38. Kieran
KIERAN
Producer: “What do you think people assume about you, and what are they wrong about?”
Kieran: “People think I’m confident all the time. They see the content, the fans, the interviews, and they think I’m untouchable. But I’m definitely not. I get insecure, I overthink, and my feelings get hurt, just like anyone else.”
Ididn’t think I’d be this nervous on day seven, but I’m sort of freaking out. This morning, Andy’s bubbly face popped up on the TV, telling us to pack up before our final dates. Dates, plural. I completely forgot some people might have their top two picks that they’re still considering.
But JR is it for me. It’s that all-your-eggs-in-one-basket thing. I’ve never actually put eggs in a basket, but I get the metaphor. And right now, the basket feels like it’s holding my entire future. I want this to work out with them so badly.
The producers had me do an interview this morning, talking about the first phase of the show, how excited and nervous I am for my date with JR today, what I think they’ll be like in person, and if I had any guesses on the details that have been hidden up until now.
I honestly couldn’t care less about JR’s gender, appearance, age.
The only thing I can focus on is hoping they feel as strongly about our potential relationship as I do.
I’ve been getting ready for nearly an hour now because this could be the day I meet my future spouse, and I want to look my best.
The alarm on my phone goes off and that means it’s finally time for our last blind date.
I’m trying to stay positive and remain confident that we will take the next step together.
Every interaction we’ve had has felt so easy, so right.
We’ve talked about being each other’s top matches, so I shouldn’t be this nervous.
But I still worry that, despite all that, I won’t be good enough, and that JR would rather be done with the show than commit to being my partner.
Nope, only positive thoughts going into this date.
“Alright,” I say to the cameras in the room.
“My bags are packed. Let’s hope I’ll be moving into a shared apartment instead of heading to the airport.
” I flash a weak smile and I really doubt it’s doing a damn thing to hide how nervous I am.
My stomach feels like it’s packed to the brim with butterflies.
I reach for the handle of the date room and walk inside. “J?” I ask weakly.
“Hey, K, I’m here.”
“Are you as nervous as I am right now?” I blurt out, unable to stay calm.
“You could say that,” they agree, but my nerves are still completely unsettled. “But I think it’s a good thing too. That’s kind of the point, right? Figuring out if we want to take the next step solely based on our connection. It’s a big deal.”
“Right,” I say, twisting my fingers together in my lap.
There’s a pause, and I tense up as panic washes over me. With all my worrying this morning, I never thought that I might actually need to say the words, to be the one to ask if JR wants to live together.
Then JR makes a sound, like maybe they’re clearing their throat.
“K, I know we still have so much to learn about each other, but I feel like we’ve built something special.
I don’t want our connection to end when we leave this room.
I want to get to know all of you. I want those lazy Sundays in bed drinking coffee.
I want to meet your cat and try your tomato soup and see your artwork if you’d let me.
All the other little things we’ve talked about.
I’d really like to continue learning everything about you that I can.
So, what do you say, K, will you move in with me? ”
It feels like all the air is knocked out of my lungs, only to fill back up with happiness. I laugh, and it’s the giddy, can’t-contain-it kind of laugh. I truly can’t help it with how relieved and excited I am. “Yes! Yes, J, absolutely.”
I can’t see them or hear their voice yet, but the voice distortion sounds a bit higher, and I have to imagine they’re feeling the same way I am right now. “I can’t believe we’re doing this, I’m so excited,” they say.
The knot in my stomach begins to loosen just a little, but my nerves are still at an all-time high because we’re going to meet… in person. They’re going to be real.
I meant what I said, I don’t care what they look like. I’ve been far too wrapped up in how special they’ve managed to make me feel. How easy things have been between us and how much fun we have together.
But now that we’re actually going to meet, it’s impossible not to think about appearances, and it’s not them I’m worried about. It’s me.
JR is going to see me and decide if I’m their version of attractive. If I’m what they pictured.
And more than that, JR’s going to have to decide if being with a man who wears makeup is a deal-breaker.
