Chapter 12
It only occurred to Rae to feel awkward after, when Struan’s throaty moans quietened and she’d pulled her finger from his mouth.
What on earth had she done? How exactly had it happened?
Why did she still want more?
Struan tucked himself back into his boxers, chest rising and falling with shallow breaths. ‘Jesus, Rae. I thought you said you were out of practice.’
She flushed. If only he knew that this was as far as she’d ever gone.
Foreplay, but never anything more. Certainly, she’d never come so quickly just from a bit of fingering.
She was glad her inexperience didn’t show, glad she could bring him pleasure even if she wasn’t quite sure what she was doing.
Those nerves and insecurities clung to her along with her sweat-damp T-shirt.
She worried that if he looked too closely, he’d see it.
She tugged her underwear up and stood to fasten her jeans, mumbling something about cleaning up before heading to the river.
Her heart still pounded, limbs still wobbly and pleasure soaked.
This wasn’t her. She didn’t let somebody touch her without overthinking it first, let alone outside where anybody could have seen.
Thank God the fruit trees and climbing shrubs shielded them from the house.
On the blanket, she’d found a thrill in that uncharacteristically wild abandon, but now her hands shook as they sifted through the cool river’s current. What if he regretted it? What if she did? What came next? Oh, God, what would she tell Martha?
Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, especially given I’ve been a terribly absent friend recently, but your brother got super hot so we fondled each other in a field?
She’d sound like a teenager. A selfish, deceitful teenager.
Even if Martha got past the shock, what would she think of them together?
Would it ruin their summer? Don’t sleep with your best friend’s sibling without at least talking about it first was an unspoken rule in every friendship, surely.
She certainly wouldn’t have been happy if Martha did it with…
well, her cousin – or, yuck, her dad – since she didn’t have any siblings. It crossed a line.
Rae had crossed a line.
‘Rae.’ Struan’s voice made her startle. His arms slipped around her waist as she straightened with a stumble. ‘Are you okay?’
She didn’t want to turn around, look at the face she’d just kissed, the face that shared so many similarities to her best friend’s, but she could still hear the frown in his voice.
‘Why did we do that?’ she whispered.
‘Because when two people like each other very much…’
She whipped around, jaw clenched tight. It was difficult to be annoyed with him for long, his hair mussed from her fingers and pupils still blown with the pleasure she’d brought him.
The way that gaze was always so fixed on her…
She’d never felt so wanted before. And when she’d told him it could take her a while to orgasm, he’d been so patient and understanding.
All he’d wanted was to make sure he could get her there.
The last man she’d been with had gotten bored after ten minutes, but Struan had been painstaking in his attention, so much so that it hadn’t taken her very long at all.
Before now, she’d only ever been comfortable enough to come with her vibrator.
Struan smirked like he found her anxiety hilarious. ‘Why are you freaking out?’
‘Why aren’t you?’
He cleaned his hands off, water droplets snaking over his wrist and clinging to the fine hair on his forearms. She imagined licking them up the way he had with the berry juice, imagined guttural moans shattering in his throat again, him at her mercy while she explored his most delicate corners.
This was bad. This was very, very bad.
‘You know what? I can guess,’ Rae said right as he opened his mouth to respond. ‘You probably do this all the time. Which is fine. Good for you. I don’t.’
‘Aye, there’s a line of sexual partners waiting at my door as we speak,’ he said flatly.
She didn’t doubt it, even if the words dripped with sarcasm.
‘And this was just a casual summer hook-up, which people probably do all the time. Especially people who wear bead bracelets and hike a lot.’ She pointed to the collection of ropes and beads on his arm, which reminded her of the laid-back surfers she’d seen in Sydney, all tanned, vibrant, free spirits.
There were people like them, like him, easy-going and comfortable in their own skin, and then there were people like her, high maintenance, anxious, unable to do anything casually because she was too busy considering every single worst-case scenario, including but not limited to her best friend never speaking to her again.
Struan blinked. ‘What’s wrong with my bracelets?’
She couldn’t reply, too wrapped up in her panic.
‘Okay, can you just breathe a minute?’
‘I’m breathing!’ She gasped loudly in and out just to prove it, loose hair whispering over her lips until she got frustrated and tugged out the tie. She scraped her fingers through her braid and then yanked it into the neatest ponytail she could muster.
‘Is there a way we could talk about this without you having a stroke?’ he asked.
‘Is there a way we can talk about this without you making stupid jokes?’ she snapped back, tilting her chin stubbornly.
He rubbed a frustrated hand over his face. Good. He should be annoyed. He should regret this, too.
‘Look, I get it. This was unexpected. We’ve known each other a long time, and neither of us ever thought there might be something here,’ he said softly. ‘Is it such a terrible thing that there is? Because I thought we both enjoyed what just happened.’
