23. Crystal
23
Crystal
I spotted Rabbie as soon as I walked in the hall. I was hoping I’d feel nothing when I saw him. But seeing him wearing a kilt, standing tall above most of the hall with his messy blonde hair was hard. I’m wearing his clan’s tartan. I picked it out as a surprise the day before we went up to the cabin. We hadn’t even kissed at that point, but I thought it would be nice to show my appreciation for him by wearing his clan’s tartan.
I knew that Dylan was wearing the MacTavish tartan and Fiona would be wearing her own clan’s. But, after last night I feel like an idiot for wearing it. I tried to get out of wearing it, but I didn’t want to raise too many questions with the girls.
The girls ditched me as soon as they saw the boys, but I wasn’t going to make it that easy for him.
I saw a group of the locals who I’d got to know in passing as they were regulars of the cafe. They waved me over as soon as the girls went to the bar. They were a nice group, a mixture of guys and girls. One of them who I’d seen a few times around the village introduces himself. I’d caught him staring at me a few times when I’d see him in the cafe or at The Drunken Duck. He was okay to look at, but he’s got nothing on Rabbie. He’s a lot shorter than Rabbie, only just skimming my height by a couple of inches, and I’m short. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but I like my men to tower over me. He has buzzed brown hair, and brown eyes, there’s nothing striking about this guy at all. I’ve already forgotten his name. He’s holding out a glass of whisky for me, I look down at his smallish hands. If I accept this drink from him, he’s going to think I’m interested in him.
This is a dangerous game to play, because I’m not interested in this guy, not even in the slightest. And I don’t want to lead him on, but I also want to mess with Rabbie a little bit. I can feel Rabbie’s stare burning into the side of my face from all the way across the room. I look over at him, and a small seed of satisfaction starts to bubble away inside of me.
I’ve never seen him like this, he’s usually the happy-go-lucky guy with a smile on his face when he’s around his friends, but tonight he looks moody and annoyed. I take the whisky from the guy with the biggest smile I could muster, and take a sip of the drink. He smiles at me, as he steps in closer to dance with me. I see Rabbie’s shoulders tense as he downs the rest of his beer, his face is blank as he turns his back to me to get another drink from the bar.
Great, now I’m stuck with this rambling drunk, who’s getting a bit too frisky for my liking. I try to break off from this guy and join the group I’m with to make it look like we’re all dancing together, but this guy keeps shimmying up to me. He clearly isn’t getting the hint. I glance over at Rabbie, and his face is like stone. I can see Dylan trying to talk to him but his eyes are glued on me. Usually he gives people their undivided attention, but his attention is on me. I’m not proud of it but I’m a little satisfied that I’ve gotten under his skin.
After the humiliation of last night, I just want to let my hair down and have fun. I wish I was dancing with Rabbie, and not this guy. His stale breath is making me gag every time he breathes on me. He puts his hands on my hips and I try not to look like it’s made me super uncomfortable. His hands feel wrong on me, they don’t come close to Rabbie’s large beautiful hands, not one iota.
I look over at Rabbie, and his face is like thunder. He finishes his drink and puts it on the bar behind him. He excuses himself from the group and starts to make his way through the crowd. I can feel the anger radiating off him as he slowly stalks through the crowd towards me. My stomach bottoms out, and my mouth goes dry. I’ve never seen him this pissed off. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him pissed off about anything.
He’s so close to me, I can smell his musky scent. It fills my nose, and I try to keep some composure. I don’t know how this is going to go.
He’s about to storm over when his mom stops him. Where the fuck did she come from? She just popped up out of the blue. Rabbie stops in his tracks, and looks down at his mom. His face has gone pale, and I see his eyes dart to the exit. He’s in fight or flight mode. He shifts uncomfortably on his feet, and I hate that I’m not over there with him. The pained expressions across his face tells that it’s not a pleasant situation for him. He isn’t saying much, not that I can hear anyway. They’re deep in conversation, I can’t hear them over the loud music. Guilt drowns me as I look at him. What am I doing?
Andy. Antony. Whatever his name is, grabs me and twirls me around so fast that the dram of whisky I had to drink nearly makes a reappearance. I try to focus on Rabbie but I’m so dizzy I can’t see straight. I’m giggling from the heady feeling, when I collide with something rock solid.
I slowly look up to a smouldering Rabbie looking down at me, his nostrils flaring, his chest rising.
“Mo beag. What are you doing?”
He looks down at me with a murderous glare. I didn’t see him finish his conversation with his mom. I want to ask him if he’s okay, but I’m still mad at him. He’s waiting for me to answer. Good, he’s finally getting a taste of his own medicine.
“Having fun , what does it look like,” I emphasise the word fun.
Rabbie is standing close enough to me, I can feel him shaking with anger.
The touchy feely guy grabs my wrist and tries to pull me back to dance with him. Rabbie stares him down.
