Chapter 23
GUS
A few weeks on my own and I wasn’t sure I liked the company. I was kind of boring.
I went to the gym and the rink every day.
And get this…the library too. I figured it would be wise to tackle the summer reading assigned to my future students.
The incoming freshmen had to read Huckleberry Finn, Of Mice and Men, Animal Farm, and a few others were on the “suggested” list. My goal was to read them all.
And fucking Beowulf, too. Somehow that one always sneaked in, and I wasn’t going to be unprepared.
I had time. There were long hours to fill in between packing up the last of my belongings and moving to my condo. Once I was in my new pad, the days seemed to stretch on…and on.
My friends had gone home for the summer.
Well…not all of them. Ty was in town, but he wanted to spend his free time with Walker before he headed to Florida to join his team for preseason training.
I totally understood. I’d thought about visiting my parents, but they were vacationing in Europe and my brothers were busy.
I had old high school buddies I could have looked up, but those were the same guys I used to get high with every weekend.
I wasn’t willing to jeopardize my newfound sobriety. Not when I was finally feeling steady. I went to meetings regularly, saw my therapist, and did my best to build healthy habits…and ideally, not think about Rafe every minute of every damn day.
Some days, I thought I was slowly coming undone, seam by seam. My therapist wondered if I was lonely and suggested joining a rec league and volunteering. So I did both. Now I was playing hockey with guys who were ten years past their prime and helping at the local animal shelter twice a week.
How was that going? Well, the hockey was uninspired, but everyone was cool. The shelter was great too, and there were a few volunteers my age—including a flirty blond who made it clear she was available. I was flattered for sure, but I wasn’t interested.
And no, I hadn’t adopted a pet yet. A fierce tabby with soulful eyes had been brought in a few days ago, and he needed a home. He was cute and feisty, and Rafe would have liked him and—that thought kept me from completing a form. The last thing I needed was for a cat to remind me of what I’d lost.
That was what it felt like…loss. I was grieving something I hadn’t shared with anyone, and my heart physically ached in my chest.
Once upon a time, the logical thing would have been to get obliterated and dull the pain.
But I wasn’t self-destructive anymore. I was doing the right things with worthwhile pursuits, so…
why wasn’t this feeling going away? Almost three fucking weeks had passed—nineteen days to be precise—and maybe I appeared okay on the outside, but inside, I was struggling.
I petted the cat’s head through the crate, chuckling as his temperamental meow. “Later, tough guy. Behave.”
Jess, my new admirer, peeked around the corner and waved. I couldn’t tell if it was my imagination, but her top was especially low cut today and that smile was extra flirty. “Hey, Gus, someone’s here to see you. Someone kind of exciting too!”
Exciting?
“Who?” My heart went into overdrive and my palms got clammy.
“Ty Czerniak!” she gushed.
Oh.
Okay, so Ty was a popular hockey player with an Internet-famous boyfriend, but he definitely wasn’t my idea of exciting.
I met Ty in the lobby, exchanging routine fist bumps in greeting and introducing him to a starry-eyed Jess before joining him on the sidewalk.
“She likes you,” he commented, waggling his brows.
I rolled my eyes in response and nudged his elbow. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m leaving tomorrow for camp,” Ty said, moving toward my truck. “Actually, I’m taking Walker to the cabin first, and we’re flying out from Syracuse. You can come, but I’m planning on having a lot of sex with my man, and he’s noisy.”
“That’s a hard pass.”
Ty snickered. “Did you get Brady’s text?
He’s in town too. Let’s get a beer. You can catch us up on the new stuff in Gus-land.
I still can’t believe you’re teaching English.
Coaching…yes. All day long. I swear you’ll have Beekman’s job in a couple of years.
Brady wants to go to The Tavern or Vincento’s—”
“I don’t drink,” I blurted…in a parking lot on a summer day in early July.
And nothing happened.
The sky was still blue, traffic whizzed by as usual, the delivery person balancing two packages didn’t falter, and Ty didn’t bat an eyelash.
