Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
“These pages are fantastic, Calla.” My literary agent, Barbara, nodded with approval as she adjusted her glasses. “Ember and Elm is going to flip. Seriously, I can’t believe you pulled half a draft together in less than a month.”
Tracing the edge of my mug, I looked out the window of the small café into the dreary Chicago streets.
“You don’t think it’s too much?” I asked. “With the whole overcoming grief thing? I don’t want it to hit you in the face or be too trite.”
“Not only does it hit you in the face, but it punches you in the gut as well, in the best way possible. People are going to sob over Lucas and Luna’s story. There’s nothing trite about it. It feels raw and real.”
Her words should have been music to my ears, but something about the story wasn’t sitting quite right. The first half had poured out of me—like I felt like I couldn’t physically type fast enough to get all my thoughts on the page. But now that it was time to write the ending, I felt stuck.
“Hey.” Barbara smiled softly and tilted her head. “Are you nervous about this one because it hits so close to home? Because you should know, all great stories do.”
I lifted my shoulders. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. If you’d told me a few months ago I’d be writing this story, I would have broken out in hives from being so anxious about it. But life looks a little different now that I’ve laid myself bare for the sake of reality TV.”
“It’s good to put yourself out there. People appreciate your realness.”
“And so does Ember and Elm,” I said.
My publisher had almost given up on me prior to the show, but as soon as I got home and they saw all the buzz about me, they had a very abrupt change of heart. They not only managed a rapid release for my first novel, they suddenly wanted to give me an advance on my next book without even seeing any writing—or even an outline. They just wanted a piece of me. Everyone did. Once I got home, I’d had daily requests for interviews and podcast appearances.
I was too heartbroken to do much of anything other than wallow.
Thankfully, Piper had quickly knocked some sense into me. She told me that I hadn’t spent all that time growing just to let some stupid man make it all go to shit. She kept me away from the show, too. Told me it was for the best that I not watch it. I listened to her, but it was hard, knowing the entire world had seen me say or do certain things and I had no idea what they were.
At first, I had spent a lot of time in my apartment. The show’s viewing audience had reached astronomical numbers and the buzz was real. I could hardly leave my house without someone stopping me to ask about Eli and I, which, of course, had only made the burn of heartache that much worse. But then I’d been asked to be a guest speaker at a couple of different literary festivals and book signings. Next, an offer to have my own signing in the city.
I did those things, even though I knew the only reason I had the opportunity at all was because of Tough Love . While I was nervous about putting myself out there and meeting people who had seen me on the show, the events had ended up exceeding my expectations. People had read my book and loved it. And, even more importantly, people were coming up to me and telling me that watching me had helped them handle their own grief. So I kept going, and I kept writing.
“Where did your mind wander off to?” Barbara asked gently, as I tore my eyes away from the window.
“Sorry. I was just thinking.”
“You’ve been doing a lot of that lately.” Her face softened.
I sighed. “I know. It’s just...it’s been a lot. The book, the show, all the attention. It’s overwhelming sometimes.”
“And then there’s the heartbreak.”
I winced. “Right. And then there’s that.”
Barbara tilted her head. “How are you doing with all that? Still thinking about him?”
My chest squeezed tightly. “Not so much anymore.” I felt guilty for lying to Barbara. She was sweet and kind. The whole reason I’d selected her as my agent in the first place was because I felt like I could trust her. Which is why, when I got back, I’d given her the brief rundown. I’d also told her I didn’t want to discuss it again.
“That’s what this new book is about, isn’t it?” she pressed
“I don’t know.”
“Luna loses her family and finds solace in Lucas. You don’t think there are any parallels there?”
“Maybe a few,” I said stubbornly. She knew that I knew that this new story was littered with references to Eli. Much like my thoughts, he was everywhere. Despite everything, I could never erase him.
“Have you heard from him?”
“He left me a voicemail about a week after I got back,” I admitted.
Barbara sat up straight. “What did he say?”
“I’m not sure. As soon as I heard his voice, I deleted it and blocked his number.” What I wouldn’t admit was how much I regretted deleting that voicemail. It haunted me. I was constantly wondering what he’d said.
