26. Jace #2
I pull my fist back, preparing to punch him again, when a strong grip closes around my wrist, and the grating sound of my father’s voice cuts through the static in my mind.
“What the hell are you doing?” he hisses, probably trying to avoid causing an even bigger scene by not yelling. I look around and take in the small crowd of students who have gathered around us.
Fuck.
He flings my arm down, stepping in front of David, running through a quick concussion test that I’ve seen him do countless times on the field when players have collided or if someone loses a helmet. He seems to be satisfied with David’s responses, stepping back.
“You’re not going to press charges, right?” my dad asks him.
“Uh, no?” David responds hesitantly.
“Good. I’ll walk you to the nurse’s office. Jace, we’ll drop you off with the principal on the way,” he explains in his no-nonsense coach voice. He’s pissed.
But not nearly as livid as he’ll be if David explains why I attacked him.
I want to protest leaving the two of them alone together, but my father’s glare when we arrive in the waiting area outside of the principal’s office warns me to keep my mouth shut in a way I’m not strong enough to fight against.
I chew on my thumbnail as I try not to picture how hurt Kieran must be. I don’t think anyone was there to pull David off him like my dad just did with me.
I should have been, though, and I’ll never forgive myself.
Is he really injured enough to have missed multiple days of school? What exactly did he do to him? Or is it possible that his absence was unrelated and he’s fine? He was gone by the time I got there…
My father comes storming into the office, past the reception area I’m in, and heads right to the principal’s door.
He stops in front of it, taking a deep breath as I see him slip on his mask.
The one that he usually keeps on around other people, the false charisma that has everyone falling at his feet.
He plasters on a big smile before lifting his fist to the door.
“Juliet, may I come in? It’s urgent,” he says politely, opening the door as he knocks. He closes it again, leaving me in silence.
I know I should be worried about my punishment, but all I can focus on is my need to know if Kieran is okay. Is he still in the hospital? Would I be allowed to visit? Would his parents even tell me if I showed up at his house?
Finally, the door swings open, and the principal glances at me wearily.
“I’ll give you two some time alone, feel free to talk in my office,” she offers, holding her arm out, gesturing for me to come inside.
I reluctantly walk in and take a seat. As soon as my dad closes the door, confirming she’s out of earshot, he drops his act.
“What the fuck was that?” he hisses, still attempting to control his volume even though the anger in his eyes is worse than I’ve seen in awhile.
“If you were literally any other kid, you’d be suspended so fast, hell, maybe even expelled.
You would’ve been kicked off the team if the season wasn’t already over! What the fuck were you thinking?”
He’s firing off his comments and questions far too quickly for me to answer.
It doesn’t matter though. I know from experience he needs to get them all out before I do or he’ll yell at me for interrupting.
“I thought David was one of your best friends?” he continues.
“Was it over a girl? What could he possibly have done for you to risk the draft? David wouldn’t spill so you better open your fucking mouth before I do it for you. ”
He finally stops on the opposite side of the principal’s desk from me, leaning his hands on it to scowl expectantly, finally ready for my answer.
I know I should make up an excuse, play along with the one my dad’s offering, literally say anything other than what comes out of my mouth, but despite how bad of a situation I’ve ended up in, I can’t seem to move past my own fury, and the truth is all I can think about.
“He attacked Kieran.” I hear myself practically growl with how angry I am. “He’s missed school now for two days, and I don’t know what exactly David did, but I think it was bad.”
My dad stares at me blankly for a moment, blinking a few times. Obviously, that wasn’t the answer he was expecting, and for a moment, he calms down enough to question me. “Are you talking about that gay kid in your class who always wears makeup?”
I give him a small nod in answer. I already said it, no taking it back now.
“I heard he went to the hospital and won’t be returning to school,” he says casually, like his words don’t feel like knives plunging into my chest. “Are you saying David did that?” he asks, not sounding the least bit upset about it, just curious.
“The faculty got an email about it, like, an hour ago. But that kid had it coming. With all the shit he paints on his face, he was asking for it. I’m shocked it took this long, honestly. ”
Those knives carve deeper, raking down my chest, tearing me completely apart as each word out of my father’s mouth echoes those of my past.
I can’t believe how wrong I was.
How I let this horrible man, who’s taught me nothing but hate and fear, shape me into a copy of him for so long.
The worst part is that I know I’d still be that person if I hadn’t met Kieran.
I’ve never been strong enough to break free of my father’s mold.
I’ve always done exactly what he wanted because it was easier to give in, to fold myself into what he wanted me to be.
I didn’t realize how much of myself I’ve given up over the years to keep my father happy.
But he’ll never be happy.
And I don’t want to be like him anymore.
I think of all the times I harassed Kieran, bullied him in an attempt to get him to conform to who I wanted him to be—just like my dad did to me—but he never gave in. He kept showing up the way he wanted to.
Because he’s free.
I’ve been trying to be my father for so long because that’s what I’ve been taught.
But that’s not me. Who I am around Kieran…
that’s who I want to be. All this other version has done for me is make me feel isolated, disconnected, lonely, and like I’m not good enough.
I’ve never felt like I’m good enough. I’ve spent my entire life trying to be like my dad, but I think it’s time I try to imitate someone else.
Kieran wouldn’t hesitate to stand up for himself. But he isn’t here, so I need to do it for him.