“I didn’t think so,” he replied cryptically. “We’ll go to your place, then.”
He walked to his Jeep before I could protest, and I didn’t have the energy to anyway.
I set two water bottles on the island while my friends snooped around my condo.
“This is like…nice,” Brady pronounced, sounding a little confused. “Are you sure you live here?”
I flipped him off from my perch on a barstool at the island and uncapped my water. “Are you hungry? I have chips and…that’s probably it.”
Brady flopped onto the stool next to me. “I guess you do live here.”
“Ha. Ha.”
Ty rolled his eyes. “Well…”
I glanced at my friends, sized up the situation, and came up empty. I had no reason not to be honest.
“I quit drinking and using…everything,” I said. “It was touch and go in the beginning, but I’ve been sober for over three months and it’s tough, but it was a good change for me. A necessary one.”
Brady furrowed his brows. He was dressed for the pool in Hawaiian print boardshorts and a ripped Bears tee, looking more like a California surfer than a hockey player on hiatus. “Why?”
I shrugged. “I was tired of waking up hungover every day. I was tired of not remembering what I’d done or said or who I’d been with.
I supposedly had a lot of sexy encounters with a girl whose name I couldn’t tell you to save my life.
And that was disturbing. I wanted to get on the wagon before there was a court mandate sending my ass to rehab.
In case you’re curious, I did that once, and it’s not fun. ”
“What? When?”
“Senior year of high school. I crashed my dad’s Beamer into our mailbox, high as a kite.
I was the only one in the car, and it was our property, so authorities didn’t get involved, but my folks thought I needed a cleansing.
It was probably the right thing to do…it just didn’t stick.
” I rubbed my hand over my jaw and sucked in a breath.
“Almost seven years later, I was in worse shape than ever.”
“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Ty slumped in the stool. “I should have…known.”
“I think we did know, but weren’t sure how to address it,” Brady commented thoughtfully. “I’m sorry too. We let you down.”
“Fuck that. I’m not your responsibility. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But we could have rallied and made it easier instead of hounding you about the next party, for fuck’s sake,” Ty practically growled as he leaned forward. “We’re your friends. We care about you, Gus. I hate thinking that you’ve been suffering while we’ve been—”
“Whoa, tiger. I haven’t been suffering. Rafe was here and…” I trailed off, my tongue suddenly thick with despair.
Brady and Ty shared a look.
“Rafe.” That was Ty.
“Are you and Rafe…like…together?” Brady ventured cautiously.
“No. He’s training. He’s going to be a figure-skating star someday.” I smiled, cocky and proud of my…friend.
“Okay, but—”
“There’s no but,” I intercepted. “Rafe is—we…yeah, but…it’s not something we could sustain, ya know?”
Ty shook his head. “No, I don’t know. You obviously care about him, and—”
“I do, and that’s why I have no intention of saddling him with me.” I pointed at my chest in case they’d forgotten who I was referring to. “I have too many issues, and I’m here and he’s…not. I don’t like it. It sucks and I’m not happy about it, but I have to let him go.”
“Sounds like you’re punishing yourself,” Ty observed matter-of-factly. “Like maybe you think you should suffer for your past sins.”
Okay, that was possibly a little bit true.
“Maybe I should.”
“Really?” Brady scrunched his nose as he stood, rounding on the island and opening cupboards as if he lived there. “Seems smarter to just try to be happy. Hey, where are those potato chips?”
I happily rescued the bag of Lay’s and latched on to a chance to change the topic. Summer plans, the Czerniaks’ cabin, Brady’s date with a girl who gave married-with-kids vibes. We laughed the way we had in a locker room or pressed together with a bunch of teammates at a booth at the Depot.
I loved these guys, and it was a relief to share secrets that had been weighing on me for months. I felt lighter and oddly hopeful, though I wasn’t sure why.
Nothing had changed. I was still me, a messy work in progress with battle scars and a hole in my heart that showed no signs of healing.