21. Crystal
21
Crystal
I’m so satisfied from the most amazing Thanksgiving dinner, and after the best pumpkin pie I’ve ever eaten. I’m so content and happy that I feel like I’m floating. I can’t stop thinking about how thoughtful Rabbie was in making me the pumpkin pie. We hardly make it through the door when Edie comes rushing down the hallway. I jump out of the way before she can brush up against me. Rabbie scoops her up in his arms and coos away at her. He follows me into the living room, muttering sweet nothings to the damn cat. I feel the jealousy slowly seeping into me. Jesus, I’ve hit an all time low. I’m jealous of a fucking cat.
“My sweet baby girl,” Rabbie scratches behind the cat’s ear as it purrs.
The cat eyes me with victorious eyes, and I narrow my eyes at the fluffball. This isn’t over I think to myself.
I’m brought out of my jealous gaze when my phone starts to ring. I sit down at the table and open my laptop and accept the video call. It’s better to take the call on my laptop. I was expecting this call at some point today.
My three older brothers pop up on the screen, and I smile back at them. They’re all in their Sunday bests. My mama would’ve made sure they look their best today. We’re about seven hours ahead of them here in Crossmackie, they would’ve just come home from church.
“How was church? Repent all your sins?” I wink at my brothers.
“You bet we did,” Cruz laughs.
“I can hardly breathe in this shirt,” Cain undoes the top button of his shirt.
“Happy Thanksgiving sissy,” Creed smiles at me.
“Thanks. Happy Thanksgiving to you too.” I smile at them.
God, I miss them so much. I wish I was there to spend the day with them, but then I remember how overbearing my mama would be about what I’m wearing or how much I’m eating.
“We miss you,” Cain says. I’m taken aback by this because Cain is the least emotionally in tune out of all my brothers.
“I miss you too,” I bite back the lump in my throat.
I feel weird having Rabbie sit behind me on the sofa, but he doesn’t interrupt my call with my brothers.
“Make sure you tell Rabbie we wish him a happy Thanksgiving,” Cruz smiles.
“He’s here behind me, he can hear you,” I lean out of the way so they can see him sitting on the sofa behind me. The cat is now laying on him, the jealousy doesn’t go away.
Rabbie lifts his hand up to wave to my brothers. “Thanks, guys. Happy Thanksgiving to you too. Dinny eat as much as I did, I can hardly move.” Rabbie laughs.
“We still can’t understand you,” Creed teases.
“Ha. Very funny,” I roll my eyes at my brothers.
I turn to look at Rabbie laughing along with them. How does he get along with them so easily? It’s nice to see because usually men are scared of my big brothers. I’m glad Rabbie can see the funny side of their teasing.
I move back in front of the camera just in time to hear my mama’s voice behind my brothers. They all sit up straight, and it’s nice to see that they know what she’s like, especially towards me. I sit up straighter, just as my brothers give me a sympathetic smile before they disappear off camera.
“Where’s my baby girl?” She pops up on the screen.
She’s perfectly made up, I expect nothing less. Her platinum blonde hair is big and styled to perfection. The southern belle style. Her makeup is flawless, and she’s dressed in her best church clothes. Her diamonds are big but tasteful they glisten like stars on the screen.
“Happy Thanksgiving mama,” I try to plaster a smile on my face.
“And to you darlin’, I hope you had a lovely day,” she smiles.
I’m surprised she isn’t lecturing me about how much I ate. I’m shocked to say the least. I start to relax a little, and begin to think this conversation is going to be a pleasant one.
She peers in closer to the screen and I start to shift uncomfortably. She squints at me, and then the full blown paranoia kicks in.
“You’re breaking out, hunnie. I told you not to wear heavy makeup. It will make you break out.”
My hopes of a nice conversation are quickly dashed, I knew it was too good to be true. I feel the anger rushing through me. I try to bite my lip to stop myself from lashing out at her. In all her overbearingness I still love my mama and I would never raise my voice to her, that’s the way I was raised. You respect your elders.
“I hope you had controlled portions today, I know how much you love desserts.” Her words are like little cuts to my skin.
I know Rabbie is sitting behind me listening to my mama speaking to me this way, and the embarrassment engulfs me. The way I stuck up for myself against Mrs. MacNee, and the things I said to Rabbie’s mom coming flooding back. I was able to stand my ground with them, so why can’t I do it with my mama. The constant comments about how I look or behave have finally worn me down, and I can’t take it anymore. My mama is still talking but all I can hear is the blood whooshing in my ears and the anger slowly creeping up.
“Mama! Stop.” I finally snap.
She stops dead, her eyes widen in shock. I’ve never raised my voice to her.
“I’ve had enough of you speaking to me like this. My whole life you’ve always criticised me about something. My makeup, clothes, what I eat, going to college, how I should behave as a proper southern woman. I can’t take it anymore. If you can’t say anything nice to me then maybe we shouldn’t talk at all.” I say laying down a boundary I didn’t know I was capable of setting.