I take a deep breath, looking my father right in the eye before I argue. “No one asks to be attacked,” I say in the most confident voice I can manage. I’m not yelling, but I think the slow controlled tone sounds just as pissed, maybe even more. “He didn’t ask to end up in the hospital.”
He eyes me skeptically. “Calm down, kid. Don’t take me so literally. All I’m saying is that gay kid is practically begging to be bullied with the way he acts.”
“Why?” I challenge. “Because of the makeup? It’s not even that big of a deal—”
“He’s gay,” my dad interrupts. “Obviously people are going to target him. It’s not right.
” He shrugs again, unaware of how close I am to my breaking point as he goes on.
“I can’t believe that kid thinks it’s okay to proudly label himself and walk around encouraging other people to be a part of his gay agenda. It’s disturbing.”
Every word my father says adds fuel to the flames of my rage.
“Are you implying he deserves to be attacked because he’s attracted to other men?
” I grit out. I was trying to be civil. To stand up for Kieran without escalating things to avoid my father as much as possible, but I don’t think that was ever really an option.
Fuck it.
If I’m truly done being who this awful man has tried to force me to be, done living my life based on every move he would make, then I need to take a stand.
To burn every bridge so there’s no room for me to fall back into bad habits.
No room for him to keep trying to turn me into the person he wants me to be.
“Well, I guess I belong in the hospital too,” I announce, holding eye contact with the hateful excuse of a man who raised me. “Because I’ve really enjoyed having his dick in my mouth.”
His stare is completely expressionless, blinking a few times before his scowl returns. “Jesus, Jace. What the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t make jokes like that, it isn’t funny.”
I lean back in my chair, trying to project a casual air of confidence as I cross my arms and respond.
“I’m not joking. Kieran is one of the best people that I’ve ever met.
” Finally admitting the truth feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. I know this is about to get a lot worse when my dad actually reacts, but I can’t regret telling him when I already feel so much better.
“I can’t believe I ever cared about assholes like you and David not finding out that I’m attracted to him when he’s such an amazing person. ”
My father has probably yelled at me thousands of times with varying degrees of intensity. But the few times that I’ve managed to really piss him off, he’s remained eerily calm, like he is now as he demands, “Are you being fucking serious right now? Did he infect you with his gay shit?”
“I’m being one hundred percent serious,” I reply, echoing his tone. “And you can’t make someone gay, that’s a ridiculous thing to say.”
The office is silent, and I’m not sure either of us are breathing as my dad continues to stare at me. Finally, he gives me a once-over before calmly shaking his head. “My son isn’t gay,” he insists.
“No. I think I’m bi, actually,” I say out loud for the very first time. Honestly, the labels are still kind of confusing to me, but for now, I know I’ve been attracted to more than one gender, so it feels right.
My comment only seems to piss him off more. “I don’t know what the fuck that means, but my son isn’t gay.”
I think he’s waiting for me to laugh this off, to confirm that it’s all a joke. So I double down. “Well, no matter the label, I definitely liked having his dick in my mouth. That’s what I was actually doing all those times I told you I had to study with David.”
He shakes his head again, balling his fists at his side. I’m sure he’s weighing the risks of being the one to send me to the hospital right now, but we’re at his workplace.
“I’m done with you. You’re not my fucking son,” he grits out again.
“Don’t you dare ever set foot in my house again.
I mean it, Jace. I’m fucking done with you.
I should have let them suspend you, but going back out there to reverse what I did now would only make me look bad.
I can’t believe I wasted my whole fucking life on you, you ungrateful shit.
No pro team is going to want a homo on their team.
You fucked up everything I worked so hard for!
” He throws the door open, storming out of the office, letting it slam closed behind him.
Adrenaline is still coursing through my veins after what just happened. I can’t believe I did that. Holy shit.
For a moment, I’m elated. I’m free.
I never have to do what that asshole says ever again.
But then the reality of my situation catches up to me.
I have no place to live, no car, and I’ve never worked a day in my life. The only money I have is the little over a thousand dollars I still have from my uncle.
Going into this, I didn’t have a plan, and I never thought past my admission, but I don’t regret it. It felt good, really good, to say it out loud. To stop harboring the fear of my secrets getting out and saying them by choice.
I just don’t know what to do from here. I attacked my “best friend,” and I’m sure he and my dad will warn the rest of the team against helping me.
And Kieran. Shit, Kieran. It’s not like he’d let me stay with him, but I can’t believe he was in the hospital.
Or is? Is he still there? He must have been really hurt if he was there.
God, I hope he’s okay. David tried to play it off like it was nothing, but I know him, and he’s always had a way of taking things too far.
He had to take it far enough for him to end up in the hospital.
I take a deep breath. One thing at a time.
The most pressing thing is finding a hotel that I can stay at until graduation.
I’m sure the money I have saved can get me through then.
And then what? Baseball season is over, and now that I have a choice…
I have no desire to follow through with the draft.
That was always my dad’s dream. I don’t want to continue to dedicate my life to the sport that will always be poisoned by the memory of him.
I didn’t actually apply to any colleges though. Maybe I can do a year at a community college? I’m smart, I have good grades.
Fuck, my brain is ping-ponging all over the place.
That’s not what I really need to be focusing on right now.
I can finish out my senior year, get my diploma, and find a job.
That I can walk to.
Because I don’t have a car.
Fuck.