Chapter 15
Four years ago
The lights are off in my bedroom. I'm in my bed. A hole threatens to crack my chest in two. Tears fall onto my pillow.
For a few short months, I thought I had found someone I could fall for. All I had to do was give it time, show him I cared, and trust.
Well, I did all of those things and for what? For this? To end in the same place I always do?
I hate it here.
My phone lies near me in my bed. I check it casually, but I have no reply from Leon yet.
I sent him a few texts a while ago, but I'm not surprised he hasn't said anything back.
He's busy at a fancy alumni party for his alma mater.
I shouldn't have texted him at all, except he's the only one I can share my heart with so completely.
Pen: I'm done. Looking for a decent man is the worst. -1000/10, do not recommend. I'm never doing this again. Dating is off the table. Sean is the last man I ever try with. Never again!!!
Pen: PS— I'm okay, just heartbroken. Do you think I can send the pesky organ back to the factory? I don't think it's working right. Otherwise, I'll research if I can have it surgically removed. That should work, right?
Pen: Brunch here tomorrow?
I tried to keep it upbeat in my messages to not worry him, but I'm crossing my fingers he comes tomorrow morning. Only one of my best friend's hugs can make things better.
If there's such a thing as moving past this debacle. To think I thought Sean could be the one…
A new stream of tears falls down my face. That first date three months ago— we talked for hours. Had a lovely walk among the trees. Kissed as the sun set. We stayed in touch after, until that second date when he made me a delicious dinner. How could I have suspected it would end like this?
It always ends like this.
I'm exhausted and so, so over it.
My phone rings. Bear and my parents are the only calls that can get through. I check the screen, and answer upon seeing Leon's name.
"Hey," I say.
"Come to your balcony."
I sit up and dry my tears. "What?"
"I'm spying on your window. Come to the balcony."
Surprise replaces the hole in my chest. A simple, temporary bandage, but it hides the pain.
I check the clock on my screen. "Shouldn't you be finishing dinner right now?"
"Penélope."
His voice, assertive as always, soothes the pain further. Wonder takes over. As I roll out of my bed and reach for the glass door, it warms up what was cold two minutes ago. That's the kind of power my best friend has.
I live on the fifth floor of a building ten minutes away from work.
It's small but comfortable, and a modest balcony takes up all of the side and overlooks the street.
I step out onto it. A cold breeze makes itself known and my body tightens in response, but I don't go back in. I search for Bear five stories below.
He stands across the street. The light out here is soft and diffuse, but enough of it shines on him that I can admire the view.
His dark suit, dark shirt, and dark hair.
With the tattoos he's been collecting over the years, creeping out of his collar, and the new beard he's been keeping for a few months, one might think he's a man on a mission.
Maybe a bit dangerous. Sharp. Ruthless, even.
Anyone who knows him is aware that's not the case, and I know him better than everyone else.
One of his hands holds the phone while the other is in his pocket.
"Hey there, Pen."
If it weren't for the phone, I couldn't hear him, he says my name so gently.
I can't speak. The dinner Leon was meant to be at was special to him.
It was the first time he was invited back to his college for a dinner gala.
He was going to be recognized as one of the alumni who made it big, on the same night his old football coach is set to retire.
This was his chance to properly celebrate how far he's come in his career.
Instead, he's staring at me from the street, like the most platonic Romeo and Juliet scene in the world.
"This is how it's supposed to be," I squeak. "Why can't other men be more like you? Why is it so impossible to find?"
By the end of it, my voice is so thin it sounds strangled even to my ears. A couple of new tears fall. I let them. It should be impossible, but I think Bear knows it, despite the distance between us.
"Pen." This time, worry wraps his words. "Can I come in?"
"Of course. Yeah. Please."
Two minutes later, I open the door to him. Two seconds later, the door is closed and I'm in his arms.
The fabric of his suit is soft under my cheek. My heart slows down, and the pain dulls to a simple ache. I relax into his hug.
There's no better feeling than this. In Leon's embrace, I'm at peace.
No one can reach me or hurt me. My friend's presence, so large, so warm, protects me from all of it.
And ah, his smell. I take a deep breath.
It has to hold some sort of supernatural power over everything, or perhaps just over me.
