Chapter 21
Bear
The world shook when I kissed Pen. The tremors still inhabit my limbs two hours later as we finish dinner.
Holy fuck. To smile and fake it— that's the plan. I won't eat much, so my stomach doesn't complain more than it is. I'll keep my hands under the table or in my pockets, so the shaking doesn't show. Any alarms blaring in my head will be ignored.
My TV shows, the fanfic, the movies— they all promised it would be like this kiss… but it wasn't supposed to happen when marrying my best friend.
But fuuuck. I can't forget the way she looked at me as if in a daze, or how she kissed me back, dammit. How she reclaimed my mouth, to the point I couldn't help myself and dipped her like I was entitled to her heart and her mouth in equal measure…
I'm not much of a drinker, but the thought has me stealing a big sip of white wine. It swirls uncomfortably in my stomach. That kiss crossed a line I promised I'd never come close to.
Hell, despite the way she kissed me, I think she'd hate to know how I'm feeling.
I may have told her she's my soulmate, but that— that's platonic, of course.
She would have understood that. Pen has been clear, and I've made promises, and our wedding day isn't the day I commit treason to what we have.
Pen and I sit at the head of a U-shaped table.
My parents are at my side, and her parents are next to her.
Friends, a couple of Pen's coworkers and cousins from Chile, and my uncle from Norway, all sit around us and finish their meals while chatting and laughing.
It's everything I wanted for this evening.
All the unexpected pieces need to be put away, right away.
Staff serve dessert. As plates get placed in front of our guests, the distinct clinking of glasses starts again.
Right. Another kiss, no big deal. Just the third time I put my lips to Pen's tonight. It's not getting easier, but I make myself smile. Pen's mom says something into her ear and my friend— my wife— laughs. It shakes a little when she looks at me, and now I want to kiss her.
I put a finger on her chin, tip her head up, and press my lips to hers.
It's short. It's sweet. It's not enough, but damn, I have to let go.
I'm not supposed to be feeling any of this. People cheer and applaud around us, and all I can think about is how the hell am I going to put all of this back to its rightful place. I have to find a way.
I'll pack it tight. I'll hide it away from sight. I'll stop reading fanfic for a while. Whatever is necessary. This friendship means more than anything else.
Pen gazes at me with a look I can't decipher. For once in my life, I don't understand how she feels from one look at her.
I lean close to her ear. "Are you okay? Is this too much?"
Shit. Am I blushing? I don't blush.
She shakes her head. "I just need to get used to it."
"Still weird?" I ask.
She stares at her rings and doesn't respond right away. God. Is she reeling, too? Or is she calm as always, taking my smile and thinking we're still on the same page? Kissing me, and telling herself it's all for show? For the fantasy we're selling to her parents?
Shit, I bet that's why she kissed me the way she did.
For show. Meanwhile, I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker.
Seeing Pen wear a gorgeous white dress and smile as she walked down the aisle to me.
Hearing her vows. The ceremony in this beautiful venue.
It brought me exactly to— no. It brought me too close to what I had always wanted for myself, and now my brain can't tell truth from fiction. That's all.
By tomorrow morning, I'll have it under control.
It's only been a few seconds when Pen shakes her head and smiles. "It will be okay."
I gulp. I nod. Ames' team catered the event, and the dessert in front of me will be delicious.
If I can eat it all. I manage a few bites, and a trio of mini tarts with glazed berries explode with a sweet, delicate flavor on my tongue.
In the background, our wedding planner goes around whispering a few instructions to a select group of people.
It's time for speeches.
My parents are the first to stand. I'm glad they're here, but we don't talk much about anything that's not perfectly practical.
It's always been like that, but they share more now in their speech.
They talk about how I changed once I became friends with Pen, and how the Duartes have felt like family for a long time.
How they've always felt confident I had a great life here in the US, because I had Pen and her parents.
How me marrying the little girl with bright eyes and long hair was inevitable, and they'll take the memories with them back home.
Her parents talk about welcoming me to the family in an official manner— at last.
"I know I couldn't hurt you if I tried," Tío Sergio says, "but of course I would try if you hurt Penélope.
The good news for all of us is that I'm so sure you won't, I can promise all sorts of damage I will never have to live up to.
We've seen you grow up to be the big, honorable man you are.
We know you'd hurt yourself before you hurt her.
We know you'll do everything you can to make her happy.
And we know she will, too. This was a love written in the stars.
We saw it from the start. I can't imagine a better partner for our only daughter. "
His throat tightens and yeah, mine does too. He's right. If it comes to it, I'm ready to be the one hurting, if that's what it takes to suppress all these feelings and keep them caged.
I don't think much more about it, when Tía Antonia takes over the speech to let her husband recover.
