Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
“Alright, everyone. Only two days until we have to film the finale. Today will be a lot of talking and interviews,” Shay said in a matter-of-fact voice.
“It’ll be fun!” Brady exclaimed. “Today is couples counseling.”
Grant scoffed. “That doesn’t sound fun.”
We all sat around the dining table, waiting for our orders for the day. They had picked us up from our campsites early—too early. The perfect bubble Eli and I had created last night burst as soon as they called our names from outside our tents at six a.m. We had stayed up all night talking—and doing other things I was eternally grateful would not be appearing on people’s television screens. But even though our haven was no more, Eli still sat next to me, smiling down at me every few seconds as his hand firmly gripped my knee.
“We have a licensed counselor coming in. She’ll be asking you questions and helping you prepare for what comes after this,” Brady continued .
“So, get your vocal cords warmed up. You’re going to be doing a lot of blabbering today,” Shay added.
This licensed counseling session was likely just another opportunity to stir up drama, which really was unfortunate. It seemed everyone had come back from yesterday’s camping session with a certain glow about them. Trace’s face was still flushed and she couldn’t stop giggling. Rachel and Arnie stole glances at each other every chance they got. Grant and Sofia were the exception, of course. They had waltzed in this morning and sat on opposite sides of the table. I’m sure the next forty-eight hours couldn’t go by fast enough for them.
“What are you thinking?” Eli whispered.
“I was wondering whether Grant and Sofia are going to kill each other today.”
He tilted his head, considering it. “I wouldn’t put it past her.”
A couple hours later, Eli and I sat across from a woman slightly older than us; maybe late thirties, with slicked-back hair. She wore a gray pencil suit and glasses. She looked almost too much like a counselor. Like the show had specifically outfitted her so that there would be no doubt about her vocation and that America could trust her.
“Calla and Eli, I’m Diana, your counselor,” she started, leaning forward and clasping her hands together. “We’re going to be diving into all sorts of questions today, but first I’d love to hear about your journey so far.”
A light tension hung in the air and it was obvious that Eli and I were both on edge. While no camera operators or producers were in the room with us, we knew everything we said would likely wind up on TV.
“Well, when we first got here, Calla didn’t want to give me the time of day,” Eli said .
“That’s not true!” I turned to face him. “We talked that first day.”
“And I distinctly remember you couldn’t get away from me fast enough.”
“That was before I knew you,” I said.
“And then you insisted on denying feeling any connection between the two of us, and you chose Arnie as your partner for that second challenge.” The playfulness in his voice made it hard for me to keep from grinning like an idiot.
“Hey, I had my process. It all worked out in the end.”
He chuckled and nudged my knee with his.
“So, if I’m hearing this correctly, it took a minute for you to dive into this relationship. Is that right, Calla?” Diana asked.
My skin bristled at the word, “relationship.” While what Eli and I had felt so intense, we hadn’t actually discussed what we were. Labels had been the furthest thing from our minds last night.
“Um, I guess so. I was scared of getting hurt,” I admitted.
“Because of your past,” she pressed.
Eli’s hand found my leg and he gave it a gentle squeeze. These questions still bugged me. I didn’t want to cheapen what Michael and I had by using it as a storyline for this show. But now I felt a lot more confident in my choices.
“I had gone through something a couple of years ago?—”
“The tragic passing of your fiancé,” she confirmed.
“Right,” I said stiffly. But I knew if I gave in and answered this question, we had a better chance of moving on quickly. Anytime I resisted talking about Michael, they always upped the intensity of their interrogation techniques. “That was the hardest moment of my life. I wasn’t sure how to move on from it. I still don’t have all the answers, but meeting Eli made me realize I’m finally ready to be open again. ”
Glancing up, I found him staring intently at me.
“Eli, how does that make you feel?”
“Like the luckiest guy in the world,” he breathed.
“What is it about Calla that makes you so sure?”
He didn’t waver as he spoke. “She’s genuine. She heard all the crappy rumors surrounding my life but still just wanted to know the real me. She’s never once judged me. I feel safe with her.”
