Chapter Twenty-Eight
When you get close to people, you lose them. That’s the way it goes.
Adam felt the loss of Rachel’s presence in his everyday affairs like the sting of a wasp.
She had only been avoiding him for about a day, and yet it was impossible to focus on anything, impossible to keep to his work.
He had allowed Ruth to take over the bulk of the ranch duties in the past twenty-four hours, and she hadn’t said anything about the increase in her work.
But Adam knew he wasn’t exactly being fair to her.
The excuse he made—even in his own mind—was that someone had to do the household chores, since Rachel wasn’t doing them. And it’s true. The words felt stubborn even to him, but he refused to let the idea go. Someone did have to prepare Mason’s dinner, after all.
Not that I’m well-equipped for such a task.
He looked down at the plate of cheese sandwiches in front of him. They’d eaten so well, the both of them, since Rachel had arrived. This was going to be a definite setback, and he wouldn’t blame Mason for being annoyed about it. “Dinner,” he called.
Mason appeared in the doorway.
He was so well-groomed. The combed hair and the well-fitting clothes had become normal for him, of course, so Adam shouldn’t have been surprised…
but he was reminded of the last time he had been responsible for providing their dinner.
He hadn’t improved in the kitchen since then, but there had been a massive improvement in Mason’s appearance.
The boy’s table manners were better, too—he went to the table and shook out his napkin, laying it gently in his lap as Adam brought the sandwiches to the table.
“Is Rachel coming to dinner?” he asked, looking up at Adam with wide, hopeful eyes.
Adam looked down at his plate. “I doubt it,” he said.
“I wish she would come,” Mason lamented. “I don’t know why I haven’t seen her all day. Is she ill?”
“No,” Adam said. “But I told you that she needed to take a rest.” He had decided against letting Mason know about Jennifer’s presence.
With Levine nosing around, the risk that Mason might let something slip was too great.
He couldn’t afford to take the chance. And besides, giving Mason information that he didn’t need, information that could put him in harm’s way, could end very badly for the boy.
It was better for everyone that he didn’t know.
He took a sandwich, put it on his plate, and nudged the plate in Mason’s direction. “Eat,” he said. “When we’re finished, I’ll take the leftovers down to the bunkhouse so Rachel can have some.”
“I’ll take them,” Mason suggested. “I’d like to see Rachel. Actually, maybe I could go now so I can have my dinner with her?” He started to get to his feet.
“No,” Adam said hastily. “Sit down.” He pointed to the chair. “I understand, Mason, but Rachel really does need some time on her own. We can’t bother her.”
Mason frowned and opened his mouth as if to argue—but before he could, he was interrupted by the kitchen door opening.
Rachel stood there. She was infinitely tidier than the last time Adam had seen her.
Her chestnut hair was combed immaculately and tied in a flawless bun.
Her dress, in a pale blue, was one of the simplest ones she owned, with no adornments whatsoever, but it was clean and pressed.
Her eyes were downcast, and Adam couldn’t help thinking that she did not want to be there.
“Rachel!” Mason enthused. “You came to have dinner with us!”
She looked at him and managed a smile. “Of course,” she said. “I look forward to dinners with you, Mason. I wouldn’t want to miss it. I’m so sorry I couldn’t prepare the meal for you tonight.” She looked at the plate of sandwiches. “This does look very nice, though,” she added.
“Well, it isn’t as nice as your cooking,” Mason said frankly. “But Adam does his best. Sit down.”
Her face was pale, Adam noticed. In spite of the obvious care she’d taken with her appearance, that was something she couldn’t hide. She came to the table and sat. Mason picked up a sandwich and held it out to her.
He’s trying so hard. In spite of the reassurances Adam had tried to offer him, Mason must have sensed that something wasn’t right. Thank goodness he’ll never be able to guess what it really is!
They managed a dinner that was almost normal.
Rachel and Mason spoke to one another about how they had spent the day.
Adam remained quiet, not joining in, hardly even listening.
His head buzzed with anticipation. Rachel was here—that must mean she wanted to talk about what had happened between them.
What would he say to her? He wanted to apologize for having made things so uncomfortable.
But what if she took an apology to mean that he was sorry he had nearly kissed her? What if she thought he regretted it?