"Now for a surprise!" She grins from ear to ear.
"Since they refused wedding gifts. With some help from their friends and their wedding planner, we arranged for an experience.
They're fortunate to not need anything material, right?
But they can use a special first night as a married couple.
We all hope you enjoy a night here in the old home of this beautiful estate! "
Pen and I gaze at each other and don tentative smiles.
We had agreed to spend the night at home— each in our own rooms, not that anyone knew.
This being our wedding night, no one is staying with us at home.
We had the privacy for it. Now we won't have the reprieve of life as usual.
No typical separation. We'll share a bed on our wedding night.
I glance at Pen. For the first time ever, I see her blushing.
Well, at least I'm not the only one.
Pen and I shake our heads like we disapprove but appreciate the gesture, and hug them in thanks.
I clear my throat as I sit down. Good luck to my poor heart.
Maybe I should start a psychological thriller for once. Or… horror? Something on the other side of the spectrum of what I usually read. That way, my stories can't give me any ideas.
Saint comes next as the last speech. "When Pen and Leon announced they were getting married, our whole friend group was in shock.
They had sworn there was nothing like that between them!
But we all knew better and, eventually, they figured things out.
The most beautiful part is that they're still best friends.
They told us they wouldn't have a maid of honor or a best man, because they would have been that for each other…
had they not fallen in love. Isn't that sweet?
I'm happily in love and even so I'm getting jealous.
Maybe it's because they're getting married. Huh, that's a thought."
He smiles full of confidence and winks at Ames. Nat and Damián tease her.
"Give her a ring of her own already!" Pen exclaims.
"Don't mind if I do," Saint says, "but give us a little while to catch up. There's a plan. But just to make sure, Pen, if you'll be so kind as to throw your bouquet in her direction, I'd appreciate it."
He makes a joke about Dom being the only one still single in the group, then makes a sweet toast. He tells us the next part of the plan is for the first dance, before everyone gets to party in and out of the garden all night.
Everyone surrounds us in the middle of the patio outside. Pen and I chose a song about friendship and love, and we keep it simple as we dance in front of our guests.
We're cheek to cheek. So close, I pretend I can feel her heart beating against mine.
"How are you doing?" I whisper into her ear.
It might be my only chance to check how she's taking all of this.
"I'm… okay. I'll be okay. It's a lot, you know?"
"Yeah." I gulp. "But I wanted to say… the soulmate thing…"
Damn. I don't know why this feels like the right moment to venture into that. Maybe because urgency beats under my skin.
She takes a deep, shaky breath. "You meant it as friends. Right?"
"Right." I dip my chin, digging my nose into a loose curl of her hair. "Exactly."
I kiss her temple as our parents join us on the dance floor, but the real moment comes when she dances with her dad. This time, they both tear up.
"Thank you, Leon," Tía Antonia says as we sway together. "You've made us so happy tonight."
She's shorter than Pen, and small in my arms. I can't respond, but I give her a kiss on the cheek. She gives me one back.
I leave people to dance and celebrate, while I chat and catch up with the rest of the guests.
As the night goes by, I manage to put away the worries that threaded themselves through my ribcage.
I laugh with my friends, and take their teasing easily when we learn that the bride and groom are supposed to leave early for their wedding night.
Pen's cousins are in the group chatting with Dom, Logan, Evie, and me.
"It's eleven already," I say. "This isn't early. Maybe in Chile it is…"
Camila, Pen's cousin, smiles. "Weddings will last all night back home. Except for the bride and groom, who leave early because, you know."
She laughs.
I sigh. "That's what Pen says. We'll leave soon, then."
"Why, I'm sure you're getting antsy." Dom gives me a shit eating grin.
I raise an eyebrow. "You're welcome to think I'm boring and I'm just tired."
A venue employee waits to guide us to the house. I gaze at Pen, dancing with both her parents this time. Our wedding planner whispers in her ear, and she hugs her dancing partners. She walks toward me and waves at our guests, pretending she's not hearing any of the jokes, either.
When she gets to me, I take her hand, guide her to a twirl, and I wink at our friends for effect.
Pen laughs.
I take her hand, bow to our guests, and walk with her toward the house.
I steal a glance at her. She's happy. Her hairdo is only slightly looser than at the start of the day, with a few tendrils falling gently around her face. The cut of her dress brings one's attention to her neck, her face, and her smile. Even to that peek of skin at her waist.
"Stop looking at me like that," she says.
I gaze down at her. She looks back at me with a mix of humor and blame and, if I'm finally reading this right, a hint of embarrassment.
For what? I don't know, but I won't ask tonight.
"I don't think I will," I whisper instead.
I don't think I can.
Not tonight.
But I'll be better about putting my feelings away once the sun comes out again.