Chapter 30 #2
Anything she's ever told me, I've believed. Trying to see a sudden spark of romantic interest in her eyes can't be the way I fail her. Giving in to sexy feelings would be just as bad. There's no way I would keep the lines straight in my head, and not confuse intimacy for love.
"Come on," she says. "I know you're thinking of something."
"I don't want to make you uncomfortable," I finally say.
"I haven't gotten uncomfortable. Remember?"
We lock eyes. She's thinking of the moment I touched her leg.
She stares at me with an intensity I've never seen in her before.
If this were anyone else, I'd take it as a damn sign.
A sign.
That she could be looking at me in ways she never has before too.
Fuck.
I need to ask my heart to step aside. Maybe then we'll find the right boundaries, and do something sexy that won't push us too far into dangerous territory.
I move closer. "We could go for a clinch moment."
"A… clinch moment?"
She stares at me with wide open eyes, and a spark that— yes— fuck. The kind of spark I wanted to see there tonight.
I gulp. "A classic in some romance circles, especially historicals."
In a fanfic fest I followed once, they did art-based prompts. One of them was drawing the pair in a clinch like an old romance novel cover. It was epic. Now all I can think of is Pen and I in such a pose.
"I could look it up online and show you a picture," I say.
I'm close enough to see her chest overworking. Well, then.
She licks her lips. "Why don't you show me what you mean instead?"
"This is going to be very couple-y."
"Do you mind?"
Ha.
I shake my head. "Not at all."
"Then I don't, either." Her voice is breathless.
A drum beats in my chest. It reverberates down my limbs, because I'm about to hold her tight against me.
I step as close as I can get without touching her. "Will you tell me if I cross a boundary?"
"I don't think you will."
"I might."
I want too much, and whatever she's feeling, it's not in the same realm of what I truly want. I know her too well. Nine out of ten chances she'll say it's all just our bodies acting up.
Her lips part. "I'll tell you if it comes to that."
I nod. The solution is easy, really.
With all my might, I push a heavy titanium door until it closes in my chest. It leaves my heart in a secluded vault. Padlocks snap close and steel rods move into place. Holding Pen close is serious, major business, but tender feelings aren't invited to the event.
I place a firm hand around her soft waist. An assertive pull later, and she's plastered to me. She gasps.
"I'll bring you closer." My voice comes out deep and rough. "I'll lean in as if I'm going to kiss you again."
A hammer hits the metal enclosures of my chest, but it's like hearing sound underwater. All my attention turns to Pen in my arms, and the way she gazes at me with heated eyes.
She nods. "What else do you want to do?"
I can't begin to tell her everything I want to do.
"Remember our wedding?" I say instead.
She nods again, more enthusiastic.
"I'll dip you back." I lick my bottom lip and stare at her mouth. "I won't kiss you."
"Why not?" she whispers.
Because I can't. It's too dangerous. Despite our wedding, it's her laughter when we were teens that I think of. And my true fear? That she could feel like I've been playing with her, telling her I want friendship when now I'm feeling something else.
If I kissed her the way I want to, she would see right through me.
This clinch moment is something else. I'm only matching her. If I'm right and she's feeling something physical for me, at least we're on the same page.
"Do you want to be surprised, Pen?"
"I don't know."
"I need you to know."
She searches my eyes. Her hands cling to my arms. Whatever has taken hold of me in the absence of my heart, points out all the little things that tell me she's feeling something too. The way she breathes fast through parted lips. Her blown pupils, and the light blush on her face.
Maybe she was right about the hound and the hunter and the need for teeth in all of it. I'd bite her if I could. I’m feeling primal, it seems.
"Surprise me," she says.
I don't let her go, but I tap all the right buttons to set up the shot.
With my eyes fixed on her again, I tilt her back in a swift move. A sharp intake of air rushes through her lips. My large hands keep her tight against me. With the hand closest to the camera, I bring up her thigh. Skin to skin.
"Smile, Pen."
"I can't."
Now that my heart is hidden away, I should find it easier to breathe. I don't. I'm gazing at her eyes, and her lips, and I get closer, like I might kiss her after all.
"Why?" I ask.
"My body. It's acting up. It's been too long, that's all."
Yeah. I knew that's how she would explain it away.
Who knows. Maybe she's right. It's been a long time for me, too.
Fuck, who am I lying to. I'm feeling this way because of Pen. Especially when she tilts her head up, bringing our lips so close together her breathing caresses my face.
I don't kiss her. The camera flash goes off, and she blinks away the shock. I do too.
Thank God I didn't give in. If I'm to keep my heart hidden away, I need to learn to see things the way she does— a simple physical reaction. The obvious result of the moment we shared. Nature doing its thing, no emotions involved.
And, shit, I'll still hide it if I need to.
Kissing her, doing more, could obliterate the little separation I'm managing between feelings and bodies.
Anything we do will get drawn into a map, like new borders between warring nations.
Heavily negotiated. Discussed in front of a grand jury, to guarantee it won't affect our friendship.
Until then, I'll simply be her platonic husband, taking care of her through this transition in her life. Helping her take care of her parents, plan for the surgery, and a potential career change. My heart, well. It will have to remain in its cell.
Above all, I'll remain her friend. Taking these liberties will make my decision to suffer in silence all the worse, but right this minute, I don't think I mind. Because even if her heart is not involved, she's feeling this for me. And it's been a long time for me, too.