Barbara pursed her lips. “I know you don’t want advice from an old fart like me, and I don’t know everything that happened between the two of you, but I know love when I see it. And it’s not as easy to come by as you think.”
“Trust me, I’m painfully aware,” I said.
We chatted about my next deadline for a bit before she left me at the coffee shop. I ordered another latte and opened my laptop, determined to get some writing accomplished. But after hours of sitting there, staring at my computer screen, I only had half a page written. When I went back and reread it, I pounded the delete button until there was nothing left but a blank page.
Why was this so hard? I had thought I had finally overcome my writer’s block, but now that it was time to write Luna’s happy ending—the one that I knew she deserved—I couldn’t do it. Because I couldn’t imagine Luna having a happy ending with Lucas. Even more than that, I couldn’t imagine one without him.
I slammed the computer shut, tossed it into my bag, and grabbed my coat. The cold air smacked my face as soon as I stepped outside. Winter had come early this year in Chicago, and I welcomed it. Most people said spring was the perfect season for a fresh start, but I disagreed. Nothing felt fresher than breathing in the crisp, icy air and taking in the city lights in the early evening.
As soon as I’d come back to Chicago, I’d moved out of my old apartment. I desperately needed a change, and thanks to the show I had enough money to break my lease. My new place was a small attic apartment. The bedroom barely had room for a mattress, and the ceilings sloped down on the sides, but as soon as I had seen the small wooden fire escape out the back with views of the city, I knew it was where I needed to be.
As I approached my building, I noticed someone sitting on the front steps. While it wasn’t unusual to see people enjoying every inch of outdoor space in the summer, it was strange to see someone sitting outside at the end of a particularly cold November day. I gripped my keys tighter, with the pointy ends out, ready to use them as a weapon if need be.
But I lost my breath and slowed to a stop as soon as I got a better look.
Eli sat there, bundled in a dark gray jacket and a knit beanie, the ends of his stubborn curls poking through, and his cheeks flushed. He jumped up as soon as he saw me.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, so stunned I forgot to include any coldness in my voice.
“Hi to you, too,” he said, a smile forming on his lips. “You cut your hair.”
I grabbed the ends of my hair, a length that now fell only to my shoulders. “Needed a change.”
“It looks great,” he breathed.
I gazed at him, momentarily awestruck.
“I can’t believe it’s been so long.” His eyes roamed over me as if taking in every small detail. “Congrats on your book by the way. I read it and it’s brilliant, of course. I knew it would be. ”
My senses snapped back. “I don’t want to talk to you,” I said, trying to brush past him.
“Calla, wait, please,” he pleaded, gently grabbing my arm.
I paused. I didn’t owe him anything. Not after what he did. But the ache still relentlessly latched onto my heart all the same.
He could feel my hesitation. “Please, just give me five minutes.”
I pulled my arm out of his grasp. “How did you even find me?”
He looked up at my apartment and back at me. “Nothing is private with the internet, nowadays.”
“So, you’re stalking me?” I narrowed my eyes but he just shrugged, feigning innocence.
He was skirting my question, but I guessed it didn’t matter. He was here now. In my space. And as much as I wanted to tell him to go to hell, being in his presence—seeing the skin crinkle around his eyes and the dimple form in his cheek—made me feel like I could take my first real breath since the moment I’d walked off the set.
I sighed, defeated. “What? What do you possibly have to say to me?”
“Can we go inside and talk? Might be a little warmer,” he said, rubbing his hands together.
“No,” I said curtly. There was no way in hell he was coming into my apartment right now. “You can say whatever you need to say to me right here.”
“What if people see us? We haven’t been seen together since the show. One picture of us and there’d be a media frenzy,” he pointed out, using the fact that I hated a scene to his advantage.
But as I scanned the dark street, it was completely deserted. “Nice try. Speak. ”
He scratched the back of his neck, looking uncertain. I’m sure he’d thought that he would be able to charm me with a simple apology and sweet words, but I was more determined than ever not to be won over by him.
“I’ll just get right into it. I’m not here to make excuses,” he started. “I know there is no excuse. But it really was entirely my father’s idea. I didn’t even know what was going on until that first day—just like you.”
“Don’t try to compare our situations.”
