39. Jace
JACE
Kieran looks just as shocked as I feel, but it’s clear he knows exactly who I am.
And knowing what I do now, after spending this time talking and falling for who he actually is as a person, it makes it so much worse than if my fascination had remained online because I’ve officially confirmed that Kieran is the man of my dreams.
But the glare he’s aiming my way, framed by edgy, dark purple eyeshadow, makes it clear I could never be that for him.
“Hell fucking no. This has to be some sort of twisted joke, right?” he asks in disbelief, peering around the apartment like he’s expecting someone to pop out and yell “gotcha,” but there’s no one else here. Jay didn’t follow me, so it’s just Kieran and me standing in the kitchen now.
“Fuck, Kieran, I’m so sorry,” I blurt way too loudly, fully panicking that I’ll somehow make this worse than it already is.
I don’t know what to do, but I can’t give up yet.
I refuse, even though I’m sure he wishes I would just turn around and leave or maybe stay so he can slap me.
But I’ve made that mistake before, and this time, I’m not giving up without a fight.
One of my biggest regrets in life was giving up so easily that day when I showed up at Kieran’s house to try to apologize.
I knew he would be upset—that David had threatened him away from me before he hurt him—but I didn’t realize how broken he would seem until I stood on his front porch, my own heart aching at how shattered he looked.
At eighteen, I wasn’t prepared for him to tell me how much I’d already hurt him, to ask me to go so he could “get over me in peace.”
I’d hoped he might have feelings for me back then, and the confirmation that he did—only after I’d already ruined things—was devastating.
I didn’t know how to respond, worried that I’d continue to make things even worse.
I couldn’t handle my own emotions at that point, let alone his.
When Liv doubled down, telling me to go, I gave up, offering a weak apology before sulking back to my uncles.
I was immediately comfortable with Joey and Patrick, and I couldn’t keep it all in any longer.
I spent the entire drive to their place in New York filling them in on what had happened between Kieran and me.
I even texted Olivia asking for Kieran’s phone number, but she must’ve blocked me too because she never responded.
I’m not eighteen anymore, and I might still have no idea what the fuck to say or do right now as Kieran glares at me, but I do know I won’t be given another opportunity to correct those past mistakes.
This is my one and only chance to fix things with the man I’ve thought of every single day for thirteen years.
I need to do whatever it takes to convince him to let me stay.
I can’t walk away like I did back then. “Please, is there any way you’ll hear me out and give me an opportunity to apologize or explain? ”
Kieran looks absolutely pissed, but his eyes are shifting around quickly without focusing on anything, like he’s lost in thought, trying to process how he should handle the situation.
He spins around again, zeroing in on the open doorway that leads into a bedroom before storming off through it, dragging his bag behind him and waving for me to follow.
Okay. This is good. Following Kieran further into the apartment has to be a good thing, right?
He closes the door the moment I enter. “There are no cameras in here because they can’t have footage of people having sex,” he explains with a huff as he paces back and forth in front of the bed.
“Just give me a minute to think… I’m not going to let you embarrass me on national television.
Ugh, I can’t believe I wasted an hour getting ready for you,” he groans, rolling his eyes before dramatically draping himself across the bed, covering his eyes with his forearm.
“You look amazing,” I offer weakly, unable to stop myself from complimenting him because he should know how great he looks.
Kieran’s easily the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, and he’s only gotten better with age.
His brown hair frames his face perfectly, he’s got a sharp jaw, a killer resting bitch face, and it’s the first time I’ve seen his eyebrow piercing and all his new earrings in real life.
He’s so fucking pretty even when he’s glaring at me like he is.
“No need for false compliments,” he mumbles, looking at me again.
“Spit out whatever you feel like you need to say so we can move on and figure out a story to tell the producers that explains why we’re leaving.
I’m going to need you to sign an NDA the moment we get our phones back, too.
I can’t have you making up some awful lie about me to sell to a gossip site for quick cash. ”
“I’ll sign whatever you want,” I assure him, happy that we’re still talking at all and he didn’t slam the bedroom door in my face. “Do people really make up lies about you?”
