27. Kieran
KIERAN
There’s still one more week of senior year, but I’m done with that place, done with those people.
Especially Jace.
When I was lying in that hospital bed, hooked up to machines and getting lectured by the nurse about concussions, my mind kept circling back to the one and only conclusion that makes sense to me: Jace told David to go there and threaten me to stay away from him.
My memories of exactly what happened in the woods are a little hazy, which the doctors said was normal after a concussion. But there’s no other way David would’ve shown up at our exact spot, at our exact time, unless Jace told him.
Maybe David suspected us and Jace threw me under the bus to save himself? Or maybe he’s more sadistic than I’d thought.
I just wish I understood his plan. Was it to get me to let my guard down, to start…
liking him, only to send David in once I was too trusting to see it coming?
So Jace didn’t have to risk his own reputation by being the one to do it himself?
Was he sitting somewhere that night, waiting for a text from David saying it was done?
Did he picture me crying in the dirt while he laughed about it with his friends?
It’s messed up, but in some ways, that thought hurts more than David’s words or the fall did, more than all the pain that’s still present in my head and my wrist, even now, days later.
The worst part is, I never saw this coming from Jace.
I felt like we had reached a mutual understanding between us.
He came out to me, asked questions, started treating me like someone he actually wanted to know, and he opened up to me about his dad.
It felt like maybe the walls he kept up in public were starting to crack when it was just the two of us alone.
But I realize now that it was nothing more than a way for him to get off, disguised as a superstition.
And I wonder if he even meant all the stuff about his dad.
Fuck, I hate them both. All three of them.
He never cared. I just made the mistake of thinking he did.
I should’ve known better. I should’ve kept my head down, played it safe until graduation, until I was in New York where people wouldn’t look twice if I walked into class with a full face of makeup.
Instead, I thought I could survive being myself here—be proud of it, even. And I let myself believe that maybe someone like Jace could learn and change, that he could see me and not hate what he saw, especially once he got to know me.
I mistook the way I’d catch him shyly smiling at me in class the last month or the way his eyes would sometimes flick to my mouth like he was thinking about more than just getting off as proof of that.
But it didn’t mean anything.
I’d just told myself it did, because I wanted it to. Because it felt good to believe that the person who spent over a year making me feel small had finally decided to see me.
And knowing that he didn’t breaks my heart.
But I was nothing more than a secret. A mouth.
A habit that he could drop as soon as it stopped being convenient.
Now that the season is over, Jace sent David to end things for him.
He couldn’t even face me himself. It only makes sense he sent his dumbass best friend after me to keep his golden boy reputation intact.
My parents were beside themselves when I ended up in the hospital, and in my concussed state, I admitted that someone was threatening me, and when I tried to get away, I fell.
But I only told them it was because of my YouTube videos and told them repeatedly I was fine and we didn’t need to press charges.
They begged me for more, but I couldn’t tell them, not if I didn’t want everything to be picked apart and dissected and turned into a much larger issue.
Even though I only stayed in the hospital for one night, I agreed with them that going back to finish the final week of school was unnecessary.
My doctors wrote me a note explaining my concussion and asking that I be excused from any unnecessary use of my broken wrist. Obviously writing would be difficult even if my brain wasn’t injured.
But the real reason I’m excused from the final week of school and my finals is because my mom freaked out on the principal, going on about how unsafe school is for queer people, and how they should be encouraging a more accepting and inclusive environment.
She demanded to see their anti-bullying policies, and when she found out there weren’t any officially in place, she offered to work with them to create a comprehensive plan to prevent what happened to me from happening to anyone else.
David’s confrontation didn’t happen at school, but my mom can be pretty intimidating when she’s standing up for me.
It’s weird I won’t be going back to school. Danny coordinated with my mom to get the items from my locker, so I really never have to set foot in there again. It’s definitely not the ending I pictured.
My parents don’t even want me to go to graduation, worried about what people might say or if I’ll see the person who confronted me.
They’re trying to encourage me to shift my focus to college, and honestly, sitting around for hours, listening to everyone’s name being called, sounds like an awful time, so I’m not fighting them on skipping it.
And if we’re being really honest, I’d rather not go because I don’t want to see Jace. If he was too afraid to end whatever was going on between us face-to-face, then I see no reason to ever be around him again.
I’m also out of work until my concussion symptoms improve.
I still have a mild headache, some nausea, and am annoyingly tired.
I’m sick of lying around, not doing anything.
I can’t be on my phone or watch TV, and I’m going crazy with boredom.
My mom hasn’t been very good about giving me space since this happened, either.
She’s currently sitting across from me, reading in an armchair, wanting to keep me company.
She thinks I’ve been so upset about getting hurt, which I am, but I’m more sad about Jace. Mourning what we could’ve been. Or at least the version of us that I’d built up in my head. It felt real to me—even though I know it wasn’t to him.
He hid me away like I was a dirty secret, but he’d also let his guard down. He acted as though I was the first person he could be honest with, the only one who saw past all his walls and the facade he puts on for everyone else.
I let myself believe it meant something. I let myself believe I meant something.
I thought that he cared, and I miss the way I felt when he was around.
But now I just feel stupid and heartbroken and angry.
I wish I could brush it all off, move on.
But I’m devastated.
The doorbell rings, distracting me from my seemingly endless thoughts of Jace.
Maybe it’s Danny? I haven’t been on my phone much because it can make the symptoms worse, so I might have missed a message that he was coming over.
I sit up, intending to answer it, but my mom stops me.
“Stay there. I’ll see who it is, honey. You can just rest.”
Awesome, more rest.
I offer her a weak smile, but I’m frustrated because I don’t need more rest. I need to move on. I need to stop obsessing over the man who sent his best friend to break my heart. It’s only fitting I walked away from the exchange with broken bones as well.
My mom returns, eyeing me hesitantly, and my guard is immediately up. If it had been Danny at the door, she would have just let him in. But… who else would it be? It’s not like Jace is about to show up here.
I wouldn’t want to see him anyway, I try to remind myself.
“Who is it?” I ask.
My mom glances back at the front door, but I can’t see it from my spot on the couch. “Olivia,” she finally answers, and I let out a sigh of… relief? Definitely relief. I’m not at all disappointed that Jace isn’t here.
Because I never want to see him again. See, that one almost sounded convincing.
But I actually do want to see Liv. It feels like it’s time.
Jace’s comment about how he hoped I’d forgiven Liv now that he and I were hooking up has been stuck in my head.
I’ve missed her a lot lately, and I don’t think he meant to call me out, but he did.
He made me realize I was doing the exact thing I’d been so furious at her for.
And once it hit me, I felt like a complete asshole.
I sit up fully, nodding to my mom. “Let her in.”
My mom smiles and hurries back to the door. A moment later, Olivia slowly enters the room. She’s biting her lip, clearly nervous as she approaches.
“Hey, it’s good to see you,” I greet, hoping my smile is warm.
“Wait, really?” she asks.
“I think it’s time we talk,” I admit as she takes a seat in the chair my mom had previously been in. She didn’t return with Liv so I think she’s giving us privacy.
“Okay,” she quickly agrees, letting out a relieved exhale. Her foot is bouncing like she can’t shake her nervous energy, and seeing that makes me realize how anxious I am too. “Kieran, I really am so sorry,” she starts, and I nod.
“I know, Liv. I appreciate you saying that.”
“Wait, let me get it all out,” she says quickly.
“Obviously I’m sorry for dating him, I never should have done that.
I knew how mean he was to you, but I was dismissive of it all because of how attracted to him I was and because he was popular.
” She shakes her head, looking down at her lap where she’s picking at a loose thread in her skirt.