49. Jace
JACE
Producer: “Do you believe in fate?”
Jace: “I don’t know if I’d call it fate, but I believe some people are meant to be in each other’s lives.”
The next morning, we wake up on opposite sides of the bed.
As much as I wanted to wrap my arms around Kieran last night, to pull his body up against mine, especially after how rough our hookup was, to make sure he was okay and knows how perfect he is…
I’m attempting to respect his boundaries.
He was upset the other day after all the touching in our apartment for the cameras, and I’m still not sure where the line is. So, I’m being good.
For now.
Selfishly, I want more with him; I’m determined to follow through with my plan of somehow convincing him to turn this fake relationship into a real one.
Am I confident that’s going to happen? Absolutely not.
But I’ve already spent the last thirteen years wishing I had done things differently back then, and I’d rather not spend the rest of my life regretting not taking advantage of the opportunity I’ve found myself in now.
If we had met outside of the show, and he’d immediately hated me the way he so clearly did during the reveal, I know I would’ve had no chance of earning his forgiveness.
But, by some amazing twist of fate, we started falling for each other without even knowing who the other was during those blind dates.
I just have to keep reminding myself of that because, if nothing else, the show proved we are a good match.
We chose each other. He agreed to move in with me, hoping we would get married.
I wasn’t pretending to be anyone I’m not while we were talking during the blind portion of the show.
So, I’m clinging to the hope that Kieran can remember that he chose me too.
That I’m JR and not the Jace he remembers.
The blanket shifts as he moves in the bed beside me. “Do you want to talk about last night?” I immediately ask as I turn to face him.
“Nothing to talk about,” he says quickly. “We should probably get a move on, go into the main space with cameras so that we don’t get in trouble again after we ditched the party last night.” He jumps out of bed and heads straight into the bathroom.
That’s fine. I’m not going to let his frustration with our situation get to me. I’m going to focus on how excited I am to be here with him, to have this time together so that even if my plan doesn’t work, I can look back and know I gave it everything I have.
When we make it into the living space full of cameras, I start making breakfast for us again. “So, what would you like to do today?” I ask.
He shrugs, pulling out the makeup the producers dropped off for him and the small camera-and-tripod setup.
“While we were still in the blind dating portion of the show, I shot a special Love Without Labels Get Ready With Me: Isolation Edition. I’ll probably do another Get Ready With Me today,” he says casually as he seems to be cataloging the new products they gave him.
“Holy shit.” I beam, unable to mask my excitement. “Am I going to get to see you record a video?”
He squints at me before slowly asking, “Do you want to?”
He’s obviously skeptical of my answer.
“Hell yeah,” I rush to agree. “I love the behind-the-scenes videos. This’ll be like that, only better.”
“Wait, you actually watch my content?” He sounds completely shocked.
“Yeah, I told you I’m a fan.”
“I thought you meant… like, you’d seen a video once or maybe one of your exes was into it or something and made you watch a few.”
My stomach drops instantly. “Are you against being with a fan? Should I pretend like I haven’t seen them all?” I check, suddenly afraid that something else will come between us.
“I’m not against dating someone who likes my videos,” he answers with a short laugh. “I would hope that whoever I’m with would be supportive, and maybe even enjoy what I do, but I definitely wasn’t expecting that from you.”
I internally cringe at how that sounds, especially coming from him of all people.
“I feel like we should clarify for the cameras that you’re not expecting it from me, because when we first met, I was very much in the closet and afraid of anything that might open the door,” I explain, looking around the apartment because I still have no idea where the cameras actually are.
“Back then, I wasn’t supportive of you, not with how you basically showed up with your middle fingers in the air—metaphorically, of course—to every rule that had been shoved down my throat, and it’s something I’ve regretted ever since.
I basically hated you for it, because I wished I had the guts to stand up to people the way you did,” I admit, looking right at him.
“I really admire how much strength and courage you’ve continued to show over the years by embracing who you are.
