27. Kieran #2
“I never should have put my desire for a boyfriend before our friendship, especially when that boyfriend was him. We were friends for so long that I took it for granted, and I’m sorry.
And not just with Jace. When the girls from yearbook started inviting me to things, I got swept up in the whole popularity thing.
They always seemed like their lives were so perfect, and I don’t know…
It was nice to feel like I was a part of it.
But looking back, I’ve realized the friendships I thought I had with them are all so shallow compared to how close you and me used to be.
” Her voice wavers at that, and she glances up at me with tears in her eyes.
“Oh, Liv,” I whisper, feeling a little choked up myself.
“I didn’t even realize I’d been such a shitty friend to you for as long as I was until after we’d stopped talking. I hate what I did to you and I’m so sorry, Kieran.”
She sounds so remorseful, I can’t listen to her for any longer. I stand up and open my arms in an invitation. She only hesitates for a second before she’s jumping out of her seat and rushing to hug me.
We hold each other tightly for a few minutes, both of us letting silent tears fall as we mourn the friendship we’d once had.
Finally, I pull back. “You weren’t the only one who made mistakes,” I admit.
“I should have heard you out sooner, I was just holding onto resentment, and for that, I’m sorry. ”
We both settle onto the same couch, turned toward each other as we continue the conversation we should have probably had months ago.
“No, I get it. You had every right to be mad at me,” she insists.
“Jace was so horrible to you, and I never took it seriously enough. I was so swept up in attention, and then when he asked me out, I was so excited that the hot, popular, probably MLB-bound guy wanted me, I convinced myself it wasn’t a big deal.
But it was, and I did it anyway. I’m so sorry. ”
Fuck. Obviously, when she first started dating him that’s what I was so mad about. But… I also ignored the way he used to treat me when he started showering me with more positive attention. And look where that got me.
Now that Liv is here, and we’re finally having this conversation, I’m not sure how honest I should be. I never told anyone about hooking up with him. Should I accept her apology and not give her the full truth? Should I tell her everything even if I’d be outing him?
Liv is looking at me nervously as I consider what to do. Ugh. My brain is still too foggy for this important of a decision, but I know I’ll regret delaying this conversation until I’m completely recovered. Liv and I have gone long enough without each other, and I want my best friend back.
I think the only way for us to really recover is if we do so honestly.
Despite our fight, I trust her. I don’t believe Olivia would tell anyone else if I ask her not to. So, I take in a deep breath and try to exhale my anxiety and hesitation.
“He is pretty hot,” I finally agree with a smirk.
Liv lets out a surprised laugh, obviously not expecting that response.
“In case it wasn’t clear, I forgive you,” I start. “I’d really like for us to get back the friendship we used to have. And I think the first step to us getting there involves me telling you something kind of big, but I can only do that if you promise not to tell anyone else.”
“Of course. Whatever you need to tell me will stay between us,” she agrees seriously.
Fuck, where do I even begin? “When you guys broke up, and you tried to apologize, I wasn’t ready to hear you out.” Now I’m the one nervously bouncing my leg, and I can’t seem to stop. “But then a few months later, I kind of did the same thing you had…” I trail off, afraid to say the words.
“Sorry, I don’t understand. What did you do?”
She’s looking at me expectantly, and I realize that there will never be a perfect way to admit everything, so I go for it, blurting it out quickly so I can’t lose my nerve.
“I also ignored everything he used to do to me when he gave me attention. It started as more of a taunting, hate-hookup situation, but then it kind of shifted into something else, and I thought it might even mean more. But then he sent David to end things with me in the woods. I ended up in the hospital, and here we are.” I shrug, aiming a tentative smile at her.
Liv just stares at me, mouth hanging open in what I think is shock for a moment.
Did she actually understand any of that?
Or is my concussed brain making even less sense than I realize?
Finally, she recovers, expression morphing into one of such joy that I’m convinced she misunderstood until she squeals, “You. Hooked up. With Jace?”
“Shhhh,” I remind her, glancing at the hallway.
“Sorry, sorry.” She switches to a loud whisper. “I fucking knew it. I told you he was obsessed with you, and then he broke up with me after I said he should date you instead. I can’t believe he actually admitted it though. You said it happened more than once?”
I nod. “The first time, we were fighting in the bathroom at Cameron’s Halloween party, and then nothing for months.
He completely ignored me. Then early this spring, it happened again after school, and then he showed up at the mall and asked me to drive him home.
” Her eyes go wider with each admission.
“And it kept happening. Like, multiple times a week. And I thought we’d even become friends.
” I rub my temples as I admit the truth.
“I thought maybe he liked me, that it could be more…” I trail off.
She sobers a bit. “Did you like him too?”
I hesitate for a moment. “Yeah, ugh, so much. And I should have known better. Obviously it didn’t mean anything to him. I was just an experiment or something,” I say the words out loud for the first time, and my lip trembles at the admission.
“Fuck, K, I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve any of that,” she says, and tears start falling down my cheeks.
“I know. But he made me believe he cared about me, and it hurts, Liv. It fucking hurts,” I say as she pulls me into a hug.
“I know it does. I’m so sorry, K. You deserve to be with someone who knows how incredible you are, that claims you proudly. Not some asshole jock that’s confused about his sexuality.”
I let out a surprised laugh at her spot-on description of him. “Thanks, Liv.”
“Let it out. I’m sorry you’ve been through so much,” she encourages, keeping her arms wrapped around me.
I cry for the time we lost, for what I thought Jace and I could’ve been, for the pain in my body and heart.
I’ve tried to be so strong over the last two years, to not let anything break me.
But I can’t keep doing it alone. I sink into her deeper, appreciating that I’m embracing my oldest friend, someone I truly care about, someone I’ve been through so much with.
When we pull apart, we smirk at each other, and our mirrored expressions give me even more hope that we can move forward together. That we might even be stronger because of it.
“It’ll be okay, K. You are going to find someone who loves you and is so proud to be with you.”
“Thanks, Liv. God, I’ve missed you,” I say, swiping my sleeve under my eye.
“Do you want me to go, to let you rest?” she offers.
“Hell no,” I nearly shout. “I might be tired, but I’m also really sick of thinking about what happened.
I’d love for you to update me on everything I’ve missed in your life,” I suggest, moving to get comfortable on the couch.
“I apologize in advance if I forget a few details with the concussion though.”
Liv smiles, also shifting to settle in deeper. “Let me know when you’re ready.”