CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Ledger
Tonight has brought on a mix of emotions for me.
It’s the first time I’ve been home since facing the reality of what my father did—the lies and deception that kept Asher and me apart. It was easier to push it to the back of my mind when I was away, but now being here—at something we do in his honor—has made it harder to ignore.
There’s hurt. There’s betrayal. And there’s a burning need to share it with my brothers, but an even greater desire not to taint their view of the man he was since we, as humans, tend to canonize the ones we love after their death.
And to have to go up there and speak about him tonight without highlighting any of his flaws felt rather hypocritical.
Especially with Asher sitting there staring at me.
Is that why I asked her here tonight? Because I knew it was going to be tough for me? But then again, what kind of an asshole does that make me? Jesus Christ. Why didn’t I think of this before? I invited her to celebrate the honor of the man who said horrible things to her.
Talk about throwing salt in the wound.
How could I have been so selfish? How could I have been so blind?
I need to find her.
I need to apologize.
She saw the New York City skyline and probably assumed I was taking her out, just the two of us. Not to this.
What an asshole.
“You okay, man?” Callahan asks with a firm pat on my back as I scan the room looking for Asher.
“Yeah. Fine. Good,” I say and shake the thoughts away.
“A three-word answer. That means you’re lying.”
“What’s he lying about?” Ford asks when he steps up.
“Beats the shit out of me.” Callahan shrugs. “My money is on it being about Asher.”
“Asher?” Ford asks with a raise of his eyebrows as if he’s surprised. “What’s the deal there? You going to break that ten-year plan of yours? I believe it’s item six point five under section two that states ‘I will not fall in love or get married until age forty.’”
“Let it go. Don’t do this tonight.”
“Why? If the roles were reversed, big brother, you’d jump at every chance you had to harass the hell out of us,” Ford says.
“So, what gives?” Callahan asks. “Is this a permanent thing or a temporary thing?”
“Because if it’s permanent, then you know Callahan and I have to vet the adult version of her.”
“Take her out for a night, grill her with questions to see if she’s worthy of our big brother. Make sure she—”
“Leave it be,” I say quietly. I’m not in the mood for this, for them, especially when I screwed up royally tonight and need to fulfill my duties so I can get the hell out of here.
“Nope. Not gonna happen.” Ford’s grin is a taunt in and of itself. This isn’t the time. This isn’t the place.
And it sure as hell isn’t any of their business considering they don’t know the whole story.
“Look. Asher and I . . . it’s nothing major,” I say for them to let it go; all the while, those three words feel like they’re burning a hole through my gut.
“It’s just a fling that will be over in three or four weeks when I’m done with my penance in Cedar Falls and get to come back home. Simple. Easy. Done.”