Chapter 13
The summer was flying by. On one hand, Tonka was glad. The Refuge was always packed in the warmer months and he much preferred the slower pace of the winter. But he was also a little sad because fall meant Jasna would be going back to school. He wouldn’t get to spend his days with her at the barn.
Her curiosity was refreshing and inspiring, and she never balked at any of the messier chores that needed to be done with the animals. She’d actually had a blast while using the backhoe to scoop shit out of the corral.
As for Henley, he’d never imagined that being in a relationship would be so…
easy. She was the perfect girlfriend. That didn’t mean she was a perfect person.
She spent too much time worrying about others, she worked too much, was a little too lax when it came to her own personal safety, and had a tendency to put regular chores off so long that by the time they absolutely had to be done, they were almost overwhelming.
Laundry, taking the trash out, doing the dishes.
Tonka shook his head, remembering the last time he’d been at her apartment and saw the sink literally overflowing with dishes. She’d merely shrugged and said there were more important things in life than keeping a tidy house. Like spending time with Jasna.
He couldn’t exactly disagree. He was learning to appreciate each day as it came instead of dwelling on the past.
But still…today was a tough one for him. He was having trouble shaking off his funk.
It was the anniversary of Steel’s death, and it still felt as if it happened yesterday instead of years ago. Memories had bombarded him since waking this morning. He was struggling not to get sucked down into the depression and anger he’d felt nearly every day before starting things with Henley.
Luckily, Jasna was shadowing Hudson for the day and was off planting trees and trimming bushes, so she didn’t have to be affected by his bad mood.
When Tonka realized he’d just yelled at one of the goats for doing what she always did—trying to eat something she shouldn’t—and had smacked Scarlet’s rump a little harder than he should’ve while trying to get her to move faster, he knew he needed to get out of the barn.
The last thing he wanted was his mood to physically hurt one of the animals.
Or to psychologically damage them further than they already were.
He headed for his cabin, needing to be alone.
Tonka hadn’t been there for thirty minutes before his phone vibrated with a text. He’d been sitting on his couch, staring into space, reliving the worst day of his life and second-guessing what he’d done and not done. Looking down, he saw it was from Henley.
Where are you?
He typed out a quick response.
My cabin.
Are you okay?
No.
Can I come see you?
He appreciated her asking first. Taking a deep breath, Tonka contemplated what to say.
On one hand, he desperately wanted to see her.
But he also didn’t want to drag her down into the abyss.
He wanted her to stay the way she was. Happy.
Clean. But she was probably the only person in his life at the moment who could make him feel even the tiniest bit better. He typed out a short response.
Yes.
She didn’t respond, but he knew without a doubt she was on her way.
If the roles had been reversed, nothing would’ve kept Tonka from getting to her.
She didn’t know what today was. Didn’t know what happened, but it didn’t matter.
She’d help him any way she could. And not just because she was a psychologist. Not because they were dating. She’d do it for any of her friends.
A few minutes later, a light knock sounded on his door.
“Come in,” he called out.
Then she was there. Henley didn’t say a word, simply sat next to him, grabbed his hand, squeezed hard, and put her head on his shoulder.
Tonka didn’t know how long they sat like that, but eventually the hold the past had on his tongue began to loosen the tiniest bit.
Without prompting, his mouth opened…and he began to talk.
“When I was in the Coast Guard, you know I had a canine partner. Steel was my best friend. I was matched with him when he was only six months old, and we did everything together. Ate, slept, played, worked. I didn’t go anywhere without that dog by my side.
I could read his body language as if he was speaking English.
“We were on a mission with my friend and co-worker. His name is Raiden—Raid—and his dog’s name was Dagger.
We came up on a suspicious boat and boarded, as we often did.
We fucked up by not waiting for our backup to arrive, but the boat wasn’t that big.
We both thought we could handle whatever situation we found.
But things went to shit from the second we stepped onboard.