“Fuck off, Anderson.” He snaps.
“Alright, Rab. Jesus, I was just dancing with her.” The Anderson guy shoots him a glare.
Fuck, I hope this doesn’t turn into a fight. I’ve never seen Rabbie talk to anyone like that, or even raise his voice. I don’t know why but it kinda turns me on. The Anderson guy lets go of my wrist and disappears into the crowd with his friends. I’m a little relieved that he’s finally gone, I wasn’t sure how I was going to get rid of him.
I don’t want Rabbie to know that I’m relieved that he’s just rescued me, I’m still mad at him. I glare at him and try to look as if I’m pissed off at him for ruining my fun with the Anderson guy.
“Rabbie. I was having fun dancing with him,” I huff.
“Not whilst you’re wearing my clan’s tartan, you’re not,” he steps in close to me.
“You don’t own me.”
“I technically do when you’re wearing that tartan,” he runs his finger under the tartan sash across my chest. His closeness leaves me speechless, he looks so handsome in his kilt and I’m trying to keep my cool, but my words fail me.
He gently grabs my hand and tries to pull me to the side of the dance floor. I see people out of the corner of my eye looking over at us. I can tell he’s trying not to make a scene, but I’m too mad at him to care about that.
“You could’ve owned me last night, but you were too chicken shit,” I hiss at him. I yank my hand out of his. I regret it the moment I did because his hands make me feel all types of things, one of them being safe.
He steps even closer to me now, I can feel his breath on my face as I look up at him.
“Crystal,” He says my name with warning.
I know he’s furious because he never calls me by my first name.
I cross my arms like a child having a tantrum. “I wouldn’t have worn it if you were going to go all clansman on me.”
I keep prodding him for a reaction, I need something from him. I need to know that he wants me as much as I want him, even after last night.
“What’s wrong? Are you jealous that I was dancing with another man? If I remember last night correctly, you’re the one who backed out. You don’t get to tell me who I can’t dance with. You don’t want me, you’ve made that perfectly clear.”
He steps even closer now and we’re practically flush against each other, he looks down at me, and I see hurt in his eyes.
“I never said I didn’t want you,” he chokes out.
Well, shit.
People are craning their necks to look over at us, we’re face to face on the dance floor, and it’s obvious we’re having a heated discussion because we’re the only ones who aren’t dancing. Rabbie gently grabs my wrist, and pulls me through the crowd towards the exit.
I don’t give shit about small town gossip anymore, most of the villagers are staring at us, and taking quick glances over their drinks to see us bickering. I let him lead me outside into the cold crisp air. The air hits me in the face and suddenly makes me feel completely sober. I mean I only had one whisky, I wanted to keep a clear head for when I saw him.
He leads me away from the door of the parish hall, and down the side of the old stone building. He finally lets go of my hand. He swipes a hand through his hair as he looks around. I don’t know what he wants from me, I’m getting sick of trying to figure him out.
“Rabbie.”
His eyes finally snap to me.
“I’m so mad at yo–”
I can’t get out what I wanted to say before his hands are cupping my face and his lips are on mine. He kisses me hard with need, and I can’t help but melt into him. He moans as he grips my face. He slows down the pace, and his tongue swipes mine as he kisses me tenderly. I feel heady from his kiss, he’s so intoxicating. His hands are tangled in my hair and he gently pulls as he brings me closer to him. I’m too lost in the moment to remember why I’m mad at him, but then I’m suddenly reminded of last night. The humiliation I felt straddling him in my bra whilst he pushed me away.
I’m in deep shit. This man has me in a serious choke hold, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m trying to remain focused on why I’m so pissed off with him, but it’s hard when he kisses me like this. I’m trying to understand what’s going on in his head and have some patience with him, but then I’m reminded of the embarrassment I felt last night after he pulled away again.
I plant my hands on his firm chest, and break the kiss. A frustrated groan escapes his lips as he leans his forehead on mine. I can hear the turmoil in his head, the push and pull game he’s playing with himself is plastered on his face. He’s not getting away with what he pulled last night so easily.
“You can’t just drag me outside and kiss me like that, especially after last night,” I try to catch my breath.
I push him softly away from me. I need to create some space between us otherwise I’ll cave. He looks at me with sympathetic eyes, and I want to crumple at his feet and forget about last night, and the night in the hot tub.
“Last night was so humiliating, the rejection.” I look away from him, I can’t look him in the eyes.
“Mo be–” He tries to say, but I hold my hand up, cutting him off.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
I don’t want to relive last night, I’ll cry again if we keep talking about it. His sad tormented face was all I could see when I closed my eyes. He steps in closer to me now, our bodies are inches apart. I want him, but fuck I’m so mad at him.
“I’m sorry, I freaked out. I know it’s not an excuse. My head is messed up in so many ways. I wish I could explain to you the things that go through my mind,” he runs a large hand over his face.
