Chapter 13 #2
“Kids are a lot like animals. They depend on us for everything. For food, safety, shelter, comfort. The younger they are, the more they need us. Jasna isn’t five anymore, but she’s still vulnerable.
I think deep inside you recognize that, and you’re doing what you can to teach her, protect her, nurture her…
just like you did for Steel. Jasna’s not a dog, I understand that, but there are similarities that can’t be ignored. ”
Tonka was stunned—because she was validating how he felt the first time he’d seen Jasna.
When he’d compared her to his best friend.
“She’s safe,” he added after a moment. “She’s too young to be as evil as Garcia.
Not that I’m saying your daughter could ever be like him, but I feel more comfortable around her than most adults. ”
A weird expression came over Henley’s face. One he didn’t understand. Until she continued.
“I used to think that people were born a blank slate. They were neither good nor bad. That their environment dictated how they turned out. You know, the whole nature versus nurture thing. I was firmly in the nurture camp. But about four years ago, I was assigned a new client. A boy. He was twelve and his parents were at their wits’ end with him.
He wouldn’t listen to anything they said, he was prone to angry and violent outbursts, and they were actually afraid he was going to do something to hurt either them or their other child, a girl who was four years younger than her brother.
I was determined to get to the root of his issues, to learn how he’d become the way he was. But you know what I found out?”
“What?” Tonka asked.
“Nothing. I found out nothing. He didn’t have any trauma in his past. No abuse, his parents’ marriage was healthy.
He hadn’t lost anyone close to him, wasn’t being bullied at school.
By all accounts, this kid should’ve been happy and carefree, like any twelve-year-old.
But instead, he was…dark. That’s the only word I can use to describe him.
And honestly, he scared me too. He was calculating, manipulative.
Even so young, he knew how to play sick mind games.
And the darkness I could see in his eyes was terrifying.
I talked to Mike, and we agreed he’d take over the kid’s sessions.
I’m ashamed to say that all I felt was relief.
He quit coming several months after that, but he still lives in Los Alamos. ”
She shivered, and Tonka frowned. Then she took a deep breath, wiped the tears off her cheeks, and shifted so she was sitting in his lap. Her arms went around his neck, and she stared into his eyes.
“You’re allowed to feel how you feel, Finn.
Losing Steel was traumatic, and that Garcia guy knew that hurting him would cause you pain.
Don’t let anyone make you feel as if your trauma isn’t as deep or important as someone else’s.
I don’t know if anyone’s ever given you permission to grieve for Steel as much as you would if he’d been a human partner… but that’s exactly what I’m doing.”
Incredibly, those words loosened something inside Tonka.
Her permission, her understanding, gave his feelings legitimacy.
He’d tried to convince himself over and over through the years that Steel was “only” a dog.
That he needed to snap out of it and get on with his life.
But that only made him feel worse. Steel had never been only a dog.
Not to him. And seeing him suffer so horrendously had been the most painful thing he’d ever experienced.
“Thank you,” he whispered, gripping Henley’s waist.
“You’re welcome. And because I am who I am, I have to ask this next thing. Have you talked to your friend, Raid, since it happened?”
Tonka winced. “No. I told you the other day that I was thinking about calling him, but I haven’t yet.”
“I think you should. He may not have been conscious, but he lost his partner too. Dagger, right? I’m guessing he’s hurting just as much as you are. In a different way, but there’s no right or wrong way to grieve for what you’ve both lost.”
Tonka thought about his partner. Raid was goofy.
He was the tallest guy he’d ever worked with.
He towered over people, and if that didn’t make him stand out enough, he had red hair and pointy ears.
He was also a nerd, preferred to sit home and play games on the computer than go out with the guys.
But he was loyal, smart, and he’d been a damn good Coastie.
“He joined a search and rescue team in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains,” he told Henley. He closed his eyes tightly. “Today’s the anniversary,” he admitted quietly.
He felt and heard Henley’s surprised inhalation. “Do you have his number? I bet he’d really appreciate hearing from you,” she replied quietly.
Tonka wasn’t so sure about that, but the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to know what his old friend was up to. Needed to know that he was okay. Especially today.
“I have his number,” Tonka admitted.
“I can give you some space if you want to call him,” Henley said.
Tonka felt her muscles shift, as if she was going to climb off his lap. He tightened his hold and his eyes popped open. “No!” he said desperately. “If I’m going to do this, I need you with me.”
