Chapter 24
RAFE
The drive home with Celine had been a blur of monotonous interstates, Taylor Swift and Charli xcx marathons, my friend’s endless chatter about a guy she’d met online, Jackson’s chances at making it as a baker, and movies she liked.
I’d never had to worry about awkward silences with Celine. Thank God.
My mind had been stuck on replay at the lake. I would give anything to be with you. Anything.
Then why had we said good-bye? Why did it have to be so final?
Celine had interrupted my turbulent thoughts an hour away from our destination. “Rafey, you’re quiet. The caffeine should have kicked in hours ago, and we’re already in Grove City.”
“Mmhmm.”
“What is it? I thought you’d be celebrating.”
I’d frowned. “Why?”
“Honey, you’ve been looking forward to moving since last summer. You’re free! You graduated, got a coveted spot at the championships, you have a club, and—which one did you choose? One more time for the people in the back row!”
“Syracuse,” I’d replied, wincing at Celine’s shrill squeal.
That was another thing. Central Club in Syracuse was a fantastic opportunity. My fees had been waived or paid for by the sponsorship that Boris had lined up for me and it was less than an hour’s drive to Smithton. There was a way to make us work, and yet…Gus had still let go.
Then again, I hadn’t told him about my decision to train in Syracuse.
“So amazing! So…” I’d mentally put Celine on mute and concentrated on the road, screeching back to reality when she asked, “Is this about Eli?”
“Eli? What about him?”
“You’ve got the suds. If you’re sad that he turned out to be a dick, don’t be. He wanted to steal your shine and your place on the roster, and he didn’t get either. In short, Eli wishes he was you.”
On a normal day, I’d laugh at the very idea, but Eli was someone I’d happily left behind. At least for now. I had no doubt we’d compete in the future, but I hadn’t been able to muster anything more than a vague, “Oh.”
“Okay, that’s not it,” she’d muttered. “Pull the car over.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Something is wrong, and we’re not continuing till you tell all,” she’d demanded.
Yes, I’d been the one behind the wheel. I didn’t have to listen to my pint-sized bossy bestie, but I did. I’d pulled off the interstate, into a McDonald’s parking lot…and promptly burst into tears.
If Celine had been surprised, she hid it well.
She was a good friend. The best. She’d hugged me, let me blubber away, bought me french fries and a Diet Coke, and sat with me in the aftermath of what we’d forever refer to as the McD’s Meltdown where I spilled the beans and confessed that I had very strong feelings for my former roommate.
“You know, Rafe. I think he’s afraid.”
“So am I.”
“I know, but you’re used to adversity,” Celine replied. “You’ve been knocked out and forced to reinvent yourself more than once. Not everyone is as strong as you. Give him time. I bet you he’ll come around.”
I didn’t bother explaining that there had been a heartbreaking ring of finality to our good-bye. Gus needed a new start, and I wasn’t going to be part of it.
I spent a few days visiting my parents, who now lived on opposite ends of the city.
Dad rented a small house a block from his shop, and Mom had an apartment in the arts district.
I stored the boxes that represented all my earthly belongings in Mom’s spare room and Dad’s garage.
For most of the summer, I’d be in nomad mode, living out of a suitcase.
There wasn’t time to get comfortable, and that was okay by me. The busier I stayed, the less I’d think about what I was missing…who I was missing. Theoretically, anyway.
I headed to Syracuse at the end of June with a duffel for clothes, a workout bag, and my skates.
My dad had tuned up my car, so I wasn’t quite as nervous about the ominous ka plunk noise that shook the old beater at random intervals.
I just needed to check into my Airbnb and get to the rink to meet up with Boris so I could resume training in earnest.
Of course, I’d never stopped training, but I was in the home stretch now with just three weeks until the championships.
I wasn’t clear what Boris’s connection was to Syracuse Central Club since he lived in Smithton and worked for the university, but I was grateful he’d pulled strings to get me into the program.