“I feel safe with you, too,” I murmured. We stared at each other for a few moments before Diana shifted in her seat. I had almost forgotten she was in the room.
“That’s fantastic. I’m so thrilled you two have worked on yourselves and forged a real connection during this process.” She wrote down a few notes in her leather-bound notebook. “But now I’d like to go into what’s next. Let’s talk about your future.”
My stomach did a little flip. Now? We had to discuss our future now, in front of this stranger? We’d barely talked about it ourselves.
“Eli, you live in LA. Calla, you’re in Chicago. How will you nurture a long-distance relationship?”
“I’m not really interested in a long-distance relationship,” Eli said. My heart pounded at how easily he delivered those words.
“You a-aren’t,” I stuttered.
His eyes widened. “No, not like that. I just meant that I’m not interested in being separated.” He turned so he could face me fully. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I want to come out to Chicago after this. I want to see where you live and spend time in your city—your space. I know that trying to get my screenplay made could take me back to LA, but I was hoping, if that happens, you’ll come with me. I know it might not be your scene, but I live only a few miles from the ocean. I think you’d really like it. Plus, I have this balcony I could totally picture you writing on in the mornings.”
I wanted to cry happy tears for once. He had taken so many details into account. He wanted to come to Chicago. He wanted me with him. He’d already thought about how I’d fit into his life.
I couldn’t stop it. The tears were flowing now.
A panicked look took hold of Eli. “What’s wrong? What did I say? Do you not want to come to LA? I swear, it’s not as bad as you might think. I could show you some pretty amazing places.”
A breathy laugh escaped my lips. “No, it’s not that. I just can’t believe you already thought all this through.”
“It’s basically been the only thing on my mind lately.” His lip twitched. “I was kind of hoping I could fly straight to Chicago with you from here. I can have someone ship me some things. But if that’s too much...” His voice trailed off as he studied my expression.
“That sounds like just enough,” I said, and relief flashed across his face.
“Good. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do if you turned me down.”
“Calla, go hang out in the lounge until we’re ready to grab you for an interview. Eli, we need you now,” Shay instructed.
Eli squeezed my hand and planted a quick kiss on my lips.
“I’ll see you later,” I said.
“I can’t wait for the moment when we’re not forcibly removed from each other anymore,” Eli responded.
Shay huffed. “Okay Romeo, let’s move it. ”
My head still buzzed from the conversation we’d just had. I now knew undoubtedly that Eli wanted a future with me. He’d already made so many plans for us. My heart swelled with excitement at thoughts of us strolling my neighborhood together. Or having dinner with my family at our favorite restaurants. Or walking along Lakeshore Drive and just wandering the city together. I couldn’t wait. It felt like I had the whole world in front of me.
And writing. I was eager to get my laptop back and write down all these ideas that had been spinning around in my head. It had been years since I’d last felt this inspired. My next novel was rising to the surface of my mind, dying to get out.
The lounge was empty, except for Arnie sitting in one of the chairs by the expansive windows. I knew Trace and Danny would be in counseling for a while, since they’d walked in after us. Everyone else must be doing interviews. Walking over, I slumped in the seat beside him.
“Can I join you?”
Arnie adjusted his glasses and sat up straighter. “Of course. How did your couple’s counseling go?” He threw air quotes around the words.
“As much as I was dreading it, it actually kind of went amazing. What about you and Rachel?”
“I was also resistant to the idea of opening up to a counselor who probably got licensed solely for the purpose of being on reality TV, but yeah, ours went well too.” He sighed and looked out the window. “I think we might have a future. Which sounds so insane to admit out loud. I still think back to that first day and how nervous I was to be here. I never thought in a million years I might meet my person.”
“Arnie, that’s amazing.”
“It really is,” he said. “After being cheated on, I never thought I’d meet someone. I thought I was unlovable. But Rachel makes me feel worth something. She’s so strong and opinionated and tough. She’s a wonder to be around and I feel so lucky that she wants to be around me, you know?”
I thought about Eli and his electric personality. “I know exactly what you mean.”
“Eli’s lucky to have you. I hope you know that.”
I nodded. “I’m starting to see it. But I’m also really lucky to have him.”
