Chapter 18 Mile Eighteen
MILE EIGHTEEN
DO IT THEN
Did we almost kiss? Tension thickens the air between us as Garrett and I walk to meet our friends and my brother.
It’s not that delicious connection that buzzed between us at the finish line.
This tension is full of regrets. Whether the emotions of finishing the race or the bond building between us over the last few months, it’s clear we were both in it just now.
We both were leaning in. It’s also clear that neither of us is talking about it.
The brazen confidence I had moments after finishing the race is gone. I’m being a chicken shit again, waiting for him to broach the subject.
Ugh… I’m going to owe future Jensen a special treat for everything she’ll need to deal with tomorrow.
“You did it!” Kayla squeals, slamming into my body for a hug.
“You’re such a boss!” Catherine comes to my other side. She and Kayla sandwich me in a tight clench.
“So obnoxious. You’re going to crush her,” Anker teases.
“Says the man who knocked a drink out of someone’s hand with his arm waving as he was cheering.” Catherine’s taunt is delivered with a side of playfulness.
“Guilty, but it’s hard not to go full cheering soccer mom when your sister runs her first official 10K in under eighty minutes. She’s a badass!”
“Thanks.” Grinning, I look between my friends and Garrett, who remains quiet.
“You did great… Both of you.” Anker taps Garrett’s shoulder with his fist.
“Thanks,” he grunts.
“We got it all on video.” Catherine bumps my hip with hers.
Hopefully not everything. I offer a weak smile.
The fact that Anker hasn’t made a snarky comment about me wrapped around Garrett like a cat in heat makes me suspect he didn’t witness our little moment.
Not to mention, Kayla isn’t subtle. If they knew, she’d have already blurted out a quippy comment about me trying to snog my Mr. Stalker Darcy.
But he’s not mine. Even if we had a moment, Garrett isn’t mine.
I don’t know what the thing that almost just happened means, but what I do know is he’s not looking at me.
A chill zips down my spine from the loss of his focus.
I can always feel Garrett’s attention, and right now I feel nothing except the pit growing in my stomach.
“We only got you crossing the finish line. Anker’s fat head got in the way after that.”
“My head is in perfect proportion with the rest of my body,” he scoffs. “Want your cane, or should I keep it with your spoils, so Garrett and you can do a victory lap to Bread?” He chuckles.
“I’ll take my cane,” I say, knowing that if I’m close to Garrett, the temptation to bring up what just happened will be too great.
It’s best if I avoid this until after our celebratory breakfast. He doesn’t appear to be in a hurry to talk about it, and if I bring it up, part of me worries he’ll call it a mistake or claim turnip rights.
The mix of confusion and worry pulsing inside me makes it too hard to form the words needed to have this conversation.
Right now, I choose a pretend smile while I sit across from him and enjoy what should be our celebratory breakfast with friends.
“Spoils?” I clear my throat.
“Garrett’s gift, the race swag bag, and Wannabee Kerouac’s flowers.”
Miles. I forgot about him. It seems ages since the start line to here.
“Where is Miles?” I tilt my head.
“Not sure. He was with us at the finish line when you crossed and then suddenly said something came up, tossed Anker the flowers, and left,” Kayla shrugs.
It appears someone may have seen what happened between Garrett and me.
The tiniest bit of guilt nips at me. I’m on a romantic sabbatical.
That’s what I told Miles. Those are—were—my intentions.
My confusion aside, it’s clear Miles’s goal today is romantic, and not just friendly, despite his claim.
Even though I know Miles isn’t who I want, I feel bad hurting him.
“That’s a shame,” Garrett says, his tone sarcastic and snide.
“It is. He offered to pay for everyone’s breakfast,” Kayla says with an audible pout.
“I’ll pay.”
“No, Garrett. You’re not paying.” I shake my head.
“Agreed. It’s my treat. This breakfast is to celebrate both of you,” Anker says.
“When you say ‘my treat…” Kayla coos.
“For a woman in Chanel, you never pick up a check,” Catherine teases.
“How do you think I afford Chanel on a professor’s salary?”
“Naturally, I’m buying for our champions and their groupies.” Anker laughs, unfolding my cane and handing it to me. “Your chariot.”
“We prefer entourage,” Kayla quips.
“Not to mention calling cheering women groupies is sexist.” A cheeky grin plays in Catherine’s tut.
“I’ll atone for my casual sexism with bottomless mimosas.”
“Mimosas will have to wait. Today is all about the lattes. It’s a special occasion after all, so we’re drinking Jensen’s favorite to celebrate.” Catherine bumps my hip with hers. “But only two. Doctor’s orders… Right, Garrett?”
The sassiness in Catherine’s lilt makes me wonder if my brother’s head didn’t obstruct as much of her view as she claims.
