Chapter 10 Jasper #3
I wanted it, I wanted Linden's interest and attention.
And I wanted to be pressed up against trees and kissed silly, to be playfully kidnapped, to be thrown over his shoulder, to be smacked on the ass.
Though I couldn't experience any of those wants until my world stopped spinning.
I'd just now—this afternoon!—turned clear eyes on my life and I had to understand what I was seeing before I allowed it to get blurry again.
"We're losing the light," Linden said. "And god forbid you get your shoes muddy. We better go."
We untangled ourselves from our embrace and walked side by side back to the main trail, our hands linked.
Linden pointed out birds and commented on the trees, which were young or old, healthy or declining, native or non-native.
He didn't seem to mind that I was only half listening.
He might've been giving this guided tour for that exact reason, considering he rarely spoke more than necessary.
With every murmur and nod I offered him, another newly distilled realization sounded in my head.
You only stayed in that job because you didn't know what else to do.
You stayed because Timbrooks let you do whatever you wanted.
You stayed because you didn't want to start over, didn't want to work your way up all over again.
You stayed because you felt important there.
You stayed because you wanted to prove to your family you were better and smarter and more capable than they said you'd ever be.
You stayed because you wanted to prove it to yourself. Because you wanted to believe it.
We returned to Linden's house and there was no debate as to whether I was coming inside with him.
There was stew in the fridge, he'd said by way of explanation.
We'd have stew and we wouldn't talk about any of my confessions, I'd decided.
Though I didn't say it, Linden picked up that signal without a problem.
From the moment we stepped inside, he chattered on about a golf course on Cape Cod he visited frequently because they insisted on planting trees that didn't belong in this region, the baseball game he recently attended with his siblings, and something about neighborhood Halloween festivities.
I leaned against the countertop while he poured the stew into a cast-iron pot to warm and went on about the baseball season and how it was running long this year.
Everything he said hit me about ten seconds after he said it, as if my brain was stretched beyond the point of withstanding regular conversation.
I knew it was happening because he'd stare at me expectantly in moments when I was due to react or respond but I'd only blink at him.
"What was that?" I asked. "I'm sorry. I didn't catch the last part."
"No worries," he murmured, setting several muffin-y things on a baking sheet. "I just asked if you like popovers."
I pointed at the sheet. "Those are popovers, I take it?"
"Yeah. My mom bakes them whenever she's cooking stew. She believes it to be a symbiotic relationship." He cocked his head to the side, frowned. "Are popovers not a thing in the South?"
"I can't speak for the whole of the South but they're not a thing where I'm from."
Nodding, he shoved the tray into the oven. "They won't be as stunningly bad as your cupcakes so you might not like them."
"It's a risk I'll have to take."
Linden pulled a bottle of wine from the fridge and I decided it was pure coincidence he had the same bottle I was drinking last week on hand. Lots of people drank sauvignon blanc. It was nothing. This was nothing.
"Would you like a glass?" he asked.
"Please." I wanted to cross the kitchen and stand beside him while he prepared the meal, letting our hands and hips bump as we worked together.
I wanted to drop my head onto his shoulder and be content for one minute.
I wanted to wrap my arms around this thick torso and bury my face in his shirt.
I wanted to crawl into his lap and let him hold me.
I wanted to link my arm with his, tip my head toward the bedroom, and let him lead me there.
I wanted to be the person who asked for those things without talking myself out of it, without convincing myself he'd refuse me.
Without believing I didn't want or need it.
"So, this stew. Does your mother cook for you frequently? "
He barked a laugh into the refrigerator as he reached for a beer. "Hardly. I mean, she always has a freezer full of soups and casseroles and will send me home with twenty pounds of rice if I'm not careful."
"And somehow you ended up with half a dozen popovers and a week's worth of stew."
He rolled his eyes. "My mother was in rare form today. I took a lot more than stew."
"What does that mean?"
"Some of the shrubs in her yard died over the summer—that drought was a bitch—so I agreed to meet her at a garden center to pick out replacements.
