34. Kieran
KIERAN
Producer: “Do you prefer to plan a date or be invited on one that’s already planned?”
Kieran: “With my job, I’m used to being the one who makes all the decisions. Sometimes it’s hard for me to give up that control, but I would really love to be with someone who I could trust to do things like that.”
The door between the date room and the rest of my temporary apartment shuts behind me as I make my way into the living room and drop onto the couch. That date with JR went too quickly once again.
I wonder if any of my other dates will ever move from “thank god we’re done” to “wow, I wish we had more time,” but so far, JR is the only one I feel that way about.
I don’t know why I assumed I’d have more connections when I was preparing to come on this show.
Yes, I’ve been picturing falling in love with the one, but I kind of thought I’d have to slowly weed down my choices as the filming progressed.
I thought seventeen conversations would produce a few solid standouts to capture my attention.
Instead, my list ended up looking like JR at the top, a decent gap, and then a scramble to fill the rest.
Second place went to ZM, mostly because they were easy to talk to, even if I couldn’t say a single deep thing about them now. Third was PT, who at least made me laugh twice, though I think one of those times was unintentional. The rest of my list felt like picking names out of a hat.
Fine, forgettable, and probably not my perfect match.
Except for JR.
I don’t even bother pretending I’m going to wait for them to text me first. The producers gave us the green light to message matches, and I’m not about to make small talk or delay texting just to play it cool.
Normal social standards, like waiting to text someone after a date, seem kind of silly when we’re both here with the intention to meet our future spouse.
But I could really get in my head if I start thinking about just how soon the show has those weddings planned, and I don’t want to end up focusing on the wrong thing.
The connection I already have with JR seems promising, and I want to continue to build it.
We haven’t even talked that much, but in some ways, I feel like they might know more about me than some of my previous partners ever did.
So much of my dating history has played out while I’ve been creating content, and being here without that as a part of my identity… It’s strange.
Especially because I don’t know who I am outside of that. I thought I did, but being here, being forced to leave that out of the conversation has made me aware of just how much of my life truly revolves around my work.
Before, I thought the problem with my dating life was that I never knew if people were drawn to me or to the version I’ve carefully put out into the world as Sparkles.
Even here though, I’m hyperaware of the cameras, and still feel like I need to be “on” all the time, constantly wondering how my followers will react to what I’m doing or saying when this does eventually air. Hoping I don’t let them down.
Joking around with JR has been the only time I’d forgotten about being recorded, when I felt like I was just Kieran, even if I’m still figuring out who that is. I definitely want to talk to them again.
But before I give JR my full attention, I take a few minutes to respond to my other matches about scheduling something tomorrow. I don’t want to write everyone else off this early simply because JR is my clear favorite.
I grab a snack before returning to the couch to get comfortable and reach for the show phone I’d left on the coffee table.
As soon as I unlock it, I see there’s already a message waiting for me.
I laugh under my breath, half relieved I don’t have to be the one to break the ice.
“I was just about to text JR, but it looks like they beat me to it,” I say automatically.
I read the message out loud. “Just checking to make sure my top match survived round two without regret.”
I mirror the texting conversation to the TV like the producers requested, and it hits me again that the cameras are catching all of this. Which means it’s not just JR who’s going to see how I respond.
It was much easier to stay in the moment when I was in the date room, having a conversation out loud in real time. Now, I’m trying to get out of my head as I think of a response to text back, worried I’ll embarrass myself as I attempt to flirt, even if I know they may never use these clips.
The only one who matters right now is JR, I remind myself.
“Guess I don’t need to keep talking out loud if you can see what we’re saying,” I say as I think out a response.
I liked the easy teasing we’d fallen into during our date.
It made me feel like we skipped the awkward introduction phase when first getting to know someone, instead jumping right in to being comfortable enough with each other to joke around. So I attempt the same tone.
KD
Wow, two dates in one day and now texting to confirm I still like you enough to keep talking? I must’ve made quite the impression, huh?
I grin to myself at my reply as I press send. Before I can set my phone down, it buzzes again almost immediately.
JR
You’re still holding on to that top spot in my ranks.
KD
Good, I’d hate to have peaked before day one ends.
JR
Guess we’ll see if you’re still there tomorrow ;)
KD
Sounds suspiciously like you’re saying you want to schedule another date?
JR
I’d love to
I try not to let myself get too carried away.
It’s just day one, and I really don’t know anything about them—just that talking to them feels easy in a way that nothing else here has.
There’s a pull I haven’t felt in a long time, and it feels good knowing this connection is happening with me—the person—first, and not the creator.
KD
Good answer. I’ll schedule one now. See you tomorrow, J.
The next morning, I wake up still thinking about that text exchange, which is annoying because I have another four dates to get through before my date with JR. I make myself breakfast and coffee before getting ready for the day.
Even though my dates can’t see me, the cameras can, so I throw on jeans and a black graphic tee with light makeup—a simple foundation, eyeliner, and mascara combo, and fill in my eyebrows.
With my eyebrow piercing, I’ve learned people’s eyes go there first, and I have no idea how much the cameras plan on zooming in.
“Alright, let’s get these dates started,” I say with as much enthusiasm as I can muster up as I walk into the dating room.
Two of the four dates are actually much easier and more natural than the speed dating round, which is understandable since yesterday was a lot. The other two, well, let’s just say, I’m grateful for the thirty-minute cap.
Finally, it’s JR’s turn, and because we already had a “round two date” last night, we’re officially onto the less structured part of the show, and it’s our first date without a time limit.
“KD?” I hear through the speaker.
“I’m here,” I confirm.
“I’m relieved it’s finally you,” they say, and a smile spreads across my face before I can stop it.
“That bad, huh?”
“I’ll just say, I’m glad this one doesn’t have a clock.”
“Same.” I chuckle. “I’ve needed to use the question cards this morning, but there are actually some good ones in there, and I kind of want to know your answers if you’ll appease me.”
“Always,” they tease. “Could be fun to mix those in.”
I reach for my own stack. “Alright, let’s see… First card: What’s a random skill you have that most people wouldn’t expect?”
There’s a couple-second pause before JR answers. “I can fold a fitted sheet.”
I burst out laughing. “No, you can’t. No one can. That’s a myth.”
“I swear I can. Corners and all. I’ll prove it someday.”
That little implication of someday makes hope bloom in my chest, but I play it cool. “I’m holding you to that. I’ve lived my entire adult life with a fitted-sheet-shaped ball shoved in the closet, and I’m not sure I believe there’s another way.”
“You’re on, K. I’ll gladly prove it to you,” they reply, and I’m already imagining us folding laundry together in the future.
The vision is so much more domestic than any of my other daydreams have been, and that somehow makes it feel even more like a real possibility.
“Okay, your turn, what’s the best non-appearance-based compliment you’ve ever gotten? ”
I lean back, smiling, thinking about some of my YouTube channel comments when I first started and was questioning everything. “Someone once told me I helped them feel brave enough to be themselves. That one stuck.”
“Yeah,” JR says. “I get why it would.”
Those comments changed so much for me and helped me keep going when I really wanted to give up at the end of senior year, but I don’t need to disclose all that right now. I go to reach for another card when JR surprises me with another question.
“So, are you a couch friend?”
I laugh, because I’m almost certain I heard them correctly, but the words don’t make sense. “A couch friend?” I repeat in question.
“Yeah, ya know, the type of friend who you don’t have to worry about actually doing anything with. You can just hang out on the couch, and it doesn’t even matter if you’re talking or working on something separately. You can just be with them and feel recharged by their company.”