And I was glad to see a familiar face…even a crabby one.
Yes, I could have stayed in Pittsburgh to train at my hometown rink with my old coaches as I’d originally planned. It was familiar and affordable, but Syracuse Central Club was elite. And as cantankerous as Boris could be, he was one of the best coaches on the East Coast.
“Again, Rafe. Again. Bend the knees,” he barked. “More.”
“Okay.”
I rubbed my gloved hands together, sucked in a gulp of refrigerated air, and nodded.
He was being picky and I knew it. I’d kept my arms tight and fast to increase the speed of each rotation.
I could spin like a top endlessly. I’d worked on my edges too and had perfected my landing.
My routine was so ingrained in my mind that I found myself practicing arm movements as I walked through town.
But sure, I could bend my knees more.
I completed a double axel into a triple toe loop, caught my breath and glided away, then added a triple Lutz into a double toe loop.
The jumps themselves weren’t the challenge…
it was the speed and height and timing, and of course, the landing.
It was the art of fine-tuning to the nth degree to shave away all excess motion.
I was getting there, and it was gratifying.
I skated to the bench and thanked Boris for the towel he handed me. My stomach growled on cue. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and it was almost two o’clock already. There weren’t many affordable options in the immediate vicinity, and I was getting tired of fruit and ramen.
A sudden pang of loneliness battled with hunger.
I blinked back tears and sat to unlace my skates while Boris gave me his notes. I listened with half an ear, letting the sounds of the rink lull me. The swish and glide of blades, the echo of unfamiliar voices.
Fuck, I missed Celine, I missed Smithton…
I missed Gus.
“Are you hearing me, Rafe?”
“Uh, yes…I’m just—I should eat.”
Boris grunted. “Go. Eat. We leave in three days. I think you’re ready.”
I smiled as I changed my socks and slipped my left foot into my sneaker. Boris was terrible at small talk. “Thanks. I think so too. And thanks for…all this. I know I wouldn’t be at this club without your sponsorship and—”
“I vouch for character,” he intercepted with a dismissive wave. “I’m not the one who pays the club on your behalf.”
“Right. I know that,” I sputtered. “It’s been so busy that I didn’t ask who I should thank. God, that’s terrible of me. I need to send a note.”
Boris cocked his head curiously. “You don’t know?”
Something in his tone set my exhausted body on instant alert.
“Um…no. Should I?”
“Yes, I think so. It is your friend.” Hummingbirds were in my ears now. But I heard him loud and clear. “Langley. Augustus Langley.”
My jaw fell open. “Gus?”
Boris nodded, his bushy brows knit like a white caterpillar above his eyes. “Yes. Go eat, rest, and use the facility for a massage.”
Gus? Gus…did this?
For me?
I stuffed my feet into my sneakers, zipped my bag, and jumped up. “I have to go.”
“Go? Go where? Rafe! Come back!”
No chance.
I raced to my car, my hands trembling as I put the key in the ignition, roared the engine to life, and headed north to Smithton.
At the edge of town, I pulled over to send a text.
Where r u? I need 2 c u now. Right now, I typed.
We hadn’t spoken in three weeks. I didn’t know Gus’s schedule anymore. I should have thought of that before impulsively skipping town. I stared at my screen, wondering what to do. He didn’t live in our house anymore, he didn’t have hockey practice. He could be anywhere…with anyone.
Hi. U ok?
No. Where? Please.
My cell lit up with an incoming call. I didn’t answer. I didn’t trust my voice, and I wasn’t going to cry. No way.
I’m calling u.
No, tell me.
Gus sent a confused face emoji. The rink.
I arrived a few minutes later, shaky and unsure. I’d eaten a protein bar on the drive, so at least I wasn’t starving on top of being rattled.
The campus was almost deserted. There were no students crowding the sidewalks, no bustle of activity in the quad, and only a handful of cars in the parking lot at the rink.