Well…I do regret it. It was a terrible thing to do, because I can’t allow myself to get that close to her. To anyone.
It was so easy to get hurt when you allowed yourself to need someone else. It was the most horrifying thing in all the world. And no matter how much he cared for Rachel, that was something he would never allow himself to go through again.
***
When dinner was over, Mason wanted to stay with them. “I can help do the dishes,” he said. “Don’t make me go.”
For the first time since she had arrived at the house, Rachel made eye contact with Adam. He was sure she was thinking the same thing he was. Neither of them wanted to see Mason suffer.
It was Rachel who found the strength to answer. “I know it’s hard that you and I have been a little distant this last day or so,” she told him. “I just need to get some rest. And right now, I need to speak with Adam privately. But I promise, you and I will spend time together again before long.”
Her eyes were glistening. Was that a trick of the light? Or was she tearing up?
Could I have upset her that badly?
He waited until Mason had left the room, then turned toward her, but she had already moved away. She was gathering the plates from the table, carrying them to the sink to begin the task of washing the dishes. He hesitated a moment, then started to collect the silverware.
“You don’t need to do that,” she told him. “I can manage. It’s my job.”
Her voice was thick, and she still wasn’t looking at him. The words pierced Adam’s heart. It wasn’t lost on him that she had become more amenable, as time had gone on, to accepting his help with the tasks in the kitchen. The fact that she was pushing him away now seemed laden with meaning.
It also seemed as though it would have significant consequences if he allowed her to do it. “Don’t be silly.” His own voice was gruffer than he had meant it to be, and he cleared his throat. “I’m happy to help with this.”
She didn’t argue. Maybe she just thought it would be easier to give in.
They needed to talk, but how were they going to start the conversation? Was he just supposed to dive into it? Say to her, I know that I almost kissed you, and that it’s made things uncomfortable between us. I’m sorry about that.
What a bizarre statement.
And it would probably only make things worse.
In the end, though, he didn’t need to say anything at all. She paused before the sink, staring down into the basin for a moment as if collecting her thoughts, and then turned to face him.
“It’s time for me to go,” she said quietly.
He stared at her.
Something inside him ripped into an agonized scream, but it was small and far away, easy to suppress. He wouldn’t let her see how much pain he was in, how much those six words had gutted him.
“What are you talking about?” he managed.
“We both knew I wasn’t going to be here forever,” she explained. “I have to leave. I have to move on. This situation with Jennifer…” She drew in a sharp breath and turned her back to him. “This is a sign, Adam. This is a sign from God. It’s time for me to go. I can’t ignore that.”
He shook his head. “This is nonsense.”
“Please don’t make it harder than it has to be.” Her voice was husky with emotion. She doesn’t want to do this. Why is she doing this?
“You can’t go,” he told her. “Mason needs you here. He’s just starting to turn things around, Rachel. Having you has been so good for him—and now you just want to leave?”
“Stop.” Her voice broke. “Please stop. Please don’t make it about Mason. You know perfectly well that if you do that, I’ll never be able to go.”
“Why do you have to go at all?” It was about the near-kiss, he was sure, and he wanted to say the words. He wanted to say just because I almost kissed you doesn’t mean you have to uproot everything.
It was too vulnerable. It would let her know how much that moment had occupied his thoughts. She probably wasn’t thinking about it at all. Hadn’t she always said that this was going to be a temporary arrangement? He couldn’t be surprised now that that had turned out to be the truth.
But why now? If it wasn’t about the kiss, if there was another reason, what was that reason?
“It’s because of Jennifer,” Rachel said.
“Stop trying to clean up,” he said sharply. “Come sit back down and talk to me about this.”
“I’m just trying to get the dishes washed, Adam.” There was sheer exhaustion in her voice.
“I understand what you’re doing.” He was beginning to get angry. “You owe me more than a side conversation while you tend to the chores, though, Rachel. After everything we’ve been through, caring for Mason together, give me the dignity of a face-to-face conversation.”
He thought she was still going to refuse. She took a deep breath and released it slowly.
Then she turned to face him.
His heart missed a beat.
Tears were streaming down her cheeks. Her hands were shaking. She fisted her fingers, trying to steady herself, then shook her hands out when that failed.
