18. Rabbie
18
Rabbie
I feel like an idiot for acting the way I did the morning after nearly kissing Crystal. I brushed it off like it meant nothing, and that it was for the best we didn’t kiss. When in reality all I could think about was kissing her. We spent the rest of the weekend being awkward with one another, and avoiding being alone together. It was torture enough that I was locked up in a cabin with her all weekend, but then we had to return back to Crossmackie and continue spending time with each other there. I felt like I deserved it for acting like a coward and not going for what I wanted.
Crystal has hardly said two words to me since we spoke in the garden, and the group hasn’t picked up on the awkward tension between us. I silently hate myself all weekend for being the way I am. The insecurity and self-doubt that Crystal is actually interested in me, and that she might leave me one day eats away at me. Why can’t I be a normal guy and not think everyone is going to leave me? Crystal did make it clear that she would never live in a small town again, and I would never live anywhere else than Crossmackie. I keep telling myself it was for the best that things didn’t get complicated, but why do I feel so down about it.
I scrub my hand down my face, as we drive in silence through the winding roads. I hate this weird tension between us, I wish it could go back to the way it was before we nearly kissed.
It’s starting to get really cold now in the Highlands, I reach to turn the heat on in the car when our hands collide. A zap of energy pings through my body. Crystal snaps her hand back like she just got a static shock. We both give each other a sheepish smile. I can hear my heart beating in my ears, I take a deep breath to slow it down. I look over at Crystal and she’s looking out the passenger window. Her long, copper hair catches the sunlight. Her hair is the most beautiful shade of deep bronzy orange, it almost looks metallic. I badly want to reach out and tuck a stray strand behind her ear, but I grip the steering wheel tight to distract myself.
The drive back to Crossmackie felt twice as long with the weird energy in the car, but we finally pull into the parking space behind the cafe. I jump out of the car not being able to stand another second of awkwardness between us, and I grab our bags off the back seat.
“Oh, you don’t have to get my bag Rabbie,” Crystal tries to protest.
“Dinny be daft,” I smile at her.
She looks up at me from her big green eyes, and I falter a little bit. We’re standing so close together I can count the freckles on her nose. She smells so sweet, and my mouth begins to water at the thought of tasting her lips. I’m about to tell her that not kissing her was a mistake and that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her in her sheer black bra, but she steps back, creating a waft of cold air sobering me up from my lustrous thoughts.
I’m so distracted by trying to act cool around Crystal that I don’t notice a small older woman standing near the back door of the cafe. The woman looks nervous, and is shifting on her feet. She looks withered and frail, and I have to blink a couple of times for my brain to register who the woman is. My mouth becomes dry, and a lump in my throat is forcing its way up and I think I’m going to be sick. My legs wobble, and I stagger. Crystal steps in besides me, and a look of concern is written all over her face.
“Rabbie, are you okay? You’re very pale,” she asks, her eyes searching my face.
Her arm wrapping around my waist is weirdly comforting, but it does little to ease the sweat that has broken out all over my body. I try to steady myself, and take a deep breath.
Crystal looks over at the older woman, and I feel her body stiffen as she realises who the woman is. Crystal’s body begins to vibrate next to me, and I see the frown deepen on her face. A hum of protectiveness radiates from her, and it makes me feel safe with her next to me.
She still has her arm around my waist as the older woman approaches us.
“Hello, Rabbie,” the older woman says as she wrings her fingers together.
My mouth feels like it’s stuffed with cotton, and I find it hard to speak.
“Mum? What are you doing here?” I croak.
Crystal tightens her grip around me as she stares at my mum with an apprehensive look.
I can’t believe my eyes, the woman standing in front of me isn’t the woman I remembered. The woman I remember was young, and healthy looking with beautiful long dark hair. This woman standing in front of me looks weathered and ashen with greying hair and wrinkles making her look a lot older than she is.
She looks tired and nervous, but it does nothing to comfort me. What is she doing here after all these years? The little boy in me is hopeful that she’s finally realised that she’s missed me and is here to see me.
“I came to see you. I need to ask you a favour,” she says, not looking at me.
My heart drops. Of course, there’s always an ulterior motive with my mum. She always has an agenda when she turns up out of the blue every couple of years. I don’t know why I keep getting my hopes up.
Crystal scoffs and her grip on me tightens even more. My mum’s eyes shoot up to Crystal. A look of disapproval crosses my mum’s face but Crystal doesn’t back down.
“This must be your girlfriend,” my mum says in a dry tone.
I feel Crystal tense next to me, but I squeeze her side and she relaxes in my grip.
“No, this is my friend. Crystal, this is my mum, Susie.”
Crystal makes no effort to be polite and doesn’t exchange any pleasantries, she just looks at my mum in disbelief. There’s a moment of awkward silence between the three of us.
I’m still in shock to see my mum in front of me after all these years, it feels like I’m imagining things. I’ve dreamt of this day since I was a wee lad, and I never thought it would happen. A small part of me has been hoping for this day, but now she’s here standing in front of me I feel numb. She’s not here to see me, she wants something.
“What’s the favour you want to ask?”
