Chapter 15 #2
"I'll punch him," Bear growls. "I'll find him and make him regret everything."
Outrage fills my friend's eyes. We've talked about this before, and I think he understands, even if this isn't an issue he'll ever face. What with him being a handsome, famous football player. He can get anyone he wants, he's just been very picky about it.
"You have to stop making comments like that," I say. "People are going to think you have a bad temper, or worse."
"I don't care. In this I do have a temper."
"Which should never end in a fight again."
"I never meant to actually punch Evan. That fight was in self-defense."
"Like he could have actually hurt you if he hadn't had those silly rings."
"Does Sean wear rings?"
He sounds offended somehow, and I snort.
"Never mind his fashion choices," I say. "I mean it this time. Don't confront Sean. You'll get in trouble with the league."
The funny thing about playing for the pros is that they have all sorts of rules.
Some of them involve morality clauses. Players can pay hefty sums of money for breaking the guidelines.
In some cases, they can get in real trouble, sometimes involving suspension.
Everyone is expected to be on their best behavior. Always.
Bear shrugs like it's not a big deal. "It would be worth getting in trouble for you."
"It's Sean who isn't worth it."
"I don't care about the guy."
He stiffens. His muscles are tight and in position, I don't know what for, but I imagine it's similar to how it would feel to touch him when he's on the field. When he gets on the offensive line and prepares to stop the inertia of big, heavy bodies trying to reach his QB.
He stares me down with dark eyes. "What he said is bullshit, Pen.
Bullshit! You've had guys obsessed with you that would have been proud to take you out.
To make you their one and only. Why wouldn't they?
Anyone in their right mind would see you're gorgeous.
And that you're amazing. All these guys— they just weren't good enough for you. "
"Not that you're biased or anything."
"I have every right to be biased. You're my best friend."
His anger helps. I take a deep breath, letting peace come back to me. No matter what, Bear is in my corner. In this way, I'm not alone.
I smile. "How could I ever find a good guy, when they have to contend with how incredible you are?"
He purses his mouth. "If you're really thinking of taking a break from dating, I get it. Take the time you need."
"I'm not taking a break, Bear. I'm done."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm never dating again."
He frowns. Wheels turn in his head. He doesn't get it. How could he? His dreams wouldn't let him reach the same conclusion.
"Look," I say. "I've tried. I put myself out there. I went out on dates, I gave them a chance. For what? This is where I end up every time. Crying in my bed in the dark."
One of his hands is on my thigh, and I grab it tight between mine. He gazes down at our interlocked fingers, a wrinkle in his brow.
I shake my head, all of my frustration coming out in a rush.
"Dating brings so much pain. It opens you up to judgment, and did I mention how tiring it is?
Let's go for coffee, let's go for a walk.
I don't do dinners on a first date, I can't do this week or next, but I promise I'm not planning to ghost you.
Just let me tell you about how smart I am, but I'll never ask you a thing about yourself.
Ugh. What is even the point? I don't need a man to have a good life. "
"You're not wrong—" he tries. "But if this is how it ends each time, one day it won't end at all. It's the whole point of looking, isn't it? To find the person with whom there's no heartbreak. The one that makes every day worth it, because they don't want an end either."
"Have you ever felt something like that? Because I have my doubts."
"Not yet. Doesn't mean I don't think it's ever going to happen."
"You get to keep looking. As long as you want to. You deserve the epic love you want—"
"You deserve all the love in the world—"
"But I've never felt that kind of drive! At most I have been infatuated— some sort of limerence maybe—"
"None of those things are love."
"How would I know? And it doesn't matter, at the end of the day. You can't promise that if I keep looking, it will happen."
"I have to believe something in you clicks and you realize what the person means to you. Isn't that why people wait to say 'I love you'?"
I open my mouth to reply, but the words freeze halfway. I had never heard him say those three words before.
Bear keeps his beard trimmed close to his jaw. It lets me see how his throat works through a hard gulp.