“All the time.” He sighs, sitting up to look at me again. “Fuck, why did you have to get even hotter with age?”
Wait. What? “You think I’m hot?” I ask in complete disbelief. Kieran knew me when I was at my physical peak. He was very well acquainted with my abs when they were individually defined and not hidden away under some padding like they are now.
But why the hell would he say that if he didn’t think it was true? Is there any chance I might be able to salvage this?
“Don’t fish for compliments, you know you’ve always been hot,” he says dismissively like that’s not the greatest praise I’ve heard in my life.
“Kieran, I know I was a complete asshole to you, and I am so sorry. I know you won’t believe me, but the way I treated you has been the biggest regret of my life, and not a day goes by I don’t wish I would have done things differently back then,” I say, holding his bright blue gaze as I pray to a god I don’t believe in that he’ll somehow forgive me.
“Laying it on a bit thick, don’t ya think?”
“Kieran, you have to believe me,” I reply honestly.
“You hated me, Jace. Made my life a living hell. And let’s not forget how you treated me when you were done with me,” he argues, but I can’t move past the first statement because it couldn’t be further from the truth.
“I never hated you. I liked you too much, that was the problem,” I rush to explain with a self-deprecating laugh.
“I panicked all those years ago. I was confused about why I couldn’t stop thinking about the pretty boy in my class, and I was terrified that someone would find out and tell my dad.
There’s no justification that would excuse how I treated you, but you deserve to finally know the truth. I was so confused back then, K.”
Kieran doesn’t respond. He just stares at me, and his squinted gaze feels like it’s searching my soul.
“Fine.”
“What’s fine?” I ask, not wanting to get my hopes up, but obviously it’s too late for that.
He crosses his arms, leveling me with another intimidating glare.
“I’ll be honest, leaving tonight wouldn’t look good.
Even if I came out with all the truth of the shit you used to do to me, I don’t know what you’ve done on the show so far to win audience support, and I know how powerful editing can be.
They could twist our story to make me out to be the villain, and I already lost the future I thought I was building with JR, I’m not risking my career too.
My reputation is my livelihood, and I’m not letting you ruin everything I’ve worked so hard to build.
We’ll stay in here tonight where there aren’t any cameras, and tomorrow morning, when I’ve had time to think, we’ll make a game plan that allows us to remain in control of the narrative. ”
“Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it,” I quickly agree.
“I know there’s probably no hope of you actually wanting to date me, but the last week talking to you has been amazing.
One of the very best weeks of my life. For what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone I could like more, and I’ll always mourn the life I was picturing with K. ”
Kieran gives me a disbelieving look before shaking his head and standing up from the bed.
He might not believe me, but I’m not going to stop being honest now that I know who he really is.
I have so many regrets about the things I didn’t say to him back then.
I won’t make the same mistakes this time around.
I know it’s not a second chance. He rightfully hates me, and that will always overshadow what we built over the last week, but maybe there’s an opportunity for me to do something right this time around. Whatever he needs from me, I’ll do it without hesitation.
He grabs a suitcase from the corner of the room and quickly unpacks it into the dresser, setting aside what appears to be a silk sleep set and a large toiletry bag. “I’m going to get ready for bed. I sleep on the left side.”
Holy shit. Does that mean he's okay with us sharing the bed? “My bag is out there, should I go get it? Or did you want us to both stay in here until the morning?” I ask sheepishly, worried that one wrong move will have him kicking me out for good.
Kieran rolls his eyes again, but I don’t mind. He has the most fascinating eyes I’ve ever seen, the makeup only highlighting their beauty.
“Stay in here. I don’t want them having any other footage of us to analyze tonight. Our meeting was awkward enough.”
“Yeah, that makes sense,” I agree, nodding. I can just sleep in my underwear or something. “Thanks for not sending me home tonight,” I add with a small smile.
This wasn’t what I was expecting when I pictured my first night with KD, but I’m definitely not mad about it when I still get to sleep beside him.