He held up his hands. “I’m not. I swear. I just hate you thinking of me as some conniving, manipulative bastard. In reality, I hadn’t wanted to do it at all. I wanted to tell my dad to go fuck himself. But then he dangled my screenplay in front of me. And I thought if I could just get that, if I could just prove myself, then I’d never have to bend to his will again. I’d be free.”
“Congratulations. I’m glad it all worked out for you.” I didn’t bother to mask my hurt.
Resolve flashed across Eli’s face as he took a step toward me. But he retreated when he saw my glare.
“Did Shay tell me to talk to you because it was good for my image? Yes. But once I got in there, I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fake feelings for someone. And I didn’t want to be my father’s pawn. Then I met you.”
“And I changed everything for you,” I said mockingly.
“Yes,” he replied earnestly.
I sucked in a breath as I felt my defenses waver.
We stood there for a second, his eyes begging me to say something. But I didn’t know what to say. Was I still angry? In theory, yes. But in reality, holding a grudge was exhausting. And I’d have been lying if I’d said that time with Eli hadn’t changed me for the better. Whether the romance had been real, or whether I could ever trust him again, was beside the point. I had entered that place broken. And while I hadn’t left completely whole, I had found pieces of myself that I’d thought I’d lost forever.
“How have you been sleeping?” he asked, when I remained silent.
I hated that he was one of the few people who knew me well enough to ask that. Even though my nightmares had never returned, I lay awake in bed for hours most nights. Usually thinking about what could’ve been. What almost was.
“Look,” I finally said, ignoring his question. “I forgive you, okay? I’m assuming that’s why you’re here, for some sort of absolution. Well, I give it to you.”
“I want your forgiveness, but that’s not why I’m here.”
“Oh?” That took me by surprise.
He looked at his shoes and then back up at me. “I’m filming my movie here.”
“In Chicago?” I asked. “I’d have thought you’d be on some big production set in LA.”
“Me too.” He let out a dry laugh. “But I didn’t end up taking my father’s deal. I told him where he could shove it, and ended up scraping together my savings to go the independent route. It’s nothing too fancy, but I have a small crew and I’m excited about it. It’s mine. For once, I’m doing things my way.”
My brain was stuck on the fact that he hadn’t taken his father’s money. After everything, he hadn’t even gone through with it.
“But why here, of all places?” I asked.
“Because you’re here,” he said simply. “I know I messed up. And I know the last thing you want to do is give me another chance, but I couldn’t not come out here and try. I should have fought harder for you that last day, but I was hurt that you didn’t believe me. Stupid, I know. Me being the sensitive one in that situation.”
“Eli. . .”
“Please, just let me finish.” He held up his hand, looking defeated. “I’ve been practicing this speech for weeks now.”
I nodded, my heart twisting with each word.
“Calla, you’re the first good thing that’s ever come into my life. Everything, and I promise everything, I ever said to you was the truth. I didn’t fall for you because my father told me to. I fell for you because you believed in me, even when you didn’t know me. You looked out for me when there was nothing in it for you. And when you left that day, I felt like my whole world was ripped away from me. And I’d do anything to get it back.”
I bit the inside of my lip hard, trying desperately to contain my whirling emotions. This was all far too much to handle right now.
“I-I’m sorry, Eli. I really do forgive you. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on everything. I’m honestly not bitter anymore. But I don’t see how we could ever be together again. When I found out the truth...it broke us.”
“Please—”
“I can’t trust you. I feel like I never even knew you for real,” I whispered.
His face fell before he ducked his head. But when he returned his gaze to mine, the corner of his lip tugged up. “I guess I’ll just have to accept that for now.”
I started to protest that it wasn’t just ‘for now,’ but he took his backpack off his shoulder and started to dig around inside. After a few seconds, he produced a white business card.
“Here,” he said, handing it to me. I thought about objecting, but decided it was easier not to fight him. “It’s got all of my information. My number is on there, and my assistant’s. I’m not going anywhere, so call me when you want to talk. Seriously, Calla. Whenever you want to talk, call me. I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night.”
My heart fell a little at the hope on his face as I scanned the card.
“I don’t want you to be disappointed if I don’t call,” I said shakily.
He gave me a sad smile. “You could never disappoint me.”