Her mouth falls open, and her eyes grow teary. Oh shit, I didn’t want to make her cry.
“Oh, Crystal.” She covers her mouth.
I don’t know what to say, I finally feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can’t believe I’ve finally told her how I feel.
“My sweet girl, I’m so sorry. I never meant to make you feel bad about yourself.” she dips her head. “I told myself when I had a little girl that I would never be like my mama who always nitpicked at me. I’m just like her, and I didn’t even realise,” She covers her face.
Well, I didn’t expect the conversation to go this way. I feel guilty that I’ve made her feel bad and it slowly swallows me whole.
“I’m sorry, how can you ever forgive me? I only want the best for you, and I see now that I’ve overstepped.” She wipes a tear away.
“Oh mama. How did we get like this?” I run my hand over my face.
“I don’t know, I promise I’ll change the way I speak to you. I don’t want you to stop talking to me,” she looks worried. I can see the stress all over her face at the thought of me not speaking to her.
“Good, because I don’t want that to happen. I want you to be happy for me, and supportive of the way I want to live my life,” I admit.
“I’m so sorry, I’ve been trying to force you to be someone who you’re not. You’re so much braver than me, I really admire you for that.”
“Thanks, mama. Please don’t cry, you’ll ruin your makeup,” I laugh trying to make the situation light.
A small laugh escapes her lips as she wipes another tear away.
“I’m sorry darlin’. I love you so much.”
“I love you too mama. We’ll talk more soon. I can’t wait to see you for Christmas. Go and enjoy the rest of your Thanksgiving. Give daddy and the boys a hug for me.” I blow a kiss to her.
“I will, darlin’. We miss you.” Her shoulders relax a tad, and she blows a kiss back to me. I still see the worry written across her face as I end the call.
I close my laptop and slump back in my chair. I close my eyes and swallow the tears back. I refuse to cry over this stupid situation anymore. I’ve finally said how I truly feel and she took it onboard. I can only hope that we continue to work at our relationship and move past this.
“Well done, mo beag,” Rabbie’s voice is soft behind me.
My eyes snap open, I’d forgotten he was sitting behind me. I take a deep breath and stand from my seat. I turn to find him smiling up at me. The cat has gone now and it’s just him sprawled out on the plush sofa with his long legs propped on the coffee table.
“You finally stood up to her, I’m proud of you.”
I slump down on the sofa next to him and let out a long sigh. I move my head to the side to look at him, his eyes are twinkling in the low light. He’s proud of me . I never thought I would need to hear those words, especially from a man but hearing it from Rabbie makes me giddy inside. I shouldn’t feel this happy after the tough conversation I just had with my mama, but I am.
I can feel the heat building between us. I don’t know where to look, but my eyes keep gravitating to his lips. He’s so close to me, I could just lean over and kiss him. I shouldn’t because our near kiss in the hot tub made him freak out and retreat into himself, but he looks so handsome. Everything he’s done for me since I arrived here has made me feel so wanted and special; letting me stay with him, bringing me food, making me a pumpkin pie. It’s not just about trying to get him into bed anymore, but it’s about who he is as a person that is the most attractive thing about him. He’s so thoughtful and selfless, and I can’t resist him any longer. We’ve been tiptoeing around each other since I got here, and I’m going to combust if I don’t kiss him.
We sit in perfect silence just staring at each other, and fuck it . Before I know it I’m leaning in and planting a soft kiss on his lips. He doesn’t return my kiss at first and I think I’ve fucked everything up, but then something awakens in him and he leans in and kisses me back. There’s a sense of urgency to the pace that he’s kissing me, it’s needy and fuck, it’s turning me on. Our tongues and teeth clash with such ferociousness that it feels like we’ve been starved of affection our whole lives, I guess we have in a sense. There’s nothing soft and sensual about the way we’re tangled up with each other, this is pure need. I’m scared to pull back and stop, I’ve been wanting this for too long. I want to see where this goes, I want him to consume me.
He grabs my hips and lifts me onto his lap so I’m straddling him, his lips not leaving mine as he does. I can feel his hardness, and fuck, he’s big. I can feel him through his jeans. I slowly grind on him to ease the ache between my legs, I need friction. A low guttural noise vibrates in his chest, and I think it’s the sexiest sound he’s ever made. I could come just hearing him groan like that. I grind on him again, another groan. I like this game. He knows what I’m doing, and the sounds coming from him are a mixture of pleasure and frustration.
He wraps my hair around his first and tugs on it to expose my neck. His mouth is instantly on me, kissing and nipping the delicate skin. There’s nothing cool, calm and collected about this side of him, but I like it. This version of Rabbie is unhinged and primal.
We can’t get enough of each other as we hurriedly grope and grab each other. His mouth is back on mine now, and he’s kissing me harder. It feels like a thousand fireworks are going off in my body with every single kiss he lays on me. My skin is on fire from the intensity. I’m slowly coming undone in this man’s lap, and I still have all of my clothes on.
