29. Kieran
KIERAN
Summer Before College
The doorbell rings, and I look around at Liv and Danny, curious as to who it could be. My parents are out, so I’m guessing it’s a neighborhood kid with another sport’s fundraiser.
It’s been amazing to have Liv back in my life. She and Danny have been spending a lot of time hanging out at my house while I’ve been recovering. They even brought over their robes and caps to take graduation photos with me in my backyard, and my parents absolutely loved them for it.
Olivia was shocked when I showed her my YouTube channel, and she’s now completely caught up on my content, claiming to be my biggest fan.
Danny might still have her beat—I’m not gonna tell her that, though.
She’s given me some great ideas for ways to draw in even more views and offered to help in any way she can if I ever need it.
It feels like a big step for her that she isn’t asking to be in the videos.
The Liv of two years ago would have been after the spotlight.
Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, especially since I am the one filming myself and posting it for the world to see, but the fact that she’s content to help me behind the scenes in a way that isn’t self-serving gives me a lot of hope for our friendship going forward.
“One second,” I call out as I make my way out of the kitchen and toward the front door. There have been so many fundraisers lately, and my parents sign up for all of them, but I really hope whoever this is has either the bucket of fancy popcorn or cookie dough.
I pull open the door, and the smile on my face immediately drops. My whole body freezes as I make eye contact with Jace.
What the hell is he doing here?
And how did he figure out where I live?
I blocked him on Facebook, finally. Him and David. I wanted to just move on from this mess and work on getting over him, but now he’s standing on my doorstep, daring to look nervous.
“Kieran—” he starts.
I start to close the door, uninterested in hearing him out.
“Kieran, just let me explain, please.” He sticks his arm out, preventing me from slamming it in his face.
“Explain?” I scoff. “What’s there to explain?
I’ve torn apart every interaction we’ve ever had, and none of it makes sense.
You’re clearly a skilled liar, and I can’t trust a word out of your mouth.
There’s no need to explain yourself now.
” I attempt to push the door closed again.
The idea of hearing Jace’s new version of the “truth,” whatever twisted excuses he’s come up with, makes me want to throw up.
“Kieran, please?”
“No.” I move to shut the door again, but his hand is still there.
“You’re… you’re not wearing makeup,” he says quietly. “You always—”
“God, Jace, you already hurt me so much. Can’t you just leave?”
“It’s just… I’ve never seen you without makeup on.” He really is a way better actor than I’d given him credit for. He looks genuinely concerned. No wonder I’d believed his lies. “I don’t like it, K,” he adds, calling me a fucking nickname like we’re friends.
“Seriously?” I bite out, my voice sharp.
It’s not like I’ve been in a hurry to do my makeup with my wrist still in a cast, but he’s too self-centered to make that connection.
“You think that’s what we need to talk about?
My face? I’m done wearing makeup in this stupid town.
You fucking win, Jace. You got what you wanted. Now go.”
“Kieran, please can I come in so we can talk?” he begs.
My mind is warring between rage and hurt, and my defenses are slipping the longer I look at him.
I rake my lips against my teeth, trying to calm myself down.
“No. I don’t want to hear your excuses. You hurt me enough, Jace.
You broke my fucking heart and that’s on me for falling for your lies.
Can’t you just let me get over you in peace?
” My voice cracks, and I hate that I sound as weak as I feel.
I gave him more of me than I planned when he showed up here, but I felt like I was moving on.
Or starting to, and despite myself, a tear rolls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away.
He opens his mouth like he’s going to say something, but nothing comes out. He just stands there for a second, jaw parted, looking completely helpless, like he isn’t the one who ripped out my heart and stomped it into the ground.
Did I think I was starting to heal? Because that wound feels fresher than ever. “You okay, K?” I turn back. Liv and Danny both approach the front door, probably concerned about what was taking so long.
Liv sees Jace first. “What the fuck are you doing here?” she demands.
“I need to explain, I didn’t—”
“Explain, what?” she challenges. “How you’re a selfish asshole who hurt my best friend?”
I glance at Danny, who’s looking between the three of us, very confused.
“You need to go, Jace,” I say, holding my ground.
“I’m leaving town today, this is my last chance to explain,” he tries.
“He told you to leave,” Liv repeats.
Finally, Jace drops his arm, looking utterly devastated. I have no idea if this is another act, but if, on the off chance, my not following whatever script he’s prepared is upsetting him, good. Fuck him.
“I’m sorry, Sparkles. I’m so fucking sorry,” he mutters, and with that, he finally turns to leave, approaching the waiting car in my driveway. There are two men waiting for him, and he shakes his head as he gets into the back of the car.
My pulse is hammering in my ears from, once again, having to stand up to him.
Did he really think it would be a good idea to come here?
Was he trying to make himself feel better about the way things ended?
Did he really think, after everything he’d done to me, that I’d be in a full face of makeup at my own house?
He spent months threatening me to try to get me to stop.
And now he’s going to stand here and complain that I’m not wearing any?
He and David can get fucked.
If David wants to post all about my YouTube channel and talk shit, then that’s what he’ll do. Maybe I’ll get new followers.
I’m done caring. Next month, I’ll finally be at a school where nobody knows me as “the freak who wears makeup.” There, surrounded by millions of people, I get to start over.
I’ll probably even start wearing makeup again in public.
It’s been weeks, at this point, since I posted a new video. As much as I hate to admit it, being so blindsided by Jace and ending up in the hospital did break my spirits and my confidence.
At first, I told myself it was practical because my wrist was broken, and holding a brush steady sent pain shooting up my arm. But, even if I could’ve pushed through, I didn’t want to give anyone another reason to look at me. I’m done being a punching bag for shitty people.
But now, after seeing Jace again, the urge to create a new video is at an all-time high.
Inspiration is coursing through me as I storm away from the door and go to my bedroom computer.
When I log in, I’m met with thousands of comments.
People asking me where I’ve been, telling me they miss my videos, that my tutorials are helping them get through their own rough days.
Some are even defending me against trolls.
It’s weird to me how these people don’t know me, and yet they feel safer than most of the ones who do.
I think I’m ready to do this. For them. And for me.
I set up my tripod, turn on my light, and start digging through my palettes.
If they want another video, I’ll give them one. And this time, it’s not just about makeup—it’s about showing up, even after my bully tried to break me.