“Explain to me, I want to understand.”
He looks away from me, biting his lip. Just when I think that he’s going to clam up and completely shut me out.
“It’s hard for me to be spontaneous and casual with people, especially women. I’m beyond terrified that if I allow myself to get slightly involved with someone then they will eventually end up leaving me. I can’t take someone leaving me again, so I’ve built up this wall and I keep people at arm’s length. In my early twenties, all I would do was casually date women, but then they always wanted more and I couldn’t give it to them, so then I eventually just stopped dating altogether.”
He still doesn’t look at me, but I know he wants to say more so I wait patiently for him to speak.
“But you came waltzing into my cafe with your bubbly, carefree personality and I craved something. I craved to be spontaneous and casual, but every time it came to it I choked up and got in my head. I’m sorry about last night. Fuck, you have no idea how much it killed me to see that look on your face, and to know I made you feel that way, I’ll never be able to apologise enough.” He finally looks at me now, and I see the remorse in his eyes.
“I tried to tell myself that one time with you would be enough, but one time with you will never be enough.” He reaches out and the pad of his thumb brushes my lip.
Fuck.
I’m very rarely lost for words, but he has me stunned to silence.
Then seeing you tonight looking so beautiful in my tartan colours, with thistles in your hair. Fuck, I wanted to get down on my knees in that hall and beg you for your forgiveness for being a fool. The pure jealousy I felt watching you dancing with Angus fucking Anderson. I couldn’t stand another second,” he sighs.
He places his large hand at the base of my neck, he has a firm but gentle grip on me. I’m trying my hardest to stay mad at him. But with every second that passes the anger dissolves and I finally understand why this has been so hard for him.
“Mo beag, I’m sorry.” He nudges me with his head.
“Rabbie,” I sigh.
I don’t know what to say, and I definitely don’t want to make a move. I’m too burnt from last night. I can’t take another rejection from him.
He interlocks his fingers with mine, his large hands make me feel safe. His head is still resting against mine. I let out a long sigh, and as if he can read my mind he keeps talking because I still don’t know what to say.
“I know. I’m fucked up in head. I’m scared that you’ll leave just like she did,” he nods his head towards the hall.
I saw his mum corner him as he was making his way over to me. I could see how uncomfortable he was talking to her. I want to ask him about it but this isn’t the right moment.
“You haven’t even given me a chance to stay,” I say softly.
He frowns at me, and I can see he’s thinking this over.
“You’ve told me that you hate small towns, and serious relationships.”
“Yes, but.”
“But, what?”
I sigh, this is all too serious. I have to remind myself that when someone who’s gone through something as traumatic as Rabbie has, I need to be a little bit more compassionate and understanding to his thought process. I know he isn’t exactly asking for a serious relationship, but he’s asking for reassurance.
“But, whatever happened to just seeing where things go? I would never leave you the way she did. If things don’t work out, then at least we can say we had a good time trying. I don’t want to put all my scones in one basket before we’ve seen each other naked.” I let out a shaky laugh.
The signature Rabbie smile finally reappears, and he lets out a loud laugh. His shoulders relax, and I feel the stress and anxiety melt away.
“Your little pyjamas leave little to the imagination about what you’d look like naked,” he smiles as he bites down on his lip.
“Oh yeah? Well neither does seeing you in a towel,” I smile back.
He dips down so my eyes travel up to his big beautiful eyes, his face is still slightly sullen.
“I’m really sorry about last night, I never wanted you to feel like that. That will be one of my biggest regrets not acting in that moment. I hope over time you can forgive me for being a fucking fool.” His face is serious, and I can see the regret in his eyes.
His jade green eyes twinkle against the fairy lights outside the parish hall, and I start to slowly forgive him. He’s so sensitive, so complex, and so handsome.
“I’ll understand if you don’t want anything to do with m—”
I grab him by the shirt and kiss him with need. I’m done talking about this, about our fears of commitment, about what could happen between us. I want to live in the moment even if just for one night. I’m willing to take that risk. We’ve played this back and forth game for too long now.
He kisses me back hard and a small groan rumbles in his chest. He wraps his strong arms around my waist and lifts me slightly off the ground. Our bodies are pressed up against each other. I can feel his heart beating hard against my breasts. Our kiss is passionate and leaves us both breathless. He slowly puts me down on the ground but doesn’t take his hands off me. He looks down at me with a seductive smile, and my knees nearly buckle.
“Do you want to go back inside?”
I hear a slight lack of enthusiasm in his voice about going back into the hall as he looks at me with sultry eyes. I feel the burning desire slowly engulf me, and my skin is so sensitive the light brush of his fingers on my face drives me crazy.
“No, I don’t want to go back inside,” I barely get about, before he’s eagerly dragging me away from the parish hall and back to the cafe.