Chapter Thirty
The house was cold and quiet when Adam came down for his breakfast, despite the sun shining through the kitchen window.
He had grown used to that over the past few days.
Or perhaps it would have been more accurate to say that he’d grown used to that over the past several years—it was only in very recent days that Rachel’s presence had injected warmth into his life.
To have her keeping her distance was jarring, but it was, in the end, only a return to a life he had known before he’d ever met her.
He began to get his breakfast together. This was another thing that had returned to normal—the food was once again substandard around here.
Today there would be eggs, but he knew that he would overcook them.
He always seemed to do that. Rachel’s eggs were light and fluffy and perfectly done every time, and it was a skill Adam hadn’t seemed to master yet.
Mason hadn’t complained about the drop in food quality over the past couple of days. He was being a good sport about it. But Adam knew that they were going to have to address the matter eventually. They’d both grown used to good cooking.
Maybe we can hire someone else to do the job Rachel was doing once she goes.
They might have to. It was undeniable that having her here had made a difference for Mason, and Adam couldn’t overlook that.
But at the same time, the thought of replacing her was excruciating. How could he possibly do that? He couldn’t. He would have to think of something else.
Maybe she would decide not to leave after all.
I’ll speak to her today, he resolved as he set the pan on the stove and got the eggs out. He cracked one into a bowl and began to stir it vigorously with a fork. I’ll tell her that I handled our last conversation badly and that I don’t want her to go.
Would she listen, though? It was likely she would ask—again—to be given a reason to stay. It was perfectly clear to Adam what reason she had been asking for, and he couldn’t offer her that. He couldn’t give her a future with him.
I’m a monster for having led her on to believe such a thing was possible when I always knew it wasn’t. I should have kept more of a distance from her from the very start. If only I didn’t care for her so much, this would have been easier.
On instinct, he glanced toward the door. A part of him still yearned to see her walk through it, even though he knew she wasn’t going to. She would avoid him until the moment she left for good. That was apparent.
He paused.
There was something on the floor in front of the door. A small white rectangle. A folded piece of paper.
Even as he moved toward it, it was as though someone had dumped ice water over his head. This was something bad. He couldn’t have said how he knew it, but looking at that innocuous white rectangle felt as dangerous as looking at a rattlesnake on his kitchen floor.
Dizzy with fear, he walked over to it, picked it up, and unfolded it.
Adam -
Jennifer and I have decided to go. There’s no point in drawing things out. I want to thank you for the kindness you’ve shown to both of us during the time we were here. I won’t forget it.
We’ll stay at the boarding house in town for a few nights while we finalize our plans.
As soon as we’re able, we’ll board a train that will take us to wherever we decide to go next.
I haven’t yet made a decision about where that will be, but I will write you one more time when we arrive so that things won’t end in mystery.
I’ll keep you, Ruth, and Mason in my prayers as I move forward. I hope that we can remember one another fondly.
All my best, and may God bless you,
Rachel.
Adam stared at the paper for a long time. His vision seemed to blur. It was impossible to focus on what was in front of him. The words played themselves over and over in his mind.
We’ll stay at the boarding house. She was so eager to leave that she would pay to stay at a boarding house rather than here with him.
I hope that we can remember one another fondly.
That could only mean she never intended to see him again—that this letter was their final exchange.
She’d mentioned writing one more time when she arrived wherever she was going, but that letter probably wouldn’t contain much.
It would be the name of a city, nothing more, and she would be too far away by then for him to ever find her.
It was over. Everything between them was over.
He crumpled the paper in his hand and threw it onto the counter. Eggs forgotten, he walked out of the house and onto the porch.
Ruth was standing in the yard, clearly waiting for him.
“She’s gone, isn’t she?” she asked quietly, tucking her hands into the pockets of the trousers she wore to work. “I woke up this morning and the bunkhouse was empty. Their suitcases are gone.”
Adam gave a brisk nod, jogging down the steps. He couldn’t even make eye contact with Ruth right now. “We have work to do,” he said firmly. “Rachel has made her decision, and we need to focus on our responsibilities.”
“Adam, for pity’s sake…stop. Stop walking.”
He didn’t, and she had to hurry to keep pace with him. She pulled even alongside him, though she was taking long strides to match his and keep up. “Will you please talk to me?” she demanded, grabbing his arm and pulling him to a stop.
He could have wrenched free of her, but he didn’t—there was no point. They would be side by side all day anyway, and he didn’t want to risk overpowering her. “Ruth, we have work to do,” he said, sighing. “There isn’t anything to talk about here.”
“Fine. Don’t talk. Listen,” she said. “Listen to me now, because failure to listen is exactly what’s gotten you into this mess in the first place.”
He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You do,” she snapped. “You do these things to yourself, Adam. You’re a good man. You could have people in your life. You could have a woman like Rachel by your side.”
He looked away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he managed, though every muscle in his body had tightened at her suggestion.
“Yes, you do,” she said evenly. “I know you pretty well, Adam. Better than anyone else does. I’ve seen the way having her here has changed you.
I know you’re hurt that she’s leaving, and that there was a part of you that wanted her to stay forever.
And I know why, too.” Her eyes narrowed.
“Do you know how long I’ve thought about this?
That a day might come when you would finally allow yourself to love somebody?