Raid was almost immediately knocked unconscious, and I couldn’t order Steel to attack because one of the guys had a gun pointed at Raid’s head.
“They tied me up…and it was then that I learned we’d come across one of the most notorious drug lords in South America, Pablo Garcia. We’d been so cocky. And we were going to pay for it.”
Tonka took a deep breath and stared off into space. He vaguely felt Henley squeeze his hand, and her touch was the only thing that was keeping him from breaking into a million pieces.
“They tortured Steel and Dagger. How fucked up is that?” he asked quietly, agony in his tone.
“Garcia laughed as he hurt them. I won’t go into detail, because it’s not something I can ever talk about again.
I didn’t beg for their lives, knowing it would egg him on more, but even today…
even knowing it would have made things worse…
I hate myself for that. All I see when I close my eyes is Steel’s amber gaze, begging me to help him.
I was his best friend—and he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t doing anything to make his pain stop.
Their legs had been zip-tied together, and they were completely helpless to anything Garcia wanted to do to them.
“Their whimpers and yelps are burned into my brain. And Dagger kept looking at Raid, but he was out cold. It was horrible…and every time I close my eyes, I relive it.” Tonka whispered that last part before clearing his throat and continuing.
“When Garcia got tired of his games, he threw my best friend, my partner, the dog I loved more than life, overboard while he was still alive. He’d tied some weights around them and threw both dogs into the water as if they were nothing more than trash. ”
Tonka heard Henley’s sob, but he pushed himself to keep talking.
“His intention was to do the same to me and Raid, but he didn’t get the chance.
Our backup showed. There was a shootout, and I was hit with some stray rounds, but honestly, I question every day why I survived when Steel didn’t.
Something within me broke that day. And I’m not sure I can ever be put back together completely.
The fact that Garcia is behind bars is the only thing that lets me get any sleep at night.
“People have questioned why I’ve had such a hard time coping with what happened.
They can’t understand why I have such bad PTSD when no one died.
And of course, they mean when no people died.
But to me, watching Steel suffer, seeing his pain, his confusion, was so much more horrifying.
So soul-crushing that I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover.
“I envy Raid. He was unconscious throughout the entire thing. He didn’t see Dagger, didn’t see what that monster did to him. I’m sure he feels guilty enough about that. But I have guilt too.”
When he didn’t continue, Henley asked, “About what?” Her voice wavered, but her grip on his hand never loosened. Not even for a second.
“I used to wish it had been me who was knocked unconscious. So I wouldn’t have had to see what I did.
But that would’ve left Steel alone. And what kind of asshole wishes his friend was the one to see what I did?
I should’ve done something to help Steel, Dagger, and Raid.
But I didn’t. I sat there and let that asshole hurt my best friend. Torture him.”
“You already know if you’d shown him how badly you were hurting, he would’ve been even more sadistic,” Henley said quietly.
Of course Tonka knew that. But it didn’t lessen the guilt still choking him like a yoke.
“And fuck those people who insinuated you shouldn’t be so upset that Steel was murdered.
The fact that you’re still struggling to deal with what happened proves how deeply you loved him.
It doesn’t matter that Steel was a dog. As you said, he was your partner in every sense of the word.
Your best friend. I think I’d be more worried about you if you weren’t having a hard time dealing with his death. Finn? Look at me.”
He didn’t want to. He was falling apart, and he hated her seeing him like this. When he felt her hand on the side of his face, Tonka took a deep breath and turned in her direction.
When he stared into her beautiful hazel eyes, all he saw was sorrow and pain…for him. There was no judgement. No pity. No exasperation. He swallowed hard.
“Hearing what happened helps me understand so much,” she said quietly.
Her eyes filled with tears as she stared at him, but she didn’t stop talking.
“It explains why you prefer the animals’ company to humans.
They can’t hide what they’re thinking or feeling.
They aren’t hiding a black heart like the man you encountered.
And what you went through explains why you and Jasna get along so well. ”
Tonka frowned.