She looks down at her shoes, and fiddles with the strap on her handbag.
“Me and your dad have split up, and I need a job. I heard you were the owner of Sweet Treats now and I was wondering if you’d give me a job.”
The mention of my dad has my palm sweating, and the fear bubbles away in my chest. As a wee lad he was terrifying to me, always towering over me, shouting down at me telling me how useless I was. His stale cigarette breath would always make me feel sick. Crystal squeezes my side, and I realise I’m physically shaking. I didn’t think as a grown man that I would be scared of my dad, but clearly I am. My mum looks around us, she’s still shifting on her feet and it’s like she needs to be somewhere and wants an answer from me.
“You’d really be helping me out?” She prods more.
I can’t decide whether to be pissed off or impressed at the nerve she has to ask me for a job. I’m struggling to find the right words, too shocked by how she sprung this on me. The fact that she’s here for a job, and not to actually see me, takes me right back to when I was a wee lad, watching her show up at my nan’s house to just ask for money. I open and shut my mouth, but no words come out.
“You’ve got to be kidding? You show up after years of not seeing Rabbie, and offer no apology or explanation as to why you left him. Then you have the cheek to ask him for a job, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of. He owes you nothing, he’s created a life for himself and a successful business. And he has himself to credit for that,” Crystal rips into my mum.
My mum blinks in shock and her mouth forms a flat line, and she looks to me for guidance. I think she’s expecting me to stick up for her but I don’t. Crystal said everything that I’ve been too scared to say. I can feel Crystal shaking next to me, I squeeze her waist and she sinks into me.
She fits so perfectly next to me, and I’m glad she’s with me otherwise this conversation would’ve gone differently. I could cry from the protective energy she’s showing.
My mum sighs and her shoulders slump.
“Aye she’s right, I’m sorry I left you with your Nan. It’s the biggest regret of my life but I had no choice. You know what your dad is like,” she pleads.
My heart cracks a little, and the sympathy is slowly creeping in. I blink back tears, the memories come flooding back and all I want to do is run away and never talk about the past. It’s too painful.
“You did have a choice, and you picked him over your son,” Crystal bites back.
My mum looks at me with teary eyes, “Aye, I’m sorry, I know it’s taken me so long, but I want to start fresh.”
My head is starting to feel fuzzy from the tension of the weekend, and now my mum showing up has got me wound tight. I feel I could snap at any moment.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t give you a job mum,” I barely get it out.
Her head dips, and she scrapes her scuffed shoe on the gravel. Crystal looks up at me and gives me a small nod of approval. I feel terrible for not giving my mum a job but Crystal made a point. She can’t turn up out of the blue with no explanation and expect me to give her a job.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come in the first place,” she swipes a tear and rushes off leaving me and Crystal standing there in shock.
I watch as she scurries off down the street. That’s not at all how I thought I would see my mum again. The adrenaline of the encounter is wearing off and I feel exhausted, mentally and physically. Crystal turns to face me, and she wraps her other arm around my waist and hugs me tight. I melt into her, and let out a shaky breath I’d been holding in. I rest my chin on the top of her head and let all my worries melt away. I feel safe when she’s here, and I’m glad she is otherwise I’d be spiralling out of control.
We stand there in each other’s embrace, not saying a word. Her face is flat against my chest, and she’s taking slow controlled deep breaths.
“I know this isn’t professional, but I had to give you a hug because you’re still a friend,” she looks up at me.
I shake my head, not being able to find the words.
“Are you okay?” She looks up at me, her eyes searching my face for any telltale signs.
“Aye, I think so.”
She rests her head back on my chest, and I start to relax now that my mum has gone.
“I’m sorry for going off, I don’t usually speak to people like that. I know you’re a grown man and can fight your own battles but I could see you sinking, and I felt the need to protect you. The shit she put you through, and to not acknowledge it. That wasn’t going to fly with me,” she looks up at me with a frown.
A small smile tugs at my lips. She looks so cute when she frowns, and seeing that fiery side of her has me feeling hot all over.
“Don’t be sorry. You said what I wished I had the balls to say all these years. ” I admit with a nervous laugh.
Crystal’s face softens, and she rests her head back on my chest. I wish we could stay like this forever, the weird tension between us suddenly feels stupid in the grand scheme of things.
“God, Rabbie. I’m so mad for you,” she admits.
I laugh into the top of her head. I’m glad she’s here, there was something relieving about that way she was there for me. The way she didn’t hesitate to jump into protective mode has me feeling a certain type of way. I break the embrace, and grab her shoulders and look into her beautiful green eyes.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” she softly smiles at me.
The tension between us is back, and it feels good that the weirdness has gone between us. I’m still shaking from the encounter with my mum but having Crystal here has stopped me from overthinking the situation. We’re standing so close, I can feel the heat radiating off her. I have the overwhelming need to kiss her soft lips. I could, but I’m too scared to make the move.
She’s leaving soon, don’t be a fool in thinking she’d stay for you.
I sigh and take a step back. She looks down at her feet, and sighs too.
Fuck, when did I become such a coward?
“Come on, I need a dram of whisky after that,” I grab our bags.