17. Crystal
17
Crystal
I wake up feeling like last night was a dream and a nightmare all combined into one. Being in the hot tub with Rabbie was too much for me to handle, the things he said to me, the moment we nearly kissed. Which was quickly ruined by everyone joining us outside. It was sobering to say the least, it was like someone had dumped a cold bucket of water on my head.
After almost kissing him, I was terrified. I’ve never wanted something so badly before. I’d been fantasising about kissing him for weeks, but when everyone interrupted us, I froze and panicked. I spent the whole night tossing and turning, overthinking everything and silently cursing myself for my messed-up views on relationships and my fear of commitment. The last thing I want is to hurt him
I don’t know what I was expecting, but his coldness after everyone joined us wasn’t one. I was trying to act cool in front of everyone else, and not draw attention to us. Dylan was the only one who suspected something was up, and even then I didn’t want a lecture from her so I told her nothing had happened. I don’t know how we went from so hot to cold in the matter of moments.
It’s early, and everyone else is still asleep. I toss and turn, feeling restless and anxious, so I slip into my active wear and head downstairs. I need a run to clear my head. Quietly, I sneak out the front door. The sun is barely up, frost still covers the ground, and the birds are just beginning their morning song. The air is fresh and crisp, and I take a deep breath before starting a light jog down the gravel driveway. The autumn leaves remind me of home, and the stillness of the countryside feels oddly comforting. Normally, I’d find the quiet overwhelming. Boston’s constant noise used to drown out my thoughts while I ran, but here, there’s nothing to distract me from them—especially not from thoughts of Rabbie.
I push myself for five miles, but the burning in my legs and lungs barely distracts me from thinking about Rabbie. He’s still at the forefront of my mind. This is exactly why I don’t date—once feelings start to form, I freak out and run. I round the corner and head back towards the house. I push myself to run harder so much so that when I reach the front door of the house I bend over trying to catch my breath.
I make my way inside to the kitchen to grab a glass of water before heading upstairs to shower. That’s when the smell of bacon hits me making my mouth water. Of course he would be in here making breakfast whilst everyone else is still in bed probably sleeping off their hangovers.
I wipe the sweat from my brow, and slow my breathing to a steady pace. I pat my hair down trying not to look like a sweaty mess. He looks up from the pan of bacon and his jade green eyes melt into me. He looks tired, I wonder if he was up all night like I was.
“Good morning,” I finally managed to say.
“Morning,” he stiffens.
I walk over to the kitchen island and grab a glass from the cupboard, I try not to get in his way but he turns and bumps into me. We’re like two awkward teenagers, all shy and timid around each other. I hate it.
“Sorry,” we both say in unison.
He grips my upper arm softly, and my skin begins to burn. I wish things turned out differently last night. The energy between us is palpable, and I can’t seem to think logically around him.
He looks down at his hand resting on me and quickly lets go. He returns to checking on the bacon and eggs that are cooking on the stove.
“How was your run?” He’s trying to make idle small talk, and it makes me cringe because things were never this awkward even when things were ‘professional’.
“Yeah okay, how did you sleep?”
“Fine,” his reply is short and sweet.
I struggle to find the right words to say to him, what is there to say? Maybe it was for the best that things go further because I’ll eventually be returning to Boston.
“I’m going to take a shower, and then I’ll come down for some yummy breakfast,” I give him a soft smile and leave him to stew on his own thoughts.
* * *
After a cold shower, I make my way downstairs to a busier kitchen. Everyone else has risen from their beds and are silently eating their breakfast at the large dining table.
“Good morning,” I lean down and kiss Dylan on the head.
She winces and grabs her head. “Do you have to be so loud?” She grumbles at me.
I find pleasure in this because Dylan has always played by the rule book. She is too prim and proper for her own good sometimes. So to see her hungover gives me a little bit of sadistic pleasure.
I make myself a plate of food that Rabbie had prepared earlier and pour myself a black coffee from the french press. The only seat free is across from Rabbie, I take a seat at the table. He doesn’t look up from his plate as I sit down. I wish he would look at me. I feel last night has messed everything up. Everyone is in zombieland from having too much to drink last night to notice anything weird between us.