“Okay. I’ll stay right here,” she soothed.
Tonka took a deep breath. Could he do it? Could he call Raid? He hadn’t thought he’d ever voluntarily tell anyone again what happened that day, and yet he’d done just that with Henley.
“Who else can truly understand what you’re feeling better than him?” she asked gently.
She was right.
Without a word, Tonka leaned over and grabbed his phone, which was sitting next to the couch on the end table. He clicked into his contacts and stared at Raiden’s name for a long moment before taking a deep breath and clicking the number.
Bringing the phone up to his ear, he heard it ring once, twice, then a third time. Just when he thought Raid wasn’t going to answer, a deep voice said in his ear, “Tonka?”
“Hey,” he said.
“You all right? Everything good?” he asked bluntly.
“Yeah. I just…I was thinking…you know…because of what day it is…and thought I’d reach out. See how you were doing.” Tonka’s words sounded stilted even to his own ears. This was even harder than he’d thought it would be.
“I’m as good as I can be today,” Raid said.
“I miss Steel,” Tonka blurted.
“Same. Dagger should be an old man right about now. Caring about nothing more than sleeping and chasing the squirrels that dare infiltrate his backyard domain,” Raid answered.
To his surprise, Tonka chuckled. He hadn’t thought he’d be able to find anything funny today.
“Right? Damn. And Steel loved balls so much, he’d probably have a fucking huge trunk full of the damn things by now because I spoiled him so much, couldn’t stop myself from buying a new one every time I was at the store. ”
Henley shifted off his lap, but didn’t leave his side. He moved his arm so it was around her shoulders, and she rested her cheek on his chest.
“Remember when Dagger and Steel snuck out of the room when we were in a meeting? And when we were done and went to find them, they’d actually opened the refrigerator in the break room and had taken out our lunches and eaten every scrap? They didn’t take anyone else’s meals. Just ours.”
Tonka chuckled. He’d forgotten about that. “They were such brats sometimes,” he said.
The next ten minutes were spent reminiscing about both dogs. Surprisingly, it felt…good. Nice to remember the good times, rather than dwell on the bad thing that had happened to them on this day all those years ago.
“How’re you, man?” Tonka asked. “You still with the SAR team?”
“Yeah. Found our two-hundredth missing person the other day.”
“That’s awesome.”
“Yeah. And I’ve got Duke to thank,” Raid said.
“Duke?”
“My bloodhound. You know, I had no intention of ever getting another dog after losing Dagger. Even the thought of it hurt. But then Duke came into my life. He was a tiny puppy, and he’d literally been thrown away in the trash. He’s nothing like Dagger. I think that made it easier.”
Tonka nodded. He knew exactly how his friend felt. He hadn’t wanted another dog either. Taking care of the dogs in the barn was one thing, but he couldn’t imagine ever having another as a partner, like Steel had been.
“Duke’s literally the laziest mutt I’ve ever seen.
Except when it comes to a search or food.
Of course, I used food to scent train him, so that’s probably why,” Raid said with a laugh.
“He slobbers everywhere, sleeps twenty-two hours a day, and he’s exactly what I needed to get my head out of my ass and live again. ”
Without thought, Tonka said, “You need to get yourself a woman.”
Raid chuckled. “Have you?”
Tonka looked down at the woman in his arms and said quietly, “Yeah.”
“You know I live in Fallport…there aren’t exactly a ton of choices when it comes to chicks here,” he joked.
“No one?”
“Well, there’s my pain-in-the-ass assistant,” Raid said with a laugh. “But we snipe at each other more than we actually talk, so yeah, the situation looks kind of bleak.”
Tonka could swear he heard more than irritation in his friend’s voice when he mentioned his assistant, but it had been a long time since he’d seen or talked to Raid, and he might be misreading the situation.
“Anyway, I’m happy for you, brother. I’ve thought about you a lot over the years. Worried about you.”
“Yeah. Same. That situation was fucked up,” Tonka said quietly.
“It was,” Raid agreed. “But that asshole’s behind bars where he can’t hurt anyone else.”
“He’s probably going to get out one of these days,” Tonka warned. “With how crowded the prisons are, I’m guessing he’ll be let go way before either of us are ready.”
“Well, let’s just hope that’ll be a long time from now.”