Chapter 67 Ben
BEN
‘And cut!’ Jane said as Sarah and I kissed.
I knew Jane had stopped filming the last video we were making for social media on my bed, so we didn’t need to keep going, but I didn’t want to stop.
Even if I kissed Sarah for days, it could never be enough.
Jane cleared her throat, then I think she said something about leaving, but I didn’t bother to look because I was busy crushing my lips onto Sarah’s.
This could be the last time I kissed her, so I had to make it count.
My chest tightened.
The look on her face when she got up to leave earlier would haunt me forever. Especially when I saw the tears in her eyes.
I didn’t want to hurt her, but like I said, it was better that we had a clean break and ended things now, just like we’d agreed.
Thanks to some major miracle, I’d managed to keep Sarah’s interest for a couple of months, but she’d soon get tired of me. Especially when her writing career took off.
The truth was that I was dangerously close to falling in love with her and I couldn’t go through that heartbreak again.
Last time I’d attempted to cope by drinking and partying too much and sleeping with too many women. But now that I’d worked so hard to be healthy, I wasn’t going to put my body through that shit again.
And there was no way I could even think about being intimate with anyone else. Not now that I knew how it felt to be with Sarah. She’d ruined me. No other woman was ever going to be able to compare.
Maybe I should sign up to a monastery once I’d finished travelling. If I couldn’t have Sarah, I didn’t want anyone.
Maybe we could try?
No.
The risk was too high. I had to stick to my guns. It was over.
Sarah pulled away and frowned.
I wanted to ask why she’d stopped the kiss, but I realised that I had no right. Maybe she’d sensed I was distracted. It was hard to focus with all of these thoughts swimming around my head.
Anyway, it was for the best. If we carried on, we might end up making love again and that’d just make everything even harder.
I cringed as I realised I’d just thought about us making love.
Whenever Theo used that description, I’d always rolled my eyes and pretended to vomit.
To me the action had always been known as just sex, fucking, shagging, boning, or getting laid. And none of those terms required the use of the L word.
But now I felt differently.
With Sarah, there was this intensity. A deep connection that I’d never felt before.
That was stupid, though. My judgement was clearly clouded by how well Sarah had sucked my dick in the library last night.
Like me, Sarah said she’d picked up some tips from reading romance novels. If I wasn’t already converted to the value of those books, I would be now. Romance needed to be protected at all costs.
‘We should have enough content for the videos, so I’m gonna go.’ Sarah got off the bed.
‘Sure?’ I asked.
We’d filmed two videos this afternoon. The first was a reverse of the previous videos, so this time I was reading and Sarah was the one who came to ask me out. In the video she’d said:
‘I’ve just finished a book, so I’m free to go out tonight before I start the next one.’
Then I’d looked up from my book and replied:
‘Sorry, Sarah, but I can’t. I’m reading Josh & Hazel’s Guide to Not Dating by Christina Lauren and the friends are about to become lovers.’
Then Sarah walked off looking sad.
I thought the idea was a bit close to the bone, given that after our conversation this morning she probably felt like I’d rejected her, but it was Sarah’s suggestion, so I ran with it.
The final video Jane just shot was an extension of the first idea where Sarah asked me out again, but this time, just as she was about to leave, she stopped, turned back and said:
‘If you’re busy reading, maybe we could spend the night together with our books.’
Then I’d looked up from my novel, smiled and said:
‘Now that sounds perfect!’
The idea was that we’d cut to the scene we’d just filmed with us in bed together holding our books, then we’d look at each other suggestively, drop the books and start kissing.
I thought it was genius because, judging by the comments, our followers were rooting for us to get together, so it was sure to make them happy.
Even if it made us both feel like shit.
But if this video went viral and led to the library acquiring thousands of new followers and earning lots of additional revenue, I supposed the sacrifice was worth it.
Tell that to my gut, which was churning like it was trying and failing to make butter.
‘Yeah. I’ve got the wedding favours to finish wrapping,’ Sarah said, snapping me out of my thoughts.
‘I could help?’
‘Thanks, but given, y’know… it’s best that you don’t. Jane’s offered to help and Celeste is doing some right now too. I… I’ll see you at the wedding tomorrow.’
She picked up her stuff, then left.
I really hoped she didn’t hate my guts. Tomorrow was going to be difficult enough without the guilt of my decision clawing at me.
If I’d told Sarah after the wedding, then we could’ve enjoyed the whole of tomorrow together. But although that would’ve been beneficial for me, it would’ve made things worse for her.
I’d done the right thing by telling Sarah sooner rather than later.
If that was true, though, why did I feel so horrendous?