To say my mother is a kid in a candy shop when it comes to garden centers would be an insult to kids.
My mother doesn't care whether a tree is too big for her land or she doesn't have room for more potted plants.
She will buy it all and then she'll get back to the house and holler at me to make it work for her. "
"The next time you accompany her on one of these shopping trips, I'd really love to come along. I won't say a word, I just want to watch."
"You're hilarious." He tapped his beer bottle against my wineglass.
No disasters occurred this time. "But here I am, thinking I'm along to help with the shrubs, and she busts out with all this—" He stopped himself, taking a deep pull of his beer.
"Well, she had a lot of little things she wanted to share with me and then she casually says she and my father are having a fortieth anniversary party because they don't want to wait in case either of them die before they hit their fiftieth. "
An unpleasant wheezing noise came up from my chest. "Oh. Oh, wow. That's—"
"It's fucking nuts," he said. "And, like, do I need to think about my parents dying sometime in the next ten years? No, I really don't. That's what we have my brother for. He's the one who handles that shit. Not me."
I stared at my glass for a moment, my pointer and middle fingers on either side of the stem. There was never a time when this topic didn't hurt like hell. "But you got stew out of it, so that's not a terrible bargain. Right?"
"The stew only came my way because my dad took off on a last-minute golf trip with some of his friends yesterday. I'm told she gave him a very hard time about choosing between golf and the stew, which she'd spent all day making."
"Sounds fair," I replied. "It also sounds like you see a lot of your family."
"I do." He pulled open the oven door, bent down to peer inside. "My brother and sister both live in Boston and my parents are in New Bedford. I'm always seeing one of them."
"That must be nice." There was a note of bitterness in my tone that I hadn't intended and Linden noticed immediately.
"What about your family? Are they in Georgia?"
I shook my head because no, I didn't have any real family there but more importantly, no, we could not talk about this now. "Not too much. Can I get out some dishes or set the table? Tell me what to do. If you don't, I'll invent something to do."
He stared at me for a long, knowing beat before saying, "Yeah, sure. Grab some of the deep bowls up there, in that cabinet."
We sat across the battered old kitchen table from each other as we ate.
The stew was really good. It was the kind of meal my mother liked to call stick to your ribs food.
And the popovers were interesting. The hollow muffin seemed like a symbol of my present stage of life but it was tasty with butter.
Also symbolic.
We discussed my projects at Midge's house and the times I'd spotted Sinatra wandering around the yard.
We discovered neither of us had seen a new movie in years and we seemed unscathed by this.
There was a touchy moment when Linden asked if Cleary was my married name and I only shook my head in response.
He grabbed a recent copy of the local paper and pointed out an article about the Halloween events.
Halloween was a big deal around here.
Apparently it was almost October and I needed to start caring about Halloween.
We washed the dishes together, me at the sink because I was going to crawl out of my skin if Linden refused to let me do something.
He parked himself beside me while he dried the dishes, an eye on me as if he expected me to light the sponge on fire.
Then he set the last spoon aside and came up behind me, his hands falling to my waist and his body warm against my back.
"I want to kiss you again." He dragged his lips along the back of my neck, under my ear. "But I don't think that's what you need."
I braced my palms flat on either side of the sink. "And who are you to determine what I need?"
There was a moment where he hesitated but it was gone before I could examine it. He tightened his hold on my hips and rocked against me, every hot inch firm against my backside.
"Someone who tends to be right about these things."
I didn't know whether he was trying to be amusing with that comment but I laughed just the same. "Why do you think you're right about this?"
He hummed against my neck—maybe it was a growl—and I nearly lost my balance from the rumbly waves that noise sent coursing through me. "Because I know I won't stop at kissing you."
He was so hard. His shaft was thick and solid, even through the layers of his jeans and my leggings, and my thoughts condensed down to the empty, needy clench between my legs.
I was pinned here, between an unyielding man and a cast-iron sink, burning up, and everything was blurry when I tuned into the rolling pressure of his body. Of what it could be.
"Because I'll want more than your mouth and this is not the night for that," he added.