Aldrich
SOMETHING HAD TO give because I couldn’t do this.
I’d lain up for hours after yelling at Sterling for multiple reasons.
The first being that I was damn near afraid to go to sleep again.
I felt unsafe in my home despite this place not being where the shit that happened.
In my dream, I’d been running, doing what I normally did and then suddenly I was tackled, held down and unable to move as I struggled to get up.
But then it wasn’t a bunch of players on me like I was used to.
It was this unseen suffocating weight that wouldn’t let me go and I couldn’t battle it.
I tried to free myself but then I felt hands all over me.
The shit had me wanting to scream out but then I felt like I was being lifted by another hand out of my dream and I could open my eyes.
And that’s when I saw Sterling.
And then I completely screwed up.
I was rude to her, disrespectful, something she didn’t deserve since she was the only reason I’d been able to get out of the dream. I’d been covered in sweat, completely vulnerable but was embarrassed that she’d seen me like that.
That anyone had.
I couldn’t believe my grown ass was having nightmares now.
I was sure that the confrontation at Grass Fed was the issue but damn; I was being triggered now?
Falling back into a memory that almost felt implanted into my head since I had no physical recollection but it didn’t make me feel any less vulnerable.
Helpless. That feeling of helplessness was something I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to shake.
With all the changes I had going on in my life, I hadn’t been able to prioritize my daughter or myself.
The two people I needed to keep at the forefront were both falling behind.
And it seemed like it was going to stay that way out of my control.
My life hadn’t been simple or easy to this point but I’d handled it.
Came out of it in a position that most people only dreamed of.
Losing my father was something that shook my foundation but with the love of our family we could continue to live.
We would never get over his loss, but the pain was something that had dulled.
I still missed my dude like crazy but I felt like I’d coped.
But this right here? It was a burden that I couldn’t share.
Couldn’t shake. A secret shame that was forcing my silence that enabled my name to be slandered in every social media post that Athlete Dirt could come up with.
I was the hottest topic in the football world right now next to my teammate and his new girl and I hated this shit for both of us.
Nobody focused on our game, they focused on our personal lives.
Had me thinking of hiring security for Sterling whenever she went out because I was stressed she was going to have Ami with her one day and get mobbed by people trying to get a picture of her.
Fuck, Sterling.
I needed to figure out something to say I was sorry.
I was completely out of hand for how I handled her especially since she wasn’t clued in to what was up with me or why I was acting out.
And when she’d told me about myself I didn’t bother to deny anything she’d said because she’d been right.
If I kept on I was going to fail the one person who didn’t have anyone else but me in her life: Ami.
I’d driven around half the day with no clear destination before I ended up in a spot that I thought would help me soothe over how I’d fucked up. Now I was easing back into my house apprehensive as fuck because I wasn’t sure how it was going to be received.
I was home earlier than normal and I wasn’t sure how I was going to interrupt the flow of Ami and Sterling’s day but I didn’t want hurt feelings to linger.
I knew I had more than this I needed to do, but I wanted her to see clearly that I wasn’t the man that she’d met when she first got here or the one from last night.
But I knew I’d lost major ground with her and with my baby.
I couldn’t even say why I was so pressed about it. I couldn’t put a name on what it was I wanted from Sterling but I wanted, no needed, her to stick around. And it wasn’t just for Ami’s sake, although when it came down to it that was a major factor.
My phone rang as I was sitting in the car in the driveway and I was hoping it was Ling telling me to come in the house but it was the next best thing.
“What’s up, Sonya?” I connected the call through my phone because I didn’t want someone to come out and hear what we were talking about.
“I will get on a plane and just beat your ass like that time you broke my favorite perfume, Aldrich.”
I had to catch myself from rolling my eyes because she had the nerve to use my whole name so I knew she meant business. “Not you calling me that whole name too.”
“Too? Who out there calling you by your name like that?”
“The nanny.”
“You don’t call that girl that. You call her by her damn name not her fucking title. How would you feel if I called your ass running back? I’m glad I already got our damn tickets to come out and see our grandbaby so that I can make sure you're acting the right way with Sterling.”
“Ma, how you over here taking up for her like that?” I settled back in my seat and got comfortable because once my mama started preaching it was gone be a minute.
“Because I have sense, Aldrich. You over here calling her the damn nanny like she’s not the primary caregiver for my grandbaby. That girl has all of my respect and you need to make sure she has everything she needs to do her job.”
I looked at the phone cause it sounded like she’d been on the phone with Sterling without me. “Ma, you been calling Ling beyond my back?”
“Boy, I ain’t got to sneak and do a damn thing.
I call her because I want to see the baby and we talk.
That girl’s heart is so gentle it comes through over the phone.
The biggest thing is that she is alone with a baby often.
I know how that is having been in the same spot with you, but she’s in a completely different city than the one she grew up in.
You need to make sure that you are providing her with time to herself. ”
I shifted in the leather seat because she wasn’t wrong and I felt like shit having to have it pointed out to me.
Sterling had been with Ami the entire time, even in the room with me when I had her.
I had been using her like a crutch and I felt fucked up that I’d left this girl to her own devices when I was technically responsible for her.
I didn’t even know if she was getting the right number of bathroom breaks and shit and I was sure there was something in that contract about that.
I hadn’t read it at all because at the time my head was nowhere near the right space to keep any of that information. First thing I've gotta correct.
“I hear you, Mama.”
I glanced out the window of the truck and looked at the garage door I’d yet to open.
I didn’t want to give the impression that I wasn’t coming inside, but I was trying to gather my strength to do what I needed to and apologize again.
But somehow I felt like it was the wrong move. But I didn’t have a backup.
“I’m glad you do. Now, go inside.”
I laughed because she knew me too well. When I didn’t want to deal with something I would sit in the car and think my problems out.
The little car I had in high school became my haven and damn near like my second room after my pops died.
Sometimes she’d find me out there and we’d just sit in the car in silence.
I knew it was her way of letting me know she was there if I needed her, despite me knowing she was falling apart inside too.
“I’m going. And I’m going to fix it. You know stuff ain’t been how I wanted it, but I’m working on it, mama.” I must’ve sighed a little too deeply because when she spoke she couldn’t hide the concern in her voice.
“Mijo, tell me what’s going on. I know you.
I’ve seen you with your siblings, that sigh was more than parental fatigue.
"Is all the media stuff getting to you?” My mother being in the medical field meant that she wasn’t one of those parents who just wanted you to pray away your worries.
She would be in the paint talking to us about how we were feeling and helping us work through shit instead of going straight to punishing us for having unregulated emotions.
Since she knew me so well, Sonya Dinero was the one person I couldn’t lie to.
Even if I tried she’d know I was full of shit.
“It’s a lot, Mama. It’s just…a lot. It’s heavy.
With the way you and Dad raised us, I never thought I would be in this spot.
It’s messing with me.” That was as much truth as I could give her without breaking her heart.
Without her hopping a flight and getting charged with desecrating a grave and abuse of a corpse.
She exhaled and I was sure she was trying to find the words to make this better, there just weren’t any.
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through, mijo.
This situation is foreign for all of us but you’re the only one suffering because of it.
Do you have someone to talk to? Doesn’t the team have a doctor? ”
“I’ve had a couple sessions with him already, ma.
” More times than I could admit, I went to Doc before I even went to train.
If I was in the facility I was going to see him at least once a week.
He would have me work through my emotions verbally and then whatever feelings that work brought up I would work out physically.
I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad way to handle it, but it kept me fairly level-headed. At least so far.