I keep telling myself the connection we have will outweigh everything else, including what they see when they look at me.
But there’s still a small part of me that’s terrified, reminding me of my past and all the hateful internet trolls I still encounter on a daily basis.
There are so many people who hate me for being myself, and I can only hope J isn’t one of them.
Ideally, JR doesn’t just accept it or tolerate the makeup, but likes it. I had makeup on my vibe board, so maybe it won’t be too big of a surprise, but those first few dates already feel like so long ago.
I want them to like me. I want to live up to whatever they’ve fantasized about when picturing our future together. JR is the first person in a long time who’s made me believe I might actually get everything I want, everything I came here to find.
Time feels like it’s slowed down as my anticipation only grows.
“I’ll see you soon,” I finally get out, still shocked that this is actually happening.
“Can’t wait,” J agrees.
When I get back into my apartment, I take a few deep breaths, looking myself over once more in the mirror. There’s a knock at the door and Mitch comes in.
“You ready?” he asks.
“Yeah, I can’t wait,” I tell him.
“Alright, grab your bags, let’s go meet JR.”
I pull my bag behind me, following Mitch into the elevator, leaving the blind part of the show behind.
When we get to room 13, Mitch stops outside the door. “JR isn’t here yet, so you’ll go in first. They’ll be here any minute.”
“Thanks.” Awesome. Now I’ll get to sit here alone with my racing thoughts and anxiety as I wait.
I pull my bag into the room behind me, and this is already the longest wait of my life. Every second feels like a countdown to a new life—maybe even one that looks like the daydreams I’ve been obsessing over.
I want it so badly. I want those fantasies to become plans.
I want couch snuggles and cross-stitching.
I want takeout. I want to meet their uncles.
I want to watch them fold a fitted sheet, and I want them to come to events with me because they want to be there for me, not just to get ahead by being in the room.
If I thought my anxiety was bad going into the last date, it’s got nothing on this moment.
My nerves feel like they can choke me, and I’m not really sure where to wait, so I’m just standing in the main living space of this new apartment, far too nervous to take in any of its details, when I hear footsteps outside the door.
My heart is in my throat. I run my hands through my hair and smooth my shirt as I wait for them to step inside.
It all comes down to this one moment.
This is it.
They open the door, step into view… and my heart breaks.
Again.
Because this isn’t the first time that this man has utterly devastated me.
I’m shocked, horrified, livid. There are so many emotions competing for my attention, and I’m frozen, completely speechless for a moment as I take in who’s standing before me.
The man who used to bully me for wearing makeup.
The man who destroyed my self-confidence junior year.
The man who I thought I had helped come to terms with his sexuality after he showed me who he really was, only for him to send his best friend to threaten me to stay away from him when he was done using me.
I still have no idea what the extent of that threat was meant to be, if David was sent there to get me to stay away by any means necessary. If he was planning to hurt me. The concussion made my memory hazy, but I’ll never forget the anger in his eyes as he grabbed me.
All because this man, who is apparently back in my life and on a queer dating show, couldn’t be bothered to end things with me himself.
This man who I blocked and never wanted to see again.
There’s no way.
No fucking way.
He’s obviously older than the last time I saw him, but his curly brown hair and warm brown eyes that always reminded me of chocolate and seemed so out of place on such an asshole’s face are the same, even if they’re hiding behind a pair of glasses.
And fuck me, because I’m a sucker for glasses.
He’s always been tall, but he’s filled out with a softness that wasn’t there when we were in high school.
Now, he’s got that burly lumberjack look, with a full beard and everything, and he looks fucking delicious.
His shoulders and arms are huge, and he really does look like he’d be an amazing cuddler.
Dammit, of course I’m still undoubtably attracted to him, just like I was back then. But it doesn’t matter because I obviously won’t let myself indulge in him again. I learned my lesson the first time.
Finally, I remember how to speak. “Hell fucking no. This has to be some sort of twisted joke, right?”