He had never seen her like this. Not when Mason had gone missing. Not when she had left her stepfather’s house. Never.
“I can’t stay here,” she said. “Not forever. You know I never meant to stay forever. And now I have Jennifer to think about. She has nowhere else to go. She’s alone in the world except for me.”
“I told you that she could stay here.” His voice rose in pitch, and he hated it.
He was betraying his own rising panic. He sat down at the table and used his foot to push out a chair, hoping to seem nonchalant.
Maybe it worked; she sank into it, clutched her hands together in her lap, and stared down at them.
He watched the tears drip into the folds of her skirt and longed to reach out and take her in his arms. But it would have been wrong.
It would have been a mistake. He restrained himself.
“She can’t live here,” Rachel said. “Jennifer…she isn’t like me. She isn’t going to be able to take a job on your staff and live in your bunkhouse and make those things her life.”
“It sounds to me like you’re telling me you can’t do that either,” Adam said, feeling as if he was trying to swallow a lemon. “If you’re leaving, I mean.”
Rachel looked up at him. “You know I’ve loved it here, Adam,” she whispered. “You know how much this place has meant to me. How much you and Mason have meant to me.”
“And yet you’re going to leave.”
“Can you give me a reason to stay?” She searched his gaze. “A reason I should remain here instead of moving on?”
“Isn’t Mason enough of a reason?” he demanded, throwing his hands up.
Rachel shook her head slowly. She ran her fingers over the wood of the table, as if centering herself. “You know I love Mason,” she managed. “You know how much I care for him and want him to be happy. You do know, don’t you?”
Heavily, Adam nodded. He wouldn’t dishonor her by pretending otherwise, even though he wanted to demand of her how she could possibly claim to love Mason if she was going to leave him behind.
“Mason isn’t my child,” she said. “Mason isn’t my family.
I know I’ve helped him, but…the truth is that the amount I’ve come to care for him is a reason to leave, not a reason to stay.
” She dabbed at her eyes. “I’m too attached,” she went on.
“He means too much to me. I’ll start to think of him as mine if I stay here, but he isn’t mine, and that’s not fair to either one of us. You know it’s not.”
He pressed his palms flat against the table. The feeling that surged through him was strong and unpleasant and something that was neither anger nor sadness. Adam hadn’t known those two things could mix into the bitter cocktail he was currently experiencing.
“If I’m going to stay here,” Rachel said, “I need a reason that’s true. Not the fact that I’ve begun to feel maternal toward Mason, because I am not his mother. There has to be something real holding me here…and I just don’t know that there is. But…”
She leaned toward him, her eyes widening slightly, her face softening. Fresh tears sprang up in her eyes.
It’s not her feelings for Mason that are the problem here.
“Give me something,” she whispered. “Give me a reason to stay here, Adam, and I will. Let me believe there is a life for me here…something outside of just doing chores and growing old with no real attachments to anybody. If you tell me there’s more, I will believe you.
Even if there’s only a hope of something more. I’ll wait. I will.”
It was so little to ask! All she wanted was hope—and Adam knew exactly what she needed him to say.
It would even be true. Because I do feel what she’s asking. I feel it so powerfully! All I need to do is tell her that, and she’ll stay with me—with Mason.
He wished he didn’t know how easy it could be.
He wished she hadn’t offered.
Because the truth was that he couldn’t say it.
Even if he did feel it, he couldn’t take the risk.
It was better that she just leave right now.
That way, they wouldn’t have risked getting even more entangled in one another, and losing each other when it was impossible to heal.
If he lost her now, it would hurt, but he’d survive it.
It was easy to imagine a future not too far down the road when the pain of cutting her out of his life would destroy him.
He got up from the table and turned away from her.
She let out a little gasp, as if she had been punched in the stomach, and Adam despised himself for hurting her.
But to do it later would be worse.
“I’ll finish up the dishes,” he said. “You should get back to your sister. She needs you more than I do.”
A long silence followed those words, during which Adam had all the time in the world to think about what he had just said and to wish he hadn’t said it.
He very nearly took the words back—he was on the verge of turning and telling her he hadn’t meant that at all—but then he heard the front door close.
He turned around and was greeted by nothing but an empty kitchen.