22. Rabbie
22
Rabbie
I wake with a pounding headache, did last night really happen? Her straddling me, kissing me hard, her grinding against my painful erection, the rush. Me pushing her away. Fuck. Her words repeat in a loop in my head. “Stop letting what happened in the past dictate your life.” I hardly got any sleep last night, I should’ve gone after her and apologised for being a dick but the past froze me in fear. The disappointed look on her face. Who the fuck pushes a beautiful, caring woman away? Me. That’s who.
I roll over in bed with a groan, palming my eyes, I try to rub the headache away. How am I going to face her? This is a fucking mess. It’s the St. Andrews day party tonight and I’d rather curl up in a ball and not have to face my problems.
Crystal.
My mum.
It’s too much.
After what feels like a lifetime, I peel myself out of bed and venture out into the flat. It’s still early, and I expect to find Crystal in the living room but she’s not here. I’m partly relieved and disappointed. The cafe is closed for the day because it’s a public holiday in Scotland. I don’t know what to do with myself, usually baking takes my mind off things but I’ve baked all my orders for the public holiday. I finally get dressed and make my way downstairs into the kitchen. I make myself busy for the morning by doing a stock take of my ingredients and cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom. My head is still on Crystal. I expect to see her throughout the morning but I don’t.
I’m scrubbing the oven for what feels like the third time, deep in thought about how much I’ve fucked up when Cam and Hamish come bursting through the backdoor of the cafe. Both of the MacTavish brothers are decked out in their clan’s tartan and traditional kilts. Everyone in Crossmackie usually wears their tartans for our patron saint’s day.
“There you are,” Cam says.
“Where else would I be?” I say sarcastically.
“Smart arse,” Cam laughs.
I’m not really in the mood to be around anyone but I know the boys will never let me skip out on St. Andrews day, we always spend it together.
“Where are the girls?” I try to act as if nothing is wrong.
“T–they’re getting ready together at Thistle Down,” Hamish stutters.
I should’ve known Crystal would’ve gone to Thistle Down Farm. I want to know how she is, but I don’t want to risk the boys asking me a million questions.
“Come on, the party starts soon.” Cam tells me.
“Okay, let me shower first. I have a bottle of whisky in the flat. You can have a dram whilst you wait for me.”
* * *
After I’m showered and dressed in my kilt, we make our way down the main street towards the parish hall. I don’t usually like to wear my tartan because I feel like I don’t truly belong to my clan. But we always wear our kilts on St. Andrew’s day.
I don’t feel like drinking tonight but I know the boys will be forcing drinks on me. There’s a few people on the main street celebrating, the vibe is always merry on St. Andrew’s day. The sun has set, and the street is lit up with fairy lights. It’s beginning to feel like autumn is on its way out and winter is fast approaching.
My nerves are running wild as we approach the parish hall. I hear Scottish folk music coming from inside and the sound calms me a little. Crystal is still on my mind. I don’t know what I’m going to say to her when I finally see her.
We enter the hall to find it packed with the whole town. The hall is decorated with Scottish flags, and lots of fairy lights. It’s dark in here, the stage is softly lit as the folk band plays. Bagpipes, fiddles, guitars and drums fill the air with merry music. People are dancing and drinking away. Singing and laughter echo around the hall, I see a lot of happy faces floating around. Mac has a small bar set up in one of the corners and the parish committee have a small food stall next to his serving traditional Scottish food. I made them a batch of scotch eggs, pie and sausage rolls for tonight.
I scan the hall to see if I can see a certain redhead but I can’t see her anywhere.
“Come on, let’s get a drink,” Cam slaps me on the back.
“Aye.” I follow him through the crowd.
We make our way to the little bar that Mac has set up and order a round of drinks. I barely sip mine. I want to keep a clear head for when I eventually see Crystal, even though I still have no idea what I’m going to say to her. The look on her face last night is seared into my brain. I’m a fucking idiot, who the fuck pushes away someone like her? She’s right, I am scared.
I take a sip of my beer as I scan the room.
“There’s my braw laddie in his kilt,” My nan comes rushing over to me.
I’m surprised to see her, she never comes to these gatherings anymore because she always says she’s too old.
“Nan, what are you doing here?”
“Och, you look so handsome in your kilt, my wee laddie. It’s Josephine’s first St. Andrew’s day back in bonnie old Scotland.” She coos over me.
I peer over my nan’s shoulder to see Grannie Jo with a dram of whisky in her hand, bobbing along to the music. I scan my nan’s face, there’s a happiness to it that I haven’t seen for a long time. It’s nice to see she has found company in Grannie Jo, they were the closest of friends growing up. And since my granddad died a long time ago my nan has been a wee bit lonely. Hell, I’ve hardly heard her gossiping since Grannie Jo moved back to Crossmackie.
“Dinny be staying out too late,” I wink at her.
A mischievous grin spreads across my nan’s face, she stands on her tippy toes and gives me a kiss on the cheek.
“I love you, my braw laddie,” she cups my face.
“I love you too.”
I watch my nan and Grannie Jo disappear off into the crowd.
I’m a few beers deep and I still haven’t seen Crystal. I’m starting to think she won’t show at all when I see Dylan and Fiona enter the parish hall. My stomach drops, and I feel my heartbeat pick up a few beats. I stand higher to see if Crystal is with them but I don’t see her. The girls turn a few heads as they enter the hall, and I see Cam and Hamish tense as they notice other men looking at their women.