“Who would have thought the two of us would both have someone at the end of all this?”
“I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but thanks for going with your heart and picking Rachel that day. It was the right call for both of us. If you hadn’t done that, I doubt I would have ever forced myself to open up.”
“You deserve love, Calla. I’m glad it worked out.” He laughed. “I was so nervous that day. I thought for sure you’d hate me.”
“I could never hate you.”
We both sat in silence, staring out at the mountains. A breeze flowed through the valley and the grass and trees swayed dramatically in the wind. I hoped Eli and I could come back here one day, just the two of us. We had hardly gotten to explore anything.
“So, you and Eli are going to try for real?”
It was hard not to feel like a giddy schoolgirl talking about a crush. “He’s coming with me back to Chicago after filming is over,” I said.
Arnie whistled. “I’m happy for you. Eli’s been a good friend to me in here. And I know he’d do anything for you.”
I was starting to think he would.
“What about you and Rachel?” I asked .
“She’s got a job dancing in a play for the whole holiday season. Since I work remotely, I’m going to stay with her. Then next year we’ll figure out what we want to do next. I’ve got a really good feeling about it all.”
“I do too.”
Hurried footsteps behind us and the faint sound of a walkie-talkie approached.
“Arnie, we need you for an interview.” An assistant I usually saw lurking behind Shay approached us. Given all of the filming and coordinating of interviews today, it seemed it was all hands on deck.
Arnie waved goodbye. Happiness bubbled to the surface as I realized I hadn’t just fallen for someone in here, I’d also made some lifelong friends. Maybe this show did know what they were doing after all.
Sounds of loud sniffles and a choked sob came from the other side of the room and I whipped around to see Trace flinging herself into a chair by the fireplace, face cradled in her hands. Jumping up, I hurried over to her and set a tentative hand on her shoulder.
She jerked her head up, but her eyes softened when she saw it was me.
“Calla,” she cried. “It was so awful.”
“What happened?” I asked. Trace was the last person I’d expected to see crying over today’s events. She and Danny seemed like this picturesque couple. The prom king and queen of the whole show.
Trace blew her nose loudly into a tissue before attempting to sit up.
“He s-said that he couldn’t pic-picture how I’d fit into his life after the show.” Just those words had her weeping again.
My mouth parted in shock. Danny moved from the corner, being led away for an interview. He looked sullen and he wouldn’t even glance in Trace’s direction.
Patting Trace’s back, I patiently waited for her to calm down so she could talk through whatever had happened in there. After a few minutes she was finally able to take some deep breaths as she wiped her mascara-rimmed eyes.
“Are you okay?” I asked gently.
She leaned her head back against the stone fireplace. “Not really.” She sniffled. “I really thought we had something. I actually...I actually thought that he was the one. I feel so stupid.”
“That’s not stupid.” We had all been thinking the same thing. The way that he looked at her was straight out of a romance novel.
“Apparently it was, because he doesn’t even want to try. He’s done with me.”
“What did he say exactly?” I asked, still in disbelief. “Walk me through it.”
She sighed deeply before blowing her nose again. “She asked what we’d be doing after this, and Danny immediately said he had this big rock-climbing trip planned with his friends. They’re going to film it, or something. I said that I had a few gigs to do in the upcoming months, but that I was hoping to visit him. Then I said that I was hoping that he’d come out to Nashville and see me perform.”
She took a shaky inhale before continuing. “He just got really quiet at first. Then he said that he wasn’t sure how that would work with his trip. That it was going to be months long. I told him that I’d just meet him somewhere along the way. He said that’d be hard.”
“That doesn’t sound like Danny.” I guess maybe the Danny I had come to know in here wasn’t the full picture .
“Then the counselor asked him about his life and all the extreme sports that he’s involved with. She said it all seemed quite dangerous. Danny just shrugged and said he was good at them. He took a lot of precautions. She asked me how I felt about it.” Another choked sob. “I s-said that I hoped he would take a break from some of the riskier activities. It makes me nervous thinking about him risking his life like that all the time.”
My heart sank for her. I would have wanted the same thing.
“That didn’t go over well, I take it?”
