8. Jaxon #2
“And I don’t know how you feel, El. God, I can’t read you at all.
But I know that this is all just a big, confusing mess at times.
We’ve all lived with strict rules about who we could and couldn’t be attracted to that it’s impossible to imagine that everything’s allowed.
But it is. You’re allowed to like me. You’re also allowed to change your mind after last night.
” I shrugged, trying to hold down the words please don’t change your mind.
“I know that,” Elio said.
My shoulders sank a little lower. I grabbed my coffee and took a long sip, trying to look away from him.
He kept his gaze locked onto my face, and avoiding it was impossible. The intensity pulled me in and tempted me to lean forward and touch him. All I had ever wanted was to touch him, feel his presence, and know he wasn’t going to pull away.
“I liked it,” Elio said.
And of all the things that could have happened next, I didn’t expect the heat to soar up my neck and into my face. I didn’t think I was capable of blushing anymore.
Elio shrugged. “I liked everything about it, Jax.”
“You did?” I asked.
“Couldn’t you tell?” he asked, one corner of his lips ticking upward. “You made me feel…” He shook his head when the right word wouldn’t come. “‘Incredible’ isn’t even close to describing it.”
“Really? Because it was all I hoped it would be.” The words tumbled over my lips.
His eyebrows lifted playfully. “So, you were hoping?”
“El, I’ve been hoping for this since the day I met you,” I said.
And he winced.
I cursed myself for never holding my tongue. “Sorry,” I added lamely.
Elio’s left hand reached over, fingers brushing my face, and he put the tip of his thumb on the round bump on the bridge of my nose. He pulled his lower lip between his teeth and bit it hard, shaking his head. “I’ve done some terrible things, Jax,” he whispered.
I leaned my head in just enough to tell him I didn’t want him to pull his hand away. I wanted to feel his fingers on my skin for as long as he would let me. It poured confidence and strength right back into me after the reserves had been dangerously depleted. “I got what I wanted in the end.”
His gaze remained on my eyes for a long while, his hand caressing my face, his thumb moving over the mistake we had made. He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing, and blinked once. “It’s not just you,” he said. “Although this is the worst thing I’ve done.”
“What do you mean?”
“My best friend,” he said, his eyebrows contorting in thought.
“My other best friend. God, I keep fucking things up, Jax. He was outed last week in front of everyone, the whole team, and I…” He pulled his hand away from my face and looked out the window, his eyes still and gaze lost a thousand miles away.
A tremble passed over his lips, and he pressed them together tightly.
His head shook once. “I can’t fix this.”
“What did you do, El?” I asked, my heart clenching.
Pain tightened the muscles in his face, and he looked down where his hands rested in his lap. “Nothing,” he said softly. “Not a goddamn thing.”
The relief was instant. Having been to heaven and hell with Elio, I had expected worse. “I’m sure he’ll understand…”
Elio shook his head. “We’re not…” He hesitated and closed his eyes. “He doesn’t want to hear it.”
To that, I had nothing else to offer.
Elio tapped his knees and forced a calm expression to his face before he looked at me. “I just needed to tell you, Jax. I’m not a very good person. Not sure if I ever was.”
I held my breath for a long time, looking at the tension in his face. “I don’t think you’re a bad person, either.”
“Really?” he asked. “After what I’ve done to you?”
“El, there isn’t a gay guy on this planet who didn’t hate himself at the start,” I told him. “We’d all do well to remember that sometimes. We’re born with that hate.” I tried to take myself back to the moment I had first realized I was different. “Do you remember Callum Connery?”
Elio squinted. “Think so. We had chemistry together.”