Fiona is wearing her clan’s tartan, and Dylan is wearing the MacTavish tartan. Cam and Hamish stop dead in their conversation as they spot their girls walking in. Both look on in admiration, Hamish tries to hide it but everyone in Crossmackie knows how much he loves Fiona.
My heart sinks when I don’t see Crystal with the girls. I turn back to the boys, but I catch a flash of copper hair in the corner of my eye. I turn and see her walking through the door. My breath catches, and my mouth goes dry. She looks so beautiful. Her long red hair is braided in the traditional way with little thistles dotted in them. The purple of the thistles pop against her metallic hair. I can’t quite see what she’s wearing but as the crowd parts, I get a glimpse. I near choke on my beer as I see my clan’s tartan on her body. Why?
She hasn’t seen me in the corner yet, and I don’t know what to do. I thought she was mad at me, but yet she wears my clan’s tartan. I’m still scoping her out, when I notice Angus Anderson sniffing around her. She scans the crowd and her eyes land on me, and they’re daring. She looks back at Angus and gives him a flirtatious smile. My stomach drops and jealousy spreads through me like rapid fire.
Dylan and Fiona have made their way over to us, and the boys are occupied with getting them drinks. I haven’t taken my eyes off Crystal who is now talking to Angus. I peer over my pint glass as I take a large swig of beer. There goes keeping a clear head. She keeps looking back at me. I know what game she’s playing.
“Hey Rabbie,” Dylan breaks my gaze.
I look down at her. She’s wearing a look of concern.
“Hi, Dylan. You look beautiful,” I give her a kiss on the cheek.
“You too, Fi,” I kiss Fiona, who has now joined Dylan.
They both look at me with worried looks, and my mind grows paranoid. I want to know what Crystal has told them. I look back over the crowd and spot Crystal who is now drinking and dancing with Angus and his friends. Fuck no. She isn’t dancing with him whilst wearing my tartan. My blood begins to boil, and the boys are tracking my eyes. The possessiveness I didn’t know I had comes boiling to the top. The group clearly knows there’s something going on between us, because usually she would’ve been a part of our group. It’s clear she’s trying to teach me a lesson– if I don’t want her, there are plenty of other men who do.
I zoned in on Crystal as I push my way through the crowd, the whole town is staring and whispering now. The pissed off look on my face must tell them everything they need to know. I’m just within arms reach of Crystal when my mum pops up in front of me. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse. I freeze on the spot, but then I try to walk around her, but she grabs my arm. I step back out of her grip. She peers up at me with a sullen face, she’s trying to get my sympathy and it’s not working.
“Hello, Rabbie,” she whispers.
“Mum, why are you here?”
I’m looking over her head, keeping an eye on Crystal who is twirling around with Angus. The jealousy has practically taken over my body now, and I feel nothing else but pure raging jealousy.
“I needed to see you. The other week when I sprung on you, and asked for a job. I wanted to apologise for the way I acted. It was selfish of me to assume you’d be happy to see me, of course you wouldn’t be. But I had to try and see you, and then I froze and couldn’t find the right thing to say. I’m sorry, I really am. If you never want to see me again, I completely understand, but I had to try to see you.” She speaks softly, I can hardly hear her.
I finally break my gaze from Crystal and look down at my mum. She looks frail with dark bags under her eyes. I look behind me and see everyone looking over at us. I spot my nan in the corner, a worried look across her face, I give her a small nod to let her know I can handle this. Everyone in the hall is on edge, giving my mum dirty looks and whispering behind their hands.
“I don’t know what you want me to say?” I shrug.
She looks down at her fingers. “I hope one day you could find it in your heart to forgive me.” She wipes at her eyes.
“Years of wishing you’d come for me is going to be hard to forgive and forget.”
I look over my mum’s head to find Crystal, she’s not paying attention to me. I really need her right now.
“Being in an abusive relationship was hard. I know it’s not an excuse but I hope you understand that I was in a difficult situation,” she pleads with me.
I look down at my mum and the sympathy finally starts to seep through me. I remember my dad being a scary man, always drinking and shouting at things, especially me. I don’t really remember much from the time when I lived with them because I’ve spent years erasing it from my memory, but I believe her. I wish she’d told me this a long time ago. I’ve spent most of my life thinking that she didn’t want me, but when really, she was in an abusive situation. I want to ask her so many questions, but my mind isn’t in the correct head space right now. All I can think about is Crystal.
“I know you said you couldn’t give me a job, and that’s okay I will figure something out. I’m just trying to make amends, and I know I have a long road ahead of me but I want to make things right,” she gives me a half-hearted smile.
I really take her in, her clothes are old and worn. She looks exhausted, dull skin and unwashed hair. I feel sorry for her.
“Where are you staying?” I ask her, ignoring the part about making amends. I’m not so quick to forgive.
“With a friend, in the next town over. Until I get back on my feet.”
I peer over my mum’s head, and catch Angus whispering in Crystal’s ear, she’s laughing at whatever he’s saying. I want this conversation with my mum to be over, I can’t stand Crystal getting cosy with Angus any longer.
“If you want, you can have a couple of shifts a week cleaning the cafe after we close for the day. Just until you get back on your feet, and it’s on a trial basis,” I remind her.
A large smile spreads across my mum’s gaunt face.
“And as far as making amends goes, I don’t think I’m there yet, sorry.”
“I won’t let you down, I promise.”
“Yeah. Excuse me,” I cut her off. Her promise falls short on me, I don’t expect much from my mum when she’s let me down so many times before.
I brush past her, and make my way through the crowd towards Crystal.