She laughed sadly. “Not even a little. His jaw clenched like he was angry or something and he said that he wouldn’t be changing his lifestyle. That it was who he is, and if I wasn’t okay with that, then it was good we were learning that now. I tried to backpedal and say I could work on being okay with it. But he had already completely closed off at that point.
“I feel so stupid,” she cried. “Here I am, picturing a whole future. Him visiting me, me visiting him, us working it out—I thought he really cared about me. I’d never felt that way before. But he doesn’t even want to give me a chance. For every compromise I tried to suggest, he just shut me down. When I said we should split time, he said he doesn’t want to spend any time in Nashville. He-he doesn’t even want to come see me sing.” Her last words were so quiet I barely heard them.
“Trace, I’m so sorry.” I gave her a side hug and squeezed her shoulder before letting go. “None of this makes any sense. He literally looks at you with stars in his eyes.”
“He didn’t look at me like that today,” she whispered. “It was like with every question Diana asked, his eyes grew duller and duller until the light flickered out altogether. By the end he couldn’t even look at me. ”
We sat there in silence for a little while.
“I don’t even know what to say,” I finally said. “I’m just so shocked. He gave you all the signs, Trace.”
She stared ahead, blinking a few times. “I know. I think he did feel something for me, but when it came time to thinking about our real lives, he couldn’t picture it. I’m this frilly, city-girl princess who wants to be a country star. I’d never fit into his world.”
“You would have fit into his world perfectly,” I insisted. “Anyone would be lucky to have you. He’s an absolute idiot for blowing it like this.” Anger simmered inside me as I thought about it. How could he turn on her that easily? This experience might have been short, but hadn’t it still been transformative?
“It’s fine,” Trace whispered. “I’m used to being the one who never gets chosen.”
My heart nearly broke in two at her crestfallen face.
“Trace—”
“Calla, we’re ready for your interview.” Brady hovered behind us. I hadn’t even heard him approach.
Squeezing Trace’s hand, I shot her an apologetic look.
“Go.” She waved her hands. “I’ll be fine. I’m always fine.”
In the interview room, Brady took it upon himself to tousle my hair a bit so it sat the way he wanted it to.
My mood had shifted completely since my couples counseling with Eli. I had been on cloud nine this morning, but it was hard to be happy when I couldn’t get Trace’s heartbroken sobs out of my mind. While getting out of here felt like an absolute dream to me, Trace didn’t have that same perspective. All of her best moments with Danny had happened in here, and now that would be the end of their story. She had fallen for him, and soon it would be over .
“Did your day not go well?” Brady asked, standing next to the camera. “You seem a little sad.”
I straightened my shoulders, ready to power through this. “My day went okay. It was just hard talking to Trace out there.”
Brady pursed his lips. “Seeing her and Danny not work out must be hard. It must make you think about the possibility of you and Eli not working out.”
My cheeks reddened at his suggestion. “No, I’m just sad for Trace. Eli and I have plans once we’re out of here.”
“It doesn’t worry you at all? He comes from a completely different world than you. What if he goes back to his old ways?”
“He won’t,” I said.
“You sound confident.”
“I am.” Because his old ways had never really been the real him to begin with. I knew that with every fiber of my being. Eli was this amazing person, caught up in a world that didn’t fit him. But I fit him.
“So how do you feel about Eli? Are you in love with him?”
It took everything in me not to openly gawk. As if I would utter those words for the first time in a musty closet, with a ring light shining on my face, to a man who wasn’t even Eli.
“We’re falling for each other,” I said instead, something I had already admitted.
As the interview dragged on, however, I thought about that other question. What even was love? Other than my family, I had only said those words to Michael. We had been together so long, it felt like I had always loved him. I could barely remember the falling part.
Eli, on the other hand, sent a thrill straight through me every time he walked into a room. He was the only person I wanted to talk to. When I thought about all the new things I wanted to try or experience, I only thought about doing them with him. My biggest fantasy was simply curling up with him on some sofa we’d picked out together, sharing our writing, in a house we called ours. Did that mean I was in love with him?
I might have said I was falling, but I was pretty certain I had already crash-landed.