He clears his throat. “Jensen can have anything she wants.”
Does anything I want include you? I bite back that question.
It’s not just the idea of doing this in front of everyone, so much as the fear of his answer holding me back.
I’m not ready for a girlfriend, especially you.
I’m with someone else, but if I wasn’t, it would never work.
I want a girlfriend, not a project to take care of.
Memories of the past times I asked for what I wanted from men hiss inside me.
“I’m sure she can have anything she wants.” Catherine’s retort is pointed.
Yup, she saw. Arching one eyebrow, I look between my friend and Garrett.
As we walk to the café, my mind wanders to this week’s session with Dr. Nor, the memory drowning out the chatter around me. Do you think the men you’ve picked may reinforce the narrative that you’re not wanted? Dr. Nor’s words play on repeat inside me.
Is my crush on Garrett this? I’d asked that very question to Dr. Nor. Her answer? Maybe, or maybe it’s more. Only you can determine if your feelings for Garrett are real or not.
Stupid therapist and her cryptic answers. For the thirty-dollar copay, it sure would be nice if she just told me what to do instead of leaving it up to me to figure things out.
“Which latte do you want?” Anker taps my upper arm.
“What?” Blinking, I look up at him and then toward our server, who stands, tablet in hand, punching in our drink orders.
“They have a red velvet cupcake one for Valentine’s,” Garrett says, his low timbre quiet. “I know you like the special seasonal ones.”
“Yeah…” I grin as a fizzy sensation sweeps through me. “I’ll have that.”
Warmth envelops me with the sensation of his eyes meeting mine from across the table. Every nerve ending sparks to life between our tethered gazes. It reassures me that we’re still bonded, even with the weirdness of the last twenty minutes.
“Larsen! Marlowe!” A tall man with a rich baritone approaches our table.
“Good god, who is that?” Kayla leans in, her whisper breathy. “He’s the most attractive man I’ve ever seen.”
“Deridder,” Anker says, rising and doing some complicated handshake, fist-bump, slapping-hug greeting.
“It’s Ray Deridder from the hospital,” Garrett says, providing verbal confirmation.
Deridder works at Sacred Heart with Anker and Garrett.
I met him in the ED after Anker’s accident.
Kayla’s reaction isn’t unique. That day, the ED nurses teased that Dr. McSteamy was treating Dr. McDreamy as Ray took care of my brother.
Thanks to the charge nurse, I learned they refer to Garrett as McBroody.
“Ray is, perhaps, the least attractive name for a man who may have just impregnated me with one look.”
“He’ll hear you,” I mutter, elbowing her.
“God, I hope so.” Kayla fans herself with her hand. “I may be rethinking my no hookups rule.”
I snort.
“Deridder, you remember my sister Jensen, and this is Catherine and Kayla,” Anker says.
“Nice to meet you.” He juts his chin towards the table. “Jensen, it’s lovely seeing you again.”
“Nice to see you again, Ray.” The corners of my lips tug up.
“Were you at the race?” Ray asks.
“Garrett and Jensen ran. We’re celebrating. It’s her first 10K, and she killed it.” Anker fist pumps the air.
“Congrats! It was Liana’s first race, so we’re doing the same.”
“Liana?” I tilt my head.
“My daughter. She’s five and ran the kids’ 1K fun run.” He looks over and waves. “Liana, come here, sweetie.”
“Daddy!” Liana squeals, running into his arms.
He hoists her up. “Liana, meet Daddy’s friends.”
He introduces each of us to her. Her bright smile is audible in each greeting. She reminds me so much of Anker as a child—sunshine in motion.
“This is Jensen.” He motions to me.
“You’re pretty,” Liana says in a giggly lilt.
A nervous laugh falls out of me. “You’re so sweet.”
My current state isn’t my cutest. I’ve nixed the cap, since we’re under an umbrella, and my hair is swept up in a messy bun with wild tendrils falling out.
We’d come straight here from the race, so I’m still in yoga pants, T-shirt, and a zip up hoodie to protect from the cool early morning air.
If Liana thinks this is pretty, I need a daily dose of her to boost my self-confidence before I leave the house.
“Sorry.” Liana buries her face into her dad’s neck. “I forgot to not say my inside words out loud again.”
“It’s okay, sweetie.”
“Inside words?” I tilt my head.
“Liana has a habit of saying everything she thinks, so we’ve been working on that.” He chuckles.
“She’ll fit in with this group,” Catherine snarks. “Those three often say the quiet part out loud.” She gestures to me, Kayla, and Anker.
“See, sweetie, it’s all good.”
Kayla releases a quiet sigh. “He just kissed the top of her head. He’s an honest to god DILF,” she whispers.
Stop, I mouth.
He goes on, “Remember saying inside words are okay when they are nice.”