Chapter 30 #2
It might have baffled her if the look had lasted longer than a second. But his brows fell low and fierce over his eyes again, and rather than questioning what she’d seen milliseconds prior, she convinced herself it’d been a trick of her mind.
“You should have told me,” he growled.
“Well, it didn’t occur to me because I normally don’t have unprotected sex.”
“Unprotected?”
“Condoms, Dominic. The guys I’ve slept with have always worn condoms.”
And she’d rarely, if ever, told them she had a coil. The one time she had, the guy had jokingly refused to wear a condom, and she’d ended up leaving his uni dorm room. So it hadn’t crossed her mind to tell Dominic either.
At the mention of other men, blazing, red and green flames shrouded the air around him. A dark shadow cast over his face as his jaw muscle pulsed and his shoulders tensed.
It was jealousy. She recognised it instantly. How could she not when it encircled her in two greedy, grasping paws that were trying to keep her and mark her all the same?
She jabbed an angry finger at him. “Don’t look at me like that as if you haven’t slept with other women before me, Dominic, so you don’t get to be jealous of my past.”
He had the decency to glance away, the apple in his throat bobbing. But in that moment of quiet, the absurdity of the situation settled upon her.
Rayna slumped back, puffing out a breath as she shook her head. “Marriage? Seriously? What were you thinking?”
His eyes flashed vividly. “I was thinking about your welfare, Rayna. I was thinking about our child. I wanted to make sure you had my name and protection no matter what, and marriage was the only acceptable answer to that. I could not have allowed anything less. So do not act as if I suggested something foolish, you damned woman.”
“It is foolish, you stupid man,” she snapped back.
“I would never ever marry you. And you’re from the fucking past, have you forgotten that?
” She shook her head. “You’re not here to stay, Dominic.
You’re going back to your own time in less than three months.
Why did you even think we could get married in the first place? ”
A quiver of renewed panic darted between the rungs of her ribs.
Had Dominic forgotten he had to go back to his own time? Or was he hoping he’d be able to stay in the present? He couldn’t. They wouldn’t let him.
That alarm was quickly followed by a whisper of guilt.
Was this her fault? Had she given him these ideas by getting involved with him?
He’d only end up getting hurt when the POTeM Board told him he had no other choice but to return. And that—
“Why would you never marry me?” Dominic questioned, cutting through her thoughts.
She stared, her jaw slackened in disbelief. Is that all he fucking heard?
“You’re—from—the past,” she said, slow and deliberate. “What part of that do you not understand? How could I marry you? You’re leaving in a few months.”
He stood still and silent, then, “What if I were to stay?”
Rayna’s heart tripped onto the floor.
Fuck. There it was.
He was thinking about staying.
She shook her head, unable to utter anything until it all just came flooding out. “You can’t. Dominic, you can’t. They won’t let you. You have to go back. They’ve never let any Study stay. Ever. So don’t wish for things that aren’t possible. You—”
She cut off on a stifled sound of distress.
Because the words were getting caught, tangling over themselves, until they felt difficult to formulate. It felt uncomfortable voicing them as something akin to unease trembled through her pulse.
He dropped his chin, hiding his face for several moments before lifting his head. Other than a dullness, his expression was entirely unreadable. For the first time, she had no idea what was going on in his head. Couldn’t even attempt to guess either.
“That is not what I mean, sweetheart,” he said as he walked around the breakfast bar towards her.
“You have rejected the idea of marriage to me multiple times now. I would like to know why. If it were possible, why would you never marry me?” He towered over her, leaving little space between them.
“Why is it that whenever I mention marriage, you behave as though I have threatened you with torture?”
She might have laughed in another situation and said marriage was the same as torture for a woman. Instead, she lengthened her spine. “Because I don’t ever want to get married, Dominic. Not to you. Not to anyone.”
His head reeled back. “Whatever do you mean? You have to marry. It is a part of life.”
Oh, here we go.
She grunted and rolled her eyes. “No, I don’t, and no, it’s not. It’s a societal construct created by men to trap and control women. It’s historically been used as a weapon to suppress women and own them like property, while giving them little to no rights or freedom.
“And it’s still not that different. Now women have their freedom by law, but some men still use and abuse their wives.
Or they marry because they’re so incompetent that they’re just looking for someone to care for them like a fucking child.
Oh, and let’s not forget how men have throughout history been known and encouraged to break their vows of fidelity.
So what’s the point of marriage then if it holds no significance anyway?
“It’s sold to women as this wonderful happily ever after they should look forward to, but all it really is is a prettily packaged form of abuse.”
Dominic’s mouth hung open by the time Rayna ended her mini-monologue.
Then he bristled, his feathers ruffling like he was personally affronted by what she said. “That is not what marriage is.” She scoffed again, and his shoulders stiffened. “It is not. Marriage is about care and protection and responsibility. It is about—”
“Protection from what exactly? What do I need protecting from, huh? Lions, and tigers, and bears? Not that a man would win against them anyway.”
“Not in that sense, but security—”
She chuckled and threw her hands out. “And there it is. Security. The thing that men have historically withheld from women by not allowing them their own money, limiting their education, shaming them for doing the exact same things men do, and preventing them from being in the same spaces. And then they had the absolute audacity to go, ‘Marry me and I’ll give you security,’ as if they didn’t purposely create an environment where women felt unsafe so that they had no choice but to rely on a man, and therefore ended up under his control. ”
She gestured to herself. “But I don’t need that security.