I thought she would be the one. I really did. ”
“It’s too risky.” Adam started walking again, hurrying this time, and reached the stable. He threw open the door and went inside, hoping that would be enough to put an end to this conversation.
It wasn’t. She followed him in. “Risky,” she repeated sharply. “I knew you would say that. But what’s the risk, Adam? Tell me that.”
“If you know so much, why don’t you know that too?” He opened Chestnut’s stall and led him out, grabbing the grooming brush from its hook on the wall.
Ruth leaned against one of the other stalls and folded her arms. “I do know,” she said. “But I want you to say it.”
“I’m not doing this with you.”
Her tone softened. “Adam, I’m your closest friend,” she reminded him. “I will always take your side. But right now I feel as if you’re at war with yourself. Let me help you figure this out before it’s too late.”
“It’s already too late. She’s already left.”
“She’s at the boarding house in town. She’ll be there for at least a day before she’s able to board a train,” Ruth said.
“It’s not too late at all. You’re telling yourself that because you want to give up.
But I’m not going to let you give up. Knowing her has changed you, Adam.
So I want you to tell me why you can’t go after her. Tell me what’s stopping you.”
She wasn’t going to let this go. Adam braced a hand on the wall as the old fear rose up inside him.
“God will take her away from me,” he gritted out.
The words hurt to say. The idea hurt even to think about.
Suddenly he was right back in the moment of realizing his father had died.
The same sick horror welled up inside him, the same feeling of falling with nowhere to land.
The realization that no one was watching out for you, that no one was going to protect you, was not a thing a man could ever forget.
It lived inside his body. It would never leave.
“You’re losing her right now,” Ruth said softly.
“You’re telling me that you won’t go after her because you’re afraid of losing her, but if you stay here and do nothing, you lose her anyway.
How can you possibly think that’s the right decision?
” She shook her head. “And why do you think God wants to take her away from you?”
“You know why. I’m not going to make the mistake now of assuming that God wants me to have good things when I have so much evidence to the contrary.”
“All right.” All the softness left Ruth’s voice.
Adam looked up in surprise. He had never heard her sound so much like an older sister, and it shocked him.
“I’ve put up with quite a lot of this, Adam,” she said.
“I’ve been patient. I’ve listened to you talk about how God has let you down for years.
No, don’t start brushing Chestnut.” For he had turned away from her words to do just that.
“Give me that brush.” She held out her hand.
He was so shocked by her turn of attitude that he held it out to her without hesitation. She placed it on a shelf.
Pointing to a hay bale, she said, “Sit down.”
He sat.
She stood before him, hands on her hips.
“I knew your father,” she reminded him. “He was always so proud of you. And I won’t tell you that would have changed.
I don’t think it would. But what I do think is that he would be very disappointed to see the way you’ve handled his death.
He would be heartbroken to know that losing him had caused you to turn your back on God in this way. ”
“God turned His back on me!” Adam jumped to his feet. This was hardly fair. “You say that as if I was the one to…to abandon the relationship!”
“Sit down.”
Slowly, he sank back down. Ruth had never been harsh on him like this.
“God never abandoned you, Adam,” she said, her tone softening slightly.
“I know that was what it felt like to you. And I never wanted to argue, because I saw that you needed to process things in your own way and in your own time. I know how difficult it was for you to lose your father. But can’t you see that it’s going too far?
Think about it. God brought Rachel into your life—why do you think that was?
You’ve been pushing Him away for so long, and He brings you to a woman whose faith is stronger than anyone I’ve ever met.
Don’t you understand?” She shook her head.
“God is trying to bring you back to Him, Adam. He gave you Rachel as a way of calling you home.”
A shiver passed through Adam.
“That’s not true,” he managed, but his throat was dry.
“You don’t want it to be true,” she countered. “Why don’t you want it to be true?”
“Because…” He hesitated. “That would mean God never turned His back on me.”
“That would mean you were the one who turned your back,” Ruth said gently.
A tidal wave of shame broke over Adam. He turned his face away from Ruth.
“God knows you, Adam,” Ruth murmured, and now she was gentler than she had been throughout the conversation.
She wasn’t moving closer to him, and yet he felt as if her hand was resting on his shoulder.
“God knows you were in pain, and He knows you need to find your own way back. But I believe Rachel was an invitation to you, and I wish you would accept it. Because God loves you. And I think Rachel loves you too. You can’t let that slip away.
You can’t lose something so good when it’s been offered to you. ”
Her words sank into Adam’s heart.
She was right.
All along, Rachel had been there, a gift from God welcoming him back, and Adam had refused to see it. And now he was going to let her walk out of his life because he was too afraid to accept what God had to offer him.
“Sometimes we lose things,” Ruth murmured. “Sometimes we lose people we love. But isn’t that still better than never allowing ourselves to love at all?”
Yes.
He was on his feet. “I have to go,” he said. “I have to go into town. Can you look after Mason?”
“Of course.” Now she did touch his arm. “Bring her home to us, Adam.”
Adam nodded. He was already hauling himself up onto Chestnut’s back, not even taking the time for a saddle. He had to get to Rachel. Now that he knew he was going to go to her, it felt imperative to do it as quickly as possible.
She was already slipping through his fingers. If he delayed, even moments, he might lose her for good.
As he rode out of the stable, a desperate plea formed in his mind.
God, forgive me for taking so long to realize what You were trying to give me. Help me find her and bring her back.