You’ve shown so many other people that it’s possible to find happiness as exactly the version of themselves they are or that they’d like to be.
I just don’t want anyone to think that you’re going against what you’ve always stood for.
And for the record, you helped me find my strength too, K. ”
I look back around the apartment before continuing.
“He’s not judging me based on my appearance.
He would never look at anyone and say they couldn’t wear makeup.
His surprise comes from our personal history, not any preconceived notion of the way I might come across to the people watching the show. ”
Kieran is staring at me, wide-eyed, with his jaw hanging open by the time I hurry to finish my long-winded explanation for the cameras.
After a moment, he swallows, straightening up in his chair as he visually pulls himself together.
“Thank you for clarifying that. I wasn’t even thinking about how my comment might come across to the people who don’t know us. ”
“I really have changed since back then. It’s me you were talking to as JR,” I remind him. “If you’d rather call me JR or JJ or something else, I’ll answer.”
“JJ?” he questions. “Do you go by that a lot?”
“Sometimes.” I shrug, not wanting to get into my online presence under that name. “My middle name also starts with a J.”
“I can still call you Jace,” he says dismissively. “I’ve always kind of liked your name.”
“Come on, you have a way cooler name than me.”
We smile at each other for a moment, and it feels like I’ve won something, like we might be back to building something more between us this morning.
As much as I would love to spend the day lost in his gaze, I have to finish making breakfast, and he goes back to separating all the makeup products he has until we move to the table to eat.
“So, what kind of video are you planning for today?” I ask.
“I’m not sure yet. Sometimes I just wait until I’m opening new pallets to see what inspiration strikes.”
“Well, I can’t wait to see.”
“Would you…” he starts, then cuts himself off with a laugh. “Never mind.”
“Would I what?” I push, leaning toward him.
He sighs. “Well, if you really are a fan, then I was going to see if you might want to be in the video. But I don’t want to pressure you. It’s one thing to support me and enjoy my content. I shouldn’t assume that you’d want me to actually do your makeup.”
“You can do my makeup!” I blurt before he can talk himself out of the idea completely.
He blinks a few times, staring at me out of the corner of his eye before he responds. “You really don’t have to. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you on camera.”
“Don’t apologize. I want you to,” I insist, grinning now. “You can’t dangle something like that then take it back.”
He looks at me skeptically, brows furrowed as he tries to find anything other than excitement in my expression. “Seriously? You actually want me to?”
“Hell yeah.”
Finally, he shrugs. “Alright… if you’re sure.”
The smile on my face is huge. “Very sure.”
He sits up a bit straighter. I think he’s slipping into his professional mode. “I’ll do a quick look off camera for myself after breakfast. Then we can get set up to film something. But if you change your mind before we start, no big deal.”
“I won’t change my mind,” I promise. This is perfect.
Not just because the fan in me is screaming, but because it’s the best chance I’ll ever get to prove I’m not the guy Kieran remembers.
High school Jace wouldn’t have touched eyeliner in private, let alone allow someone to put it on him in front of a national audience.
God, I hope my dad sees the pictures. I doubt he will, but if they end up plastered all over social media or promo graphics, maybe he won’t be able to avoid them.
Daddy issues? Apparently still front and center.
I’m not excited about the makeup right now because I think I’ll get the same thing out of it that Kieran does.
I don’t think I’ll feel better about my appearance or feel more confident or creative, or any of the positive impacts he talks about in his videos with finding his inner strength and projecting his truest self to the world.
But I do think it will be a fun opportunity for us and our fake relationship that I’m determined to solidify into a real one. I’m thrilled to have the chance to show him firsthand who I actually am now. That’s what his whole channel is about, isn’t it? Presenting your true self to the world.
Maybe, once he finishes my look, he’ll see me a little more clearly too.
“Hey everyone, welcome back to another special episode of Sparkles’ Tutorials Love Without Labels: Not-So-Isolated Edition! Today I have a very special guest with me, my… partner? Jace.” He motions to me next to him, and I wave at the camera.