to propel me into more mature roles. I had tried to get out of the contract on multiple occasions, but as soon as I met her, that all changed. She was just a director’s assistant on set, but I didn’t give a shit about that. I looked forward to seeing her every day. I finally asked her out, and we had a fun fling for a couple of weeks. I was convinced it would turn into more.” He laughed bitterly and his jaw ticked.
“What happened?” I asked when he didn’t continue.
“I was still living at my dad’s at the time. I woke up one morning to find her giggling with his hand on her ass.”
I winced. “That’s awful.”
“That’s my life. I’ll always come second to him in everyone’s mind, and recently I’ve let it get the best of me. I’ve just been fucking around because it pissed him off, and anything that pisses him off makes me happy. But that hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Now no one will ever see me as anything other than a joke.”
“That isn’t true.” My heart ached seeing the pain etched on his face.
Eli’s eyes darkened when he looked at me. “It is true. And my past has never hurt me more than it did today. When I showed my answers and saw the look on your face, it killed me. I’d never felt like such a loser.”
“I can promise you, any reaction I had wasn’t because I was judging you. I was just...” I paused. “Concerned about the discrepancies between us, is all.”
He flinched.
“And you’re so much more than some philandering former actor,” I added hurriedly. “I’ve known that since our first conversation. Maybe you did build up this reputation, but you can change it. Especially if it’s not who you really are.”
Eli fidgeted and started to bounce his knee up and down. “I’d like to say it’s not who I really am, but what kind of bullshit excuse is that? I made those decisions and it wasn’t like I wasn’t enjoying myself.” He glanced up at me, his eyes searching mine. “I’m worried that someone who doesn’t know everything about me might bolt the second we get out of here, once she Googles me and realizes I’m actually a piece of trash.”
“Eli,” I scolded sharply. “Don’t say that about yourself. I will never judge you.”
He sighed as if he didn’t believe me. “Just talking to you makes me judge myself. You’re so much better than me.”
“No, I’m really not,” I insisted. “Say what you will about your past, but at least you’ve embraced life head-on, experiencing it fully. I’ve been on the sidelines for as long as I can remember. That in no way makes me better.” My breath caught in my throat when his knee brushed mine and I remembered just how close we were right now.
“Your answers scared me,” Eli said.
“Why?” It was hard to imagine anything I said having that effect on him.
He shifted in his seat so that he was even closer to me. “You were so deeply in love—like, the kind of love a lot of people don’t even get to experience once in their lifetimes. I came in here talking this big game and insisting we had a connection. But I know...I know I could never measure up to him. I’m pathetic for even thinking I had a shot.”
“That isn’t true,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around my legs and staring outside. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel the overwhelming flood of emotions I was expecting at his words.
Eli remained silent, letting me process the internal battle that I’m sure was written all over my face. I wasn’t quite sure what to say next, but one thing was clear. I’d have to share more of myself if I wanted him to have any shot at understanding me. I inhaled deeply, and began to speak.
“I met Michael when we were just eighteen and about to graduate high school. I mean, I had noticed him before then; I had admired him from afar for years. But we didn’t actually start talking until we were seniors and sitting next to each other in English class.
“He played soccer and ran for student government. He was one of those guys who was good at everything they tried. But he was also the nicest guy you could imagine. He talked to everyone in school, not just the popular crowd, or the jocks. He had this glow around him wherever he went. When he turned it on me, there was no hope. I couldn’t help falling for it.” My chest filled with emotion as I thought back on it all. “We fell hard and fast, but we said we wouldn’t stay together during college, so that we could branch out. But then Michael showed up at my dorm one Friday night, early that first year, and told me I was the love of his life and he couldn’t just let me go.” My eyes filled with tears at the memory I had suppressed for years. It was too hard to think about the magic of those early days now that I was the only one here to remember them.
“Everything changed after that. We became inseparable. We dated all through college and then, after graduation, we stayed in Chicago. We went through all the motions of the perfect couple—moving in together, getting engaged. Sometimes it felt like he was the only person in the world who would ever really know me.”
Eli sat motionless, staring at me and listening intently.
“But now that he’s gone, I realize what a problem that was. He was my whole world. I’d always been an introvert, and I was grateful that he never forced me outside of my bubble. But now that he’s gone, I’m so painfully alone. And I’m not even sure how to connect with anyone. Before, all I needed was him. He met new friends and introduced me to them. If he wanted to travel but I was too nervous, he’d just say that he didn’t want to push me, and he’d go with someone else. When I insisted that I needed to be alone to write, he never encouraged me to get out and see more things, to get inspiration.” I exhaled shakily. “And I loved him for all that. For letting me be me and not pushing me.
“Now, though...now I kind of wish I had pushed myself more. I never found myself after I got lost in him, so now that he’s gone, I’m just... lost.”
Eli kept all of his focus trained on me.
I laughed sadly. “That probably doesn’t make any sense.”
“It makes perfect sense,” he said, “Calla, I…” But he didn’t continue his thought. Instead, he moved closer to me until his face was only inches from mine.
The sudden proximity had my heart pounding. His lips were so close I could just reach out and kiss them.
But I hadn’t kissed anyone since Michael. I wasn’t even sure I remembered how.
Eli’s gaze dropped to my lips and I tried not to let myself get distracted by how good he smelled.
Right before I thought I would surely combust from the heat of his stare, I jumped up and took a step back. “I should probably get to bed.”
Eli rose too, and took a tentative step toward me. “Calla?—”
“Sorry, I’m really tired all of a sudden.” My unsteady voice completely betrayed me, but I didn’t care. I was freaking out and I needed space. Now.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said before walking down the hall. Well, more like an awkward jog-walk.
As soon as I was safely in my room I fell back onto my bed and groaned, holding my face in my hands.
He had been on the brink of kissing me, I could tell. It was the most intimate conversation I’d had with anyone in what felt like an eternity. And he wasn’t even uncomfortable that I’d overshared. No, instead he had wanted to get even closer to me. By kissing me. And what did I do? I bolted. That seemed to be a pattern for me on this show.
I willed my spiraling mind to calm down.
Even though Eli gave me butterflies, and even though every word that came out of his mouth dripped sincerity, I still needed to be careful. I couldn’t deal with having my heart broken the first time I put myself back out there.
And, let’s be real. Eli was the perfect candidate to completely shatter me into a million pieces.