8. Jaxon #3
I closed my eyes as I invited the memory.
“He was my first crush. The one before I met you. I had to be twelve, maybe thirteen, when his family had a pool party for his classmates. We weren’t friends.
He was always the cool kid. Rich. That was before Ronan…
” I rolled my eyes. My brother’s wealth had buried us as quickly as an avalanche.
“Anyway, we were still kinda poor, so I was really looking forward to the party. My friends were gonna be there. We’d get all the hot dogs we wanted.
And Callum never stopped talking about his pool.
For a week, that was all we talked about—all the stuff we’d do, who could hold their breath underwater the longest, speculating if there was a slide.
Kid stuff. Until I got there and Callum’s dad opened the door with Callum running behind him.
His hair was lighter than usual because he spent all his waking hours in the sunlight.
He was tanned almost to the point I didn’t recognize him.
” I paused, wondering if I should even go there.
Why the hell not? “Anyway, he’d already been in the pool, and he wore these bright yellow shorts and a snorkel attached to goggles, and just the sight of him made me numb.
I’d never felt anything like it. Like I’d never been aware of my body until that moment.
Or anyone’s body, really. Because I realized, as Callum’s dad ushered me inside the house, that Callum had been developing muscles with all that swimming. And I was gone like that.”
Elio looked at me like I was retelling him some sweet story from childhood, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
“I wanted to run home and hide. I think I knew instantly, but it took me a while to work up the courage and think the words consciously. Like weeks, El. But I couldn’t run, so I followed Mr. Connery inside and had a hot dog off his grill, which took me all afternoon to finish eating.
There was this lump in my throat. I had this stupid, instant urge to do something big, something nobody else would dare, just to impress Cal, but I knew it wasn’t normal.
It wasn’t how I’d behave if I hadn’t seen him in that light.
So, yeah, I pretty much knew the truth.” I snorted.
“I spent the day in the shade, refusing to take my clothes off and swim with everyone else. I munched on that hot dog until it was cold and dry, then I carried it around on a plastic plate until Mom picked me up a few hours later. And I kept searching the pool for Callum, kind of daring myself to look at him. And every time I found him, the same feelings flooded me. And it wasn’t the gooey softness of a first love.
It was the realization that I was cursed.
Why else would I be so afraid whenever he met my eyes? Why else would I be embarrassed?”
The softness left Elio’s face. “So you hid it.”
I nodded. “Like I said, it took me weeks to form that big, bad word inside my head. It took months before I whispered it to a mirror. And then I started high school and met you and forgot all about Callum.” I barely kept the smile off my face.
Elio had never been full of himself. He was friendly, full of hope and optimism, full of kindness.
It was like he befriended me because he sensed I was an outcast. And I’d made myself an outcast by my own choices.
His smile had been the first thing I noticed. Our gazes had met across the classroom, and he’d let his lips spread into a broad, genuine grin. All thoughts of Callum Connery were obliterated by the honesty of Elio’s smile.
I missed the smiling Elio. The man sitting in front of me was broody, burdened with all the sorrows of the world, and just a crack away from being utterly broken.
I doubted people saw under the mask he wore.
I wanted to help him take it off. I guess, at the end of the day, my heart would always belong to him.
“And after…” Elio said, hesitating. He inhaled and tried again. “After that kiss, when I left you on the floor with a broken nose, everyone knew.”
It was not a fond memory, but I went to it.
“Right,” I said. “When it didn’t go as planned, the cat was out of the bag.
My parents weren’t too happy, but the way it all played out made them hold their tongues at first. They processed it a little more by the time they felt I could handle the talk. It played in my favor, to be honest.”
Elio nodded. “I have to tell you something.”
My ears perked, and I waited.
“And if you hate me because of it, I’ll understand, Jax.
It took me until yesterday to know for sure, but when you kissed me that night, it wasn’t the kiss I was afraid of.
I was afraid of how it made me feel.” He leaned in a little closer, his gaze intense and locked onto my face.
“It felt so right and good that I was terrified. I wish…” He shook his head.
“Then Summer opened the door, and I freaked out. I thought I was mistaken. And I chose fear over what I really felt.”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you so suddenly,” I said.
He snorted. “Like you have anything to be sorry for, Jax. It’s my fault. Most things always are.”
I acknowledged that with a nod. “Even so, I can’t hate you, El. I tried my best, and I just couldn’t hold on to it.”
He was quiet for a moment, then lifted his hand and caressed the side of my face before sliding his palm to the back of my head.
He leaned in, his lips hovering near mine.
I could feel his anxiety, and I loved him all the more for letting his lips touch mine despite it.
He kissed me with growing confidence, then pulled back enough to speak, his brow still touching mine. “I don’t deserve you.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. After years of wandering in total darkness, I wasn’t exactly a prize. So I said nothing. My head tipped forward, and I pressed my lips against his. I kissed him deeply and slowly, savoring it, holding on to it for as long as I could. What else was there to want?