I inclined my chin in absent greeting to the woman behind the reception desk and headed inside, down the stairs, pausing when I spotted the lone figure with a hockey stick on the ice, shooting pucks into the goal. My chest heaved as a rogue wave of emotion hit me.
And when he turned and smiled, an ugly sob escaped. I was just glad he was too far to hear it.
Do not lose your shit, Rafe. Do. Not.
Gus skated over and stepped onto the mat, holding his stick like a staff. That smile grew…and grew, like sunshine spilling through a window after a string of cloudy days.
“Hey, what are you—”
“What did you do?” I cut in, my lips pressed together.
Gus narrowed his eyes. “Uh…I don’t know. Gimme a hint.”
“Syracuse. The club.”
“Oh. O-kay…”
“You sponsored me. You did it.” I stabbed my finger into his chest accusingly, my breath hitching.
“I…yeah, I did.”
I wasn’t sure what I’d expected. I’d been prepared for denial or a cavalier brush-off or a gentle reminder that he had money to spend however he wanted.
But the tender expression with the glint of misery in his gaze rocked me to the core.
I didn’t know if I was angry or grateful or if I’d used this newfound knowledge as an excuse to see him once more because no matter what other dreams came true, life without Gus Langley was fucking awful.
“Why? Why did you do it?”
“I—”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” My voice didn’t just crack, it broke.
“Hey…” His expression was tender, consoling…and a little helpless.
“Why?”
“Because I…I love you.”
I was stunned into silence. “Love?”
Gus wrinkled his nose and glanced away for a moment. “I didn’t mean to fire that off at you. I get that it doesn’t change anything, but…I do love you. And if I can help you in any way, I hope you’ll let me.”
“I don’t want your money.” I smacked his chest, quickly losing control of my emotions.
He didn’t flinch. “I get that, but it’s my grandfather’s dough, and he was an amazing guy.
He liked to reward greatness and invest in people who were especially talented.
Trust me, he’d approve. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.
I—whatever, I don’t have an excuse. I just want you to have whatever you need, Rafe. That’s all.”
“I need you,” I rasped.
“Rafe…”
“Don’t you get it? I love you, too. I love you. You don’t get to tell me you’re not enough for me. You don’t!”
“You…”
“I love you,” I repeated. “I want us. I want you. And I want to come home to you. I don’t care if the house is a mess and my orange juice is long gone.” Oh, no. I was a blubbering mess. I wiped my nose on my forearm and continued. “You make me happy and crazy and you bring so much joy and—”
“So do you. Shh. Don’t cry.” He caught a tear with his thumb and cupped my chin. “I’m right here.”
“I know. I just…need you to know that my heart is yours. That’s corny, but it’s true. I choose you, Gus. Choose me back. Please.”
“Yes.” Gus dropped his hockey stick on the ice and wrapped me in his arms, murmuring, “I love you, love you, love you.”
I cupped his scruffy jaw and sealed my mouth to his. Someone cat-called from the opposite side of the rink. Gus didn’t seem to care, and I wasn’t about to pull away.
He chuckled. “I think I just came out to a couple of my new students.”
I glanced at the teenagers zipping by on the ice. “Is that a problem?”
“Not for me.” Gus smiled. “I think it’s best to be unapologetically honest from now on. What you see is what you get.”
“Good. This isn’t a game. It’s real.”
“I know.” He stroked a finger along my jawline. “And if I’ve got you, I’ve already won.”
“Just like that?”
Gus flashed another sunny grin and winked. “Just like that. I love you, Rafey. Let me spend the next seventy-five years showing you how much.”
“Seventy-five. That’s oddly specific.”
“You’re right. I might live to be a hundred and one. Will you think I’m coming on too strong if I say I want to be with you forever?”
I melted inside. “No, it sounds perfect to me.”
And it did.
I wanted to share a lifetime with my best friend.
No dream had substance without this man. No prize mattered. Together, the world seemed infinitely brighter and anything was possible. Even love.