“This looks delicious, thanks Rabbie,” I say softly.
He looks up from his plate, and he nods softly accepting my compliment. I don’t know how to feel about his sudden change towards me. Last night he was telling me how crazy I drove him and now he can barely look at me.
I should consider myself lucky because last night would’ve been amazing, no doubt. But I know deep down things could’ve got a lot more complicated than they needed to be. I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that it’s left me feeling a little hollow and empty. I’ve walked away from plenty of guys before but this feels different. Seeing Rabbie’s sullen face makes my stomach unsettled. And now he’s giving me the cold shoulder, and the reality of how much it stings is very eye opening.
I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but Dylan spots the tension between us and frowns at me. All I can muster is a half-hearted smile and focus on my breakfast which I have no appetite for anymore.
I keep reminding myself I need to get this website finished and get back to Boston before things get more complicated. Last night was a close call.
“How’s your head this morning?” Dylan asks, breaking my thoughts.
I look up at her across the table sitting next to Rabbie and her eyes are bloodshot but filled with concern.
“Better than yours, I suspect,” I smirk at her.
She smiles at me and then winces, grabbing her head. She eyes with me suspicion, my best friend knows when something is up. She’s very observant when it comes to tense situations. I just want to curl up in a ball and not have to face the fact that I could be more into Rabbie than I thought.
Dylan gives me a look which I instantly know that she’ll be asking me when we’re alone. Rabbie has retreated into himself and hasn’t made much of a peep since I sat at the table. He finishes his breakfast and stands from the table to wash his plate and stalks off outside. No one else notices his abrupt exit, they’re too hungover and are too busy shovelling food and coffee into their mouths. I take this opportunity to excuse myself and go outside to look for Rabbie.
I wander outside and spot him at the far end of the garden standing by the small creek. I slowly make my way over to him. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to say to him but I’m instantly drawn to him. I want to know what’s going on inside of that head of his. I stand beside him, and he stills. I don’t say anything, we both look down into the clear water of the creek. Things are awkward between us since our near kiss in the hot tub last night, and I hate it. The silence is making my skin itch.
“I–sorry you go,” we both stumble over our words talking over one another.
I can feel my face flushing, and I want to run from this awkward conversation.
He rubs the back of his neck, and his face strains. We both look back down into the water, not saying a word.
“How are you feeling?” I finally ask him.
“Aye, probably better than them lot inside,” he doesn’t look up at me, he kicks a small rock into the water.
“Yeah things got a little out of hand last night, I had fun though,” I try to leave a subtle hint that I didn’t regret our moment in the hot tub.
“Aye, about that. I’m sorry I came on to you like that. It’s very unlike me. It was a momentary slip of judgement. I’d had too much wine and you’re a beautiful woman. Mix that with a hot tub and something was bound to happen. I think it was probably for the best that we didn’t kiss,” he says softly. He still doesn’t look at me, his Adam’s apple bobs up and down.
I suddenly feel cold.
“Don’t get me wrong, you’re amazing, and stunning. But, you’ll be leaving soon so I think it’s best we stay friends and not complicate things,” he finally looks at me with his jade green eyes.
Friends, there’s that word again. I want to crumple up in a ball from the embarrassment. I don’t know why this feels like a punch to the stomach because I’m meant to be the casual one. I try to play it cool, and not let Rabbie see the disappointment written all over my face.
“Don’t worry about it. Let’s forget it happened,” I force a smile, and nudge his shoulder.
He slumps a little from the contact, and I retreat back to give him some space. Raindrops start to fall from the sky, and he tilts his head towards the sky and closes his eyes. I wish I could know what’s going on inside his head. When he opens them again, and looks at me I swear I see a hint of regret in them. Is that from nearly kissing me or not kissing me at all? The question is on the tip of my tongue.
“Thanks, Crystal. Come on, let’s get out of this rain before we get soaked.”
He sounded very formal, and not at all like the Rabbie I was starting to like. He turns and starts to walk back to the house.