Somewhere deep in my psyche, I've learned that this means he's close, and that's going to fix everything, every time.
My voice is watery when I speak, but my eyes remain dry. "You're the only man I ever want hugs like this from again."
"All you need to do is ask."
"I didn't even ask this time." I gaze up at him. "You were meant to be enjoying yourself. I thought I could wait until tomorrow."
"It was me who couldn't wait. You said you were heartbroken."
"You didn't have to leave your party."
"Of course I had to." His voice, always so deep, is gravelly now.
"Because you're the best."
He caresses my face. "What happened?"
I trace a pattern on the lapel of his suit. From this close, I notice the hint of blue in the dark fibers of his jacket. He wears a pocket square in light blue, with a soft pattern echoing waves and embroidered details on the edge.
With the tip of my finger, I make a path over the raised dots and lines, and don't respond right away.
He takes a deep breath. "Come. Let's get comfortable."
He takes off his jacket and hangs it from a chair, before sitting on the sofa. I find my place next to him. He interlocks his fingers on his lap, but I hook an arm around his thick biceps. Leaning sideways, I rest my head on his shoulder.
Not seeing him be sad for me makes it easier to share.
I sigh. "Sean sent me a text about dinner tonight, which was a surprise because we didn't have anything planned. It was especially weird because it was to confirm a reservation at a restaurant. You know how after our first walk through the park, we always met at his place or mine?"
"Yeah. You were hoping you'd get an invite like that from him. There was a real possibility you'd go ahead and invite him yourself. I take it that's not how it went?"
"No. I had to call him a couple of times before I got through to him.
Turns out, he didn't mean to send the text to me.
He's seeing someone else. That alone ruined my afternoon, but I told myself I couldn't complain too much.
We'd been seeing each other for a few months but we agreed we weren't exclusive.
And I thought, well, our dates were so great, maybe we don't need that conversation yet… "
The change to his breathing pattern is minimal, but I recognize what it means. He's annoyed at Sean already.
"I never liked that he said that." Bear aims for a neutral tone, but it doesn't work.
I smirk. It helps that he's so quick to be on my side.
"I know you didn't," I say, "but I agreed to it. Even if I didn't like it, I couldn't complain."
"Fuck that. You can complain. You agreed to it, but that was a shitty way to learn he's seeing someone else."
"We both know I was hoping he wouldn't see other people, and that's on me, but…"
I go quiet for a second.
Leon's hands are huge. The one closest to me lands on my thigh and rubs.
"I tried to be spontaneous, Bear. Fun. I wanted to show him I knew I couldn't be too upset about things and, well… I invited him out."
"You've always been brave like that."
"And sometimes it gets me in trouble." My voice gets tight. "Not every guy likes that."
"I take it Sean didn't like it? It shows weakness of character if you ask me. A certain masculine fragility."
"Not that you're wrong, but he did worse than that, I'm afraid." My voice thins as I go on with my sentence.
Being close to Bear helps keep the worse of it at bay, but it stings.
It digs. All I have to do is remember what Sean said, the way he said it, with gaining speed and volume as he let it all out into the phone, for it to leave papercuts on my skin.
It revealed a side of him I didn't expect.
It's scary to think that he had that in him, because I never saw it coming.
It happens too often. People revealing ugly parts of themselves in the heat of the moment. I'm tired of looking for red flags, too.
Leon turns to me. Only slightly, so I can keep my arm around his. It brings us close. This time, I don't get to swim in the headiness of feeling safe with him. The worry in his eyes holds me anchored to the ground.
"What happened?" He whispers again.
"He said no." I gulp. My throat hurts. "He got all cagey so I insisted. Eventually he said— he said—"
A tear falls. Leon dries it.
The knot in my throat wobbles. "Sean never planned to go out with me. He said there's never been a future for us. That I'm not the kind of girl he takes out and has a life with in public. That I am the other woman to him."
I let Leon fill in the blanks. It's an unfortunate reality of dating in a big body. There are people who will bed you but not date you. But to me, worse than that, is that someone I liked sees me as disposable.
I'm collateral damage to emotionally stunted men, with harsh, hurtful sides to them that I may never see until it's too late.
Never again. I may never know why this kind of man is all I've found to date, but I'm done guessing. Trying. Waiting.