28. Jace
JACE
Ihave no idea why my dad and my uncle don’t get along, but I really hope he isn’t as big of a homophobic asshole as my father.
I’m sitting in the shitty motel room I’ve been living in for the last few days, biting around my thumbnail as I stare at my phone, trying to hype myself up to call my uncle. It’s a miracle my dad hasn’t canceled my phone plan yet, but I know it’s only a matter of time.
The money I had saved is nearly gone already. Turns out paying for a place to sleep each night and feeding yourself is expensive. Even though I picked this place because it seemed to be the cheapest, and it’s only about a mile walk to school.
Thankfully, my little sister isn’t as shitty as my parents.
She messaged me on Facebook—apparently they blocked my number in her phone—saying she packed a bag full of my clothes and phone charger, and told me there was a convenience store down the street from her friend’s house she could meet me at.
Molly and I have never been close, especially with the five-year age gap, so I was shocked she was willing to rebel against my dad to help me. I’ve always resented how easy her life seemed compared to mine, and I never really gave her a chance.
Add it to the growing list of regrets I have for the first eighteen years of my life.
The last few days of being on my own have led me down a path filled with self-hatred.
I hurt so many people, including the one person I care about more than anyone else: Kieran.
The shame I feel is overwhelming whenever I picture him in a hospital bed.
I was in so much denial about my attraction to him, and I have endless regret for that.
I tried to reach out on social media, but his account has either been deleted or he blocked me. I’m guessing it’s the latter. All I want is to talk to him, to explain why I was late that day, how I came out to my dad, to ask him for another chance—a real chance.
But I deserve his hatred and his silence. I might not have been the one to hurt him, but David wouldn’t have had the opportunity if it wasn’t for the way I handled things. If only I’d come to terms with my sexuality in a healthier way that didn’t involve targeting him and sneaking around.
I’ve thought about showing up at his house, but I don’t have a car.
I’ve spent all my spare time watching his YouTube channel.
That first night when I was alone in this creepy room, I was staring at the ceiling, thinking about how much everything had changed in so little time, when I remembered David’s comment about his videos.
It didn’t take long to find his channel; Kieran is apparently kind of a big deal on there.
My stomach twisted when I saw the name of his channel: Sparkle’s Makeup Tutorials.
The same name that I gave him as a taunt, the one that’s shifted more recently into one of endearment. He’s claimed it as his own.
I barely slept that night, only finally passing out mid-video to the sound of his voice.
I’ve watched them all now. I had no idea how much effort went into the makeup he wears, how much skill and talent Kieran has.
There are even other people who post their attempts at his looks even though they never look as good.
But he hasn’t posted since before David attacked him.
There are so many people in the comments who love, and have been inspired by, his courage.
He can’t give all that up.
I even made my own account to join in. I used my first and middle initial so he wouldn’t recognize me, and the profile picture is one I took of the sunset over the pier in Atlantic city, so he’d never recognize it as me. Plus, I’m sure there are tons of other JJs.
I should probably accept that he doesn’t want me in his life at all and move on, not be making new accounts online to watch his videos without him knowing.
But even though I know I don’t deserve it, there’s still that part of me that hopes he’ll be ready to forgive me one day, and I need to see for myself that he’s okay.
If he puts up a new video, then I’ll know he is.
His sparkle might be dimmed right now, but I don’t think it’s gone.
God, I miss him.
I want to talk to him so badly. Want to pull him into me and hold him while I explain.
I’ve thought about reaching out to Olivia, but he told me they still aren’t friends just a few weeks ago, and I highly doubt she’d give me his number.
But before I can decide to do anything else, there’s another call I have to make first.
I finally hit the call button next to my uncle’s name on my phone. For a long moment, I’m worried he won’t answer and that I really will be all on my own. But he picks up after the third ring.
“Uncle Joey?”
“Jace? Is that really you?” His warm voice feels like a blanket wrapping around me as I exhale in relief. I’m not completely alone yet.
“It’s me,” I confirm. We’ve never spoken on the phone, but the birthday cards he sends that never have his info on the envelope—probably so my dad doesn’t hide them from me—always have his number in them.
I’ve put a lot of thought into this phone call over the last few days because I really do need help.
I have no idea what I’ll do if my uncle won’t loan me money.
But I’ve also only just freed myself from my father’s control, and I don’t want to trade one horrible man for another if he’s also an asshole.
I haven’t seen him in years, so I can’t be sure.
“Is everything okay? You’ve never called before.”
I need to tell him the truth before anything else.
I take in another steadying breath and blurt out everything.
“So, it turns out I’m bi, like I’m attracted to both men and women—in case you don’t know what that means—and when I told my father, he kicked me out.
School ends in a few days, but I’m almost out of the money you’ve sent me over the years, and I don’t really know what to do.
I’ve been trying to find a job, but I haven’t heard back yet from anyone.
” I slow down as I get to the part that I’m really nervous for.
“Is there any way you could loan me some money? Or send my birthday present early or something? If you were even planning to do that anymore,” I say, trying my very best to sound casual and not like I’m going to fully break down if he can’t help me out.
“Holy shit, Jace. Are you okay? Where are you?”
I appreciate his concern, and I’m hoping that it’s a good sign, but I’m nervous he didn’t answer about the money right away. “I’m staying in a motel near the school.”
“Do you want me to come get you? I can send you money, too, but you don’t need to live in a motel when I have a guest room you’re welcome to stay in for as long as you need.”
I pause for a minute, replaying his words in my head.
I can stay with him? In his guest room? For as long as I need?
Oh, thank fuck.
Relief crashes over me, and I fall back onto the bed, unable to remain upright with how much better I already feel.
“Wait.” I pause, worried he might rescind his offer because maybe he didn’t catch what I said earlier. “Did you hear the part about why he kicked me out? That I’m bi. Does that bother you?” I check. I refuse to let anyone else control me like my dad did.
“That definitely doesn’t bother me, Jace,” he reassures me. I think I might actually cry from how much better I feel knowing I still have his support. “Do you remember the last time I saw you?” he continues, confusing me with his change of topic.
“Uh, yeah, I think it was almost five years ago, right? At one of my games?”
“It was. Your dad and I got into a fight. Did he ever tell you why?” he prompts.
Although the memory isn’t very clear, I can picture my dad yelling at his brother. “Uh, I think it had something to do with my dad being upset that your friend came with you. My dad said he wasn’t invited.”
My uncle’s sigh is loud through the phone’s speaker. “Jace, that friend was my boyfriend. He’s now my husband… and, I don’t want to make any promises, but he might be able to help you find a union job if that’s something that interests you.”
“Your husband?” I echo back, unable to form any relevant thoughts about the latter part of what he said.
“Yeah, he’s the best,” he states, love evident in his tone. “Jace, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this on your own. When’s the last day of school? Do you want me to come down there to help until you’re ready to move in with us?”
I’m so relieved by his offer, so grateful he sounds nothing like my father that I easily agree. “If you want to, you can.”
“Oh thank god, I don’t think I would have been able to stay away knowing what I do now. What’s your address?”
I tell him where I am, and he promises to see me in a few hours.
“Thank you so much, Uncle Joey, you’re the best.” I heave out another relieved sigh and hang up.
My mind is still reeling, processing that call. I can’t believe I never knew my uncle is married to a man. And that they’re going to let me live with them. Maybe even help me find a job.
It’s all so surreal.
My life isn’t over.
Maybe it’s just beginning.
Fuck. I really need to talk to Kieran before I go anywhere though.