"I don't know what it feels like," he says, "and I'm waiting for the day I look inside and I know what it means to be in love. What the words mean when we talk about romance… and relationships…"
He loses his train of thought for a second. I press my lips together.
He takes a deep breath. "I'm not going to say the words until I fully, truly understand how to use them right every time. It's a promise I made years ago. But I know I will never figure it out if I don't keep trying."
I squeeze his hand tight. "Then keep trying, Leon. Me? All I have to do is look at my track record. I tested myself and failed spectacularly every time. I'm never going to get it right and, you know? I think I'm finally at peace with it."
"Pen…"
"The possibility of one day figuring it out isn't enough for me, Bear.
'It might happen one day' isn't as shiny of a goal as it's supposed to be.
If there are a hundred men in a jar, ninety are mediocre.
Five are exceptional, only that one of them is my friend and the other is my dad.
The other five? They're poison, Leon. I'm not going to risk my heart— hell, my life— for the three percent chance I'll find someone to love like that, who will accept I suck at this stuff, and maybe choose me anyway. "
"Fuck, Penélope." He shakes his head. "I can't argue against that."
"Don't argue. I know you don't feel the same way. Your odds are completely different, in any case. You're sweet and handsome and loyal and— let's not fool ourselves— you're rich. You will find the right person for you, even if I'm giving up on finding mine."
He studies me closely, his eyes searching mine. He watches me, hears me, processes my words, and lets them settle in a space I know— I know— he keeps only for me.
Fuck. My body responds to it. A desire, a wish, a dream that climbs up my limbs and takes a hold of my chest. It wraps my heart in a gold blanket, until my heart beats a different rhythm. It's a morse code, telling me a secret I'll need to decypher.
If only our kiss had felt different.
Except maybe we would have tried something romantic between us, and it would have ruined everything we had. A timeline exists where trying for romance with Leon ended our friendship, too.
In the end, that's the thought I can't stomach.
That whatever other paths Leon and I might have taken could have led us to an end.
If the heartbreak I'm feeling today hurts, losing Bear would end me.
There's no doubt. And he has dreams I can't live up to, if my history is any sign. It would be self-sabotage to try.
I sigh. "Having you as my friend has made me happier than any of these men I've tried to date.
I have a good family and a job that's rewarding even when hard.
My coworkers are great, this apartment is great, my life is great— until I think about romance.
So I'll just take that part out of the equation. "
Resignation tints my words, but so does hope. It expands in soft, small, but persistent waves. Such relief, to give myself permission to give up on dating. On romance. On that kind of love. It's freedom, the kind I've been waiting for, even if I didn't know.
He echoes my sigh and brings me close to him again. We're shoulder to shoulder, his hand on my face, and our heads support each other at the temples.
"All I ask," I say, "is that we're always friends. Even when you find the love of your life. Let's always be friends."
I can imagine a life without romance, but I can't imagine a life without him.
This promise means he'll stick around, even when he finds what he's looking for.
Even if one day he won't be as available to me, and he may have to split his time and attention between me and someone else, hell, maybe prioritizing the kids I'm sure he'll want…
As long as he's in my life, I'll make it work, too.
I'll just have to find things to fill up all that extra time with. There's freedom in that, too.
"Of course." He clears his throat. "Always friends. I'm fifteen years in. Why give up now? Besides, I still want to know what you wrote for the time capsule, and your mom makes the best empanadas in the world…"
I laugh and hit his arm playfully.
He takes my face in his hand more firmly. "I will always be your friend, Pen. It's the best thing in my life."
For now.
But as long as I have him in some way, I'll have everything I need.
I smile. "You're the best thing in my life, too."
He kisses my forehead. "Now what?"
"Let's watch a superhero movie or something else full of explosions and special effects. There's that new Space Bureau movie. When the hero kisses the girl, forgive me if I boo."
Later, when he says goodbye before going back to his condo, we hug again.
"I got you, Pen. I always got you."