‘We did. I did. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to do it again. I’m not…’ She kicked her wellies into the silt of the riverbank. ‘I’m not good at this.’
‘What’s “this”?’
‘Sex and stuff. Casual hook-ups. Situationships, Martha would probably call it.’
‘Situationships,’ he repeated, amusement dancing on his lips. ‘Well, this certainly does qualify as a situation. I still fail to see the problem. If you don’t do casual, I told you I’d take you out for dinner.’
She faltered. Had he been serious about that? Did he want to take her on an actual date?
He stepped closer, taking her hand. She realised moments later it was because she’d been picking her skin again, a habit she’d barely noticed until he’d tried multiple times to stop her. His touch sent a dozen little zaps up her arm, and it was an effort not to move closer.
‘The problem is,’ he continued, ‘it’s going to be very hard to not spend most of it thinking about how badly I’d rather be eating you instead.’
Her walls clenched around nothing, unsatisfied despite the pleasure he’d already brought. Imagining his tongue lapping against her clit, stubble like sandpaper against her thighs…
‘Struan.’ The protest was feeble, wavering on her tongue and carried away by the breeze.
‘We don’t need to work out what this is yet, you know.
You could just let it happen.’ He cupped her jaw, tugging her close by the small of her back.
His cock nestled against her stomach, hard again already, and her core pulsed in response.
Her damp T-shirt chafed her nipples, rougher for every breath rippling through them both in unison.
‘You wouldn’t need to worry. I’d take care of you. ’
He leaned closer, his hair tickling her cheek. ‘All of you. Every sweet’ – a kiss on her jaw – ‘glorious’ – the bridge of her nose – ‘inch’ – her throat – ‘of you.’
Just like before, a switch was clicked and Rae forgot what she’d been panicking about. She fell into him, mouths colliding with more hunger than should have been possible after the satiation they’d already found.
‘You’re vibrating,’ Struan said.
‘I wouldn’t go that far, but the overconfidence is strangely attractive.’
He chuckled, caressing her arse with delightful firmness. ‘I mean something is vibrating in your back pocket.’
Her phone. She’d been so caught up in his taste that she hadn’t even noticed the silent buzz – especially since she was used to being too busy to notice.
He slid it out for her, dropping it into her hand. Her stomach twisted at the name on the screen. Martha.
‘I don’t think she’d like this,’ Rae admitted.
‘Does she have to know? At least until we know what this is?’
She gulped against a cracked throat. Declining the call, she pulled out of his arms. ‘She’s my best friend. I tell her everything. I couldn’t keep something like this from her, especially not when she’s due to visit in a few weeks.’
Struan’s disappointment gusted between them. ‘So, what are you saying? Fun’s over?’
‘I think… I think it has to be, yeah.’
She expected him to be angry, but his expression held nothing but understanding.
‘All right.’ He nodded. ‘But it doesn’t solve our earlier problem. We can’t just pretend to ignore whatever this is between us. I know you feel it, too, otherwise, this wouldn’t have happened. Believe it or not, I’m usually more of a gentleman – only I couldn’t stop myself with you.’
‘Then maybe we’d be better off avoiding each other until Martha gets here.
Let it… fizzle out.’ Her chest tightened.
Letting it fizzle out was the last thing she wanted.
She’d never felt an exhilaration like this before, and more than that, she liked the way she felt when she was around him.
Things she’d lost – humour, playfulness, comfort – had returned in his presence.
He’d been a massive help today, and he felt safe, somehow.
A soft place to land after eons of rattling between sharp corners and cold concrete.
But he was also just another cause for uncertainty.
He’d taken away her control, the very thing she’d needed to survive the last few years.
Maybe this silly, impulsive tryst was all they would get, and she’d have to be okay with that, because the alternative felt like standing on a cliff edge, waiting for the wind to carry her somewhere unknown.
She was terrified of the future enough already.
No need to add messy romantic feelings and the risk of losing her best friend to the mix.
A muscle in Struan’s jaw feathered as he raked the hair off his forehead. ‘Is that what you want? For this to fizzle out?’
‘I think it’s for the best.’
‘Not what I asked.’
She pressed her mouth into a pleading line. ‘For Martha, Struan. And for simplicity. I’m not in a place where I can handle something complicated, and this already feels complicated.’
‘Whatever you need, Little Rae. I suppose I’ll see you around, then.’
‘Yeah.’ The affirmation came out small, mouse-like, leaving a bitter aftertaste she couldn’t swallow as she watched him walk away, all hunched, strong shoulders and soft middle. He didn’t stop to turn back, and she pretended that meant things were normal again, a reset button pressed.
By the time Martha visited, everything would be back to normal.
Hopefully.