I don’t need protection. I have my own money.
I have a job that I love. I have my own car, my own house, and an apartment I rent out.
I have my own freedom, I can prioritise my own happiness instead of some man who’s just going to be a useless burden. So what incentive do I have to marry?”
“Companionship,” he said, the word falling heavy and troubled from his lips. “Someone to call your own. Love, Rayna. What about those things?”
“I don’t believe in love.”
His jaw came apart with a baffled scoff. Then his hands went to his hips as he stared like she’d lost her mind. “What on Neves do you mean you don’t believe in love?”
“I mean, I don’t believe in it. It doesn’t exist in anything other than books and movies.”
“Do you not love Victor?”
“No, that’s different. He’s family—”
“Your husband would be your family—”
“My husband would be required to be attracted to me. So no, it’s not the same. Love between family isn’t perfect, but it’s built on something that isn’t meant to fade. But attraction fades, so…” She shrugged.
He edged closer. “What about Mr and Mrs Griffin? And River and Kelly? Does it appear that their love has faded?”
A thwarted flush stung Rayna’s cheeks as she gritted her teeth. But it wasn’t the first time someone had thrown the love of her uncle and aunty and her friends in her face to prove there was a flaw in her argument.
She lifted her chin stubbornly. “Some people are lucky enough to find love that’s real and true. But it’s rare. And I’m not particularly interested in wasting my time finding it or going out of my way to search for it.”
His expression softened, and he shook his head. “Love is not searched for, darling. It is stumbled upon.”
Someone fucking save me.
Dominic was the male version of Erin. A giant, hopeless sop. A fucking romantic.
The poetic wistfulness of his answer pissed Rayna off, because she couldn’t argue logically against it. Hopeless romantics didn’t understand logic or reason.
So she childishly snapped, “Well, I don’t want to stumble. So there. Now what?”
A stupidly sexy curl touched his mouth. “You will not know that until it happens.”
“If it happens, it happens. But otherwise, I don’t care.”
Dominic searched her face, but she remained unmoving and obstinate. Her opinion of love and marriage wouldn’t change, no matter what he said.
His smile slipped away as he swallowed. “What about children?”
“What about them?”
“How will you bear children if you refuse to marry?”
She couldn’t say she was surprised by his question. He was just a man after all, and she was a woman refusing to marry. Of course he’d bring up children, like that was the only thing women possibly had to live for, rather than being one of many things they could choose to do.
“Firstly, marriage isn’t required to have children,” she reminded him. “I could have them on my own if I wanted to. But I don’t.”
Why did he suddenly look pale and worried?
“Do you not like children?”
“No, I like them.” She shrugged. “Just not enough to have them outside of a serious, committed relationship like marriage, because they’re hard work. But I don’t want a serious, committed relationship, so I’ve ruled out having children too.”
Rayna had never been able to imagine herself raising a child on her own, especially with how demanding her career was. In a relationship, it made more sense to her. But then she’d never been able to imagine herself in a relationship either.
Well…that wasn’t exactly true. As a young girl, she had, but…
What was the guarantee that it would last forever?
There weren’t any. So then what was the point?
“Might you be swayed?” Dominic asked softly.
She should have said no, but she sceptically said, “Swayed how?”
He shook his head. “Your complaints lie not with love or marriage, but with the way many have twisted them into something hollow and one-sided.
“But what if you met a man who truly loved you?
Who wanted to marry you, not because he needed someone to look after him, but because he simply wanted you?
What if he were competent and caring and did not infringe on your freedom?
What if he fulfilled his responsibility towards you simply because he enjoyed doing so, and did everything he possibly could to make you feel safe and happy with him?
What if he wanted to protect you, knowing you did not need it, but only because he loved you so much he wanted you to have it?
“Would you marry then? And have children?”
His words weighed heavier than his entrapping stare, compressing her rib cage until she felt near breathless. The beating of her heart made her skin pulse hot and fast, and she couldn’t shake the feeling, couldn’t break out of the intensity completely surrounding her.
At least until instinctual panic and denial kicked her in the chest and snapped her out of it.
“No man like that exists,” Rayna bit out.
“Answer me. Would you marry?”
She opened her mouth. And closed it. And opened it again. “I don’t…I don’t know. If I felt like he was being genuine, then yes. Maybe.”
A faint smile melted across his features, and his chest deflated on a gentle sigh.
Her narrow eyes darted rapidly between his. “Why do you care?”
“I want you to believe in love.” His arm went around the small of her back, huddling her close. “I want you to trust there is a man out there who would tear everything he knew apart just to have the privilege of calling you his wife.”
Confused, fluttery, unnerved echoes of her heart teemed the base of her throat.
Why…why did it sound like he was talking about himself?
Why were his words inscribing themselves across his eyes like something more powerful than a written law?
Does he think…does he want…
Rayna pushed against his chest, curling herself back over his arm so she could look at him properly. “Dominic, tell me you understand this thing between us is temporary. We’re just having fun before you go back. That’s it. You understand that, don’t you?”
He smiled. “I understand, little witch.”
He lowered his mouth, and she let him kiss her.
But a hushed voice in her gut hinted that perhaps he wasn’t being completely honest.