Soft mewling noises that I never knew I could make escape my mouth as I grind my hips against his perfect length. This is everything and more, I’ve been fantasising for weeks what it would be like to finally kiss him and it’s definitely exceeding my expectations. My hands gravitate to his shaggy blonde hair, I’ve been dying to run my fingers through it. I grip a handful of his soft golden hair and pull, another groan escapes his lips. I could definitely get used to that sound.
His large hand slowly runs under my sweater, the pads of his fingertips lightly brushing my skin. A ripple of goosebumps breaks out over me as his finger moves further up my rib cage. His hand slowly slips under my bra, his finger circling my hardened nipple before he tweaks it between his thumb and finger. A long drawn out moan comes from deep within me, I’ve been craving his touch and finally getting it has sent my body into overdrive. Every skim of his fingers, every nip on my neck has me melting into an oozy puddle in his lap. I pull on his hair harder and he pinches my nipple harder. The quick sharp pain quickly melts into pleasure and I want more from me, I need more.
I take off my sweater and throw it behind me, and I rush with clumsiness to get my hands back on him. His hands are now the expanse of my body, roaming my exposed skin. I would never get tired of having his hands on me, oh what he could do with them makes my imagination run wild. Grinding against now isn’t enough to extinguish the fire between my legs. I reach around to unclasp my bra when his heavy hands grab mine.
He finally breaks the kiss, and leans back slightly to look up at me. I think he’s going to undo my bra for me, and watch it fall into his lap. But, his eyes are glossed over and there’s a hint of distance in them. I don’t like the look in his eyes, they’re almost sympathetic towards me. There’s a slow sinking feeling in my stomach, and I suddenly feel very exposed.
“Mo beag, I–I can’t.” His large hands run over my bare shoulders and I shudder at his pitiful touch.
No, this can’t be happening. I squeeze my eyes shut and wish this situation was in my head, but it isn’t. I open my eyes, and find his two large greens looking up at me with pity. The feeling of shame, and regret quickly replace the lust and desire that was there just only a second ago.
I roll off his lap back onto the sofa, suddenly feeling cold, I wrap my arms around me. The rejection sears my exposed skin. I feel stupid for sitting in front of him in my bra whilst having this conversation. I jump up from the sofa and quickly scramble for my sweater. I pull it over my head, I want to hide under here forever and not have to face him. I finally muster the courage to poke my head out, but I can’t bring myself to look at him.
“Crystal. I’m sorry.” He runs a hand through his messy hair, looking exasperated.
My eyes snap to him on the sofa, and the rage slowly starts to creep through my bones. How did I not see this coming? Surely, the moment was too good to be true. I pinch the bridge of my nose, the start of a headache is throbbing behind my eyes. He looks at me with a sorry look on his face, and I can’t bear it.
“Save it. I don’t need your pity. Jesus.” I wrap my arms around me, I still feel naked and raw. He doesn’t say anything, his lips form a flat line and I try to force back my words but I know I’ll regret it if I don’t lay it all out for him.
“Whatever happened to living in the moment? And not worrying about what might happen in the future. How are things ever meant to grow organically if you think the worst? Not everyone is going to leave you, you know. But you won’t even give anyone a chance to get close to you because you’re too scared.” I throw both my arms up wide, I’m so annoyed that he toyed with me and then cut me down. I don’t care that I might hurt his feelings, he needs to hear the truth.
He doesn’t say anything, he leans forward and puts his head in his hands. He’s clamming up again, I can see it happening right in front of me.
“You need to get out of your head and start living in the present. Stop letting what happened in the past dictate your life.”
I’m sick of people talking about the past and the future and making things more complicated than they need to be. He finally looks up at me, and I see the pain in his eyes. I want to fall down at his knees and make sure he’s okay, but I can’t keep doing this push and pull game with him.
“I’m going to bed,” I back away, and turn down the hallway.
He doesn’t try to stop me.
I barely get the door closed to my room before I break into a soft sob. The rejection, the embarrassment, the confusion about how I feel towards him is eating away at me. What am I doing? This isn’t me. I shake the tears away because I refuse to cry over a man, especially one who doesn’t want me.
I change into my comfy pyjamas and climb into bed. I can still feel his hands and lips tingling away at my skin. I wish I could have a shower and scrub away the smell of him, but I don’t want the possibility of having to face him. I roll over, and start counting the stars in the night sky, anything to take my mind off of what just happened.
I hear soft footsteps stop outside my door, I look over my shoulder to see the shadow of his feet underneath. He’s lingering outside, and I want him to knock, but he doesn’t.
I can see it in my head, his fist hovering close to the door ready to knock, but what would he say? There’s nothing to say, his face said it all. I hear his bedroom door softly click shut. Tonight was all the confirmation I needed that nothing will ever happen between us, and the sooner I can finish the website, the quicker I can get out of here. I will myself to sleep, but all I see is his sad, sorry face when I close my eyes.